AN ODE TO DIANE LANE

I've had a huge crush on actress Diane Lane ever since I saw her in the eighties B-movie-esque psychological horror flick Lady Beware. And, yes, she had a topless scene in the flick! As you might've already guessed, one of the reasons why I'm such a fan of Miss Lane is because she has no apparent aversions to appearing in ze buff in a number of her movies, even baring her ultra hot bod in films at an age when most actresses get regulated to playing moms and whatnot (as Diane herself has done in the Robin Williams vehicle Jack). She's also a fine actress, and, yet, she's not a household name like other older actresses like, say, a Meryl Streep or a Susan Sarandon. Diane Lane got her big break in show business as a child star by starring in movies like the early-eighties Kenny Rogers' flick Six Pack. Needless to say, she didn't show the goods in that film, but she, of course, went on to show off her goodies in later flicks such as The Big Town and in the aforementioned Lady Beware and in her even later MILF-esque roles such as A Walk On the Moon and Unfaithful. Of course, she's had non-nudie roles in flicks such as the aforesaid Jack, Untraceable and the box office hit Secretariat. On a more personal level, Diane has been married to actor Christopher Lambert (of Highlander and Mortal Kombat fame) and is now married to actor Josh Brolin (who played George W. Bush in noted conspiracy theorist nutjob Oliver Stone's movie about King Dubya and also starred in the remake of the John Wayne classic True Grit). Not that this is really all that important (at least to me), but I thought I'd just throw it out there, if that's all right with you.   

IF THESE WALLS COULD TALK 2

Anyone who's read my previous reviews know I'm a HUGE fan of lesbian-themed movies. And this movie, which is an HBO film released back in the nineties, is certainly NO disappointment in this regard as it features three different lesbian-themed stories in one single film. The first story is pretty forgettable as it's about a couple of old lesbians discussing their relationship or some such shit, so you can pretty much skip over it and you WON'T be missing much (if anything). However, it's the next two stories that will get your blood (and, of course, other body parts!) flowing! The second story features ultra hot actresses Chloe Sevigny and Michelle Williams who play lesbian lovers who . . . ah, who the hell cares! Chloe and Michelle have an ultra hot lesbian "love" scene that will most definitely get the blood flowing to all the right body parts, if you know what I mean (and I'm, of course, sure that you do!)! The third and final story of the film features ultra, uh, well, actress Sharon Stone and, believe it or not, comedienne-turned-actress-turned-talk-show-host Ellen DeGeneres as two lesbians in a serious relationship who wish to have a baby. Boring! Sharon and Ellen (already sounds like a lesbian story, doesn't it!), like Chloe and Michelle, also have a lesbian "love" scene that's also pretty hot (well, if you don't mind seeing Ellen DeGeneres in ze buff along with Sharon Stone who, of course, we've seen plenty of her, um, talent before!). A sidenote: I believe Chloe Sevigny missed her calling to be a porn star as she's not only appeared in ze buff in various films, including the critically-acclaimed "indie" flick Boys Don't Cry where she had a rather intense "love" scene with a transvestite played by Hilary Swank and in The Brown Bunny where she had an actual completely uncensored BJ with then-boyfriend noted weirdo actor-director Vincent Gallo (which, of course, you can find FOR FREE on the Interwebz if you don't want to watch the entire movie, which--of course!--might just be the best idea!).  

XXX

To be honest, I haven't watched this movie all the way through. Why? Well, whereas Lone Wolf McQuade is my all-time favorite action flick of all-time (or is at least in my top five), this flick starring the ultra talented Vin Diesel (sarcasm alert!) is my all-time least favorite action flick (or is at least in my top five!). Again, why? Well, for starters, the acting is, shall we say, less-than-stellar and the dialogue is asinine at best. Hell, even the ultra hot Asia Argento or Samuel L. Jackson (who inexplicably has a co-starring role in this flick, which, of course, just goes to show that he'll star in practically ANYTHING sans porn!) couldn't even save this (fill in the blank for yourself!) flick. This flick even led me to create my own joke: You know something you'll never see? Vin Diesel in a GOOD movie! Oh hell, I think I'll just go watch The Pacifier again!

MARLEY & ME

Here's the entire plot of this film (spoiler alert!): Cute dog gets old and dies at the end of the film. It's kind of like the ending to Old Yeller without, of course, the rabies and the dog's brains being splattered all over the yard by his owner's shotgun. Of course, I'll probably get some angry comments from some PETA members over this one! Told you I was politically incorrect!

LONE WOLF MCQUADE

 

Lone Wolf McQuade has got to be without a doubt my absolute favorite action flick of all-time. In the film, karate legend Chuck Norris plays Texax Ranger J.J. McQuade. And, before you start having your doubts, this isn't that asinine Walker Texas Ranger bullshit! The movie character McQuade, unlike the TV character Walker, is a hard-drinking, habitual-womanizing actual ass-kicker (now, before you WTR fans start leaving me angry comments, in the movie, unlike the TV show, Chuck actually performs ALL of his own fight scenes). Chuck's primary love-interest in the film--besides, of course, beer and his souped-up truck!--is the ultra hot Barbara Carrera and his nemesis is the other karate legend the late David Carradine (who's primarily known more nowadays for dying of reported erotic asphyxiation than his actual martial arts skills). David plays a ruthless gunrunner who, as you might've already figured out by now, has a major showdown with Norris at his compound where he's kidnapped Chuck's daughter who seeks to rescue said daughter and bring down the ruthless gunrunning Carradine once and for all along with the help of his partner and a federal agent. I won't, of course, tell you who wins (though, again, I believe you might've figured that out by now as well, haven't you?). Oh yeah, there's also a midget, uh, I mean, little person in a wheelchair in the flick who also happens to be a bad guy. Told you this flick kicked ass, didn't I!

FORREST GUMP

Forrest Gump is the widely-acclaimed movie based on the book of the same name. The film, for those few who haven't seen it or at least heard of it, stars Tom Hanks in the title role of a retarded, uh, I mean, mentally-challenged man named--you guessed it!--Forrest Gump.. In spite of Forrest's obvious, for lack of a better word, challenges, he runs into an amazing string of good luck and ends up doing pretty damn well for himself. The film also features the other beloved character Lt. Dan played by Gary Sinise who is Forrest's commander in the Army in Vietnam who ends up losing both his legs during an attack and is rescued by Forrest. As a result, they begin a lifelong relationship and even go into the shrimping business together. Forrest even has a love-interest in the flim named Jenny played by Robin Wright who contracts AIDS from another man and becomes pregnant with Forrest's child after they have . . . well, you know! This film would undoubtedly be in a lot of people's top ten favorite films list of all-time. Me? Not so much! But, then again, does that surprise you? Actually, I liked this film more than I thought I would, but, as I think I stated before, I automatically get turned off to a film (or anything else, for that matter) that people make a big damn deal about (Star Wars being a major exception). I also got a little turned off to this film because I've actually known people similar to Forrest Gump in my home-state of Arkansas (though they weren't as, shall we say, likeable as the Gump character) in that I saw people who got an unbelievable string of good luck in spite of their--again, shall we say--handicap (and, no, I'm not referring to Forrest's type of handicap, if you know what I mean!). This movie also shows that movies are just like a box of choc-o-lates: you'll NEVER know what you're gonna get! 

RED SONJA

Red Sonja is a mid-eighties sword-and-sorcery flick that stars Brigitte Nielsen and Arnold "I Impregnated My Homely Housemaid!" Schwarzenegger. Nowadays Brigitte Nielsen is primarily known as a bat-crap crazy "reality" TV star, but, believe it not, she was once a bonafide actress (or at least she tried to be!). This was her first and, if I'm not mistaken, her last starring movie role as a Xena-type sword-wielding warrior who . . . well, who cares, right? Really, the ONLY reason to watch this flick, which was universally panned by both critics and audiences alike (the film didn't even recoup half of its production costs at the box office, if THAT should tell you something!), is if you're into watching Amazonian-type women in rather scantily-clad period costumes wielding huge swords (and I'm sure there's a sexual innuendo in there somewhere!). Frankly, I think she only got this role (and, of course, others) because she just happened to be married to Sylvester "Living Bobo Doll" Stallone at the time back when he (and let's not forget Ah-nold!) was still considered a bankable actor. To add insult to injury, this film won Brigitte her only, uh-hum, acting award--again, if I'm not mistaken--for Worst New Star and was, uh-hum, nominated for Worst Actress at the notorious Golden Raspberry Awards, better known as the Razzies (and also known as "the only awards that really matter"), back in 1985. Hell, even Ah-nold called this flick the "worst" film he's ever made (and, coming from Ah-nold who I less-than-affectionately refer to as The Foreign John Wayne, that's really saying at lot!)!

DELIVERANCE

 

Deliverance is a heartwarming tale of male-bonding between four friends who decide to take a canoe trip down a river one special weekend deep in the wilderness in Georgia. Actually, it's a rather brutal movie about four friends who do indeed take a canoe trip one rather harrowing weekend down a river deep in the Georgia wilderness. This film is famous for two things: the opening, uh-hum, musical "Dueling Banjos" scene with a creepy kid playing banjo with one of the four friends, uh-hum, playing guitar and the by-now-infamous scene where Ned Beatty is made to "squeal like a pig" before being, shall we say, violated by a psychotic hillbilly at gunpoint. This rather fucked up flick also stars Jon Voight--who's perhaps better known today for being a rather kooky right-wing stooge and for being Angelina Jolie's reportedly estranged father--and Burt Reynolds back when he was still considered to be a sex symbol before all his plastic surgery started making him look like Skeletor. Based on the book of the same name (and, yes, the hillbilly rape scene is just as funny in the book as in the movie, although there's no "squeal like a pig"; damn it!), the movie even features a cameo of the book's author--who also wrote the screenplay, "squeal like a pig" scene and all!--named James Dickey (and, yes, that's his real name!) as the town sheriff. You know, this would be considered a "date movie" in Arkansas! (And I can, of course, make a "joke" like that since I'm from Arkansas! And please keep your own "jokes" to yourself about that, all right?) A sidenote: Poor Ned Beatty! He'll always be known for That Scene. I mean, just Google the guy's name and see what you get (I mean, he's like the Rick Santorum of actors!)! Even his co-star Burt Reynolds stated during a TV interview I saw him give some years back--on Jay Leno's The Tonight Show, if memory serves--that the lake where they filmed That Scene was renamed--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--Sodomy Creek. Burt also stated in the same interview that he helped cast the part of the hillbilly rapist and, when they told the guy he'd have to rape a guy oncamera, according to Burt, he just looked at them and said (insert hillbilly rapist accent here!), "I've done worse!" I don't think there's anything else that needs to be said at this point, do you?

WITHOUT YOU I'M NOTHING

Without You I'm Nothing is the 1990 cinematic version of actress/comedienne Sandra Bernhard's one-woman play of the same name. To be honest, I don't remember much about this film . . . except for ONE thing: The scene towards the end of the movie where Sandra does this ultra sexy go-go dance to the classic eighties song "Little Red Corvette" by noted weirdo rock star Prince while wearing only pasties and an ultra skimpy G-string, which has got to be without a doubt one of the all-time sexiest movie scenes I've EVER seen! I know, I know Sandra Bernhard is definitely not everyone's cup of tea and she's most definitely not what some (or most) people would consider stereotypically beautiful, even by Sandra's own stated admission. But, speaking strictly for myself, I think Sandra just oozes raw perverted sexuality, and, if you don't believe me, just watch THIS scene and you'll easily see what I mean (and, if you DON'T, then to hell with ya!)!

THE SEX MONSTER

The Sex Monster is a late-nineties lesbian comedy (isn't that an oxymoron?) starring Mariel Hemingway--who's the daughter of none other than legendary writer Ernest Hemingway--as a wife who gets talked into having a threesome by her husband played by who-cares-what-the-hell-his-name-is. However, she decides that she doesn't really want to have said threesome and instead decides to take all the women she wants and so she starts going after anything with two tits and a hole (including her hubby's very own sis!). Being a stated fan of ANY lesbian flick, including the more whiny ones (and, believe you me, there are plenty of those!), I very much, uh-hum, enjoyed this flick, though I did have a problem with there being no hardcore nudity in this film (as I recall), which kind of surprised me considering that Mariel Hemingway definitely has had NO aversion whatsoever to baring her bod oncamera, as she did in her other not-so-funny lesbian flick Personal Best and when she played slain Playboy Playmate Dorothy Stratton in Star 80. But it really doesn't matter as there's plenty of lesbian innuendo and/or make-out scenes to distract you from the lack of ta-ta and/or poonany shots, athough, of course, it would have been a MOST welcome add-on! Oh well! Oh, by the way, this flick stars none other than Stephen Baldwin who's, of course, one of the, uh-hum, actor brothers of none other than Alec "Thoughtless Little Pig!" Baldwin. This was, of course, before he became a self-righteous evangelical D-Bag (of course, I'm talking about Stephen and not Alec, although, of course, Alec is a self-righteous D-Bag in his OWN right!).

AGE OF CONSENT

Age Of Consent is a 1969 Australian film starring the late James Mason and legendary actress Helen Mirren. In the film, Mason plays a New York artist who travels to Australia where he meets a young semi-feral woman played by a 24-year-old Mirren in her debut film role. The movie is basically about Mason painting Mirren in ze buff (and there's also a May-December "romantic" subplot thrown in for good measure). This would actually be a pretty boring movie were it NOT for Helen's numerous nude scenes (but then, doesn't nudity improve just about ANY film?). What's most intriguing about Helen's nude scenes is how--how do I put this discreetly?--plumper she is compared with today's often waif-esque Hollywood starlets and/or models. And, quite frankly, I think she's a damn sight sexier!

BREEZY

Breezy is a "romantic" film--which today is otherwise known as a "chick flick"--released back in the early-seventies and directed by none other than Clint Eastwood (yes, old Dirty Harry himself!). The film stars legendary actor the late William Holden (of Sam Peckinpah's The Wild Bunch fame) and actress Kay Lenz. Holden plays a rather cantankerous middle-aged man who gets involved in a May-December romance with a hippy-type younger girl played by Lenz who calls herself--you guessed it!--Breezy. Two things that really drew me to this picture: First, William Holden's character is actually a lot like yours truly (and people who know me--which are NOT very many people, I assure you!--will definitely know what I'm talking about!), and, second, Kay Lenz's nudie "love" scenes with Holden (who himself doesn't show anything; thank God!). Ironically, the film was actually criticized for not being "erotic" enough as Eastwood was charged by some critics as being too "polite" (Dirty Harry, polite?!) with his depiction of the "eroticism" of Holden and Lenz's lovemaking in the film given the attitudes of the time towards these type of romances. Another thing that rather intrigued me about the film is that it was in fact directed by Clint Eastwood who, let's face it, is NOT known for starring in and/or directing these type of films (The Bridges Of Madison County and Play Misty For Me being exceptions), although this film was released--though it was shelved for about a year by the movie studio because they reportedly felt it wasn't "commercial" enough--some years before his starring role as Dirty Harry cemented his status as a Hollywood icon. Another thing I enjoyed about this film (besides, of course, Kay Lenz's nudie scenes!) was the fact that it wasn't sappy-crappy like most if not all of the other romantic and/or chick flicks that's released nowadays (or shoved down the moviegoing public's throat, whichever way you want to look at it). But, then again, would you expect anything LESS from Clint "Make My Day!" Eastwood? Well? 

EXTRAMARITAL

Extramarital is a late-nineties flick starring Traci Lords (yes, THAT Traci Lords!) and is about . . . well, it doesn't really matter what it's about, as far as I'm concerned, as the only REAL reason to watch this film is that this was the last time Traci Lords appeared in ze buff oncamera since her late-eighties sci-fi flick Not Of This Earth after she left the porny business amid MUCH controversy (more on THAT in a bit). Or, at least, Traci appeared semi-nude in this flick as she still managed to keep herself strategically-covered (like, for instance, there was no, shall we say, nipplage and definitely NO poonany shots!), but it was STILL sexy to see nonetheless, especially for all you Traci Lords fans out there (and I'm sure there are STILL quite a few of you!)! A sidenote: As for Traci Lords' previous, for lack of a better word, career, it was revealed after she'd already "retired" that all of her X-rated opuses were made when she was--again, shall we say--not even barely legal, if you know what I mean (and I'm, of course, quite sure that you do). Well, all of them except one which was her last one called, appropriately enough, Traci I Love You (also released as--again, appropriately enough--A Taste Of Traci), which was, I must say, the absolute best "adult" flick I've EVER seen! One of the charges Traci's made about her former, er, career that she was somehow forced and/or manipulated to do porno. However, one look at THIS film and one can clearly see she wasn't forced and/or manipulated to do ANYTHING!    

ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO

 

Zack and Miri Make a Porno stars Seth Rogen and hottie Elizabeth Banks (no relation, damn it!) as two cash-strapped roommates--i.e. Zack & Miri--who hatch a plan to make some quick cash and make their very own--you guessed it!--porno. They recruit their friends and hire a couple of "actresses"--played by (of course!) squeaky-voiced former porn star Katie Morgan and ex-kiddie porn queen Traci Lords--to apparently add authenticity to the fuck flick. They decide to make a porno parody of Star Wars (my own personal favorite is Seth Rogen playing the part of Hung Solo, though I personally would've went with Hand Solo, but that's just me!). But then their plans abruptly change when their set gets destroyed and they decide to make just your average everyday run-of-the-mill porno--well, if you call Traci Lords doing a guy with a strap-on up the pooper run-of-the-mill!--at the coffee shop where they work (after hours, of course!). Of course, things turn all lovey-dovey when Zack & Miri discover they have feelings for each other during their, uh-hum, love scene together. That's when things get complicated between the two roommates and friends and . . . well, I'll just skip to the end where (spoiler alert!) Zack expresses his true feelings for Miri while she's sitting on the can and is interrupted by her new--and nude!--roommate who also "starred" in their porno who teaches Zack a new way to masturbate. Ah, a love story for the ages! Oh yeah, before I forget, this film was directed by noted "indie" film director Kevin Smith whose films are admittedly hit or miss (does anyone remember that Bruce Willis/Tracy Morgan cinematic travesty Cop Out?), though this film is, in my oh-so-humble, a hit (that is, if you're into truly fucked-up, uh-hum, love stories!). A sidenote: Believe it or not, there IS a porno parody of Star Wars out! Now I'm not sure if there's a "Hung Solo" in it or not since I haven't watched said Star Wars porno parody (yet!), but, when I finally do (and, believe you me, I will!), you'll be the FIRST to know!

THE TERMINATOR

I know I'm going to hack off a lot of sci-fi fans for saying this, but I've never been a big fan of The Terminator. I think part of the reason why I'm not gah-gah over this film as others are is because this flick was hyped up SO much to me by others before I watched it and my expectations of this movie were SO high that it left me feeling somewhat disappointed after watching it since I, of course, was expecting SO much from it. (Don't you hate it when people do that?) For those few of you who still haven't watched this film yet (or have at least heard of it), it stars former-pro-bodybuilder/California-Republican-governor/homely-housemaid-impregnator Arnold Schwarzenegger in the role that made him a household name as he plays a cyborg assassin--i.e. a terminator--who travels back in time to kill the woman--played by Linda Hamilton--who will give birth to the future savior of mankind. Linda's character is aided by a man--played by Michael Biehn--who also hails from the future who ends up impregnating her. Got all that? The movie--directed by famed movie director James Cameron (of Avatar and Titanic fame)--has spawned two movie sequels (so far) and a TV series that has since been cancelled. Quite frankly, my favorite part of the movie was Linda Hamilton's nudie love scene with Micheal Biehn (of course!). Now, before I start getting angry posts about this, I do think it's an OK film in a B-movie-type-of-way, but one of the greatest sci-fi films of all-time? Star Wars it most definitely ain't! And, while we're at it, I didn't think too much of the first sequel called Judgment Day. (I

mean, Ah-nold playing the same cyborg from the first film who not only helps the woman--still played by Linda Hamilton--he was initially sent to kill and her now-teenaged son who is destined to destroy his kind but he's also interested in human emotion and will only shoot people in the kneecaps? Really, James?) I will say that I kind of enjoyed the second sequel called Rise of the Machines that was released while Ah-nold was running (The Running Man, get it?) for "guv'ner" of "Caleeforneeah" in that state's insipid recall (Total Recall, get it?) election. I think the reason why I enjoyed this film more is because it wasn't hyped near as much as the first two (in fact, it was pretty much panned by fans as the weakest of all The Terminator films; oh well!). As for what I thought of the now-cancelled TV series, well, I believe I'll just let you figure THAT one out for yourself, all right?   

POINT BREAK

I'll admit, I'm NOT the biggest Keanu Reeves fan. I mean, let's face it, he's pretty much done that same damn Bill & Ted schtick in practically every one of his damn movies! This is one of his more, shall we say, tolerable performances. In the movie, Reeves plays an FBI agent who infiltrates a--wait for it!--surfer gang who also robs banks while wearing--stay with me!--President's Halloween masks who is led by an old-time "surfer guru" played by the late Patrick Swayze back during his macho action star phase (does the all-time, er, classic action flick Road House ring any bells?). On top of all that, Keanu's boss is played by none other than Gary Busey (back before he became bat-crap crazy and was still at least a somewhat respected actor, though this film might have changed all that!). And perhaps the biggest shocker of all was that this film was actually directed by noted film director Kathryn Bigelow who used to not only be married to film director James Cameron (of Avatar and The Terminator fame) but she also actually beat out her ex-husband by winning the Oscar for her critically-acclaimed film The Hurt Locker. Going back to THIS film, it's actually not too bad of a movie for a B-movie-esque action flick (though you do have to suspend disbelief BIG time!). My own personal favorite part of the movie is when co-star Lori Petty (of Tank Girl fame) runs away from Reeves (not a bad idea, actually!) and her shirt flies up and we see that she's NOT wearing any underwear (though you have to pause it to get a really good look at her sexy naked behind!)! On a more serious note, however, this film undoubtedly made MORE money at the all-important box office than Miss Bigelow's film The Hurt Locker, which, by ANY standard, is a far more superior film. And what does THAT say about the moviegoing public? As for Keanu Reeves himself, he'd best be glad that the ladies seem to want to do him! I mean, how ELSE to explain his continuing inexplicable popularity! (Poor Alex Winter!) Oh yeah, this film also features a cameo by Anthony Kiedis who's the front-man for the rock group the Red Hot Chili Peppers. As if this film WASN'T crazy enough! 

BUTTERFLY KISS

Butterfly Kiss is most definitely NOT your typical lesbian love story (but then, there are undoubtedly those who would ask is there ANY "typical" lesbian love story!). The movie stars actresses Amanda Plummer--who is one of the more, shall we say, unique actresses out there--and Saskia Reeves. Amanda's character is a travelling serial killer--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--and Saskia is her weirdo love-interest who is clearly NOT operating on all cylinders herself as, of course, you'll see from watching the film. And, if THAT weren't freaky enough, Plummer's character walks around with locks and chains connected all over her body, which we get to see in a couple of nudie love scenes, one with, of course, Saskia and another with a delivery guy she does the nasty with in his delivery van before she ends up offing him. Reeves' character goes on the road with Plummer where they wind up going on a killing spree, So, for those who are into kinky-freaky lesbian "love" stories, then THIS could very well be the flick for YOU!

A FACE IN THE CROWD

 

A Face In the Crowd is a 1957 movie, back when movies were still filmed in black & white, and stars legendary actor the late Andy Griffith, who's, of course, best known for his roles in such beloved TV series such as Matlock and ever-favorite The Andy Griffith Show. In fact, it was reportedly his role in this film that led to him being case in his own show despite the fact that the character Griffith plays in THIS film is the total opposite of the beloved character he played on The Andy Griffith Show (Griffith was actually pretty good at playing bastards). In the movie, Griffith plays a drifter from my own homestate of Arkansas who ends up becoming the country's most popular political pundit known as Lonesome Rhodes. The character was reportedly based on an actual popular TV personality named Arthur Godfrey who was a popular radio and TV personality of the forties and fifties until he threw a temper-tantrum on live TV--as shows were usually filmed back then--and fired a popular singer on his show named Julius LaRosa and viewers got to see that his public persona was NOT the same as his private persona, which is (spoiler alert!) what happens to Lonesome Rhodes in the movie. What I found most interesting about the movie is how, while it was supposed to be based--at least somewhat so--on Godfrey, it could easily be a commentary of the political pundits of today and their inexplicable influence on politics nowadays (and, yes, that includes Jon Stewart!). For instance, in one scene, Lonesome Rhodes is meeting with a Presidential candidate who wants Rhodes to back him and Rhodes begins advising him on how stupid and/or easily-manipulated the American public is and tells him how he has to dumb himself down to appeal to the "stupid" masses. Taking his advice, said Presidential candidate appears on Lonesome Rhodes' TV show where he's shown going hunting with Rhodes--even though said candidate has never been hunting a day in his life--and talks on his show about people being "coddled" through things like Social Security while he has a dip of snuff in his mouth. I ask, does ANY of this sound familiar? I mean, couldn't you imagine the exact same scenario being played out with, say, Sarah Palin? A sidenote: Legendary filmmaker Elia Kazan directed this movie and also directed actors like Marlon Brando is such classic films like On the Waterfront and A Streetcar Named Desire. Kazan courted controversy when he testified at the House Un-American House Activities Committee as a "friendly witness" and offered names of his colleagues within the entertainment industry to the Committee as suspected Communists a few years before directing A Face In the Crowd. When Kazan was given the Lifetime Achievement Award during the Oscars in 1999, his past came back to haunt him and controversy erupted around him once again and a number of entertainers threatened to walk out when he was given said award (but, of course, they didn't) in spite of the fact that Kazan had long since expressed his regret over his testimony at the HUAC (which was eventually abolished in the mid-seventies). Kazan died back in 2003, leaving people to decide for themselves what his true legacy will be. 

CASUAL SEX?

Victoria Jackson was once best known for her days on Saturday Night Live. Nowadays, however, she's perhaps best known for being a crazy-as-bat-shit right-winger who even Fox News more than likely thinks is nuts as she's gone on various shows on Fox (Non) News and spouts off inanites such as Barack Obama is a, and I quote, Communist and how his "secret army" was going to come and kill her (Glenn Beck, are you listening?) and went ape-shit over two guys kissing on the popular TV show Glee and . . . well, you get the picture. Victoria has also claimed to be a "born-again Christian" even as far back during her days on SNL. However, there's just one slight little problem with this as it was during this time she also starred in THIS movie back when she was still a halfway decent piece of ass (no offense, Victoria!) about two gal pals--played by Jackson and actress hottie Lea Thompson--who basically spend the entire flick trying to get laid. Victoria even has--try NOT to barf!--a couple of brief nude scenes in the flick. Which, of course, begs the question: Would a person who TRULY felt themselves a "born-again Christian" have even considered starring in a flick about two unwed women acting, as the "Christians" say, promiscuous and even includes a couple of (brief) nudie scenes to boot? I mean, when's the last time you saw Kirk Cameron appearing in ze buff in one of his flicks? Well? And, on top of all that, this movie features the acting, er, debut of none other than controversial comedian Andrew "Dice" Clay (yes, THAT Andrew "Dice" Clay!)!

SISTER MY SISTER

Fans of lesbian-themed movies will NOT be disappointed by this mid-nineties flick starring actresses Joely Richardson and Jodhi May along with legendary actress Julie Waters. The film is based on an actual event that took place in France back in the thirties where two live-in maids who were also sisters ended up murdering their boss (played by Waters) and her daughter. The case was known in the press as the Papin murder case and the press also speculated how the sisters (played by, of course, Richardson and May) shared more--a LOT more!--than just mere "sisterly" love. And, believe you me, this flick explores THAT aspect to a GREAT extent! Though this film features no nudity (though we do get to see Joely & Jodhi in slips as well as Jodhi's hairy armpits for all you "hirsute" fetishists out there!), there are some pretty intense "love" scenes--if, of course, one could call them that!--between the sisters. However, I think the most intensely erotic scene is really not between Joely & Jodhi (though those scenes are, of course, pretty damn hot too!) but rather between Jodhi and the daughter (played by "plumper" actress Sophie Thursfield) where she holds out a brush to Jodhi with a come-hither stare and she looks as if she's in an orgasmic state while Jodhi brushes her hair. Pretty kinky, eh? A sidenote: Joely Richardson is also the sister of the late actress Natasha Richardson who died in a freak skiing accident in Quebec back in March of 2009, for those of you who don't remember.

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

This highly controversial film directed by noted anti-Semitic/girlfriend-threatening whack-job Mel Gibson is about the supposed last hours of Jesus Christ (complete with Aramaric!). I think that South Park episode said it best: This wasn't a movie . . . this was a snuff film!

BASEKETBALL

South Park creators and sometime actors Matt Parker and Trey Stone have been receiving accolades for their hit Broadway musical The Book Of Mormon. However, their "fans" probably wouldn't be giving said accolades if they watched THIS cinematic atrocity heaped upon the moviegoing world by Parker & Stone at the height of South Park's popularity. (I guess the Hollywood big-wigs who green-lighted THIS cinematic crap-fest probably thought having the creators of the ultra popular South Park in a film, ANY film, would be a mega-hit at the box office. Oops!) The film is about a couple of dimwits--played by, of course, Parker & Stone--who introduce a new sport--called, of course, Baseketball (it's a combination of baseball and basketball, get it?)--that takes the country by storm. Quite frankly, this flick is so damned idiotic and unwatchable it looked like it was produced by a couple of college stoners (which is probably more true than not!). It takes a lot for me to truly hate a film, and THIS film I truly hate! I mean, this film sucked SO bad that it effectively killed co-star Yasmine Bleeth's career. And just who's Yasmine Bleeth, you might be asking yourself? Precisely! What's worse about the inexplicable release of this (alleged) movie is that Matt Parker and Trey Stone have no apparently qualms about publicly criticizing other far more established filmmakers such as Steven Spielberg and my own personal fave George Lucas; like, for instance, years ago in their Playboy Interview where one of them--I can't remember which--actually bragged about walking up to George Lucas at some celebrity event--drunk--and telling him TO HIS FACE how the first Star Wars prequel, and I quote, sucked and how no one should go see it and that one South Park episode where Lucas rapes a stormtrooper (nice!). Well, I hate to burst your self-satisfied bubble, Matt & Trey, but I don't see ANYONE lining up twenty years from now to see THIS cinematic shit-fest regardless of how many added special effects you add to it! Sorry!