GAMER

 

 

 

Gamer stars Gerard Butler (who starred in the earlier-reviewed The Ugly Truth and 300) as a death row prisoner who agrees to take part in a "reality" show where he has a special chip implanted in his brain so he can be controlled by a "gamer" where he literally fights for his freedom with other death row inmates. As it turns out, Gerard's character was set up for murder--he did it but he was "made" to do it; get it?--so he can participate and subsequently be killed in said "reality" show because he apparently knows all about the program that was created by this megalomaniac Bill Gates-type computer genius. Actually, the plot to this flick sounds suspiciously a lot like the "plot" to the earlier-reviewed Death Race. Hell, even the car chase scenes look like those in DR! In any case, Gamer isn't too bad of a sci-fi flick in spite of its poor reviews and its lackluster box office performance. Most of all, this flick--sort of like the earlier-reviewed flick Idiocracy--paints a scenario that could very well happen in  this country in the not-so-distant future. Don't think it could happen, that this is merely a movie? Well, Butler's hot-looking wife in the film--played by ultra hot model Amber Valletta--makes her living since her husband's incarceration as a real life avatar in a Sims-type real life video game where she, too, is being "controlled"--by this fat greasy creepy guy--to do his bidding. Now, I ask you, how many people would want a job like THAT? Still think it couldn't happen in this country? A sidenote: This flick contains one of the grossest movie scenes I've ever seen--and, trust me, I've seen quite a few of them!--where, during Gerard's escape, he steals a car and "fuels" it by throwing up into the gas tank and then taking a piss into it after he drinks a whole bottle of hooch. Just make sure you're not eating anything during this scene, all right?

THE ROOKIE

The Rookie is an early-nineties film that stars Clint Eastwood and Charlie Sheen (yes, Mr. Tiger Blood himself!). In the film, Clint plays a grizzled police detective (think Dirty Harry lite) and Charlie plays his new "rookie" partner who apparently has ulterior motives for wanting to become a police officer (i.e. to piss off his father, proving that "art" imitates life after all!). Anyway, Clint's character is obsessed with finding a certain bad guy played by the late Raul Julia and his MILF-esque partner played by Brazilian actress Sonia Braga. It's pretty standard cop "buddy" drama fare . . . except for one notable difference: This film raised eyebrows for its rape scene showing--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--Clint Eastwood strapped to a chair after Raul and Sonia kidnap him and she straddles him and . . . well, you know! Clint's character gets revenge--sort of--when Charlie's character shoots Sonia's character between the eyes. (Subtle this flick most definitely AIN'T!) So, if you've been dying to see Dirty Harry get, shall we say, buggered by a MILF-esque Brazilian actress, then The Rookie could very well be the flick for YOU! A sidenote: With regards to his nutty-ass "speech" at the Republican National Convention where he "spoke" to an empty chair, just what the fuck is it with Clint Eastwood and chairs anyway?
     

A SPECIAL FU TO JODIE FOSTER

Jodie Foster, when she's not playing underage prostitutes and "influencing" crazy-asses to try to murder the President and when she's not winning awards by pretending to be gang-raped on a pinball machine for half-a-movie (WORST . . . PORNO . . . EVER!!!!), she's, uh-hum, defending her rather beleaguered Hollywood "pals" like Mel Gibson and Kristen Stewart. She went on record, uh-hum, defending Mel Gibson while out promoting the earlier-reviewed flick The Beaver (AGAIN, WORST . . . PORNO . . . EVER!!!!) saying how he was still "the most loved man in the film business" even AFTER he was caught on tape literally threatening his ex-girlfriend--and mother of his very own child--by boasting how he could do horrible things to her like beat her with a baseball bat and bury her in his backyard and he could get away with it since, of course, he was indeed "the most loved man in show business." (And do I even have to remind you of that by-now-notorious anti-Semitic rant he went on after he was stopped by that cop for drunk driving, saying how the Jews were "responsible" for all the wars in the world--including the Cola wars?--and whatnot?) Jodie, after defending her bestest bud Mel, took to, uh-hum, defending her gal pal Kristen Stewart after she was caught fooling around with her director who also just happened to be married with children, saying how if she were a young actor today she would just up and quit because of today's stars's lack of privacy and whatnot. Two questions, Jodie: Your "pal" Kristen talks to the press about her "private" life, dates her co-star AND openly fools around with her married director (not to mention, as I pointed out in my earlier "FU" post about her, she likened being famous to being raped), so how in the blessed hell is SHE the "victim" in all of this? And two, you said that if you were a new star like your "pal" Kristen, though, like you, she was a child star (her first movie was with Jodie, if I'm not mistaken), you would just up and quit show business altogether. Well, if being a celebrity is so damned bad, as you obviously claim it is, what the hell's stopping you--or your "pal" Kristen--for quitting show business NOW? Well? A sidenote: Jodie Foster recently penned a column where she, after furthering her "defense" of Miss Stewart, implied how she was the only actress capable of playing said gang-rape victim and/or the FBI agent in Silence Of The Lambs (or she seemingly did as I just more or less skimmed the article-in-question as I have a low tolerance for celebrity self-congratulatory B.S.). If this don't convince you why I'm giving her a hearty "FU" I don't know WHAT will!

DEATH RACE

Death Race is the "remake" of the seventies "cult" classic Death Race 2000 directed by noted B-movie director Roger Corman that starred David Carradine (of Kung Fu fame) and Sylvester Stallone (of Rocky & Rambo and A Party At Kitty Stud's fame). This Death Race stars noted action star Jason Statham as a "retired" race car driver who gets framed for his wife's murder. He gets sent to a brutal futuristic "private" prison--well, the movie's set in 2012--where prisoners are "required" to compete in--you guessed it!--the Death Race for the public's entertainment after the country's economy all but collapses (sound familiar?). As it turns out, the warden of the prison--played by Joan Allen (yes, THE Joan Allen!)--was the one who set up Jason's character for his wife's murder by having another inmate kill his wife so he can be sent to her prison and  "compete" in said Death Race after her other "star" driver known merely as Frankenstein dies in a race at the beginning of the film also by the warden's order so he wouldn't get released after winning so many races and therefore keep her "ratings" up. The warden "persuades" Jason's character to "replace" Frankenstein and whom she winds up double-crossing--or at least tries to--just like the first Frankenstein. And I'm telling you this because THIS plot-point you can see coming a mile away! Anyway, obvious plot-points aside, this isn't a bad movie, especially when it comes to the rather intense car race scenes. This is the type of film that can definitely appeal to a certain type of audience (i.e. the type with a penis!). Oh yeah, this film also stars Ian McShane as Jason's main mechanic, singer/actor Tyrese Gibson as Jason's main racing rival and ultra hot actress Natalie Martinez as Jason's ultra hot riding partner. Just thought you'd like to know! A sidenote: There was also a straight-to-video "sequel" to Death Race that shows the "origins" of the first Frankenstein and, at the time of this writing, there will be a third "sequel" that will also more-than-likely be straight-to-video. Again, just thought you like to know!

STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT

Sylvester Stallone once called this incredibly asinine flick the "worst" film he's EVER made (and with a Golden Girl to boot!). Really, Rambo? Worse than that PORNO you made a year or so before Rocky came out (pardon the pun!)? Yes, ladies & gents, Sylvester made a PORNO! And he CAN'T deny that he came out with a PORNO (again, pardon the pun!) because HE PUT HIS VERY OWN NAME ON THE DAMN THING!!!! I think I'll just let THAT sink in for a moment or two, all rightie? A sidenote: In case you were wondering (and I'm sure you were!), the porno-in-question was titled--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--A Party At Kitty & Stud's which was later renamed--and, again, I'm NOT making this up!--The Italian Stallion after Rocky was released complete with Rocky-esque music. And, yes, Sylvester Stallone DOES show filmgoers his, shall we say, talent in said porno. I'll just let THAT image sink in for a moment (or two), all rightie?

WILD HOGS

Wild Hogs is a pretty asinine film about four middle-aged D-Bags--played by John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, Tim Allen, you get the picture--who go through a midlife crisis and all decide to go on a road trip on their motorcycles where they run afoul of a "menacing" biker gang led by Ray Liotta. But what I found most interesting about this film is not necessarily the film itself but when John Travolta, while out promoting this dumbass flick, urged everyone to "do their part" to help stop so-called global warning. So said the guy who owns a slew of gas-guzzling private jets plus the fact that he starred in THIS flick about a bunch of middle-aged D-Bags who take a cross-country road trip on gas-guzzling motorcycles. Now when Mr. Travolta decides to travel around and/or make movies about rickshaws, then I might--and I say might--take him seriously on this subject. Otherwise, and this goes for all of the other Hollywood types who want to dictate how I should live my life (while, of course, not taking their own advice like John), STFU!!!! And, no, I won't say ANYTHING about John (allegedly) molesting all those massage, uh-hum, therapists, OK?

A TRIBUTE TO RAMBO

Rambo is the brainchild of author David Morrell who first introduced us to the character in his 1972 novel First Blood, which, of course, was the very first movie in the series that came out a decade later with Sylvester "Rocky" Stallone playing the title role. For those few of you who haven't heard of Rambo before or seen any of the movies or read the book, Rambo is a Vietnam Vet who gets into trouble when he hitchhikes to a small town in Kentucky and runs afoul of the town sheriff who at first kindly runs him out of town, saying how he doesn't want "his kind" in his precious little town. Rambo in turn declares all-out war on the sheriff and his precious little town. In the book, Rambo is a murderous psycho who ends up killing about half the town, including the sheriff (well, technically, he dies of a heart attack undoubtedly brought on by the stress of hunting down Rambo). In the movie, Rambo--who's given the first name John that's not in the book as he's simply referred to as Rambo--only kills a small handful of people and only then reluctantly so to make him more "likable" to moviegoers. In the book, Rambo's commanding officer and mentor Sam Trautman, who helps the sheriff track down Rambo, ends up killing his former protegee by blowing his head off with a shotgun. In the movie, Rambo lives--along with the sheriff (who's a far more sympathetic character in the book than in the movie)--so that there could be sequels if the movie was successful enough (although, in the DVD extras, there is a scene in which Trautman--played by the late Richard Crenna--kills Rambo upon his request). First Blood spawned three more sequels, some, of course, more successful than the others. Rambo has been both celebrated and criticized. The "right" has celebrated him for his pro-American jingoism--although this is an anti-American theme that runs through all the films and the book (in part because Rambo feels betrayed by the very country he fought for)--and the "left" has vilified him for the same reason along with the fact that the films are ultra-violent (especially the last one released a few years ago where Rambo, while living in Burma, rescues a group of missionaries captured by a band of rebels whom Rambo, along with a group of mercenaries, brutally slaughters them all). While the so-called left's vilification of the character is not so surprising, the so-called right's celebration of the character--Ronald Reagan was known to cite Rambo in some of his speeches--is rather odd considering that, at least by today's standards, Rambo would actually be considered a terrorist. As for myself, I'm actually a fan of the movies and the book. Unlike some politically-minded people, I take the Rambo flicks (and the book) for what it is: FICTION. A sidenote: My favorite of all the Rambo films would probably be the third one in which Rambo rescues his former commanding officer Sam Trautman who gets captured while on a "secret" mission in Afghanistan during the eighties when the U.S. was "secretly" supplying the very same Afghan rebels who would in turn be blamed for the horrific tragedy of 9/11 (and that's all I'm going to say about THAT). At the end of the film, right before the end credits start to roll, the movie is "dedicated" to the "gallant people" of Afghanistan. When I saw the movie on late-night TV some years ago, that part of the film was noticeably, shall we say, edited. My, how quickly times change!

DIARY OF THE DEAD

Diary Of The Dead is the umpteenth installment of noted horror film director George A. Romero's "dead" franchise that, of course, started with his classic Night Of The Living Dead back in 1968. Anyone who's read some of my previous reviews knows that I'm not the biggest zombie film fan as they all seem to follow the same basic plot: a zombie apocalypse occurs for one reason or another and a small band of survivors fight their way through said apocalypse by killing a bunch of said zombies and some make it and some don't and, well, you get the idea. That's pretty much the basic plot of this particular zombie flick, though there is one thing that makes it at least somewhat different from other zombie flicks I've seen in that one of the characters films everything himself with his own video camera ala Cloverfield. There's also some subtext involving media voyeurism or whatever as some of the others in the zombie-surviving group take offense to his filming everything for some odd reason. Anyway, I feel the best zombie flick of all-time is indeed Night Of The Living Dead. All other zombie flicks are more or less imitators, including this one, though this zombie flick, like I said, is better than some of the others I've seen, especially if you're a zombie aficionado (or even if you aren't).

BLADE RUNNER

I know I'm gonna piss off a few fanboys with THIS review, but, I have to admit, I've never been that big of a "fan" of Alien and the earlier-reviewed Thelma & Louise director Ridley Scott's celebrated sci-fi flick Blade Runner starring Harrison Ford. This movie was released a few years after Star Wars made Ford a household name. In it, he stars as a futuristic cop who tracks down a group of rouge androids known as "replicants" who act just like humans. Quite frankly, like The Terminator and The Dark Knight, I'd heard so much about this movie before I watched it and, when I finally watched it, it kind of left me feeling, well, disappointed. My favorite part about the movie was the ultra hot Daryl Hannah as a ultra hot "replicant" (of Splash and Kill Bill fame). Otherwise, I felt the flick was far too slow-moving for my taste. Again, I know I'll probably upset some fanboys by saying this about this cult-esque film, but, hey, this is MY movie review blog! If you don't like it, WRITE YOUR OWN DAMN MOVIE REVIEW BLOG!!!! A sidenote: Not to go off-topic, but there's actually an "adult" film star who's not only named Daryl Hannah but she actually looks like the famed actress. Go figure!