Welcome to my Movie Blog!

Hi, I'm Tony, a.k.a. The Non Roger Ebert (R.I.P., Roger!), and welcome to my movie blog. First, let me start out by saying that this WON'T be any ordinary movie blog as I'll be reviewing movies you've probably heard of before or probably never thought about watching. Yes, I will review the occasional "mainstream" film (mostly to slam it!) and I'll be reviewing films both past and present (mostly past since I think most films released nowadays suck canal water!). I also won't be using any star ratings or thumbs up or thumbs down or anything like that since if you CAN'T figure out how much I love or loathe a film by my movie reviews alone then you're a dumb mofo, please exit the site NOW!!!! Along with the movie reviews will be commentaries on various celebrities and/or the so-called "entertainment" business in general. Enjoy!



Tuesday, June 25, 2013

HOWARD THE DUCK

 
Howard The Duck is a 1986 film about, well, a duck. Produced by George Lucas (yes, THAT George Lucas!), the flick is based on the comic book character of the same name. Howard The Duck is a kind of like the X-rated version of Donald Duck as he's a cigar-chomping, wise-cracking sex-obsessed, well, DUCK! Basically, the "plot" revolves around Howard as he's, er, plucked from his homeworld of, um, Duckworld where he hooks up with a sexy musician played by Lea Thompson (who, if you'll recall, kissed her own son in Back To The Future) and they have a bunch of whacky adventures. You really don't need to know much more about the "plot" than that. As you can probably guess, this is the type of flick that you need to turn your brain off for a couple of hours to really enjoy it. Not surprisingly, the film was universally panned by critics and was a box office bomb. But I really can't understand why everyone got so up in arms--or, rather, got their feathers all ruffled up!--about this particular flick that's about a cigar-chomping, wise-cracking sex-obsessed DUCK! I mean, what the hell was everyone expecting? Citizen flippin' Kane?! Oh yeah, the flick also stars Tim Robbins (who's, of course, otherwise known as "liberal" Susan Sarandon's ex). Just thought you'd like to know!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

THE KARATE KID VS. THE KARATE KID

 
I'll admit, I haven't really watched the remake of the (mostly) beloved eighties flick The Karate Kid starring martial arts action star Jackie Chan and Will Smith's kid what's-his-danged-name. The original, of course, starred Ralph Macchio--who's perhaps best known nowadays as a contestant on that rather asinine Dancing With The Stars--and Pat Morita (who, besides The Karate Kid flicks, is perhaps best known for his role in the "classic" TV show Happy Days). Both flicks are about bullied "kids" who are taught martial arts by Asian martial arts masters/handymen and are subsequently entered into martial arts tournaments to kick the living crap out of their bullies (and guess who wins?). Anyway, I was always a fan of the original KK ever since I first saw it in a movie theater back when it was first released (though I thought the sequels were rather lackluster). Like I said, I haven't really watched the remake save for bits & pieces of it, and what I have seen has left me feeling rather . . . disturbed. Why? Well, for one, in the remake, Jackie Chan is actually whopping on actual kids whereas in the original Pat Morita is whopping on twenty-somethings pretending to be kids. There's also a scene in the remake where Jackie Chan, in an obvious spin on the classic "wax on, wax off" scene in the original, is using a jacket to teach Will Smith's kid what's-his-danged-name some karate move and he's saying--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--"jacket on, jacket off" and so on and so forth. Plus the remake stars Will Smith's kid what's-his-danged-name (gee, I wonder how in the blessed hell he got THAT job!). I mean, it's bad enough that I have to see Will Smith in the pictures, am I right, people!

Saturday, June 15, 2013

THE TRANSPORTER

 
The Transporter stars action star Jason Statham as a military veteran named Frank who works as a transporter, i.e. he carries "packages" for unscrupulous types. During one transport, Frank breaks one of his own rules and ends up looking inside one of the "packages" he's carrying in a bag in the trunk of his car when he stops to change a flat tire, which turns out to be a cute Asian chick who's involved in an Asian slave ring headed by her very own father. Regardless, he delivers said "package" to this unscrupulous type who goes by the name of Wall Street. Before Frank leaves, Mr. Street hands him another "package" to deliver, which turns out to be a briefcase bomb that explodes while Frank is out of the car. Obviously being miffed at being double-crossed like that, Frank goes back to Street's place where he promptly kicks some ass and steals one of his cars. He soon discovers said Asian chick hiding out in the backseat. He at first leaves her tied up in the middle of the road, but then has a change of heart and reluctantly takes her back to his place. When Wall Street finds out that Frank is still alive, he promptly sends some assassins to his house where they promptly blow it up. Frank and said Asian chick manage to escape and they make plans to exact their revenge. Of course, as is the case with pretty much all other action flicks, the main reason to watch The Transporter is for the action scenes, which are actually pretty intense in this flick, especially in the last thirty minutes or so of the flick (although the truck chase scene in the "climatic" scene is a bit too reminiscent of the truck chase scene in Raiders Of The Lost Ark, but then, that's just me). Oh yeah, did anyone happen to understand a word from the guy who played the French detective? Just asking!    

Sunday, June 9, 2013

DAYBREAKERS

 
Daybreakers is a rather unique vampire/horror flick. The movie presents an alternative "future" where a plague turns most of the world's population into vampires. Ethan Hawke plays a scientist working for a corporation--headed by a rather diabolical Sam Neill--trying to search for a blood substitute as the human population is dwindling and the blood supply is getting dangerously low, which are causing vampires to turn into bat-like creatures called "subsiders" who are little more than mindless killing machines. The corporation Ethan works for also "harvests" humans for their blood, a fact that doesn't sit well with Ethan's character who was turned into a vampire by his estranged brother who also works for the corporation as a soldier who captures humans to be "harvested" for their blood. When Ethan's character's attempts to find a blood substitute fail, he comes across this band of human rebels fighting against the vampires who are led by a mysterious man named "Elvis" played by--who else!--Willem Dafoe who used to be a vampire himself but he stumbled across a cure of which he hopes Hawke's character can utilize. (Of course, you'll have to watch the flick to see what the "cure" is, all right?) Anyway, Daybreakers is not like other slash & gore vampire flicks as--though it can be gory at times (especially towards the end when Ethan's character confronts Neill's character with Dafoe's character's help)--it focuses more on the story than on the slash & gore as other vampire flicks tend to do (and, yes, I'm looking at YOU, Blade!). If you'd like to watch a different type of vampire flick, then Daybreakers could very well be that flick! 

Saturday, June 8, 2013

SEARCHING FOR SUGAR MAN

 
Searching For Sugar Man is a documentary about the search for a folk singer from the early-seventies known only as Rodriguez. Rodriguez released a couple of albums during this time Cold Fact and Coming From Reality, respectfully. After both albums sold poorly in this country (even though both albums were highly-praised and some even claimed he was "better" than Bob Dylan), Rodriguez was unceremoniously dropped from his record label (who would later rip him off from future royalties, as demonstrated in the film). However, in later years, his popularity would surpass that even of Elvis Presley in South Africa. In fact, Rodriguez's music was said to have help "influence" the anti-apartheid movement in that country as his music was political in nature and often spoke of the injustices and inequalities facing the poor and the downtrodden in songs such as Sugar Man and The Establishment Blues. As a result, his albums sold extensively in South Africa throughout the years since their initial release in the U.S. Rodriquez--who was long thought to have committed suicide onstage after having a bad show--was eventually found by rabid South African fans living in Detroit and working manual labor jobs such as construction and demolition. He was invited to perform there in the late-nineties where he performed a number of sold-out shows. However, according to the documentary, Rodriguez continued to work menial jobs in spite of his newfound fame, although he has toured since the release of the documentary and has found newfound fame in the U.S. that has long eluded him and has even performed on TV talk shows such as David Letterman's and Jay Leno's. One complaint some critics had with the film was the omission that Rodriguez gained similar fame in later years in Australia and even toured there in the late-seventies. These critics accused this of being "myth-making," although, in all fairness, the documentary's focus was on Rodriguez's fame and/or influence in South Africa (although it probably still would've been a good idea to at least make mention of his "fame" in Australia at least to avoid this type of criticism). Anyway, I think the film also says a lot about how, for lack of a better word, unfair it is that someone of apparent--and humble, as is clearly shown in the film--talent like a Rodriguez is virtually ignored in this country while others with no discernible "talent" whatsoever, such as Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian (who both have released--again, for lack of a better word--musical albums of their own), are rewarded with what some--or most--have viewed as undeserved riches and fame by anyone's wildest imaginations. Now if THAT doesn't show how effed-up this country is I don't know WHAT does! A sidenote: I can kind of relate to Rodriguez in that I've tried to become a "successful" author for years, and, though I've achieved some minuscule amount of "success" in the publishing world (by mostly publishing "erotic" books ala 50 Shades Of Grey with a couple of Internet companies under a pen name), "mainstream" success has thus far eluded me similar to how the same "success" obviously eluded Rodriguez for years, especially in THIS country. Of course, there are no doubt tons of other "artists" out there in the same boat. Oh well! At least, as this documentary shows, we're all in VERY good company! 


Friday, June 7, 2013

VAMPIRES SUCK

Vampires Suck is a spoof on the sappy-crappy Twilight film series. I'm actually not too big a "fan" of spoof movies (unless, of course, they're of the "adult" variety, if you know what I mean!), and watching this film didn't turn me into a bigger "fan" of these type of flicks! Actually, this film, in spite of its universally negative reviews, wasn't too bad for a spoof film. It does manage to scrape up at least a few laughs, and the fact that it sticks it to said sappy-crappy Twilight flicks does add to its appeal. Anyway, this spoof follows pretty much the same storyline as the "original" film: "average" hormonal teenage chick goes to this weird-ass small town to live with her clueless sheriff father where she meets--and falls in love with--a "hunky" brooding teenaged vampire who DOESN'T drink blood and who DOESN'T have sex to boot (and, yes, he sparkles in sunlight just like in the Twilight flicks!). Soon said "average" hormonal teenage chick finds herself in a virginal threesome of sorts when a "hunky" brooding teenaged werewolf also vies for her affections and she--of course!--must make a choice. Of course, in the spoof, they take various jabs at the sheer inanity of it all. Like I said, this flick does manage a few laughs, although, as is the case with other spoofs I've seen, a good number of said laughs do seem a bit forced. One of the scenes I genuinely found myself laughing at is when Vampire Boy sneaks into Average Girl's bedroom one night while she's asleep and, as he's hovering over her, he makes some lame comment--ala the "original" Twilight!--about what a "gift" it is just to be able to watch her breathe or whatever and she lets out a big old fart right into his face and he winds up choking and falling out the window. Again, there are a few more laughs in this film, and it'd be an all right flick to watch if you don't have anything better to watch and especially if you can't stand those sappy-crappy Twilight flicks. Best line in the movie: "I'm paralyzed from the waist down. And do you know what's from the waist down? My penis!" Second best line in the flick: "I've been dreaming about prom ever since I was a sperm in my daddy's balls!" I will say that Vampire Boy bites it (pardon the pun!) at the end of the flick, so that's an added bonus! And I'll kindly refrain from saying this movie SUCKS, if that's all right with you!