CURSED

 

 

 

Cursed is a werewolf film in a long line of werewolf films starring Christina Ricci and that guy who played that Facebook guy in that Facebook movie directed by horror master Wes Craven (of A Nightmare On Elm Street fame). In this werewolf film, Christina Ricci and that FB-playing guy play brother & sister who get into a car accident with another woman--who, of course, had been "warned" by a psychic at a carnival that something "evil" was about to happen to her at the start of the movie--who ends up--wait for it!--getting mauled to death by said werewolf who also takes a swipe--literally!--at Ricci's character and her brother who, well, you know. As in all other werewolf films, said brother & sister try to find the original werewolf who "cursed" them so they can off said werewolf so they can turn back to normal (it turns out--spoiler alert!--there are two--count 'em--TWO werewolves in this flick who are carving up people like so much Thanksgiving turkey). Cursed isn't a terribly bad film for a werewolf flick in spite of the fact that this flick didn't get much love by the all-important critics and at the all-important box office. I am surprised that Wes Craven didn't take his name off this film like he did his vampire stinker the Eddie Murphy vehicle Vampire In Brooklyn (and instead used the Alan Smithee cinematic pseudonym that directors tend to use whenever they don't want their own names associated with a crappy film they've made). It was certainly a hell of a lot better than those sappy-crappy Twilight flicks! Oh yeah, this flick also features a "cameo" by Scott Baio (yes, THAT Scott Baio!). Cool movie poster, though!

FROM PARIS WITH LOVE

 

 

 

 

To be honest, the only reason to really watch From Paris With Love is to see John Travolta's crazy-ass over-the-top performance as bad-ass government agent Charlie Wax who prefers to play by his own rules (sound familiar?). The overall plot of this flick is rather murky. I mean, one minute Wax and his rookie partner is chasing drug dealers and the next minute they're chasing terrorists (which leads to a "twist" ending that you can actually see coming a mile away!). With a better script, this could've been a much better movie and could've possibly led to sequels. Travolta himself, who usually shuns doing sequels to his movies (the earlier-reviewed Wild Hogs NOT withstanding!), even hinted that he would've liked to have done more Charlie Wax movies. But, given the movie's rather lackluster box office performance, that isn't likely to happy anytime soon. Oh well! Film-viewers will just have to be happy with this one film with the rather memorable character Charlie Wax. 

CASINO ROYALE

 

 

 

Casino Royale marks Daniel Craig's debut as James Bond and is based on the first 007 novel by Bond author/creator Ian Fleming. Speaking as a longtime James Bond fan, while Daniel Craig is a passable actor, as James Bond, well, I myself prefer the "old" James Bond, the one who got to play with the cool gadgets and who got to bang all the hot chicks. In this film, James Bond doesn't really do either. He does have a relationship with a two-timing broad named Vespa--played by Eva Green (who's sporting enough eye makeup in this film to blind a cheap French hooker!)--who utters one of the dumbest movie lines I have ever heard while she's visiting Bond in the hospital after getting his balls smashed in by one of the bad guys (and is about the only scene where Bond cracks a grin, if that should tell you something!). I don't remember what the exact line is (thank the stars!), but it ranks right up there with "You had me at hello!" and "Nobody puts Baby in the corner!" Vespa (spoiler alert!) winds up getting offed in the end and Bond ends up pining for her in the follow-up 007 flick the oddly-named Quantum Of Solace. I know the "old" James Bond wouldn't have pined for a woman that long. In fact, he would've killed the bastard (or bastards) who were responsible for her death in the next frame and then moved on to the next kinky-named broad (Pussy Galore, anyone?). In one of the Pierce Brosnan 007 flicks, Bond shoots a two-timing gal right between the eyes and then plants a kiss on her corpse and walks away without remorse. That's the James Bond I prefer. Apparently the producers--and certain critics--of the longtime franchise felt that the James Bond character was becoming too unrealistic. Apparently these people failed to take one thing into consideration: JAMES BOND IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER!!!! I mean, I like the fact that James Bond is not "realistic" and gets to do things the "average" dude couldn't do and/or get away with in a million years in Real Life! That's one of the reasons why I've been such a huge fan of the films! Again, Daniel Craig is a passable actor--although I wish he'd take the stick out of his tight British ass every now and then!--and does make a passable Bond and Casino Royale is not a bad action movie. But, like I said, I prefer the "old" James Bond and will be happy as punch when THAT 007 returns! Hell, he doesn't even have his drinks "shaken, not stirred" in the Daniel Craig films! And, FYI, if I want an "emotional" Bond, I'll just rewatch On Her Majesty's Secret Service starring George Lazenby (precisely!). A sidenote: My favorite James Bond would have to be Roger Moore who, ironically enough, was named "worst" James Bond in an Internet poll. Go figure!

AN ODE TO THE LORD OF THE RINGS

 

 

 

Here's the "plot" to the Lord Of The Rings trilogy in a nutshell: Two Vulcan-looking midgets, uh, I mean, dwarfs go traipsing through the woods carrying this "magic" ring being led by a walking/talking turd-man who talks like a raspy-sounding Yoda and a "gay" wizard--well, at least the actor playing him is gay!--who looks suspiciously like the wizard in those Harry Potter movies. Of course, the entire movie--and the rather pretentious book series it's based upon--could've been over in about a few minutes if the two Vulcan-looking midgets, uh, I mean, dwarfs would've just flew in on those damn big-ass birds they flew in on at the end of the third friggin' LOTR movie to drop off said "magic" ring in that damned volcano or whatever the hell it was! Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go watch the Star Wars prequels again!

A FAREWELL TO SYLVIA KRISTEL

 

 

 

Sylvia Kristel recently passed away at the age of 60. I have been a HUGE fan of Sylvia's ever since I was a lust-starved teenager and I saw her in the eighties soft-core "classic" flick Private Lessons where she played a maid who gets in on with, shall we say, a younger gentleman (and is a flick that would be controversial even by today's far-more-lenient cinematic standards). She also starred in the movie adaptation of D.H. Lawrence's "erotic" novel Lady Chatterley's Lover--which was the 50 Shades Of Grey of it's day--and the by-now-classic soft-core "erotic" classic Emmanuelle that put her on the cinematic map and it's subsequent sequels (my own personal favorite in the Emmanuelle series is its sequel Joys Of A Woman that's about a reel or two away from an actual porno flick!). She also starred in a number of "cult" films such as the prison flick Red Heat where she rapes fellow inmate Linda Blair (yes, the little girl from The Exorcist, although she certainly WASN'T a "little girl" in this flick!). Although Sylvia was best known as being one of the first "adult" film stars, at least one of the better known ones (Linda Lovelace, are you listening?), she was still one of the more underrated actresses who wasn't afraid to show a little skin now and then (well, maybe NOT so little, if you know what I mean, and I'm, of course, sure that you do, you pervs!)!   

TWILIGHT

 

 

 

Twilight is a flick based on a book written by some Mormon woman about a "sparkly" vampire who has the hots for an average-looking chick but said vampire won't have sex with her--since, of course, it was written by some Mormon woman--and he won't drink blood. Frankly, I think this flick would SUCK (pardon the pun!) if said "sparkly" vampire had the hots for Megan Fox! (And that really says a lot given how many suckey films she's been in! Transformers, anyone?)

CAST AWAY

 

 

 

To be honest, I've never actually watched this film since spending a couple of hours or whatever watching a half-naked Tom Hanks on a deserted island talking to a painted-up volleyball just doesn't appeal to me. I mean, at least in other deserted island flicks, there's usually a hot half-naked and/or fully-naked chick to gaze upon (e.g. the other Castaway flick), but I guess Tom "Bachelor Party" Hanks is TOO much of a "respected" actor to star in such a sleazy flick, you know? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch Tom's slobbering dog movie!  

CASTAWAY

 

 

 

 

To be honest, about the only thing I remember about this flick is that actrress Amanda Donohoe is naked throughout the film. 'Nuff said!

FLESH GORDON

 

 

 

There's two words that best describes this, uh-hum, parody of the classic eighties schlockfest Flash Gordon: Rapist Robots. And, oh yeah, Queen most definitely didn't do the music for this film!

ASTRO BOY

 

 

 

To tell the truth, I would've watched this film, but I prefer MY superheroes NOT to look like shirtless little boys, you know what I mean (and I'm, of course, certain that you do!)?