TARZAN, THE APE MAN

"Unlike any other 'Tarzan' you've ever seen!" So reads the tagline from this 1981 cinematic offering of Tarzan. And you know something? It is unlike any other Tarzan flick you've EVER seen! Tarzan, the Ape Man stars eighties sex icon Bo Derek as Jane and noted B-movie actor Miles O'Keefe who actually made his, um, acting debut in this film as a silent Lord of the Apes (except when he's lip-synching Tarzan's signature yell) after the original actor cast in the role of Tarzan was either fired or quit and Miles, who was initially the actor's stunt double, was immediately cast in the role, which, of course, may explain why he's so silent. Of course, moviegoers--in particular those of the female (or homosexual) persuation--probably won't notice as he's nearly naked throughout the film save for Tarzan's, uh-hum, signature loincloth. Likewise, Bo Derek--whose biggest "hit" movie is arguably the late Dudley Moore vehicle 10 which was released before Tarzan--shows filmgoers her, shall we say, goodies like she has in practically every damn film she's ever starred in. But what keeps this film, which Bo actually produced and her husband the late John Derek directed, from being just mere T & A schlock is actor the late Richard Harris--who more than likely pulled a Richard Burton (in that he more than likely did this film for a paycheck)--who gives what has got to be one of the most over-the-top performances ever to be captured on celluloid as Jane's adventure-seeking estranged father. The scenery in the movie is also pretty (and, no, I'm NOT talking about the rampant nudity!) as the film was shot in Sri Lanka and some other "exotic" locale I've never heard of before and you've probably never heard of so I won't bother to mention it here, though the film is supposed to take place in West Africa. Anyway, as you can probably imagine, the movie was universally panned by critics when it was released--though it was a box office hit (gee, I wonder why!)--as famed movie critic Leonard Maltin derided the film as "deranged" and implied how it was one of the worst films he'd ever seen and Bo Derek "won" the award for "Worst Actress" at the aforementioned Razzies probably for delivering lines such as "They're washing me like a horse!" while she's being washed and painted while fully-nude (of course!) by the women of the primitives who capture her and her father and her father's photographer who's played by . . . aw, who the hell cares! The movie ends with Jane rollicking with Tarzan in the altogether while she's being felt up by an ape. And THIS chick's supposed to be a Republican?! Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes, which is the vastly superior Tarzan movie starring actual actor Christopher Lambert (of Highlander and Diane Lane fame) as an actual speaking Tarzan that was released a couple of years after Bo Derek's--again, shall we say--version of Tarzan was released, it most definitely AIN'T!  

BUTTERFLY

Butterfly is a 1982 film starring, uh-hum, singing star Pia Zadora. I first watched this film back when I was in sixth grade and it was like porn for me. I don't know what it is, but Pia seems to exude this raw smoldering sexuality in every shot of this movie, which also stars Stacy Keach, Orson Welles (yes, the Citizen Kane guy) and Ed McMahon (yes, the Johnny Carson and Publishers Clearing House guy). Anyway, in the film, Pia plays this sexy young woman who's in search of her birth father whom she believes is Stacy Keach whom immediately is smitten with his supposedly long-lost daughter, and I, of course, don't mean in a fatherly sort of way, if you know what I mean (and I'm, of course, sure that you do!)! Daddy Stacy does his best to keep his lustful feelings in check for his wayward (supposed) daughter until she takes a bath in the tin tub and he gets to see his (alleged) little girl in her birthday suit (and, lo, it sure is a glorious sight to behold!). Again, Keach does his darndest to reject his gal's obvious, shall we say, charms, but then she asks him to rub her back, which he does and then some when he ever-so-slowly slides his hands down her sides and cups her . . . well, you know! After feeling up his (so-called) daughter for a moment or so, he abruptly stops what he's doing to her and starts to walk off, but then Pia grabs his arm and slides it down to her . . . well, again, you know! You can probably imagine what my prepubscent body was going through when I saw THIS scene (or maybe DON'T want to imagine!)! Anyway, before you start calling me a raging pervert (that is, if you haven't called me that already!), it turns out that Stacy is NOT Pia's biological father after he is forced to kill her real father for whatever reason which he is forced to reveal in court after he and Pia get arrested for committing incestuous acts after Stacy finally gets to act on all those--again, shall we say--indecent thoughts he was thinking about her when he thought she was his actual little girl. Oh, and Pia Zadora also posed starkers for none other than Penthouse magazine during this time. Just thought you'd like to know! A sidenote: As you can probably imagine, critics were not that kind to this film. In fact, Pia "won" the awards for "Worst Actress" and "Worst New Star" at the aforementioned Razzies that year. Interestingly enough, she also happened to "win" the award for "Best Female Newcomer" at the (supposedly) respectable Golden Globes for her otherwise critically-panned role in this film, which may have had something to do with the fact that her rich-as-hell husband flew the members of Hollywood Foreign Press who vote at the GG to Las Vegas to hear Pia, uh-hum, sing. Of course, I'd award Pia's Golden Globes ANY time, if you know what I mean (and, again, I'm quite certain that you do!)!    

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

Like Bill O'Reilly, I don't like propaganda disguised as entertainment, which is what I regard THIS picture as. In this flick, Dennis Quaid (of the earlier-reviewed G.I. Joe film) plays a scientist who tries to warn everyone of the dangers of so-called global warming, and, of course, no one listens to him (or, at least, no one important). And, of course, guess what happens? That's right! A series of environmental disasters--hurricanes, tornadoes and the like--plunge the world into a new ice age. And guess who's to blame? Go on, guess! Which is made evident by the speech the U.S. President makes towards the end of film wherein he chastises everyone on their selfish lifestyle and whatnot and as the astronauts look down at the newly-frozen earth and one of them remarks how "clear" the earth looks or whatever. Uh-huh. As for a strictly disaster flick, it's not that bad of a film. But the obvious propagandizing I could've done without. Regardless of where you stand on the whole global warming issue, whether or not you feel it's man-made or if it's--for lack of a better word--normal, if I want to watch a lecture on the perils of so-called global warming, I'll just go watch Al Gore's insipid flick that was called . . . oh, who the hell cares! And, just so you know, I'm NOT much of a fan of Bill O'Reilly whom I regard as a Republican-ass-kissing D-Bag/A-Hole of the WORST kind! (Did that sound a little too personal or is it just me?)

THE BROWN BUNNY

To be honest, I've never watched this film except for the, shall we say, climatic scene in which actress Chloe Sevigny (who screwed a transvestite in the Hilary Swank vehicle Boys Don't Cry) gives a completely uncensored BJ to then-boyfriend noted--again, shall we say--eccentric actor Vincent Gallo who wrote, produced and directed this film. I believe that's ALL that needs to be said about this particular film, don't you?

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

Critics were not very kind to this fourth installment of the popular Indiana Jones franchise. There was even a South Park episode that featured Steven Spielberg and George Lucas gang-raping the character Indiana Jones copying scenes from different "rape" movies such as the earlier-reviewed Deliverance and The Accused. (Nice job, fellas!) One of the main criticisms of the film's plot is how "unrealistic" the alien angle was. Yeah, because you know the one thing those Indiana Jones' flicks are known for is their realism! Anyway, like Butters on South Park, I thought this movie wasn't that bad. Of course, it's quite obvious why it was made in the first place since Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford--who, if you don't already know by now, plays the title character--hadn't had a major blockbuster in eons. You can, of course, draw the picture for yourself. Regardless of why the film was made, I still thought it was a pretty decent piece of escapist cinematic fare. In fact, I actually liked it better than the previous Indy installment The Last Crusade with Sean Connery that I thought was rather overrated, although Raiders of the Lost Ark was by far the best one. As a matter of fact, The Crystal Skull reunites Ford with his Raiders co-star Karen Allen. The film also stars Shia Lebeouf who plays Indy's son, which I thought was a far more inexplicable plot point than the whole alien angle, but I digress. The flick also stars Cate Blanchett who stars as a Nazi in pursuit of the same treasure as Indy and his pals. I also happened to think Cate looked pretty damn hot as a Nazi. (Is that weird?) A sidenote: With regards to South Park creators Matt Parker and Trey Stone and their obvious disdain of the film, I personally felt "raped" after watching their earlier-reviewed flick Baseketball! I mean, anyone who comes out with a piece of cinematic crap like THAT is, in my oh-so-humble opinion, in no position to criticize anyone's movie, you know what I mean?  



P.S.

P.S. is a movie about a May-December romance starring Laura Linney and Topher Grace (yes, the smartmouthed kid with the Prince Valiant hairdo from That 70's Show). What I found most, shall we say, intriguing about this film is not so much the plot but the "love" scene between Laura and Topher on a couch. There's no nudity and the scene itself doesn't look like it's--again, shall we say--choreographed as other cinematic "love" scenes in other flicks. It actually looks like an actual "love" scene between two people that just happened to be filmed kind of like an amateur porn vid without all the nudity and the hardcore penetration shots. Without a doubt, this has got to be one of the most if not the most realistic "love" scenes I've probably ever seen in a film (even if it is with the smartalecky guy with the Prince Valiant hairdo from That 70's Show!).

BRIDESMAIDS

People made a big deal about this movie, saying how it's proof that women can be as "raunchy" as men in these type of films. (Strike one up for women's lib!) The film stars Melissa McCarthy (of TV's Mike & Molly fame) and Kristen Wiig (of Saturday Night Live fame) who also co-wrote the film, which is about a bride-to-be--played by Maya Rudolph (also of SNL fame)--and her bridesmaids--played by, of course, Melissa and Kristen--who suffer a series of rather hilarious misfortunes whilst preparing for the upcoming nuptials. Of course, there's another type of movie where women can be as "raunchy" as men. It's called PORN!  

THE DARK KNIGHT

Sorry, fanboys, but I'm not as much of a "fan" of this movie as a lot of other people obviously are. Frankly, after watching it, I just couldn't see what the big deal was about this film. I mean, it wasn't a bad movie, but, like with the earlier-reviewed The Terminator, I was left a little disappointed that it didn't live up to expectations. This movie, for those few of you who haven't watched it yet, is the sequel to the film Batman Begins (which, in my oh-so-humble opinion, was the better Christian Bale Batman film). In this film, Batman battles both The Joker--played by the late Heath Ledger who died before the release of this film--and Two-Face whom The Joker, shall we say, creates. Everyone made a big deal about Heath Ledger's performance as The Joker, but I can't help but wonder if people would've still made as big a deal out of his performance had he not died so unexpectantly (of a reported drug overdose). Now, don't get me wrong, he did a fine job as The Joker, but I'm more of a fan of Jack Nicholson's version of The Joker in noted--again, shall we say--eccentric film director Tim Burton's first Batman flick back in the late-eighties with Michael Keaton as Batman as it was more in line with the comic book, uh, I mean, graphic novel version of The Joker. As for noted hothead actor Christian Bale's version of Batman, he sounds like the white version of Miles Davis, for Pete's sake! A sidenote: As--there again, shall we say--disappointed as I was with this film, I'm kind of looking forward to the next Christian Bale Batman film--reportedly called The Dark Knight Rises--particularly because it stars Anne Hathaway as the latest cinematic version of Catwoman (as, of course, I mentioned before). Meow! 

SLEEPWALKERS



Sleepwalkers, which is also known as Stephen King's Sleepwalkers (since, of course, it's based on his original screenplay), is about a mother and son "sleepwalkers" who are these, according to Wikipedia, "shapeshifting energy vampires" who pretty much survive by sucking the lifeforce out of young virgin women. Alice Krige (of Star Trek: First Contact fame) and Brian Krause (of Charmed fame) play the mother and son and actress Madchen Amick plays the young virginal woman whom the pair has their sights set on. However, there's just one small thing that's keeping them from sucking the young sexy lifeforce out of Miss Amick: cats. Yes, you heard right, cats are the main enemy of these so-called sleepwalkers, which is why they keep traps set out for them around their house to catch them and, of course, kill them. I won't tell you how the movie ends except that it involves lots of, er, pussy. Oh, and did I mention the mother and son "sleepwalkers" also boink each other? So if you're into rather crazy-ass horror flicks about incestuous shapeshifters or aliens or whatever the hell they are, then this could be the flick for YOU! Oh yeah, Stephen King (the pervert!) also has a rather brief cameo as a cemtary caretaker in the film. Just thought you'd like to know!    

CATHERINE'S PAIN

Catherine's Pain is a revamped version of an earlier flick titled--and, no, I'm NOT making this up--Rape Is a Circle directed by "indie" film director Bill Zebub--and I'm quite certain that's NOT his Christian name!--whose, shall we say, speciality is movies that center on brutal rape with titles such as--and, again, I'm NOT making this up--Frankenstein the Rapist, Forgive Me For Raping You, Antfarm Dickhole and the soon-to-be-classic Jesus Christ Serial Rapist. It probably goes without saying that Mr. Zebub's movies are for a--again, shall we say--specialized audience. And let me just say that I'm NOT among that "specialized" audience since, as anyone who's read some of my earlier reviews knows, I'm NOT much of a "fan" of these type of films. However, I did watch this one because it's rare that we see the woman-as-aggressor as we see in this film, which is about a hot-looking blonde chick who offers a ride to a couple of other chicks she spots walking down the street and she brings them to her house where she proceeds to--do I really need to say this?--rape and torture them. I'll, of course, spare you the rather gory details of what happens. If you have the stomach for it, you can watch and see for yourself, all right? A sidenote: What's perhaps the most mind-blowing thing about this film is the "extras" where it shows behind-the-scenes footage of the filming of this movie where it showed the blonde chick "rapist" saying the most graphic things to her "victims" and then she'll flub up her lines and they all have one big laugh about it. I really don't know what else to say about this except: Happy Valentine's Day!

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

The Last On the Left is the directorial debut of noted horror director Wes Craven (of A Nightmare On Elm Street and Scream fame) that was released back in the early-seventies. This movie was reportedly banned in three or four countries when it was released, and, after watching it, I can easily see WHY! To me, this movie is similar to Hostel II, which I, of course, reviewed earlier, and is far more brutal. The story is reportedly based on a true story about two young women who get abducted by this brutal gang of prison escapees who end up raping and torturing and brutalizing the women beyond imagination in the woods behind one of the women's parents' house (hence the title of the movie). Once the thugs get done, for lack of a better word, disposing of the young women, they seek refuge in the house of the one girl's parents' house and the parents take them in not knowing what they had just done to their daughter and her friend. Then the parents happen to overhear the thugs boasting about the evil brutality they had heaped upon their daughter and her friend and they seek their revenge which is just as brutal--and perhaps even more so--than the brutality they had committed against their daughter and her friend. And you'll, of course, have to watch the movie to see the "brutality" I'm talking about (if, of coures, you've got the stomach for it!). A sidenote: There was actually a remake of this film released a couple years back that was produced by Wes Craven himself. Since you couldn't pay me enough money to watch the first film again, I won't be seeing (or reviewing!) the inexplicable remake anytime soon!

G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA

G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is, in case you haven't already figured it out, the movie based on the cartoon series and the toy line of the same name. I actually liked this movie better than I thought I would given that it was a film based on a cartoon series and a toy line (and stars one of the Wayans brothers to boot). The story tells the origins of a "secret" military outfit called--you guessed it!--G.I. Joe and their main arch-enemy, which is, of course, the terrorist outfit called Cobra. That's pretty much all you really need to know about the general plot. My favorite character in the film is the "good guy" Snake Eyes (played by martial artist Ray Park who is perhaps best known as the double-lightsaber wielding Darth Maul in the first Star Wars prequel The Phantom Menace) who is a mysterious ninja-esque character who is always dressed in black from head-to-toe and has taken a vow of silence after his master is killed by his adopted "brother" Shadow Hunter when they were both children. My other favorite character is known as The Baroness who used to be the fiance to one of the G.I. Joe's Duke before she turns to evil (Star Wars reference!) and is played by the ultra hot British actress Sienna Miller who adopts an American accent and a sexy black wig (well, I assume it's a wig!). There's even a rather hot fight scene between The Baroness and the female G.I. Joe Scarlett played by the other ultra hot actress Rachel Nichols. So, if you're experiencing a rather slow night and are in need of some mindless mostly forgettable entertainment, you could do worse than G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra. Oh yeah, this flick also stars noted actor Dennis Quaid (of Meg Ryan fame) who plays head G.I. Joe General Hawk. Just thought you'd like to know!  

HANNIE CAULDER

Hannie Caulder is a western released back during the early-seventies that stars Raquel Welch as the title character who seeks revenge after her husband is brutally murdered and she is savagely gang-raped by three ruthless brothers (the lead brother played by Ernest Borgnine). Hannie seeks the help of an aging gunfighter she meets up with played by Robert Culp who reluctantly agrees to teach her how to properly shoot a gun while, at the same time, he tries to discourage her from her vengeance quest.  Then, when one of the brothers ends up killing Robert's character whom Hannie has grown attached, Caulder unleashes holy hell on the three brothers until (spoiler alert!) they're all gunned down one-by-one by her, the last one being killed is Ernest Borgnine's character. Hannie Caulder isn't your cookie-cutter Western (John Wayne, are you listening?) and also shows that Raquel Welch is not so underrated an actress as some critics have accused her of being. The best line in the movie comes from Raquel as, after she collects the bounty on one of the brothers she's just gunned down, she starts to walk away when the sheriff says to her, "You're a hard woman, Hannie Caulder." Then Raquel stops and turns back to the sheriff and says, "There are no hard women, sheriff. Just weak men!" You go, girl!

DEATH PROOF

Death Proof is a film directed by noted director Quentin Tarantino (of Pulp Fiction fame) and is the first  film of a "double feature" called Grindhouse along with another film called Planet Terror (which I may review at a later date) directed by another noted director Robert Rodriquez (of Spy Kids fame). The film stars Kurt Russell (of Goldie Hawn fame) who plays a homicidal stuntman who calls himself Stuntman Mike who uses his "death proof" car to savagely kill women. The first part of the film is rather boring save for a couple of rather gory scenes where he kills a handful of girls he chatted up at a bar. And when I say he chatted them up, I mean he REALLY chatted them up! In fact, a good chunk of this film features the characters talking. In my oh-so-humble opinion, the film doesn't get REALLY good until about the last 30 minutes when Stuntman Mike gets into a high-speed car chase with these three women who are joyriding in a souped-up sports car with one of them riding atop the hood of the car. He ends up running them off the road and taunts them a little. Big mistake! One of them shoots him in the shoulder and he quickly speeds off as the woman keeps shooting at him. The three women regroup and wind up chasing his ass until they wind up running him off the road and, after dragging his screaming ass out of the car, they wind up literally pummeling him to the ground and then, as the credits start to roll, one of the women (played by resident hottie Rosario Dawson) offers up the killing blow by driving her heel right into the middle of his face. Ouch! A sidenote: Grindhouse is Quentin and Robert's homage to so-called "grindhouse" films of the seventies that would usually show late night at these rather sleazy moviehouses and two or three movies would play in a row. These movies were usually B-movie horror flicks and flicks of a "erotic" nature. Apparently not ALL moviegoers got that. For instance, while Quentin was on one talk show while out promoting the film, he said that he was actually watching the film in a "regular" movie theater to kind of gauge the audience's reaction and he said how this one guy stood up after his film was over and, instead of waiting around for Robert's film, he walked up to Quentin, congratulated him for his film while shaking his hand and then walked out of the movie theater altogether. But, then again, what MORE can you expect from moviegoers raised on remakes of Alvin & The Chipmunks and The Smurfs? 

AN ODE TO "GREEN PORNO"

Educational AND fucked up, Green Porno is a series of short films produced and directed by award-winning actress Isabella Rosselini (who was, of course, naked in noted weirdo director David Lynch's "cult" flick Blue Velvet) exclusively for Robert Redford's the Sundance Channel and features Isabella--sometimes "acting" with her own children!--dressed in these skintight insect costumes describing and acting out various mating rituals of insects along with various other animals. You know, I thought about saying more about this, but even THIS is just too damn whacky for me to comment on!

THE RING

The Ring stars ultra hot actress Naomi Watts, and that's about the ONLY thing I can recommend about this asinine flick. And this flick was an actual box office hit! The movie, for those of you who haven't had the, uh-hum, pleasure of seeing it, is about a reporter (played by Watts) who comes across this--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--haunted videotape that is supposed to--and, again, I'm NOT making this up!--kill whoever watches it within about a week after watching it. Even after people in her life whom she shows the tape to begin dying off mysteriously and horribly, Watts keeps showing people the damn tape! We actually get to see what's on the tape once or twice, and it looks like some artsy-fartsy short film you might see on the Sundance channel. And, what was even worse, just when you thought the film was finally--mercifully--over, it went on for about another thirty rather grueling minutes! I watched this film with a friend of mine and he was actually scared out of his wits while I was sitting there watching this drivel thinking how glad I was going to be when it was finally--mercifully!--over. The main problem I had with this film is its basic plot. I mean, if this tape was so evil and capable of actually offing people who see it, here's a rather simple solution: JUST RIP OUT THE DAMN TAPE!!!! Simple, ain't it? And, just for the sheer hell of it, here are some unusual "haunted" items that they can make a future horror flick out of: a haunted toilet, a haunted dildo, a haunted barf bag, or how about a haunted gay bar? I'm sure they would make a much more entertaining horror film than one about a friggin "haunted" videotape! Hell, about the scariest thing about this stupid flick was the creepy-looking grey girl who crawls out of the TV at one point. Wouldn't you agree? A sidenote: This movie was a remake of a Japanese horror film of the same name, which was reportedly one of the highest if not the highest-grossing film in Japanese cinematic history. I haven't yet watched the Japanese version of this asinine flick, but I sincerely hope that it's far more superior than the asinine U.S. remake! Oh yeah, you're probably wondering why I used the movie poster of the film's inexplicable sequel rather than the original film for this review. The answer is simple: IT'S BECAUSE THEY MADE A SEQUEL TO THIS DUMBASS FLICK!!!! Again, simple, ain't it? 

THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS & DOGS

As you may already know, I'm not much of a fan of so-called romantic comedies. However, this film is an exception. The flick stars comedienne-turned-actress (or is it actress-turned-comedienne?) Janeane Garofalo and ultra hot actress Uma Thurman as two friends who have the hots for the same guy. Now you might be thinking at this point that this sounds like typical "romantic comedy" fare and, normally, you'd be right. However, there's a twist: Janeane's character has Uma's character pretend to be her because she doesn't think the guy--played by who-the-hell-cares!--would be interested in her if he knew what she truly looked like. And the reason why he doesn't know what she looks like is because Janeane's character hosts her own radio call-in show about--you guessed it!--cats & dogs and the guy-in-question calls in with a question about his dog (and, no, that's NOT a sexual metaphor!). They agree to meet and Janeane's character persuades Uma's character to portray her and things get, well, complicated. And, of course, you'll have to see the film to see what I'm talking about! And, sorry fellas, but there's absolutely NO nudity in this film on Uma Thurman's part (for that, you have to see Dangerous Liaisons to see a shot of Uma's bodacious ta-tas!). 



THE TEN

The Ten is one of the most absolutely fucked-up flicks I've probably ever seen. The movie satirizes The Ten Commandments with a vignette of each Ten Commandment. My own personal favorite is the one with noted kleptomaniac Winona Ryder in the "Thou Shalt Not Steal" parody where she has an affair on her husband with--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--a ventriloquist dummy she stole from the ventriloquist. And, yes, there's even a--and, again, I'm NOT making this up!--sex scene between Klepto Winona and said ventriloquist dummy (right after she tells the dummy how she "rubbed one off" while thinking of him!), which is rather odd (besides the obvious reasons!) since the only sex scene that I remember Winona, uh, doing is with Dennis Quaid in the Jerry Lee Lewis biopic Great Balls Of Fire where she kept her bra on (damn it!). Of course, she shows no nudity in this, uh, "love" scene (again, damn it!). Man, has her career come a long way since her, uh, incident. Anyway, going back to the film, watch it with a Sarah Palin supporter or a Jehovah's Witness or the fundamentalist freak in your life! Trust me, they'll be glad you did!

DUANE HOPWOOD

To be completely honest with you, I have never watched this movie and know absolutely nothing about its plot. So why am I "reviewing" it here if I've never even seen it? Because, quite frankly, I think Janeane Garofalo looks totally hot in the cover photo above. Any questions? (By the way, the guy she's snuggling up with is noted whiny Friends star David Schwimmer, just in case you were wondering, which, of course, I'm sure you were!)