MAX PAYNE

 

Max Payne is a movie loosely based on the video game of the same name and stars rapper-turned-underwear-model-turned-actor Mark Wahlberg as the title character. In the film, Max Payne is a cop in search of his family's murderers and winds up stepping on a lot of toes in the process. Along the way, he joins forces with a female assassin named Mona played by Mila Kunis (of That '70 Shows and Family Guy fame) in search of not only the killer of Max's family but of Mona's sister who was seemingly murdered by the same person (and I say "seemingly" because that point gets rather murky, at least for me, while watching this flick). There's also seemingly a supernatural bent to the film with the appearance of demon-like creatures who are referred to as Valkyries even though Valkyries are female figures who decide which fallen warriors go to the sacred place of Valhalla where hallowed warriors go after they die. Anyway, even said supernatural bent is put into question later on in the film when the viewer is apparently made to wonder if the demon-like creatures are real or just drug-induced hallucinations. Anyway, as you've probably already figured out by now, the plot is hardly anything new as it's something moviegoers have seen countless times before: loner cop seeks vengeance for his murdered family. The Mila Kunis assassin character isn't fleshed out enough for my taste as she's not in very much of the film and is seemingly pretty much there to provide the obligatory eye candy, though she's in the film about as much as Bill O'Reilly's favorite rapper Ludacris who plays an internal affairs officer who investigates Payne when his former partner is murdered. And the Matrix-style special effects--even though Max Payne was released about ten years after the rather overrated Matrix flick came out--really doesn't help to the overall ambience of the film. In short, Max Payne is certainly not the greatest action film ever released, though it's certainly not the worst I've seen either. The shootout scenes are pretty decent and are sure to satisfy even the most hardcore action flick fan (even with the Matrix-esque special effects). I suggest watching this flick on a slow night when there's nothing else "good" on. As for how the film differs from the game, since I'm not much of a gamer myself, I can't say, so don't ask! A sidenote: I would suggest waiting for the credits to end as it helps tell a crucial part of the film--at least for me--as to what happened to Mila's character as that question is left open during the film as she goes to aid Max in his final shootout with his family's actual murderer--and I, of course, won't reveal who that is--and whether or not she lives. I didn't wait till the end credits were over and I was left wondering if her character survived or not (and I, of course, won't reveal that either). 

AN ODE TO JOAN SEVERANCE

Joan Severance is a model-turned-actress perhaps best known for her role in the TV series Wiseguy and in movies such as the Roger Corman superhero flick Black Scorpion along with its sequel and in the Richard Pryor/Gene Wilder vehicle See No Evil, Hear No Evil and she even co-starred with noted-pro-wrestler-turned-"reality"-TV-star Hulk Hogan in one of his forays into cinema No Holds Barred (and what a "foray" THAT was!). Joan is also known to other movie fans as being the "star" of a number of late-night-cable/straight-to-video "erotic thrillers" with pretty much generic "erotic thriller" names such as Criminal Passion, Illicit Behavior, Hard Evidence, you get the picture. She also appeared--mostly starkers--in more "upscale" soft-core entertainment such as Lake Consequence and the Showtime "erotic" series Red Shoe Diaries--which was the 50 Shades Of Grey of its day--that aired during much of the nineties and was produced by Playboy, which is rather fitting since Joan posed for PB two--count 'em!--TWO times (the second time was much hotter than the first time, in my oh-so-humble opinion!). As far as her acting skills are concerned, Joan is actually not a bad actress. In fact, she's pretty damn good, if I do say so myself (and I'm sure my opinion would mean A LOT to her!). And the fact that she's appeared--mostly starkers--in a number of "erotic thrillers" shouldn't detract from her talent in ANY way, shape or form (again, in my oh-so-humble opinion!). And, just in case you were wondering (and I'm sure that you were!), Joan DID in fact appear "starkers" in See No Evil, Hear No Evil during a shower scene with none other than Gene Wilder (boy, I bet he hated to do THAT scene!).

SHEENA

 

Sheena is a 1984 flick starring the "uber" hot Tanya Roberts (of Charlie's Angels and That '70s show fame) as the titular (pardon the pun!) title character. The movie is based the comic book character of the same name that dates back all the way to the late-thirties. The character has also been featured in TV shows, including one from the mid-fifties starring Irish McCalla (yes, THAT Irish McCalla!) and one from some years back starring "uber" hot Gena Lee Nolin (yes, THAT Gena Lee Nolin!). Anyway, the plot to the film is basically this: orphaned white girl is rescued and raised by an African tribe and learns to talk to animals who turns into a hot chick and winds up killing a bunch of evil white guys who try to mess around in her jungle with the help of another white guy she meets and eventually falls in love with. Got it? But the real reason to watch this flick--which, though it was released as a "mainstream" flick, was akin to B-movie-esque schlock--is to see Tanya Roberts parading around in a skimpy outfit who shows film-watchers everything--and I do mean EVERYTHING--she's got, if you know what I mean (and I'm sure you do, you pervs!)! And this movie, in spite of Tanya's nudie scenes, was actually rated PG. Go figure! Oh yeah, Tanya Roberts was "nominated" for "Worst Actress" for this flick by the notorious Razzie Awards. But, really, who the hell cares how "bad" her acting is in this flick? SHE'S BUCK-ASS NAKED!!!! And, when she's not buck-ass naked, she's at least half-naked. If THAT doesn't convince you to watch this flick, I don't know WHAT will! (You pervs!)   

AN ODE TO CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN

 

Claudia Christian is an actress who also dabbles in singing and directing. Claudia has starred in films such as Hexed and The Hidden. She's perhaps best known for her role in the sci-fi TV series Babylon 5. Claudia is without a doubt one of my favorite actresses, though she's certainly not a household name like, say, Meryl Streep or (Heaven forbid!) Gwyneth Paltrow. Claudia undoubtedly upped her celebrity status by appearing starkers in the October 1999 issue of--where else!--Playboy after she had left the series Babylon 5 (and, with me, she "upped" something else, if you know what I mean, which, of course, I'm sure you do!). I personally feel that Claudia Christian is one of the more underrated actresses around, and I also feel that if looked more like, say, Angelina Jolie she'd more than likely be more famous, though she is undeniably sexy (just look at her Playboy pics if you need MORE proof of Claudia's undeniable sexiness!). She even started her very own sci-fi convention in the UK in 2011 called Claudia Con after seeing how "mistreated" fans tended to be at other sci-fi conventions she attended. So, if you get the chance to see Claudia Christian's work, do yourself a favor and take the time and watch it. Trust me, you WON'T be disappointed!  

THE REAL ROCKY

 

The Real Rocky is a documentary about noted "white" boxer Chuck Wepner. Wepner, who also went by the nickname The Bayonne Bleeder during his boxing career (and I think you can easily see why from the above poster), has two claims to fame: One, he was one of the few people to knock down Muhammad Ali during their fight (although Ali, in typical Ali fashion, claimed afterwards how Chuck had stepped on his foot and that's the reason why he feel down), and two, Sylvester Stallone claimed numerous times how Wepner was the inspiration for his Rocky character after seeing his fight with Ali (although he would later deny it when Chuck sued him, which I'll get into in a bit). The documentary features clips from not only the Ali fight but from other fights with Wepner, including one he did with noted pro-wrestling legend the late Andre The Giant (which also reportedly served as the inspiration for the Rocky character's "fight" with Hulk Hogan in the third Rocky film, which Stallone would also later deny even though, if you watch both fights, the similarities are pretty obvious). It also features interviews with Wepner himself who muses about his career and his various trials & tribulations, including when he sued Sylvester Stallone for blatantly profiting from his likeness without giving him a cut (which is legally called right to publicity, which allows a public figure to control his or her likeness and how said likeness will be used). Stallone had even written a part for Chuck for his second Rocky film, according to Wepner, which, after he had auditioned with Sylvester, the part was inexplicably cut out of the film altogether. Chuck also discusses his fight with Muhammad Ali. What was kind of eyebrow-raising for me about what he says about his fight with Ali--though not really surprising--was when they were doing publicity for the fight and they appeared on one talk show and, according to Wepner, Ali approached him before the show and "encouraged" him to call him The N Word  during the show in order to cause controversy and "pump up" the fight. When Wepner refused, citing his "black" friendships and his sparring partners who were African-American, Ali went on the show and told the host how Chuck had called him--you guessed it!--The N Word along with other racial epithets. What got to me about this was that Ali fashioned himself as some sort of civil rights icon and here he goes, at least if you believe Wepner's account of what happened, and actually tries to "encourage" a white guy to call him The N Word (which Chuck actually uses himself while discussing the incident, so there you go). I admit, I'm not the biggest sports fan, though boxing is an exception, at least a minor one, and The Real Rocky would certainly be an interesting film for fans of the sport. A footnote: Another thing that got to me about the documentary was how it stated at the end of the film how Sylvester Stallone was actually inducted into the Boxing Hall Of Fame while Chuck Wepner, who was at one time ranked 8th best boxer in the world, has never been. Go figure!  

A VERY STRONG FU TO KIRK CAMERON!

I mean, who wouldn't want to take spiritual advice from THIS guy?

 

Kirk Cameron became a household name on the eighties TV sitcom Growing Pains. It was on the show that Kirk claims to have become a “born-again Christian,” and he quickly gained a reputation of imposing his newfound religious beliefs on cast and crew; like, for instance, he reportedly got his co-star Julie McCullough fired from the show because she was once a Playboy Playmate and he reportedly denounced the show’s producers as being “pornographers” when they wanted his character to start sleeping around. After the show was cancelled, Kirk went from imposing his religious beliefs on his show to imposing said beliefs on the rest of America as he now hosts the show The Way Of The Master with a New Zealander “brother-in-Christ” named Ray Comfort (and, as you’re about to see, that’s an ironic name if there ever was one!). On the show, both Kirk & Ray accost unsuspecting passersby on the street, sometimes bribing them with counterfeit $1 million bills that they themselves have printed, which Kirk & Ray do even though it has reportedly caught the attention of the Secret Service and even though it states in the Bible how one has to (my paraphrasing) provide for “honest” things both in the sight of the Lord & of men, where they usually denounce them as blasphemous sinners—or “criminals against God,” as Ray has kindly referred to them—worthy of an eternity in you-know-where. Picture a cross between Billy Graham and Jerry Springer and you’ll get an idea of what the show is like. Kirk & Ray do this kind of preaching-by-condemnation (which has led to them being physically assaulted, in particular Comfort who seems to be the more abrasive of the two) even though Jesus—or The Master—states in the Bible (again, my paraphrasing) “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” When they’re not out on the street “casting stones” against the infidels and the non-believers, Cameron/Comfort do other really moronic things on their show; like, for instance, when Ray attempted to—and, no, I’m not making this up!—buy a plane ticket for an ape in an attempt to somehow disprove Darwin’s theory of evolution, which is, of course, akin to someone trying to see if a man could actually survive for three whole days inside the belly of a whale—or, technically, a “big fish”—the way that biblical hero Jonah (supposedly) did (and don’t get me started on that whole Noah’s Ark thing!)! But Kirk & Ray, like so many TV moralists who are quick to condemn others for their supposed sins while painting themselves up to be the most “godly” of men and, of course, make a quick buck while doing so (Jim Bakker, are you listening?), generally don’t practice what they themselves preach. For instance, the Christian Counterfeiters are apparently so busy denouncing others as liars & adulterers & thieves and whatnot that they’ve forgotten what it says in the Bible on this very subject that (there again, my paraphrasing) God is the only one with the authority to judge and certainly not some sanctimonious former A-Hole child star and another holier-than-thou A-Hole whom no one had ever heard of before, of course, hooking up with the former Mike Seaver [sic]. It’s like Mark Twain himself said of these Religiosos: “Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.” Amen! Oh yeah, Kirk Cameron has also had some success by starring in a number of "Christian"-themed movies such as the series of films based on the popular "Left Behind" books and had a surprise hit with a film called Fireproof where Kirk plays a "Christian" fireman (that's why I've posted about him on my movie blog, for those of you who are curious). A sidenote: Kirk Cameron get into trouble a little while ago when he went on noted British D-Bag Piers Morgan's talk show and said how he thought homosexuality was--surprise!--amoral and whatnot. A number of Kirk's fellow celebs--including a couple of his co-stars from his old TV show--were quick to condemn him for his "homophobic" remarks. But, what I'd like to know is, why in the blessed hell was anyone surprised by what Mr. Cameron said about homosexuals? And, more importantly, WHAT IN THE BLESSED FUCK SHOULD WE CARE?! Just wondering! And, oh yeah, both Kirk & Ray had a televised debate with a couple of self-described atheists--of which you can find clips of on YouTube, by the way--that aired on Nightline and was "moderated" by that other noted D-Bag Martin Brashear [sic] and Kirk & Ray got their blessed butts kicked. Just thought you'd like to know!

THE PEOPLE VS. LARRY FLYNT

 

The People vs. Larry Flynt is the controversial biopic about controversial Hustler publisher Larry Flynt. The movie was directed by celebrated movie director Milos Forman (who also directed the classic film One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest) and produced by Oliver Stone (yes, THAT Oliver Stone!). Woody Harrelson (of Cheers fame) plays Larry Flynt and Courtney Love (yes, THAT Courtney Love!) plays Flynt's doomed drug-addicted bisexual wife Althea. The movie depicts Flynt's career as a self-proclaimed smut peddler and his various trials and tribulations, including the assassination attempt that left him not only confined to a wheelchair but also hooked on paid meds for a time until he undergoes surgery that leaves him no longer needing paid medication. A decent chunk of the film also focuses on Larry's sometimes tumultuous relationship with wife Althea--who also helped him run his company--who contracted AIDS due to her own drug addiction. (Althea, as depicted in the film, drowned in the bathtub.) The movie also focuses on Flynt's numerous "obscenity" trials such as his by-now-infamous trial in Cincinnati that led to his incarceration (which features none other than Larry himself in a cameo as the judge who seems to have it in for Larry, or, rather, the cinematic version thereof) and the one where he showed up to court dressed in a diaper. Of course, the trial that he's most noted for--and the one he seemingly keeps bringing up every chance he gets!--is the one where the late televangelist Jerry Falwell actually sued him for "libel" after Flynt published a "parody" ad in Hustler featuring Jerry "discussing" his first time having sex in an outhouse with his very own mother. After initially losing that trial (and ordered to pay a couple thousand bucks in "damages" to Falwell), Flynt takes the case all the way to the Supreme Court and--of course!--wins, thus insuring Jon Stewart and a whole slew of other A-Holes, uh, I mean, commentators work for years to, er, come! Anyway, one small complaint I do have about this film is that it does at times try to have it both ways in that it simultaneously tries to prop Larry Flynt up as a free-speech hero, which was one of the numerous criticisms lobbied against it from the usual suspects (right-wingers, "radical" feminists, etc., etc.), while at the same time portraying him as a "scumbag" as Harrelson's Flynt describes himself to reporters in one scene. However, love him or hate him, one CAN'T deny that Larry Flynt has lived some type of life and is most definitely one unique character as this film clearly depicts! Oh yeah, this film also stars Edward Norton as Flynt's rather insufferable lawyer Alan Isaccman and Harrelson's own brother Brett as Larry's real-life brother Jimmy. This movie, in spite of its controversy, was also nominated for--and even won--a slew of awards, including one or two Oscars. Not bad for a self-proclaimed smut peddler/scumbag!

TALK TO ME

Talk To Me is a biopic depicting the life and career of the late Petey Greene who was an ex-convict-turned-radio-and-TV-personality based in Washington D.C. who was known for NOT shying away from controversy as the film clearly depicts. Noted actor Don Cheadle (of Hotel Rwanda and Iron Man 2 fame) plays Greene. The film begins with the by-now-infamous incident while Greene was incarcerated for armed robbery when he had a fellow inmate climb up the prison water tower and threaten to commit suicide so he could talk him down and gain "influence" with the parole board, which apparently worked as he was paroled a week later. The movie, of course, goes on to recount Greene's life and career and his relationships, especially with his friend and manager Dewey Hughes (played by an actor whose I can't pronounce and won't even try!). However, like with many--or most--other biopics, this flick does take at least a few liberties with said life and/or career; like, for instance, the movie depicts him having a rather shaky appearance on The Tonight Show (back when, of course, Johnny Carson was the host) even though in real life Greene just blew off the appearance altogether. All in all, Talk To Me is a pretty decent biopic with a strong performance by the always capable Cheadle as Greene (although Don and Petey didn't really look alike even with the wig!). Oh yeah, make sure NOT to confuse this film with an earlier film called Listen To Me, which starred former child actor turned "evangelical" whack-a-do Kirk "Growing Pains" Cameron. OK? A sidenote: One thing the film definitely doesn't depict was when noted shock jock Howard Stern went on Petey Greene's TV show dressed in--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--BLACKFACE (of which you can find on YouTube, by the way). Another thing the flick doesn't depict was when Petey went on his TV talk show eating a watermelon (of which you can also find on YouTube, by the way).

LOOPER

Looper stars Bruce Willis and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in what's got to be the most interesting--and rather confusing--flick I've seen in a while. First of all, Willis and Levitt both play the same man in the film. Levitt is a Looper, which is basically a "futuristic" hit man for the mob in that he kills whoever the mob from the future sends back in time for him to kill. Are you with me so far? In the future time travel is invented and then outlawed shortly thereafter. However, as expected, it's still in use by the criminal element, in particular a mysterious powerful mob boss known only as The Rainmaker who wants all Loopers killed. When a Looper's services are no longer needed, they get abducted in the future and then get sent back in time where they're killed by their younger selves. The Loopers know their services are no longer needed when they realize the person they just killed is indeed an older version of themselves. After being paid off in gold bars (when they're usually paid in silver bars) that are strapped to their older selves's backs, they're allowed to live another 30 years before their abduction and subsequent execution, Again, are you with me so far? Anyway, Hewitt's execution of himself doesn't go well and Willis manages to escape where he plans to find the then-still-young future Rainmaker and kill him to keep his future wife--who gets shot and killed during his abduction--safe and alive. Along the way, Hewitt hides out from his former employers at this farmhouse--who apparently don't take too kindly to Loopers who don't manage to off their future selves--where a woman--played by Emily Blunt--lives with her "son" who turns out to be--spoiler alert!--the future Rainmaker. Oh, did I mention that the young future Rainmaker is a powerful telekinetic of which at least a portion of the population possesses at least some form of telekinesis, including the future Rainmaker's "mother"? There again, are you with me so far? As one might expect with a rather weird-ass flick like this, there is a twist ending of which I won't spoil for you here. Looper would be an interesting flick for anyone who is interested is watching a, shall we say, different type of sci-fi flick. Oh yeah, one more thing you should know about this flick is that "uber" hot actress Piper Perabo (of Coyote Ugly fame) shows her ta-tas (notice I didn't say bodacious!) in a nudie scene with Joseph (who, thank the stars, doesn't show anything himself!). Just thought you'd like to know!

TALK RADIO

Talk Radio is a film directed by noted "political"--though some would so nutso!--director Oliver Stone and starring comedian-turned-actor Eric Bogosian (who also co-wrote the script). The film was based on Bogosian's play of the same name which was loosely based on the life and career of controversial radio talk show host Alan Berg who was eventually assassinated at the hands of a "white nationalist" group called The Order. In the film, Eric plays an Alan Berg-esque radio talk show host named Barry Champlain who's as big a bastard off-the-air as he is on-the-air (sound familiar?). He berates callers and deliberately provokes them in a deliberate attempt to get a rise out of them (again, sound familiar?). Then during one broadcast of his show a caller really rubs Barry the wrong way and he berates ALL of his callers and/or listeners. When he leaves the station, he gets confronted by this rather creepy guy who pretends to ask for his autograph and then pulls out a gun and--spoiler alert!--shoots him dead. The movie's theme is akin to the earlier-reviewed--and arguably better-received--Andy Griffith film A Face In The Crowd. Both films deal with the subject of media manipulation by those whose opinions and "influence" people value more than perhaps they should. Bogosian gives a masterful performance as Barry Champlain, and I think it would have made a more interesting flick if he and Stone had just gone ahead with a full-on Alan Berg biopic. Still, Talk Radio would be a pretty interesting flick for those who are intrigued by those on talk radio--and on TV--who rather inexplicably wield much power and "influence" among their listeners (and viewers). A sidenote: One vocal critic of this film when it first came out was legendary radio talk show host Larry King who said how "awful" this film was and actually encouraged people not to go see it. As for Alan Berg himself, what I thought was most intriguing about him was how he was an ardent left-winger in terms of his politics whereas many--or most--of the top radio talk show hosts nowadays are ardent right-wingers like, say, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. I guess it's like the old saying goes: the more things change the MORE they stay the same!

AN ODE TO PATRICIA ARQUETTE GETTING HER ARMPIT LICKED IN "FLIRTING WITH DISASTER"

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