THE ACCUSED

Listen, if you want to see Jodie Foster being brutally gang-raped on a pinball machine in a sleazy bar for about 30 minutes, then this might just be the flick for you! Me, I think I'll just rewatch her films Nell (her acclaimed film she co-starred with Liam Neeson) and Backtrack (a lesser-known 1990 flick she starred in with the late Dennis Hopper who also directed the film under the by-now-legendary directing pseudonym Alan Smithee) where she shows us her bodacious ta-tas sans the brutally graphic gang-rape scene! And, no, Jodie's co-star in the film Debra Winger doesn't show anything in the film (for THAT you have to watch her "classic" film An Officer and a Gentleman with Richard "Mr. Gerbel" Gere!). A sidenote: One thing I've always kind of wondered about Jodie's film Nell is, if Jodie's character had truly been living out in the wild without human contact for all those years, wouldn't she be covered in hair and look rougher than shit instead of looking like, well, a Hollywood starlet as she does in the film? Just wondering!

THE HEART IS DECEITFUL ABOVE ALL THINGS

The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things is a rather disturbing movie directed by Asia Argento who's the actress daughter of noted horror director Dario Argento. The film was based on a book written by author Laura Albert under the pen name of JT Leroy (more on THAT in a bit). In the film, Asia plays a rather disturbed drug-addicted woman who somehow gains custody of her young son when it's clear from the get-go that her character should NOT be allowed to raise a goldfish much less a child. In one particularly disturbing scene, her son, while donning a rather skimpy nightie and wearing a blonde wig and makeup, seduces one of her mother's numerous boyfriends (played by goth rocker Marilyn Manson). When the mother finds out, she goes beserk on Manson's character while he's pleading with her, "But he was acting like you!" (Thankfully, we don't get to see the actual seduction taking place, but it's quite clear what transpired when you watch the film.) At one point, the boy goes to live with his grandfather (played by Peter Fonda) due to his mother's neglectfulness, which, as we soon see, may not be a vast improvement as Fonda's character is such a tyrannical religious nut-case and ends up turning his grandson into one too. Years later, while the boy is out street preaching, his mother shows back up and she persuades him to leave with her with, as one might imagine, rather diastrous results (and, of course, you'll have to watch the film to see what those "results" are). On a MUCH lighter note, Asia Argento is noted for NOT being shy about showing moviegoers her bod in most if not all of her movies (which, of course, I'll discuss later on!). However, she only has one brief strip scene in the film as her character is also a stripper (of course!). The movie also proves that Asia Argento has been a vastly underrated actress (and director) who clearly has NOT received her proper accolades within the acting community. However, if she stars and/or directs more movies like this--only maybe NOT so disturbing!--that might soon change. A sidenote: As I pointed out, this movie is based on a book written by an author named Laura Albert which she wrote under the pen name of JT Leroy, which got her into trouble a few years after the release of Asia's film when it was not only revealed that the half-sister of Laura's then-partner had been making public appearances as Albert's alter-ego Leroy per her request but that she had also been signing legal documents UNDER her pen name. Oops! As a result, Laura was convicted of fraud in 2007 and was ordered to pay reparations (Bernie Madoff, are you listening?). Actually, this could make a pretty interesting movie, though this case did reportedly inspire a 2008 episode of the TV show Law & Order (although they insist at the beginning of each & every episode that the shows are NOT based on any real life incidents!). Going back to the movie, the film's title is a Biblical verse taken verbatum from Jeremaih 17:9 in the Old Testament. Just thought you'd like to know! 

AN ODE TO ANNE HATHAWAY

Anne Hathaway is probably not some people's first choice when thinking about all-time favorite sexy actresses. Her nose is a little long, her eyes are a little big, her skin is a little pale and she's a little rail-thin even by Hollywood's rather narrow-minded standards. However, there is most certainly something sexual about her. I mean, Anne can go from playing a gangly teen princess in sappy-crappy "family" flicks like The Princess Diaries to playing a teenage harlot who gives guys topless BJ's in Havoc. It probably goes without saying there aren't a lot of actresses out there who could pull THAT feat off (unless, of course, they're porn stars!)! Next Anne will be playing legendary comic book villianess Catwoman in the upcoming Batman flick and I'm sure she'll be really sexing THAT role up (at least I hope she does!)! If the pics I've seen of her in that ultra slinky Catwoman costume (like the pic above) are ANY indication, she most certainly will! And, by the way, Anne, if you ever read this (which, of course, is a virtual snowball's chance in hell of EVER happening!), I just want you to know that I myself find chicks with longer noses quite sexy (is that weird?). As for the upcoming Batman flick, which is reportedly called The Dark Knight Rises, it's one of the few newer Hollywood flicks that I'm actually looking forward to seeing (although I thought the last Batman flick, the one where the late Heath Ledger played The Joker, was a tad bit overrated). Just hope the damn thing ISN'T in 3-D!  

SHOWGIRLS

Showgirls is the all-time nudie classic which stars former teenybopper star Elizabeth Berkley (of Saved By the Bell fame). In the film, Elizabeth plays an aspiring dancer who goes to Las Vegas in pursuit of her dream and engages in all types of carnality in the process usually while unclothed (of course!). Elizabeth leaves little--and I do mean little!--to the imagination in her role as aspiring dancer/stripper Nomi (as in know me, get it?). As you can probably already tell, subtlety is definitely NOT in this film's criteria! I could, of course, describe in detail just all the kinky-ass things Miss Berkley does in the film, but where is the fun in THAT? Though I will say Elizabeth's incredibly insane romp with Kyle MacLachlan (of Blue Velvet and Sex & The City fame) in the pool--whom she gives a buck-ass-naked lap dance to earlier in the film that borders on male rape!--is worth the price of admission alone! Oh yeah, Gina Gershon (of Bound fame) also shows some nice gratuitous boobage, though certainly NOT as much as her co-star Elizabeth whom Gina slips the tongue to towards the end of this crazy-ass flick. Hmmm, first Elizabeth and then Jennifer; are you trying to tell us something, Gina? A sidenote: When this film came out (pardon the pun!) during the mid-nineties, this film not only received a deliberate NC-17 rating (which is just slightly above X), it was also widely panned by both critics and audiences alike. But, regardless of the massive negative reaction to the film, Elizabeth stuck to her guns and refused to "apologize" for having starred--while mostly unclothed!--in the film, which, let's face it, was little more than soft-core porn! Contrast that to the virtual free pass actress Sharon Stone apparently got when she came out (again, pardon the pun!) with her virtual soft-porn flick Basic Instinct just a few years earlier where she, like Elizabeth, also showed us her, shall we say, talent in the movie (does That Scene ring any bells?) as Sharon, unlike Elizabeth, bent over backwards (there again, pardon the pun!) apologizing for having starred in the flick, actually claiming in one interview how she felt, and I quote, "violated as a human being" for somehow being tricked and/or manipulated into showing us her--again, shall we say!--talent in That Scene (otherwise known as "the beaver shot heard 'round the world!"), although that DIDN'T stop her from appearing in the lackluster sequel--sans Beaver Shot!--years later when Sharon's career was down in the proverbial toilet (and apparently still is!). Of course, I'm sure it didn't hurt that Miss Stone was doing the cinematic nasty with respected movie actor Michael Douglas in the film (but not in the sequel, which I doubt even THAT would have helped!) whereas Miss Berkley was merely getting it on with Kyle MacLachlin (no offense, Kyle!). Oh yeah, one more thing: In spite of the incredibly lackluster box office performance of the sequel, Sharon Stone, at the time of this writing, is reportedly considering doing a THIRD sequel to Basic Instinct (in spite, of course, being "violated as a human being" while filming the first one). I wonder, is Miss Stone going to show us her--there again, shall we say!--talent in the third sequel? And, more importantly, would anyone care to see it (no offense, Sharon!)?

PROZAC NATION

Prozac Nation is supposed to be based on a true story about a young woman struggling with substance abuse and other emotional issues and . . . BORING! Really, like with the earlier-reviewed film Black & White (you remember, the one where singer/actress Bijou Phillips is having a threesome out in woods in the film's outstanding opening), just watch the first five minutes of the film where Christina Ricci is sitting on a bed stark-ass-naked in what has undoubtedly got to be--along with, of course, the opening of Black & White!--the all-time BEST . . . MOVIE . . . OPENING . . . EVER!!!! (If you're a "fan" of Christina Ricci and you wanna take an extra-long gander at her fabulous rack, that is!)

EVIL BONG

Evil Bong, as the title might suggest, is one messed up flick! The film centers around these stoner roommates, one of whom orders a humongous bong which contains a dire warning for all who smoke from it. Of course, they all ignore said warning and, one by one, they each become "trapped" within the "evil" bong, which is basically a strip club, "evil" strippers and all. Anyway, when the "nerdy" roommate figures out what's going on, he decides to go in and rescue the hot blonde chick whom he's got the hots for after she's trapped inside the "evil" bong (his stoner roommates be damned!), especially after Tommy Chong (of Cheech & Chong and federal prison fame) comes not only to retrieve his bong that his wife sold to said stoner roommate but to also destroy said "evil" bong--who's got the face of a Muppet reject and the voice of a stereotypical loud black woman--once and for all. When Tommy's first attempts to destroy his "evil" bong fails, he ends up inside his bong to destroy it from within. The movie ends (spoiler alert!) with Tommy playing Hot Wheels cars with said "evil" strippers who--miracle of miracles!--survive his attack against the "evil" bong. I mean, wouldn't the strippers have been destroyed along with the "evil" bong since they were the "evil" bong's creations? In any case, this movie was billed as a horror/comedy, though it's more of a "stoner" comedy than an out-and-out horror film since there's very little violence/gore in the flick and the violence/gore that's actually in the flick is, as one might suspect, pretty damn cheesy! (And, of course, you'll just have to watch the movie to see what I'm talking about!) Oh yeah, this movie also features a pretty killer soundtrack which is a lot better than what one normally hears in a B-esque-type movie. And, as again one might suspect, it's probably better if you watch this film while stoned off your gourd (similar to when the original Star Wars film was released back in the late-seventies and some moviegoers would get stoned before watching it to, shall we say, enhance the special effects!)!

FULL BODY MASSAGE

There is only ONE thing you've got to know about THIS movie starring MILF-esque actress Mimi Rogers--who's perhaps best known as the ex-wife of noted nutso Tom "Mr. Xenu" Cruise--is that Mimi appears stark-ass-naked in at least three-fourths of the film while she's being, uh-hum, massaged by actor Bryan Brown (otherwise known as Lucky Bastard!). But, sorry fellas, no poonany shots! You don't get THAT until her later film Door In the Floor with actor Jeff Bridges and actress Kim Basinger--who's likewise probably best known as the rather embattled ex of that OTHER noted nutso Alec "Thoughtless Little Pig!" Baldwin--who also appears buck-ass-naked in the film (while getting it on with a teenaged boy, by the way!). Ah, if only MORE films were as, shall we say, simple as this, am I right, fellas!

THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE

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AN ODE TO PENELOPE CRUZ IN "BRUJAS"

 

Brujas is one of actress Penelope Cruz's earlier Spanish language films that was released back in the mid-nineties some years before she became a household name in this country. To be honest, I've never actually watched the film save for a couple of clips I've seen on YouTube (which, of course, is how I discovered it, in particular ONE scene of which I'm about to refer to!). So why, you might ask, am I even bothering to mention it on here? It's simple! BECAUSE PENELOPE CRUZ HAS HAIRY ARMPITS IN THE FLICK, THAT'S WHY!!!! And, in case you haven't already figure it out by now, I have a serious hirsute--i.e. hairy--fetish (along with--of course!--all the other weird-ass fetishes that I have!)! Enough said! A sidenote: I became less of a "fan" of Penelope Cruz when she actually came out in defense of that pedophilic D-Bag (purported) famed movie director Roman Polanski. (And I'll just let you Google Mr. Polanski and see what exactly he DID years ago--that he pled GUILTY to, by the way--to that underage girl, OK?) Still, the above pic from her Brujas flick shows why Penelope is still hot-as-hell and why I just had to mention her starring "hirsute" role in the flick here. Again, enough said! By the way, a "bruja" is an enchantress or a witch, whichever way you want to look at it!

SCROOGE a.k.a. A CHRISTMAS CAROL

 

I'm not a big fan of "mainstream" sappy-crappy Christmas films (as, of course, you saw in my earlier review of the decidedly non-"mainstream" Christmas flick Santa's Slay). However, the "classic" Christmas film Scrooge, which was released as A Christmas Carol in the U.S., is a major exception, primarily because I thought actor Alastair Sim did a most excellent job portraying the classic Charles Dickens character Ebenezer Scrooge. You, of course, are probably well aware of the story's plot by now even if you've never read the book or watched any of the scores of film adaptations (and, believe you me, there have been some definite stinkers!): Scrooge, who's an apparently miserable and nasty rich old man who cares far more about money than he does his fellow man, gets "visited" by his old partner Jacob Marley one Christmas Eve night and warns him that he'll be "visited" by three Christmas ghosts from the Past, Present & the Future who manage to get Scrooge to change his ways and become a better human being (excuse me while I go puke up my eggnog!). I do, however, have two minor complaints with both the story and the film: First, when Scrooge gets "visited" by the Ghost of Christmas Future who shows him his future grave, what exactly was the "message" here? That Scrooge would get to live forever if he DID change his ways or whatever? And one tiny little complaint about the film that I have is the character Tiny Tim (tiny, get it?) whom I regard as the Jar Jar Binks of the flick in that he's by far the most annoying character in the whole movie. I swear, when that little turd starts going off about the pudding--"Oh, the pudding, mother! The pudding!"--I just wanna take his cane and bash him over the head with it! (I wonder, was that a little TOO politically incorrect?) And when he makes his famous "God Bless Us Everyone!" line (that, for me, ranks right up there with "Can't we all just get along?") I always think to myself I wish God WOULD "bless" the little bastard . . . right in his damn mouth! (Again, too politically incorrect?) A sidenote: For anyone out there who's EVER been called a Scrooge, here's a history lesson: Apparently Charles Dickens wasn't a fan of A Christmas Carol as he apparently only wrote it for (gasp!) money, thinking that writing a Christmas tale would bring him some BIG bucks. So, the next time somebody calls YOU a Scrooge for NOT being in The Christmas Spirit or whatever, just tell them THIS story, all right? And, lest I forget, have a Merry "Shatting" Christmas and, in the immortal words of Tiny Tim himself, God bless us everyone . . . right in the damn mouth!

SANTA'S SLAY

 

Santa's Slay is one of the most underrated "holiday" (and, no, Fox News, I didn't say Christmas!) films of all-time. It stars pro-wrestler Bill Goldberg as Santa, only this Santa is not the jolly old fat man we've all come to know and (supposedly) love. No, Bill's Saint Nick is a homicidal psychopath (the best kind of psychopath!). The movie starts off with Santa breaking into this incredibly annoying family's house--through the chimney, of course!--where they're having a (gag!) traditional Christmas feast and Santa winds up--dare I say it!--slaying them all in hilariously brutal ways (like, for instance, he drowns one guy in a bowl of eggnog!). But, for all you (so-called) Christmas purists out there who would no doubt object to this (Bill O'Reilly, are you listening?), the family-in-question consists of rather annoying former SNL player Chris Kattan and Fran Drescher who's otherwise known as that highly annoying chick from The Nanny with that highly annoying laugh, so thus it's a family you'd WANT to see offed in a hilariously brutal fashion! Anyway, the reason why Claus is not so jolly in this film is because he was defeated in battle eons before by an angel (played by Robert Culp who died a few years after making this film) and was therefore "cursed" by said angel to become the jolly old fat man we've all come to know and (allegedly) love. However, once Santa's "curse" is lifted he goes back to his TRUE murderous psychopathic self (and anyone who's familiar with the Santa Claus legend knows that isn't really too far off the mark) and begins--again, dare I say it!--slaying both the wicked and the not-so-wicked alike. Culp's character again fights Santa along with his grandson and girlfriend, and, of course, you'll just have to see the film to see how that fight ends, OK? Favorite scene in the film: when Santa goes into a strip club (nobody tell Mrs. Claus!) where, upon gazing at all the scantily-clad strippers (but then, are there any other kind!), he goes, "Ho, ho . . . hoes!" Then he grabs one of them and kisses them full on the mouth. (Gives new meaning to the phrase "So, little girl, what do YOU want for Christmas?", doesn't it?) Oh yeah, by the way, have you ever noticed how, if you rearrange the letters in the name Santa, you get SATAN? Just saying, Fox (Non) News (Bill "Mr. Christmas" O'Reilly, are you STILL listening?)!

NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS

Never Talk to Strangers is one in a string of poor acting choices for the otherwise great Rebecca DeMornay, which is kind of a shame really because I remember when I first saw Rebecca when I was a sex-crazed (or was it sex-starved?) teen in her breakout role in the eighties classic film Risky Business where she had that ultra hot sex scene with Tom "Is He or Isn't He?" Cruise (which, as a sex-crazed/sex-starved teen, was like porn for me, even if she WAS having cinematic pseudo-sex with Tom "Mr. Jumper" Cruise!). In any case, the plot to THIS film is nonsensical and is made all the worse by the fact that Antonio Banderas (what is with Rebecca co-starring with all these Hollywood D-Bags?) is her co-star in the film and, as is usually the case with The Latin Hunk (or is it Chunk?), you can hardly understand a damn word he says! The ONLY saving grace of this film and the ONLY reason to watch the damn thing AT ALL is that Rebecca, as she did in Risky Business (and her flop-of-a-remake of the classic Brigitte Bardot film And God Created Woman), shows her bodacious ta-tas in the flick (but, sorry fellas, there's NO poonany shots in this film as there clearly was in Business!). So, if and when you watch this crap-fest of a movie, just go to the menu and click on the scene where she shows said bodacious ta-tas and just skip all the rest (well, except for maybe the scene where Rebecca mercifully shoots Antonio "Just What the Hell IS He Saying?!" Banderas!). Oh yeah, one other reason to shat on this film: it stars none other than noted Republican-ass-kisser Dennis Miller (of SNL and George "Dubya" Bush fame). Need I say more on just how bad this film SUCKS?

SMOKEY & THE BANDIT 3

Smokey & The Bandit 3 was the third and final installment to the all-time redneck/gool ole boy "classic" Smokey & The Bandit, which is the film known for making Burt Reynolds a household name (which is, of course, a good or bad thing depending on however you look at it!). Burt Reynolds is noticeably (or maybe NOT so noticeably depending again on how you look at it!) absent from the film save for a five-minute cameo towards the end. Instead, this film features Smokey's sidekick Snowman (played by country crooner/guitar picker the late Jerry Reed) as the lead character. The plot is pretty much the same as the other two Smokey films: The old guy and the dwarf guy hire Reed to transport a shark--not a real one, of course--rather than the "real" Bandit since they find him a bit too egotistical. (Burt Reynolds egotistical? Nah, can't be!) And, like Burt's Smokey did in the original film with Sally Field (?), Jerry picks up a runaway gal named "Dusty Trails" (played by Colleen Camp) along the way. (And, unlike Sally Field in the first two films, Colleen Camp decidedly shows a bit more skin as she wears a rather skimpy cowgirl outfit and we get a clearly unobscured upskirt view of Colleen. Sally, take note!) And, of course, Jackie Gleason's hilariously all-time-favorite character Sheriff Buford T. Justice pursues the psuedo-Bandit believing he's the real one. And--of course!--loads of utter hilarity ensues, including my all-time-favorite scene in the flick when Buford and his ever-so-bumbling deputy son--whom Field runs away from in the first two films and who, of course, makes Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry!--stumble upon a nudist camp where they meet the ultra hot Veronica Gamba, who also just happened to be Playboy's Playmate of the Month in their November 1983 issue (that I wound up paying about twenty bucks for as a back issue I was so smitten with her, but I digress). And, yes, we get to take a gander at Veronica's bodacious ta-tas in the film (even though the film was rated PG or PG-13, I can't remember which). And, yes, the extra nudity is the reason WHY I'm reviewing this particular Smokey film rather than the first two (though I will say that, while I am somewhat a "fan" of the first one, I thought the second one sucked canal water!). Favorite line from the film from Gleason's character Buford (while he and his son are, uh-hum, visiting a whorehouse): "My groin! You're grinding my groin!" A sidenote: One thing I couldn't quite fathom about the first two Smokey films is, if Burt Reynolds was such a "stud" and all as the title character, then why the hell couldn't he get a HOTTER piece of tail than Sally Field? No offense to Sally Field, who's, um, sexy in a "vanilla" Sandra Bullock kind of way, but this is just as perplexing as the two supernatural D-Bags fighting over Kristen Stewart (who's also "sexy" in a weird sort of way) in those sappy-crappy Twilight flicks. But, then again, Burt Reynolds DID end up marrying (and then, of course, divorcing) Loni Anderson--who was regarded as a sort of Pamela Anderson of her day--so that COULD explain why he didn't demand a hotter leading lady (again, no offense, Sally!). You think?

PORKY'S REVENGE!

The eighties "classic" film Porky's was a sort of precursor to modern films such as the aforementioned The Hangover (you know, the one that ripped off the porno flick). Set in a high school in the fifties, Porky's was about a group of sex-crazed teens (but then, are there ANY other!) who get into all kinds of mischief, espcially when they're trying to get laid. The movie featured all types of memorable characters such as Pee-Wee, Meat, and the unforgettable Beulah Balbricker whom the teens lovingly refer to as Beulah Ballbreaker. There were three films in the series, a trilogy of sorts (sort of like Stars Wars and Lord of the Rings, only with a lot more sexual innuendo!). Porky's Revenge! was the third and final film in the series (and arguably the least popular). In the film, the title character the also-unforgettable Porky returns to seek revenge on the teens for destroying his whorehouse and subsequently humiliating him in the first one by "convincing" them to throw the upcoming high school football game . . . or else. But the plot's not the reason why I'm reviewing the film here. I picked this particular Porky's film to review because I've always had a sort of weird crush on the character Blossom (played by actress Wendy Feigh who apparently, like most if not all of the other actors in the film, didn't do too many more acting gigs after the film; again, sort of like Star Wars!) who is Porky's daughter. Blossom gets together (nudge! nudge! wink! wink!) with Meat in the film--not by Meat's choice, of course!--and, when Porky finds out, he abducts Meat and plans on forcing him to marry his beloved Blossom. Blossom was certainly NOT your "standard" beauty with her braces and pigtails and the rather funny way she talked and overall acted (but then, just like with "family" flicks, "standard" beauties are definitely NOT my usual thing!). And, yes, Blossom appears topless during her one-sided "love" scene with Meat where she practically rapes him while the other boys are downstairs talking with her father Porky. A good, wholesome film for the ENTIRE family! A sidenote: In the first Porky's film, noted MILF actress Kim Cattrall (of Sex & The City fame) makes her cinematic debut as the also-unforgettable character Lassie. And, when you see her scene in the film when she gets it on with one of the school coaches in the boy's locker room, you'll see WHY her character was nicknamed Lassie! (And, trust me, you definitely WON'T be thinking about the damn dog!) 

AN ODE TO LINDSAY LOHAN

 

I thought I'd take a break from reviewing movies to pay homage to (purported) actress Lindsay Lohan. Why am I doing this, you might be asking? To be brutally honest, I don't really know! It's not that I'm a big fan or anything of Lindsay's films since about the only film of hers that I've actually watched all the way through is her flick Freaky Friday that she starred in some years back with Jamie Lee Curtis (of Trading Places and Tony Curtis fame) back when she was considered both a child star and a bankable actress that wasn't all that bad (for a "family-friendly" flick, that is, and we all, of course, know how much I just LOVE those!). Hell, I haven't even watched Mean Girls yet (which is arguably her biggest hit and most popular film). I am even LESS of a "fan" of Lindsay's public persona as she comes off as just another spoiled, entitled young Hollywood starlet who bitches about their "fame" (Kristen Stewart, are you listening?) and then tries to capitalize in some way on said fame (in Lindsay's case, she's obviously tried to use her supposed fame to keep her voluptuous ass out of jail for DUI and other drug-related charges). However, in spite of all this, I'm totally and completely obsessed with this chick! It might have a little something to do with her semi-nude and fully-nude appearances--where she "appeared" as, ironically enough, Marilyn Monroe (and we all know what happened to HER, don't we?)--in magazines like New York and her newest one in--where else?--Playboy (where she was reportedly paid a million smackers to pose in ze buff; only in America, am I right, people?) even though, in her Playboy nudie pics, she looks like a stripper's version of Marilyn Monroe (if said stripper was airbrushed all to hell, of course!). Still, it seems like the more nudie "appearances" Lindsay makes, the more I become obsessed with her! She just seems to ooze--dare I say it!--sexuality, meaning that if you were to get together with her, if you know what I mean (and I'm, of cuurse, sure that you do!), she'd give you a night you WOULDN'T soon forget (but then, I could be wrong about that!)! Put another way, Lindsay reminds me of that high school cheerleader you thought was a stuck-up bitch but STILL fantasized about doing all types of naughty things to her; again, if you know what I mean (and, again, I'm sure that you do!)! However, there are other famous chicks out there that I'm totally and completely obsessed with (but NOT in a "stalker" way, of course!), so WHY am I focusing on the rather embattled Lindsay Lohan? Well, it's like Gerard Butler said to Katherine Heigl in the earlier-reviewed "chick flick" The Ugly Truth: "Beats the shit out of me!" (Hope THAT clears it up for ya!)

MEET THE FEEBLES

"The muppets on acid," is how THIS film has been described. And rightfully so, I might add. This film was directed by Peter Jackson (yes, the very same guy who brought you The Lord of the Rings trilogy) who made this film years before even thinking about being able to direct something as, shall we say, haughty as Lord of the Rings. Another VERY appropriate title for this film would have been Muppets Behaving Badly. I mean, picture, if you will, if Kermit the Frog made a porno with Miss Piggy and Gonzo went totally and completely bonkers and started blowing all the other Muppets away in a wild shooting spree and Fozzie the Bear did Andrew "Dice" Clay-esque jokes and Animal acted like, well, an animal and you'll get SOME idea as to how truly fucked up this movie really is! For instance, one of the "muppets" in the movie actually performs a musical called--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--Sodomy. (Let the two old guys in the balcony harp about THAT!) This is most definitely NOT the type of movie one would expect from the guy who directed the highly-acclaimed Lord of the Rings films (for those, of course, NOT familiar with Peter Jackson's previous works). So, if you'd like to see how The Muppet Show (or Sesame Street!) would have turned out if it had been directed by a porno and/or snuff film director, then THIS could very well be the flick for YOU! A sidenote: Speaking of pornos, I think a good "porno parody" title for Lord of the Rings would be Lord of the Cock Rings. It's got a nice ring to it, don't ya think?

BLACK & WHITE

This film is, of course, NOT to be confused with the Gina Gershon cop melodrama of the same name released around the same time. This is one of those multi-star flicks. Even Mike Tyson--yes, THAT Mike Tyson--has a cameo (even though most people believe The Hangover was his movie debut). Anyway, this moive is pretty forgettable, so I'm not going to waste my time going into the plot or anything else about the movie . . . except ONE thing: In the first five minutes of the movie, we get to see the lovely Bijou Phillips (star of the aforementioned Hostel Part II) half-naked in a forest having a threesome with a black guy and another white girl (well, it's not really a threesome since the black guy really doesn't do anything, but, hey, that's all right with me since Bijou and her gal pal do PLENTY, if you know what I mean!). Insert The Simpson's Comic Book Guy's voice here: BEST . . . MOVIE . . . OPENING . . . EVER!!!! And, best of all, Bijou Phillips DOESN'T get her scalp split open with a damned chainsaw! A sidenote: Did you know that The Hangover was actually a rip-off--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--of a porno movie released a few years before it (and I'm, of course, planning to go into more detail about this in a future review)? Well, I guess comic books aren't the ONLY places where Hollywood is getting its (supposed) ideas from nowadays, huh?

HOSTEL PART II

This torture porn flick is, of course, the sequel to the first Hostel. While I actually liked the first Hostel (and was, if memory serves, the last film I actually paid to go see in a movie theater), I wasn't much of a fan of the sequel (but then, isn't that almost always the case with sequels?). In the first film, it was a group of guys who take a trip overseas and end up getting captured and tortured by this agency of sorts where people pay to literally torture people to death. In the sequel, it's a group of girls who take said overseas trip and wind up getting captured and brutally tortured. And here's why I'm NOT so much a fan of the gory sequel. Being a horror aficionado, I certainly don't have an aversion to gore, even extreme gore, but there are some acts of violence even I can't stomach, especially if it involves women. Now I'm NOT one of these politically correct D-Bags (Roger Ebert, are you listening?) bitching about how horror films or slasher flicks or whatever you wish to call them are "degrading towards women" and whatnot (since, of course, men are killed just as brutally in these films) and I don't even mind sometimes viewing women getting killed in these films (like, for instance, when women were killed in the first Hostel film and in the earlier-reviewed film The Hitcher where we didn't actually see Jennifer Jason Leigh get brutally killed by Rutger Hauer but still got the point nevertheless). But, I've got to tell you, the scenes in the second Hostel where Bijou Phillips gets her scalp split open with a chainsaw and Heather Matarazzo gets literally slashed to death by a scythe while hanging upside down--nude--by this crazy evil bitch in a bathtub so she can bathe in her blood left me, well, disturbed for days after seeing them. (And here's another gripe I have about the Heather Matarazzo death scene: While I certainly enjoyed her nudie film debut, I certianly DIDN'T enjoy the fact that she was brutally murdered while she was naked. I don't know about you, but I prefer my nudity and gore to be totally separate, thank you very much!) I don't mean to get too personal here, but seeing women abused in my own life (and don't ask me who because I won't say) may have at least a little something to do with the fact that I sometimes (or often) can't stomach watching movie scenes of women getting brutally attacked and killed. You think?

EASY A

Easy A was the apparent breakout role for Emma Stone, whom I regard as the thinking man's sex symbol. In the film, she plays a rather precocious teen who decides to start some rumors about herself being "easy" and, as one would expect, the rumors get all out of control. This film actually struck a serious nerve with me in that, like Emma's character, I too had several rumors spread about me while I was in the social hell that was my high school, though, unlike Emma's character, the rumors spread about me were definitely NOT by choice. Anyway, the rumors included that I was a drug dealer, a devil worshipper, that I was "gay" or homosexual in nature (i.e. a pussy), and even that I was planning to commit mass murder (and rape!) the night of my graduation after I had self-published a series of "independent" newsletters telling everyone at the school (or at least 99.9 1/2 % of them!) what I thought about them and their precious little sacred cows (football, homecoming, popularity, etc., etc.) and especially what they could go do with all their bullshit. As you can clearly tell, my little newsletter did NOT go over too well with the townsfolk! So that was why I could most definitely relate to what Emma's character went through in the film. Maybe THAT was why I felt more than a little depressed after watching the film (even though it was supposed to be a comedy!)! A sidenote: In case you didn't already figure it out by now, I went to school in a small little Southern town that I affectionately refer to as Redneck Hell (that, of course, is not the town's actual name). Picture the film and subsequent TV series Friday Night Lights on steroids and you'll get an idea of what life was like in Redneck Hell. And that is why to this day I have seen neither the TV show nor the movie Friday Night Lights (and why you WON'T see it reviewed here). I mean, why watch when I fucking LIVED it, am I right, people?

THE MAN WITH ONE RED SHOE

The Man With One Red Shoe is one of the lesser-known films by Hollywood megastar Tom Hanks. In it, he plays a bumbling violinist who becomes involved in some political intrigue or whatever. The plot is definitely NOT why you need to see this movie. No, the reason why you need to see THIS film is because of the scene where ultra hot Lori Singer (who's the sister of The Beastmaster's Marc Singer and who's perhaps best known for her role in the "classic" eighties Kevin Bacon flick Footloose and the Sci-Fi TV show VR.5), playing a government spy, attempts to seduce Hanks by wearing this slinky--and extremely low-cut--black dress that, when she turns around, exposes the very tip of Lori's luscious butt crack. I swear, when I first saw this scene (on TV, unedited, no less!), I thought my heart (and, of course, other parts!) was gonna give out! Oh yeah, Carrie Fisher, fresh off her Star Wars gig, also appears in her underwear, if THAT'S of, uh-hum, interest to anyone (though I will say it's not nearly as, shall we say, provocative as that slinky metal bikini she wore a couple of years earlier in the final Star Wars flick--at least until the prequels!--Return of the Jedi!).

AVATAR

One of the biggest-grossing films of all-time, the plot of Avatar directed by James Cameron (who, of course, also directed the huge-grossing and way-too-overhyped flick Titanic, although I certainly DIDN'T mind the sight of Kate Winslet's bodacious ta-tas, which, of course, moviegoers have seen PLENTY of MANY times before!) is this: A power-hungry evil white guy wants to hunt down and destroy a colony of blue-skinned funny-talking people, including a hot blue-skinned chick whom everyone wants to bang. Oh, wait a second, this "plot" sounds awfully familiar. Now where-oh-where have I heard THIS story-line before? Oh wait, I've got it! THE SMURFS!!!!

BOXING HELENA

The Human Centipede of its day, Boxing Helena was controversial even BEFORE it was released to the moviegoing public. Madonna (yes, THAT Madonna!) was reportedly set to star in the film before she reportedly backed out and then Kim Basinger (of 9 1/2 Weeks and Alec Baldwin fame) signed on and then she backed out and wound up getting sued over the deal and the resulting million-dollar judgement against her reportedly sent her into bankruptcy. And that was just the beginning for the film's troubles as, when it was released, it sparked a fury of protests from feminists/women's groups at the time who rather heatedly argued how the film was degrading towards women and whatnot. And what DID said feminists and/or women's groups at the time object to about the film? Well, the flick stars Julian Sands as a creepy doctor who becomes obsessed with a woman (who was ultimately played by Sherilyn Fenn, who is perhaps best known for her work in David Lynch's cult TV series Twin Peaks) who ends up amputating her limbs so he can "keep" her. Maybe THAT was why the feminists and all the other women's groups were so pissed off at the film's director, you think? However, there was just one slight problem with their criticism of the film in that it was directed by a WOMAN, namely Jennifer Lynch who also just happened to be the aforementioned David Lynch's daughter in what was her directorial debut. However, the film did so poorly at the box office and received SO much heated criticism that I'm not sure she was able to make another film. In any case, if you're one of those weirdos who are into hot amputated chicks (NOT speaking for myself!), then this might just be the (sick) flick for you!

BOUND

Anyone who knows me (which is NOT very many people, I assure you!) knows that I have, shall we say, a fondness for lesbian-themed movies. And this mid-nineties flick is one of the best ones. The film stars mega-hotties Jennifer Tilly (of Bride Of Chucky fame) and Gina Gershon (of Showgirls fame). Tilly plays the wife of a mob boss who has apparent bisexual leanings and Gershon plays a just-released convict who is full-on lesbian. The two meet and, after doing some serious flirting, end up doing the lesbo nasty in what has got to be one of the hottest damn lesbian scenes EVER to be filmed (in a non-porno flick, at least!). A word of advice: If you're like me and you're likewise into lesbian-themed films, just watch about the first 30 mintues of the film when Jennifer and Gina are getting all hot & bothered for each other and stop after their intense sex scene because, after that, the film more-or-less turns into "gangsta"-esque melodramatic crap. Of course, if you're into "gangsta"-esque melodramatic crap, then, by all means, keep watching! Otherwise, if you're like me (pervert!) and you just want to see Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly get it on, then you can do yourself a favor and stop watching after watching Jenn & Gina get it on (trust me, you won't be missing very much!), And, oh yeah, I thought the song "She's a Lady" by legendary "sex" crooner Tom Jones playing over the credits was a nice touch!

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS

Zombies seem to be all the rage nowadays as there are several TV shows and/or movies devoted to them such as The Walking Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Night of the Dead, Humping the Dead, you get the idea. Frankly, I'm not the biggest zombie fan since, unlike werewolves and vampires and other supernatural beings, you can't really tweak the zombie into something different (although I will say that I think the vampire was "tweaked" WAY too much in those sappy-crappy Twilight flicks, but I digress). I mean, all zombies pretty much do is walk around with their flesh rotting off and go around eating brains and that's pretty much it. However, the soon-to-be-classic Zombie Strippers may be an exception. The film stars ex-porn queen Jenna Jameson (who turns out to be not too bad of an actress), Robert Englund (who, as ANY fright fan will tell you, played Freddy Krueger in the classic A Nightmare on Elm Street) and even Jenna's on-again, off-again, back-on-again boyfriend mixed martial artist Tito Ortiz. In the film, America has pretty much become a corporation thanks primarily to George W. Bush and Dick Cheney (of course!) and a zombie plague is unleashed on the unsuspecting populace due to a military experiment gone awry (again, of course!) and the strippers at this sleazy nightclub run by an equally sleazy owner (played to utter hilarity by Englund) become infected but continue to strip (there again, of course!). Jenna is the head stripper (once again, of course!) and she has her obligatory strip scene (but, sorry guys, no sex scenes!) which culminates with her covered in blood (though I'm sure there's a Website out there devoted to THAT!). As it turns out, the patrons of the club end up getting off to the zombie strippers (hence the title!) more than they do the non-zombie strippers (again, I'm sure there's a site devoted to this!). If you're into Zombie Strippers (or even if you're not!), then it might be worth your while to check this film out if for no other reason than to check out Jenna Jameson's bodacious ta-tas (although there are PLENTY of Websites out there devoted to THAT!).

THE UGLY TRUTH

For most guys, watching so-called "chick flicks" is almost (and I say almost!) akin to watching gay porn except that, unlike watching gay porn, most guys are willing to watch said "chick flick" with the hopes that they'll get some 'tang afterwards (and, no, I'm NOT talking about the space drink!). The "chick flick" The Ugly Truth, however, might be a major exception. The film stars Katherine Heigl (who stars in the mega "chick show" Gray's Anatomy) and Gerard Butler (who starred in the flick 300, which is undoubtedly a "guy flick," half-naked men and all!). In the film, Gerard portrays a guy who's the ultimate male chauvinist pig and Katherine is the "chick" who sets out to tame him. It sounds like typical "chick flick" fare, I know, but it actually gets pretty raunchy for a "chick flick" thanks largely to Butler's character who plays a rather sleazy TV talk show host (think if Howard Stern had his own TV talk show) and Heigl plays his unwitting (and, of course, extremely hot!) boss. Even the ending is unlike ANY "chick flick" I've ever seen in that, when Butler finally reveals his true feelings to Heigl and he tells her that he's in love with her (gag!), Katherine glares at him suspiciously and asks him "why" he "loves" her. Now most if not all "chick flicks" have that When Harry Met Sally moment where the male character starts babbling on about how his love-interest hung and the moon and the stars and all that mushy horseshit but NOT Gerard who (spoiler alert!) just shrugs, shakes his head and goes, "Beats the shit out of me!" Then cut to the sounds of them doing it like monkeys (no nudity on Katherine's part, damn it!) before the credits role and voila! Definitely NOT your typical "chick flick," is it? And then there's that soon-to-be-classic restaurant "dildo" scene complete with orgasm noises from Katherine (ala Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally). And, of course, you'll just HAVE to watch the "chick flick"--preferably with your sweetheart!--to see what I'm talking about! And, oh yeah, don't forget the 'tang!

THE HITCHER

 

The Hitcher--the original, NOT the remake--is one of the more underrated horror films of the eighties and stars one of the more underrated actors of all-time Rutger Hauer and C. Thomas Howell who's, well, an actor of all-time (and let's just leave it at THAT, okay?). The plot is simple enough: Driver (played by Howell) picks up hitcher (played to chilling effect by Hauer) who turns out to be a raging murdering psychopath. What I like most about this particular horror flick is that, unlike other horror films of that time (e.g. the Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street franchises), it doesn't involve supernatural beings/killers as Rutger Hauer's character is all-too-human (and, needless to say, all-too-evil). And who can, of course, forget that by-now-classic scene where actress Jennifer Jason Leigh--who plays Howell's obligatory lady-interest in the film (and is also one of the FEW flicks she's starred in where she keeps her clothes ON!)--is strapped between two semi-trucks and ripped asunder by Hauer. What was most interesting about this particular scene is that we don't actually see Jennifer ripped asunder the way one no doubt would if this film were made today (and, again, I'm NOT talking about the remake that came out a few years ago). However, despite its obvious lack of extreme gore (like, again, one would see in a horror film today), it still remains one of the most chilling scenes in horror movie history. A sidenote: As for the obligatory sequel that also came out a few years back, that one stars C. Thomas Howell and co-stars B-movie hottie Kari Wuhrer (who also manages to keep her clothes ON in spite of her rampant nudie film history like Jennifer!) and noted nut-job Gary Busey's son Jake who stars in the Rutger Hauer role (but who, of course, lacks the acting chops of Rutger). I will say one pleasant surprise of The Hitcher sequel is that it has one of the most creatively surprising movie beginnings I've ever seen in a horror film or any other type of film, for that matter (and we're talking Saw territory here). And you'll, of course, just have to watch the film to see what I'm talking about, all right? (I mean, do I have to do EVERYTHING for you people?!)

SCARFACE

This movie, as everyone probably already knows by now, was directed by controversial film director Brian De Palma and starred legendary actor Al Pacino in the title role as Tony "Scarface" Montana. When this film was released back in the early-eighties, it was seriously panned by both critics and audiences alike who regarded it as little more than an offensive gore-fest. While I certainly have no objections to watching offensive gore-fests, I remember the first time I watched this film I thought, Man, this is really fucking stupid! I mean, Tony Montana comes off as a Cuban Forrest Gump. "Life is like a box of bullets. You never know what you're gonna get!" The flick has since gone on to become a huge cult classic thanks primarily to (so-called) "gangsta" rappers who virtually glorify this stupid bloody flick in their music and even, in some instances, their personal lives as well (more about THAT in a bit). While I'm normally a huge fan of Al Pacino (when, of course, he's NOT seriously over-acting as he's been known to do at times throughout his career, which may explain WHY he left acting altogether for a few years and made his triumphant return in the "erotic thriller" Sea Of Love with the ultra steamy Ellen Barkin), I personally feel that Al's other "gangsta" flick Carlito's Way--the one where he makes that by-now-infamous "pulling me back in" line--is a MUCH better "gangsta" flick than the vastly overrated Scarface. Plus Al's ultra sexy co-star in the film Penelope Ann Miller shows us her bodacious ta-tas in the film (unlike, of course, legendarily prudish Michelle Pfeiffer who, of course, was Al's co-star in Scarface and whose ONLY nudie movie appearances to date were in the flicks Into the Night and Tequila Sunrise, so check THOSE out when you get the chance!)! As for those (so-called) "gangsta" rappers (and, of course, others) who idolize and/or emulate Tony "Say Hello to My Little Friend!" Montana, I ask THIS question: You DO recall what (mercifully) happens to Tony Montana at the end of the film, DON'T you? 

THE BLIND SIDE

The Blind Side is a heartwarming tale of a well-to-do football-loving family taking in a homeless African-American teen and introducing him to the wonders of family & football . . . or a narcissistic tale of a football-crazed white family taking in a black kid who's built like a tank and using him for their own purposes, whichever way you want to look at it. Even if you haven't watched this sappy-crappy flick, you more-than-likely know the "story" by now: Football-obsessed family takes in homeless black teen and--surprise of surprises!--they, uh-hum, encourage him to try out for the football team that the husband just happens to be the coach of and the wife--played by "vanilla" actress Sandra Bullock (who, of course, won an Oscar for her portrayal of the football-crazy wife even though it's basically the SAME act she's done all throughout her career!)--who just happens to be a HUGE supporter of said hubby's football team. Of course, defenders/lovers of this sappy-crappy "family" flick will no doubt argue that what said WHITE football-crazed family did was a good thing, that they love and care for said African-American homeless teen as if he were their own. Yeah, and I'm sure they would have felt the SAME way about this kid if he were a 90-pound weakling (and I bet they would've gotten the same amount of publicity for it too!). A sidenote: As everyone probably already knows by now, at around the same time Sandra "Vanilla" Bullock won her much-deserved (sarcasm alert!) Oscar for her role in this sappy-crappy flick it was revealed that her (formerly) beloved hubby Jesse "D-Bag" James was having an affair with noted crazed tattooed (purported) Nazi chick Michelle "Bombshell" McGee. Frankly, they should have cast Miss McGee in Sandra Bullock's role. Now THAT would have been a film worth watching!