TAKEN 2

Taken 2 is, of course, the sequel to the box office hit Taken where Liam Neeson plays a CIA agent "with a certain set of skills" who goes after bad guys who target his family. In the first Taken, Neeson's character goes after the men who kidnap his daughter while she's vacationing overseas and sell her into sex slavery. In the second Taken, the menacing father whose sons were killed by Neeson's character in the first film targets Liam's character and his family, including both his daughter and his ex-wife. In the first one, you had to suspend disbelief a little to enjoy the film. In the second one, you have to suspend disbelief a lot. I mean, Neeson's character's family decides to meet up with him while he's on "business" in Istanbul (since, you know, the family going overseas worked so well the FIRST time!). Of course, it just so happens that the bad guys are already waiting for them when they arrive in Istanbul! Secondly, when the bad guys kidnap Liam's character and his ex-wife, he calls his daughter via a hidden cell phone he's got and tells her to get to the U.S. embassy and, when she refuses, he relents and lets his daughter help rescue him thereby putting her life in danger. You with me so far? (And, while we're at it, how the bad guys never overhear him talking to his daughter on his cell phone is beyond me!) So she's throwing grenades and getting into car chases with her father running away from the bad guys AND the police. See what I mean about suspending disbelief when watching THIS film? Now this isn't to say that Taken 2 is a bad film. It's actually OK as far as action movie sequels go. It's just that the first Taken was a lot more leaner and meaner. Of course, just like in the first one, it's a real treat watching Liam Neeson's character dispatch the bad guys who seek to do him and his family harm one-by-one. And, I must say, the father of the slain sons is a REALLY nasty SOB who tells Liam's character while he's chained up that he's going to kidnap his daughter and sell her again to the sex trade where she'll be "abused" repeatedly. Later on, he tells the ex-wife while she's chained up, after saying what a "good mother" she is, that she'll send her back home piece-by-piece. Of course, he gets what he deserves when Neeson's character . . . well, you'll just have to watch the flick to find out, all rightie? 

SKELETON MAN

Skeleton Man is a straight-to-video horror flick that's, well, bad. And when I say it's bad, I mean it's laughably bad! The movie is about an army unit that takes on and gets picked off one-by-one by this Native-American demon or whatever the hell it actually is called Cottonmouth Joe. (I know, I know the title of this flick is Skeleton Man, but bear with me!) First off, the Skeleton Man/Cottonmouth Joe you see on the video box cover doesn't even come CLOSE to looking like the "demon" in the actual movie. That Skeleton Man/Cottonmouth Joe looks like a guy dressed in a hooded cape wearing a cheap skeleton mask, which it what it essentially is. I mean, if the "demon" in the movie looked more the one on the video box cover, it might--and I say MIGHT--have made it a better horror flick! And the inconsistencies in the flick DON'T end there! For instance, early on in the film, Cottonmouth Joe/Skeleton Man kills off one of the female soldiers . . . AND NOBODY SEEMS TO NOTICE HER MISSING!!!! At another point in this dumbass film, another one of the soldiers--played by actor Casper Van Dien who's perhaps best known for his role in the "classic" sci-fi flick Starship Troopers (where the army unit in THAT flick was battling giant space bugs, if you'll recall)--follows Cottonmouth/Skeleton all the way to the interstate where the soldier inexplicably steals a semi-truck and then it crashes and explodes and when said soldier gets out of the truck he gets stabbed by . . . well, you know! Still yet another female soldier--all the female soldiers in this flick, by the way, look like more like swimsuit models than actual soldiers (not that I really minded, of course!)--gets conked in the head by Cottonmouth/Skeleton a couple of times yet he doesn't finish her off for some odd reason. And, to top it off, the scar on this female soldier's head keeps changing sides and shapes! Not only that, but Cottonmouth/Skeleton's horse keeps changing as well! Now I understand the budget on this particular flick was probably pretty much near-to-non-existent, but still! Besides Casper, the only "name" actor in this godawful flick is Michael Rooker who's starred in a number of films and TV shows, including on the popular show The Walking Dead. My guess is that Rooker probably starred in this flick because he needed a quick paycheck. As for Casper, well . . . Anyway, the movie reaches its "climatic" end when Cottonmouth/Skeleton goes on some inexplicable murderous rampage in some chemical plant and Rooker's character confronts him and . . . well, I frankly didn't even care at THIS point. My bullshit meter with this particular film reached its limit during the scene when Cottonmouth Joe/Skeleton Man actually shoots an army helicopter out of the sky--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--WITH A BOW AND ARROW!!!! Seriously! I've seen some campy-ass horror--and other--flicks in my time (which I've, of course, reviewed on this blog), but THIS one took the campy cake! All I can say is that this would be a, uh-hum, good film to watch if you're bored out of your skull (pardon the pun!) and you want to watch a REALLY bad horror flick. What made this film even WORSE--as if it couldn't get ANY worse!--was that you could tell that it was a blatant rip-off of the classic eighties sci-fi/horror flick Predator starring none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Skeleton Man--or whatever it is he's actually called--even looks at his "prey" like the Predator did in THAT movie and even "steals" skeletons like the Predator did. My suggestion would be to watch THAT movie instead of THIS claptrap-of-a-flick. Hell, even the less-than-stellar Predator sequels would be FAR better to watch, you know what I mean?

CHLOE

Chloe is an erotically-charged movie starring Liam Neeson, Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried. The premise of the movie is pretty simple enough: Julianne Moore plays a doctor--specifically, a gynecologist (surprised?)--who suspects that her college professor husband--played by Liam Neeson (in one of his more low-key roles)--is cheating on her after finding a suspicious text message from one of his female students on his phone. So she hires a sexy younger prostitute--played by Amanda Seyfried in the title role--to try to seduce him to either confirm or deny her fears. During their meetings, Chloe tells Julianne's character in graphic detail how she "seduces" her husband, which, in turn, turns Moore's character on. So much so that Chloe ends up seducing Julianne's character (yes, it's THAT type of movie!). That's pretty much the flick. The movie tries a Fatal Attraction-type ending--sans the boiled bunny!--when Moore's character attempts to break it off with Chloe after she finds out that she's lied to her about "seducing" her hubby so she could get into HER pants (again, it's THAT type of flick!). To get back at her, Chloe seduces their son, who's a little turd throughout the film, and Julianne's character catches them in bed together in her bedroom and . . . well, I'll just let you watch the movie and see for yourself, all right? One issue I had with this film is that there's no discernible motivation for Chloe's actions as there's really no back-story on her character. But, let's face facts, in spite of whatever "ending" this movie attempts, the REAL reason to, er, watch this flick is to see the, um, relationship between Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried. It's fairly low-key as far as erotic thrillers go, but, if you're into seeing hot women getting together (like, of course, yours truly!), then THIS is the kinky flick for you (you pervs!)!

Here's a video collage of some of the sexier scenes between Julianne Moore & Amanda Seyfried (from YouTube):

BEAUTY & THE BEAST (A TV Show Review)

The CW's Beauty & The Beast

This is a clip from the "abuse" scene of BATB.

BATB's Vincent ripping the heart out of another "beast."

Ron Perlman's Vincent: a "beast" on the outside ONLY!

This is the "VinCat" that I prefer!

I know, I know this is supposed to be a MOVIE review blog, but I feel it's my civic duty to point out crap, be it cinematic or otherwise, whenever it rears its ugly head. And, believe you me, it doesn't get much uglier than the CW's televised crap-fest Beauty & The Beast. The show is--or at least purports to be--an updated version of the classic TV show from the late-eighties starring Ron Perlman (who played Hellboy) who played the "beast" and Linda Hamilton (the babe from The Terminator) playing the "beauty." However, about the only real resemblance to THAT show was that the main characters are named Catherine and Vincent like in the older TV series. To be honest, about the only reason I even bothered watching BATB is because I was such a fan of the original TV series--which was also written & produced by George R.R. Martin (yeah, the Game Of Thrones dude!)--that I was curious how they would rework the show. Plus I have a slight crush on actress Kristin Kreuk who's perhaps best known for her role as Lana Lang in another CW show Smallville, which in itself was a "retelling" of the Superman story. Anyway, in this show, Kristin plays the "beauty" Catherine--who also goes by Cat--who hooks up with "beast" Vincent played by Jay Ryan (which, to be honest, I don't know what he starred in before). However, unlike in the original show where Vincent looks like a lion, Vincent in the new BATB doesn't outwardly look "beastly" save for a scar along the side of his face that mysteriously disappears in later episodes. Of course, this IS the CW TV network, which I call The Pretty People Network. Plus the shows on this network generally "appeals" to a mostly younger female audience, including THIS train-wreck-of-a-TV-show. And why do I call this particular show a train wreck? 

Well, let's get to that, shall we? 

This show starts off with Cat witnessing her mother's own brutal murder when she gets gunned down in front of her. When the gunmen tries to kill her, she is saved by a mysterious "beastly" figure. Some years later, Cat, who's a police detective (in the original, Catherine was an assistant DA), discovers her savior hiding out in his friend JT's place while she and her partner Tess are investigating a case. It turns out Vincent is a former doctor who joined the military after 911 and volunteered for this military experience where he got shot up with this mysterious serum that turned him into a "beast" whenever he got upset or otherwise worked up. Well, it turns out, not only does Cat find out that Vincent was her "beastly" savior years before but that he's also been in hiding for years after faking his own death from the shadowy government outfit called Muirfield that came up with this serum that's responsible for his "beastly" transformation. At first, Vincent  tries to scare Cat off by telling her things like, "I can kill you in just a few seconds." (Ah, those magical words EVERY woman longs to hear!) Of course, the show being what it is, Cat can't stay away from Vincent as she keeps going to JT's place to see him all the while keeping his "beastly" secret. Vincent, in turn, begins stalking, uh, I mean, following Cat and ends up helping her solve crimes. I thought maybe this was going to be the gist of the show sort of like the eighties show. NOPE!!!! This show inexplicably took an 180 degree turn and . . . well, let me give you an example: 

I myself started souring on the show when they actually used domestic violence as a plot point. At one point, Vincent gets kidnapped by a man who turns out to be Cat's biological father who's a rogue FBI agent who seeks to destroy Muirfield and the "beasts" it created. So he wipes Vincent's memory and turns him into a "beast" assassin. Cat, after spending all her time trying in vain to find her beloved Vincent, finally finds him and is distressed to find he doesn't remember her. At one point, she confronts him and demands to know what he's been up to and why he's been missing all this time. And, at one point, Vincent becomes enraged by all her questioning and he . . . well, let's just say she winds up with a huge bruise on her neck. Cat then covers up for Vincent (like she does all throughout the show, by the way) by trying to hide said bruise from friends and family. When Cat's sister sees the bruise and asks her about it (Cat's sister's boyfriend, by the way, was "accidentally" killed by Vincent to which Cat lied to her about), Cat says to her that she must have slept on it wrong or something like that. To which Cat's sister then replies to her something like, "You better be careful or people are going to think you're in an abusive relationship." Seriously, who's writing this show? When she finally fesses up to what Vincent did to her, she again tries to cover up for him (like, again, she does ALL THROUGHOUT THE DAMN SHOW!) by insisting how he's never done that to her before and that he wasn't in his right mind and . . . well, you get the picture, don't you? Even Vincent confesses to his pal JT what he did to his beloved Cat and, though he expresses remorse, he says that she was just asking too many questions for him to handle. So, remember, ladies, according to the "logic" of THIS show, it's OK for a man to become "physical" with you so long as he's got amnesia and/or you ask him too many questions and especially if you're "destined" to be together. Later on, Vincent "abuses" Cat some more when he "beasts up" and causes her car to crash in order to kill her father once he's realized what he's done to him after she arrests him and she's trying to take him in. She tries to reason with Vincent by telling him it's over and that her dear old dad will be sent to jail and whatnot, but, when he's still intent on killing her dad, she actually shoots him. 

Seriously, just who in the hell is writing this damn show? Chris Brown?! 

Aside from the domestic violence aspect of the show (along with all the other violence in the show perpetrated by Vincent; like, for instance, when he rips out another beast's heart of which Cat, being the dutiful cop that she is, helps him cover up), there's also the extreme plot points, the inane dialogue (for instance, Cat tells Vincent upon first meeting him, "You look pretty good for a dead guy!"), the added characters (including another love-interest for Cat named Gabe who's also Cat's boss who's also a beast before he's "cured" who also kidnapped Cat at one point so he could lure and kill Vincent), the less-than-stellar acting, plus the notion that Cat and Vincent--who's also known by inexplicably diehard fans of this show as "VinCat"--is wholly unbelievable as there's absolutely no chemistry whatsoever between the characters. Oh yeah, Cat is also one of the WORST police detectives in TV history as she stops solving crimes and instead spends all her time covering up the crimes committed by her beloved Vincent (by altering evidence connected to his crimes and whatnot). Even Barney Fife would shake his head at the rampant ineptness of Cat as a cop. I mean, she's even gotten people killed on the show while trying to cover up for Vincent. Quite frankly, the only likeable--and believable--characters on this stupid show are Cat's partner Tess and Vincent's "friend" JT who actually both wind up getting together. Actually, Tess & JT's relationship is the ONLY one to root for in this godawful show. But, of course, JT isn't a "hunk" like Vincent (though Tess is a "hottie" like Cat), so they couldn't have their relationship as the one to most "root" for. If I haven't stressed this point already, this show is bad, and I don't even mean "good" bad or "campy" bad. Hell, it's not even good enough to qualify as a guilty pleasure! Seriously, this show has gotten SO off-the-rails I don't think adding George R.R. Martin as a writer could help improve this jumbled misogynistic mess it at THIS point! 

As for the "abuse" angle inexplicably written into the show, I'm not normally one to blame societal ills on so-called popular culture, but, as other critics have pointed out about this show, I wonder how many women in "abusive" relationships, including those that watch this insipid show, have done precisely as Cat and gone out of their way to "cover up" for their "abusive" boyfriends and/or spouses. I mean, Cat is constantly reminding EVERYONE on the show just what a "good guy" Vincent is as if the character is not only reminding herself but is also reminding the viewers since, in any OTHER context, Vincent would most likely be regarded as the bad guy. To be fair, Ron Perlman's Vincent was also prone to violence, but he killed primarily to protect Katherine. He certainly, at least from I recall from the show, never raised a hand to her (although I will admit it's been a while since I seen the show). I would strongly advise TV viewers to not--I repeat--NOT waste their time watching this show and instead watch the eighties original. Me, I only still watch this show--of which I admittedly have only watched in fits & starts since the episode where Vincent gets physical with Catherine--because I'm frankly curious as to how they're going to end this train-wreck-of-a-show (of which, at the time of this writing, is in its third--count 'em!--THIRD season even though there have been far better shows with MUCH higher ratings that have only lasted just one season and sometimes not THAT long!). Frankly, I think the PERFECT way to end this dumbass show is to have Ron Perlman make a cameo as the "original" Vincent where he rips the "new" Vincent's heart out--while Cat watches, of course!--and Cat ends up in jail for aiding & abetting. Of course, I knew the, uh-hum, talented writers of this show will find some unbelievable way for "VinCat" to be together forever. 

Yes, the CW's Beauty & The Beast is truly a love story for the ages . . . the DARK ages!