THEATER OF BLOOD

 

 

 

Theater Of Blood is an old-style horror flick starring the legendary late Vincent Price and co-stars Diana Rigg (who's perhaps best known for her role in the classic TV show The Avengers and in being in a James Bond flick). In this film, Vincent plays a Shakespearean actor who gets routinely harshly criticized for being a "bad" actor. Finally, all the negative reviews causes him to try to attempt suicide by jumping out a window. When he falls down and not only lives but gets confronted by a gang of homeless ruffians, he decides that instead of trying to off himself, he would get even with the aid of said homeless ruffians and his devoted daughter played by Rigg. And get even he does in the most creative ways. My favorite is when he plays the "gay" hairdresser of one of his female critics, complete with big-ass seventies-style Afro wig (this film came out in the early-seventies, in case you didn't already know). He introduces himself to said female critic with a big shit-eating grin on his face and says something along the lines of, "Hi, I'm Butch!" And then he . . . well, you'll just have to watch the film, won't you? Theater Of Blood is not like today's "slasher" flicks and doesn't have nowhere near the level of violence that you always tend to see in today's horror flicks, but that's all right. Vincent Price has always shown in his movies that sometimes less is most indeed more! Plus, as you can see, this movie has a cool-ass poster!

TOP DOG

 

 

 

Top Dog is probably the WORST film starring Chuck Norris I've EVER seen! In it, Chuck stars as a cop who gets partnered up with--you guessed it!--a dog. It was kind of like the Tom Hanks's vehicle Turner & Hooch without, of course, the slobbering dog. Hell, even the James Belushi cop/canine "buddy" flick K-9 was better than THIS! I think this was Chuck's foray into "family-oriented" films, and it SUCKED. And just how bad DID it suck? Well, to say that this movie barks would be an understatement! Woof, indeed!

AN ODE (OR FU) TO SCARLETT JOHANSSON

 

 

 

Quick: Name ONE Scarlett Johansson movie where she was the top star (and, no, The Avengers and Iron Man 2 DON'T count!). Can't do it? Didn't think so! Scarlett Johansson is kind of like one of those girls you "knew" in high school who was "popular" yet you didn't know why (except, of course,  for her ginormous rack!). Sort of like Penelope Cruz, you might say! Oh yeah, she also took nude photos of herself on her cell phone that--of course!--got hacked into and--again, of course!--said nudie photos got plastered all over the Internet. Narcissistic, much, Scarlett? I mean, does she masturbate to her own pictures or something (hey, a guy can dream, can't he?)?

FINDING NEMO

 

 

 

As you know, I don't normally review "kiddy" flicks here, but I got to thinking about this particular "kiddy" flick and how the plot would be if it were an "adult" feature. Here goes: A serial killer attacks a husband & wife and their family and kills everyone save for the father and his disabled son. His disabled son later gets kidnapped and held hostage by this psychotic woman who has a habit of killing her hostages. The son's father goes on a frantic search for said disabled son and enlists the aid of a clearly mentally-disabled woman. The son eventually escapes and father and son are eventually reunited after a harrowing search on both their ends. Actually, this would make an interesting "adult" feature, wouldn't you say?

A SPECIAL FU TO CLINT EASTWOOD & CHUCK NORRIS (OR 2 TEA BAG ASS-KISSERS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!)

 

 

 

Since I've already given a "special FU" to such "liberal" Hollywood celebrities like Alec Baldwin and Will Smith, I figured I'd offer the same "special FU" to their "conservative" counterparts Clint Eastwood and Chuck Norris. First, let's talk about Clint Eastwood. With his recent crazy-ass speech at the Republican National Convention, Clint went from a once-beloved Hollywood icon to a Tea Party ass-kissing moron ala Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain. What was perhaps most astonishing about his "speech" was not its craziness but the sheer ignorance of it; like, for instance, when he said how we didn't "need" any lawyers in the White House (even though about half of our Presidents have been--wait for it!--lawyers and even Mitt Romney has a law degree from Harvard) and saying to the empty chair he was "pretending" to be Barack Obama how he started the "war" in Afghanistan (even though it was Obama's predecessor George W. Bush who, of course, started said Afghani "war"). Some, of course, accused Clint of having a "senior moment" but, judging from his disheveled appearance, I'd say he was having more of a Miller moment, if you know what I mean! Frankly, I think he made that crazy-ass speech because he was assailed by the right-wing (Fox [Non] News, are you listening?) for doing that car ad some months before in which the "right" accused him of being in the tank for Obama (Google it if you don't remember it). Needless to say, apart from the loony-ass Tea Party crowd who usually eat this shit up, the speech seriously backfired on him. Someone should've reminded Dirty Harry that TRUE tough guys DON'T bend over for ANYBODY! Now let's talk about Chuck Norris, shall we? Just a day or two after Clint's crazy-ass RNC speech, Chuck apparently tried to one-up Clint in the batshit crazy Tea Party ass-kissing category by releasing a video with his wife implying how if we "reelect" Obama there'll be a thousand years of socialistic darkness or some such crazy-ass Tea Party ass-kissing shit. But I think that pales in comparison to when Chuck Norris actually stated how, if Obamacare were around when the Virgin Mary became pregnant with the Baby Jesus, she would have more than likely--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--aborted it. Sexist AND blasphemous! I actually used to be a major fan of both Clint & Chuck and, while I'm still a fan of their work (or most of it anyway!), their public persona--at least their recent public persona--not so much. The bottom line is, I don't--I repeat--DON'T need celebrities, regardless of their political affiliation, to tell me what to think, who to "vote" for, etc., etc., etc. As for Clint Eastwood "pretending" to talk to an empty chair like Obama was actually sitting in it, at least Stephen Colbert had the--dare I say it!--balls to actually roast George W. Bush to the man's face (again, Google it if you don't recall it!). As for Chuck Norris, I used to be a major fan of his until he came out with that asinine Walker, Texas Ranger. I prefer the Texas Ranger he played in the earlier-reviewed Lone Wolf McQuade. And, for all you Chuck Norris fans out there, here's a Chuck Norris "fact" for ya: BRUCE LEE KICKED HIS ASS!!!! A sidenote: One more thing about Clint Eastwood's possible motivation for, uh-hum, speaking at the RNC: He just happened to have a new movie coming out when he made said, uh-hum, speech (but I'm sure this had absolutely NOTHING to do with his "decision" to speak at the RNC!). It's also funny how he failed to mention that he's spoken in defense of "gay" marriage, abortion rights and has expressed his "belief" in so-called global warming, which is, of course, all things Mitt Romney has claimed NOT to "believe" in (at least since he's been running for President!). Yep, that sure is funny, ISN'T it? And, lastly, regarding Clint Eastwood's "speech" at the RNC, I can no longer watch a Clint Eastwood movie without seeing Clint talking to that stupid fucking chair (similar to how I couldn't watch a Tom Cruise flick for a long time without seeing the Scientologist D-Bag jumping up & down on Oprah's fucking couch!). Thanks a lot, Clint, you Tea Party ass-kissing PUNK!

SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO

 

 

 

Showdown In Little Tokyo stars Dolph Lungren (who's perhaps best known as the genetically-engineered fighter in that one Rocky flick) and Brandon Lee (who's the late son of the late Bruce Lee who died of an "accidental" gunshot while filming his final film The Crow). SILT marked the American film debut of Lee where he plays the partner of cop Lungren as they try to take down an Asian gangster in L.A.'s Little Tokyo. The film also stars the ultra hot Tia Carrere  (who's perhaps best known for her stint on Dancing With The Stars) as Dolph's love-interest in the film who he tries to protect from said Asian gangster. In spite of the fact that the film didn't fare too well at the box office as it garnered only a limited release as the studio reportedly wasn't too happy with it, I regard it as one of my favorite all-time "cop buddy" flicks. If it isn't in my top five, then it's at least in my top ten. If you like your "cop buddy" flicks mixed with with a little kung fu, then SILT could very well be the flick for you! A sidenote: I feel it's only fair to warn you that the nude scene with Tia Carrere is an obvious body double. There is quite of bit of nudity in the flick, including a scene where men are eating sushi off a naked chick and another rather brutal scene where said Asian gangster beheads another naked chick. Going back to Tia, while she has undoubtedly tried to capitalize on her "sex symbol" image throughout her film career, she didn't do actual nudity until her horridly airbrushed Playboy pictorial some years back. Just thought you'd like to know!