AN ODE TO KARI WUHRER

Kari Wuhrer started off her illustrious career in show bizz on the MTV game show Remote Control (sort of like Jenny McCarthy, you might say!). From there, she went on to star in a series of films, mostly in a state of undress in films that you would most likely see over the weekend on Cinemax (a.k.a. Skinemax), along with a number of TV appearances (such as the popular TV series CSI: Miami). But, although many--or most--of Kari's films show her in said state of undress, she has starred in films without showing moviegoers her bodacious ta-tas (and sometimes also her poonany!); like, for instance, the previously-reviewed Hitcher sequel. One of the main reasons I'm such a fan of Kari Wuhrer--besides, of course, the obvious reasons!--and why I'm paying homage to her here is because she's (so far) been unapologetic about her baring her bodacious bod on-camera unlike, of course, SOME (so-called) female entertainers have done (and, yeah, I'm looking at YOU, Jenny McCarthy!)!

A SPECIAL FU TO ALEC BALDWIN

Just like with Will Smith, my movie blog will also be an Alec Baldwin free zone. Why? Well, let's see: between his beating on wimpy paparazzo and threatening to "stone" politicians--specifically Republicans--and their families on national TV and even threatening his very own daughter after calling her a "pig" over the phone that was, of course, released to the press, which, in typical AC fashion, he seemed to be  far more upset over THAT than what he actually said to his own little girl, plus the fact that he acts as if every single fucking word that comes out of his mind is akin to Moses coming down off the mountain carrying the Ten Commandments on stone tablets is why Alec Baldwin, like his fellow thespian Will Smith, is one major A-Hole/D-Bag and why I'll NEVER review ANY of his movies here (which, of course, I'll bet he'll be totally & completely heartbroken over this fact!)! Of course, Alec's defenders in Hollywood (and let's not forget the media!) will probably say how "talented" Mr. Baldwin is to which I would say: Talent does NOT excuse bad behavior. Before I end my anti-Alec diatribe entirely, I would like to convey a special message to Mr. Baldwin if I may: Alec, if you ever read this (which I sincerely hope you do!), I would just like to suggest that, since you seem so hell-bent on proving to everyone--including, of course, your own little girl--what a bad-ass you are, GO MOUTH OFF TO A HELL'S ANGEL AND LET'S SEE JUST HOW FUCKING TOUGH YOU REALLY ARE, YOU A-HOLE/D-BAG, YOU!!!! Just a suggestion! A sidenote: While the (so-called) left goes after various right-wingers for their various misdeeds (Ted Nugent, are you listening?), one hears nary a peep from Alec Baldwin's fellow leftie Hollywood pals for HIS various misdeeds and whatnot; like, for instance, Alec's 30 Rock co-star Tina Fey offered a "no comment" when asked during her Playboy Interview some years back when asked about Alec actually threatening his own daughter--who was 11 or 12 at the time of his verbal assault against her--in that by-now-notorious phone message. Of course, Miss Fey has no qualms whatsoever about "targeting" other celebs and/or right-wingers, such as Paris Hilton--whom she called "a piece of shit" on Howard Stern's show--and her career-saving turn as Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live. Ain't Hollywood Hypocrisy grand! 

MARCH OF THE PENGUINS

Quite frankly, I wouldn't watch THIS movie even if it showed two penguins 69-ing each other!

SOUL PLANE

Have you ever seen a film where you just know without even watching it that it would just SUCK?

POISON IVY 3: THE NEW SEDUCTION

Here's what you need to know about the Poison Ivy "trilogy" (sorry, George Lucas!): In the first Poison Ivy flick, Drew Barrymore doesn't show us shit (though she does make out with that chick from Roseanne & The Big Bang Theory!); in the second Poison Ivy flick, Alyssa Milano shows us just a little bit more (but, of course, not NEAR as much as she "showed" in the earlier-reviewed Embrace Of The Vampire!); in the third Poison Ivy flick, Jaime Pressly (who's perhaps best known for her role in the TV comedy My Name Is Earl), shows us practically everything she's got (though NOT her poonany; damn it!)! And, just like with Alyssa Milano's Embrace Of The Vampire, be sure to, uh-hum, watch the "unrated" version. Trust me, you WON'T be disappointed! 

MAN ON A LEDGE

To be honest, I have not yet seen this film nor do I ever plan to. Why? Because, even though it stars hottie Elizabeth Banks (of the previously reviewed "Zack & Miri Make a Porno" fame; also, no relation!), I just find it rather difficult to root for a guy--either in film or in Real Life--who's sporting a mullet, you know what I mean?

TWO IF BY SEA

Have you ever seen one of these films where after watching it you wonder just how in the blessed fuck it EVER got made in the first fucking place?

OPERATION DUMBO DROP

Have you ever heard of a movie that you've never seen but you just know without having seen it that it just SUCKS?

AN ODE TO SASHA GREY

Sasha Grey is a former "adult" film actress who's attempting to go "mainstream" like a number of other former "adult" film stars have tried with oftentimes minimal success (Jenna Jameson, are you listening?). Sasha thus far has had top billing in an "indie" flick The Girlfriend Experience where she plays--what else!--an escort and she had a recurring role on the rather overrated "bromance" TV series Entourage where she played the girlfriend of one of the "entourage" members as--what else!--herself. Sasha, as anyone who's ever, uh-hum, watched her former movies can easily attest to, gained an apparently well-deserved reputation in the "adult" film world as one of the more--shall we say--extreme "adult" film actresses (like, for instance, I once saw her in an "adult" flick doing "doggie" with a guy who was actually stepping on the side of her face, which, if you must know, is one of the FEW things I'm not into!). Sasha has also managed to keep herself in the pubic, uh, I mean, public eye by doing things like getting into a pissing contest with Howard Stern and catching heat for daring to read to schoolchildren. (And, yet, people still take their kids to Catholic church. Go figure!) I personally, uh-hum, like Miss Grey--besides, of course, the obvious reasons!--because, unlike some who have been "adult" film stars (Linda Lovelace, are you listening?), Sasha has NEVER expressed regret and/or has bashed her former--again, shall we say--occupation. Whether or not she'll achieve "success" in so-called "mainstream" Hollywood remains to be seen. Of course, if she doesn't become successful as an A-list--or even a B-list--Hollywood actress/celeb, she can always go back to doing what she apparently does BEST! (And, of course, we ALL know what THAT is, don't we, fellas?) A sidenote: Linda Lovelace died in a car accident some years back. Before her untimely death, Linda made somewhat of a comeback (pardon the pun!) in the "adult" business by appearing in one or two fetish-oriented stroke mags, which is, of course, rather odd considering how she was an anti-smut "activist" for a number of years and even claimed how she was forced--even at gunpoint--by her former husband to appear in all those "adult" movies, including the by-now-classic Deep Throat. Of course, Linda Lovelace won't be the last "adult" film star to have a rather two-faced attitude about having appeared in "adult" films. I just hope Sasha Grey DOESN'T follow in Linda's footsteps, at least as far as the anti-porn diatribes go (which I don't think she will, but I, of course, could be wrong!). 

ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter? Really? THIS is what constitutes a "mainstream" Hollywood flick nowadays, huh? I mean, what's next? FDR fighting off werewolves? (Oh, wait a second . . .) Also, what is it with Republicans and their aversion to things that suck? Is there some subtext here we should know about or something? Just asking!

CRUEL INTENTIONS 2

If YOU like, uh-hum, watching rather kinky flicks where real-life twins actually make out TOPLESS in the shower and where cute blond chicks "ride" their horses to completion, then THIS "prequel" to the hit "teenish" flick--where Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair share a by-now-notorious lip-lock--is the flick for YOU! Plus it features ultra hot MILF--and ex-wife of Tom "Batshit Crazy" Cruise--Mimi Rogers, although she keeps her clothes on in THIS flick (damn it!).

A SPECIAL FU TO MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY a.k.a. THE SHIRTLESS DOUCHE

I saw on a TMZ-type show this woman approaching, uh-hum, actor Matthew McConaughey and politely ask Matthew for his all-important autograph. Matthew then--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--raised up his finger at this hapless woman and said, "I'm not feelin' it!" When the woman again asked him politely for his John Hancock, he again raised his finger and said, "I'm not feelin' it!" Then he got in his vehicle and sped off, leaving his inexplicable fan standing there to stare haplessly at the camera and say, "What an asshole!" I also saw a clearly wigged-out Matthew on The Daily Show as he told a clearly befuddled Jon Stewart about the time he watched his pet goat--and, again, I'm NOT making this up!--eating his own jizz. And, as of this writing, Matthew is starring in a male stripper flick called Magic Mike. Is there ANY wonder why I call him The Shirtless Douche? Didn't think so! 

A SPECIAL FU TO ADAM SANDLER

Here's two reasons WHY I'm offering a special FU to (alleged) actor/comedian Adam Sandler: His movies SUCK and that he's "friends" with Rudy "Mr. 9/11" Guiliani. Enough said!

THE FIRST WIVES CLUB

The ONLY thing I even remotely liked about this feminist-ass-kissing flick is that it starred Elizabeth Berkley (unlike in Showgirls, she kept her clothes on; damn it!). Other than that, IT FUCKING SUCKED!!!! Enough said! A sidenote: The author of the book this godawful flick was based on actually died of complications from plastic surgery. I wonder, given the apparent feministic undertones of the flick, would this be considered the ultimate form of irony? Just wondering!

THE LAST GOOD TIME

The Last Good Time is a rather low-key "independent" film about an elderly gentleman who gets hooked up with a rather shady younger woman played by the ultra hot Olivia d'Abo. (I would mention the actor's name, but, to be brutally honest, it's too long and I don't think it really matters what his name is, do you?) What stands out the most about this film is--of course!--Olivia's topless scene where she shows her bodacious ta-tas to said elderly gentleman whom she's staying with. (I would say some more about this film, but, really, after mentioning Olivia's said bodacious ta-tas, I don't think there's really no need to, do you?) 

EXIT TO EDEN

Do yourself a favor with THIS movie: Go to the scene where actress Dana Delany sits on this guy who's on all-fours while she's buck-ass-naked (and I'm, of course, talking full beave here!) and then to the later scene where the very same guy is eating out her poonany. Now you can, of course, watch the scenes where Rosie O'Donnell is dressed in bondage gear (if, of course, you're into that sort of thing!).

THE UNDEFEATED vs. WHO'S NAILIN' PAYLIN?

Hmmmm, which movie do I prefer, uh-hum, watching? The bloviating (so-called) documentary about Sarah Palin . . . or the hardcore "adult" film starring the ultra hot Lisa Ann as the "half-governor" of Alaska and Fox (Non) News blowhard and all-around (fill in the blank for yourself!)? Gee, that sure is a toughie, isn't it?

CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY

I have a question for Michael Moore: If you truly think that capitalism is legalized greed, as you clearly imply in your (so-called) documentary, why then didn't you put this movie out on the Internet FOR FREE?

TRANSFORMERS

I honestly tried to watch this flick UNTIL I REMEMBERED IT WAS BASED ON A FUCKING TOY!!!! Since he obviously loves making cinematic crap like this flick (and don't forget the upcoming Ninja Turtles movie!), I think Michael "The New Ed Wood" Bay's next movie ought to be one of those cop buddy pictures that seem to be so popular with the moviegoing public starring Mr. Whipple and the Tidy Bowl Man. The tag-line could read: "I said DON'T squeeze the Charmin, motherfucker!"

300

You know, if it wasn't for the nude scene with that Terminator chick, this flick could probably easily pass for "gay" porn (not that I, uh, would know anything about "gay" porn, of course!)!

A SPECIAL FU TO KRISTEN STEWART

What MORE can you say about an, uh-hum, actress who once likened being famous to being raped--even though she's been in show business since she was a kid--and who always looks like she's pissed off? PLUS the fact that, at the time of this writing, she's reportedly the HIGHEST paid actress in Hollywood, beating out A-list actresses like Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock. I wonder, does THIS mean she still feels like she's being raped? This is precisely why I'm offering a special FU to Miss Stewart here.  Although I will admit that I liked her as Joan Jett in the rock & roll biopic The Runaways (which I may--or may not--review at a later date). As for those sappy-crappy Twilight flicks, well . . .

HYBRID

Hybrid was directed by noted B-movie schlockmeister Fred Olen Ray and stars noted B-movie starlets Brinke Stevens and J.J. North. The movie is set in a post-apocalyptic world where a merry band of survivors stumble upon this abandoned military facility and they . . . aw, who the hell cares! All you really need to know about THIS flick is that it shows Brinke and J.J. in an uber steamy shower scene and later shows Miss Stevens getting, shall we say, violated by an alien. Enough said!

MORGANA a.k.a. BLONDE HEAVEN

Since vampires seem to be all the rage nowardays (well, them and zombies!), I figured I'd "review" this sexy B-movie Morgana--which was also released as Blonde Heaven--and stars the sexy Julie Strain and Michelle Bauer, who is without a doubt two of my absolute favorite B-movie queens of all-time. In the flick, Julie plays the head of a vampire cult and Michelle is one of said cult's members. But the REAL reason to, uh-hum, watch this film is for the sexy lesbian "love" scene featuring Julie with another blonde chick--whose name I would mention if it wasn't so damned unpronounceable!--and the sexy "love" scene with Michelle and another dude (whose name I don't even care about!).

THE KEY TO SEX

The Key To Sex is one of those films one would see every weekend on Cinemax a.k.a. Skinemax and stars one of my favorite B-movie actresses of all-time Maria Ford. This film contains one of my absolute all-time favorite lesbian "love" scenes featuring Maria and another hot chick outside of a hardcore porno flick. If THAT don't make you want to see this flick, I don't know WHAT will! A sidenote: Quentin Tarantino is also reportedly a "fan" of Miss Ford. And, really, WHO can blame him?

THELMA & LOUISE (a.k.a. ASSAULT OF THE KILLER BIMBOS)

Hey, here's a fun cinematic fact I bet'cha DIDN'T know about: Did you know that the much-heralded Thelma & Louise--directed, of course, by the Alien guy Ridley Scott--is more or less a rip-off of a B-movie called Assault of the Killer Bimbos that was released a few years BEFORE Thelma & Louise? As a matter of fact, there were apparently SO many similarities between the two films--e.g. two women on the lam from the law driving in the same type of automobile--that the producers of the Bimbos flick were reportedly intially planning on SUING the producers of T & L. But, alas, the lawsuit never came to fruition due to financial constraints (not to mention the fact that the producers of T & L, unlike the producers of Bimbos, would have no doubt had major studio support). Of course, what makes this all rather amusing was that Thelma & Louise was lauded as a breakthrough in feminist cinema and/or the characters Thelma & Louise were likewise lauded as the ultimate feminist icons when they were in fact (allegedly) based on characters named--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--Peaches and Lulu from an "exploitative" B-movie with the word "Bimbos" in the title! Besides, nothing says female solidarity MORE than going on a crime spree--including murder--and then driving yourselves off a cliff! 

ANOTHER 48 HRS.

WHY?

ANOTHER STAKEOUT

WHY?