PINK FLAMINGOS

 

Pink Flamingos is the 1972 controversial cult classic directed by noted eccentric film director John Waters. Described by Wikipedia as a "transgressive black comedy exploitation film," the flick follows the perverted exploits of Babs Johnson played by overweight transsexual performer the late Divine (who had starred in a number of John Waters's rather crazy-ass flicks) who lives in a--where else!--trailer park complete with fake pink flamingos in the front yard with "her" rather crazy-ass mother who has a serious egg fetish. Babs and her rivals hold a contest of sorts to see who can "win" the title of "filthiest people alive." And just how "filthy" do they get? Well, this film does end with Divine literally eating a dog's . . . well, let's just say that this is probably the FIRST example of a cinematic shit-eating grin! Oh yeah, there's also the scene where Divine gives uncensored, shall we say, oral pleasures to "her son" after they break into their rivals's home and--no, I'm NOT making this up!--lick their furniture to spread their "filthiness" and get incredibly turned on in the process. If you want to find out what other acts of "filthiness" the characters engage in (which also involves a contortionist at a birthday party who does "tricks" with his sphincter that has to be seen to be believed!), well, you'll just have to watch the damn flick, won't you, you pervs! A sidenote: I saw John Waters give a couple of interviews where he told the tale of how he actually got the law called on him by what I assume was this VERY whitebread family after they actually rented Pink Flamingos after renting another John Waters/Divine vehicle Hairspray--one of Waters's VERY few "family-oriented" flicks that was later remade with John Travolta playing the Divine role (yeah, I know, BIG surprise, right?)--and, since they enjoyed Hairspray so much, they decided to rent another "family-oriented" flick from John Waters, which was, of course, none other than Pink Flamingos! (I wonder if they made it all the way to the "dog" scene BEFORE calling the po-po on him?) With a shit-eating grin of his own (non-literal, of course!), John stated how he himself had never called the law after he saw Forrest Gump running! Frankly, I would've called the law on Mr. Waters after watching Hairspray, but then, that's just me! 



AN ODE (OR FU) TO MEGAN FOX

 

Megan Fox became a household name by starring in those asinine Transformers movies--you know, the flicks based on a TOY line--directed by schlock-meister movie director Michael Bay. Well, she at least starred in the first two until she opened up her mouth and declared said director Bay a, and I quote, Nazi. It probably goes without saying that she was noticeably (?) absent from the third one. Of course, in Transformers, as in pretty much all of her films, she was there to provide the requisite T & A (like, for instance, she gets her bra-laden boobs groped by another chick in the flick This Is 40). Thus far, her only “major” starring role was in the so-bad-it-was-good cheesy-ass “horror” flick Jennifer’s Body. Anyway, between making contributions to crappy cinema--and usually while doing half-naked photo shoots for men’s magazines--Megan has gone-on-record complaining about her “career” and how “hard” it is not only to be a rich & famous celebrity but also how she’s apparently sick & tired of being a sex symbol (again, usually while appearing half-naked in the accompanying photo, er, spread). Of course, as is the case with all other rich & famous celebs who likewise bitch & moan & gripe & complain about being rich & famous (Kristen “Being Famous Is Just Like Being Raped!” Stewart, are you listening?), no one has yet posed (pardon the pun!) the question that would she be “happier” if she were broke & unknown? Or, better yet, if she no longer wishes to be rich & famous and/or to be thought of solely as a sex symbol or eye candy or whatever, why then does she NOT go and do something else (since, of course, no one has “forced” Megan Fox--nor her fellow whiny celebs--to BE rich & famous and/or a sex symbol and whatnot)? In fact, in her utterly fascinating interview in the February 2013 issue of Esquire (complete with half-naked cover shot!) wherein she offers her utterly fascinating take on “important” issues such of the Book of Revelation in the Bible (which she’s claimed to have read “a million times”) and her firm belief in--and, no, I’m NOT making this up!--leprechauns, and wherein she reiterates her stated distaste of being rich & famous and--of course!--a damnable sex symbol, she claims towards the end of the interview how she’d rather be--and, again, I’m NOT making this up!--an archeologist. Which brings me to a suggestion I’d like to offer Megan Fox (and, as always, her fellow whiny celebs who share Megan’s “distaste” of being a celeb): If you’d rather be an archeologist than a rich & famous celebrity, then BE a damned archeologist and stop--I repeat!--STOP bitching & moaning & whining & complaining about living a life that most people can only dream about living! I mean, it’s just like with “normal” people, if you don’t like your “job,” THEN FUCKING QUIT YOUR "JOB"!!!! Just a suggestion! And, FYI, Megan, just wait a few more years and you won’t have to worry about people thinking of you as a “lowly” sex symbol. I mean, you don’t see Sophia Loren--who was the Megan Fox of her day--posing half-naked on the covers of any men’s magazines nowadays, now do ya? A sidenote: I found it rather amusing when I read in the same Esquire article about how Megan Fox’s husband Brian Austin Green--who’s perhaps best known as the rappin’ dweeby teen on the original Beverly Hills 90210--virtually attacks any paparazzo who dares tries to take a picture of him and his beloved wife Megan. Why I find this so amusing is that no one, paparazzo or no, would being giving a flying you-know-what about Brian Austin Green were it NOT for the fact that his wife is Megan Fox! A second sidenote: Apparently Megan Fox has made nice with Michael Bay since, at the time of this writing, she's been cast to play the--what else!--comic book character April O'Neil from the--again, what else!--comic book Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (Please insert your own joke here!)



THE EXPENDABLES

 

The Expendables is an action flick fan's ultimate wet dream as it stars many of the main action stars of the eighties, the nineties and today, including Sylvester Stallone (who also directed the flick), Dolph Lungren (who, of course, co-starred with Stallone in the fourth Rocky flick), Jet Li and current action star Jason Statham (who starred in the earlier-reviewed Death Race), among others. Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger appear in cameos. Mickey Rourke (who starred in the earlier-reviewed flicks 9 1/2 Weeks and The Wrestler) plays a minor--but, I think, memorable--role in this flick. Anyway, Stallone stars as head of a group of elite mercenaries who are "hired" by Willis to take out a Latin dictator along with a rogue CIA agent played by Eric Roberts (similar to the "baddie" role he played in the earlier-reviewed Batman flick The Dark Knight). But the plot of this flick is rather negligible. The main reason to view this particular flick is to watch all these action stars kicking ass & taking names of which they do PLENTY of in this flick! If you're a fan of old-style action flicks, like myself, then you definitely WON'T be disappointed by The Expendables! Really, about the only thing that kind of marred this flick for me is that sometimes the action scenes tended to be a trite dark to the point where it was kind of hard to tell, at least for me, who was doing what to whom. Another thing that kind of marred this flick for me was the scene where former pro-wrestler Steve Austin--who plays Roberts's right-hand man--strikes a woman and then "waterboards" her. Austin, for those of you not in the know, was arrested and placed on one year's probation for domestic violence against his ex-wife. Why in the world someone who was arrested and placed on one year's probation for committing domestic violence against his ex-wife would accept a movie role like this is beyond me. I mean, that's kind of like fallen football star O.J. Simpson writing a book wherein he claimed that he didn't murder his ex-wife but, if he did, here's how he'd do it. (Oh, wait a second . . .)

WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S

 

Weekend At Bernie's is a 1989 "sleeper" hit about two morons whose boss dies on them unexpectedly and they try to make everyone believe that he's still alive for an entire weekend. OK, you have to have a MAJOR suspension of disbelief to be able to, uh-hum, enjoy this incredibly asinine flick. I mean, Citizen Kane it most definitely AIN'T! But what's REALLY asinine was that they came out with a sequel--let me repeat--A SEQUEL a few years later WITH THE SAME DAMN CHARACTERS!!!! Of course, the "dead" character Bernie looks EXACTLY the same as he did in the first one. I mean, this takes suspension of disbelief to a whole new flippin' level! I mean, to make said incredibly asinine flick more entertaining, they could've had Bernie's limbs fall off and the two said morons could've found hilarious ways to keep his limbs attached--like duck tape, perhaps?--and/or have somebody remark about the smell and maybe tell "dead" Bernie that he needed to use more deodorant or something like that, you know? Oh well, I hear these flicks are really popular with the necrophiliac crowd! (Ba-da-boom!) 

DIRTY LOVE

 

Dirty Love is a 2005 film starring, er, actress Jenny McCarthy and was directed by her then-husband at the time (they were divorced, by the way, the very month the film was released). About the only reason I see to REALLY watch this universally-panned flick (this blog's namesake Roger Ebert gave it a rare "zero star" rating and stated how the film was "so pitiful it doesn't rise to the level to the badness") is when Jenny staggers out of a nightclub wearing a rather loose-fitting dress with no brassiere and she has a "wardrobe malfunction" and she inadvertently shows everyone outside the club--including co-star Carmen Electra (who, sadly, doesn't have a "wardrobe malfunction" of her own!)--her bodacious ta-tas and, when she looks down and sees her, er, talents hanging out in full display for everyone to see, she then grabs said bodacious ta-tas and jiggles and/or shakes them in front of everyone before stalking off. Of course, you could want to see this particular flick because you're a fan of Jenny McCarthy! (Excuse me while I go laugh my bodacious ass off!)

PLANET OF THE APES

 

Before there was Star Wars, there was Planet Of The Apes. Planet Of The Apes is the late-sixties sci-fi classic that was based on the book written by some French guy. The film stars the late Charlton Heston, hamming it up as he usually did in his films, and the late Roddy McDowell as one of the apes. Charlton Heston plays an astronaut who, along with his crew, travels in time and crash lands on what they at first believe is an "alien" planet. However, after having their gear stolen from them by a group of "savage" humans while they're skinny-dipping in a lake, they're shocked to discover a group of apes chasing after them on horseback. (I must say, I was kind of creeped out when I first saw this film when I was a younger and it came to the scene that showed a close-up of the apes on horseback!) Heston's character Taylor is captured after being shot in the throat by one of the apes and gets taken to a research facility headed by a female scientist named Zira--played by the late Kim Hunter--and her fiance Cornelius (played by Roddy). Taylor is at first unable to talk due to his throat wound so Zira and Cornelius believe that he's just like all the other "mute" humans. They find out otherwise when he tries to escape and he utters his by-now-legendary line: "Keep your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" He informs Cornelius and Zira, along with the rather treacherous Dr. Zaius (played by the late Maurice Evans), about how he's a "spaceman" from another planet. Of course, none of the apes want to hear it since his tale and his very existence contradicts their "sacred" scrolls written by great ape Ceaser (he's like a simian version of Moses) that says basically the gods made ape in his own image and such. When Dr. Zaius threatens to execute Taylor, Cornelius and Zira hatch an escape plot to set him free. Aided by Cornelius's nephew, and with a sexy female human named Nova--played by the half-naked Linda Harrison--who gets "paired" with Taylor in tow, they take a trip to the Forbidden Zone where Taylor says he came from and, after they capture Dr. Zaius, they take him into this cave where Cornelius tries to prove his "theory" that a man-like civilization existed years before the so-called sacred scrolls were written. For those few of you who haven't yet watched this flick, I won't spoil the by-now-legendary "shocked" ending for you (though you might be able to figure it out by taking a gander at the movie poster above). The movie, of course, spawned four sequels, a TV show, a cartoon, two cinematic reboots (thus far), and even an album. However, the original 1968 film will always be, at least in my view, the best out of all the films (and I won't say anything about the 2001 "reboot" by noted eccentric movie director Tim Burton, all right?).  

HOLY SMOKE!

 

Holy Smoke! is a film where award-winning actress Kate Winslet plays a woman who gets involved with a cult and her family hires this rather creepy "deprogrammer" played by Harvey Keitel (who played a rather creepy cop in Bad Lieutenant) who . . . aw, screw it! The only thing you REALLY need to know about this particular flick is that Miss Winslet is stark-ass-naked in reel after reel of the film. But, then again, name me one film where Kate Winslet WASN'T stark-ass-naked in! I mean, hell, she even showed her goodies in the "family-oriented" flick Titanic (and, just think, everyone thought the film made so much money because of all the special effects and--gag!--Leonardo DiCaprio!). What makes Holy Smoke! different is that Kate shows her full, er, talent in the flick. So, if you want to see Kate Winslet's, er, talent (and you know you do, you pervs!), you might want to watch Holy Smoke! (that is, if you can get over the fact that she's doing the nasty with Harvey Keitel!).

IMMORTALITY (a.k.a. THE WISDOM OF CROCODILES)

 

Immortality--which was also released under the title The Wisdom Of Crocodiles (don't ask me why)--is a pseudo-vampire flick starring Jude Law. And I use the word "pseudo" because it's kind of up in the air whether or not Jude Law's character is a real life vampire or not. The only time in the film when you think he's actually a vampire is when he gets involved with one woman at the beginning of the film whom he saves from killing herself and then later kills her after striking up a relationship with her and then, as they're about to do the deed at his place, he kills her by biting her in the neck and letting her bleed to death. But, unlike other cinematic vampires, he's able to walk out in sunlight and he's able to touch a cross necklace, so there you go. The film is also rather low-key (but then, what Jude Law flick ISN'T low-key in some way?). The film co-stars actress Elina Lowensohn as Jude's love-interest. Elina is perhaps best know for her appearance on the "classic" TV show Seinfeld where she plays the Russian gymnast girlfriend of Jerry's who disappoints Jerry, shall we say, sexually. She also shows her bodacious ta-tas in this flick for anyone who is--again, shall we say--interested in that. Anyway, I think I should note that there's not much action in this flick as there tends to be in other vampire-oriented flicks. In fact, the only real "action" in this flick is the scene where Jude's character takes on a street gang when they try to assault his lady (and is, as one might imagine, my favorite scene in the entire flick besides--of course!--the bodacious ta-tas scene!). But, if you'd like to watch a different type of "vampire" flick, then Immortality (a.k.a. The Wisdom Of Crocodiles) could very well be that "vampire" flick.

THE A-TEAM

 

The A-Team is, of course, based on the schlocky TV show from the eighties. It stars Liam Neesom as "Hannibal" (played by, of course, George Peppard in the TV show), "mixed" martial artist Quinton "Rampage" Jackson in the B.A.--which stood for Bad Attitude--role played by Mr. T and "hunky" Bradley Cooper plays the "Face" character. (I would say who played crazy-ass Murdoch, but who the hell cares, am I right?) Anyway, the film follows the basic plot of the show: an elite military team gets accused of a crime they didn't commit--in the film, the "crime" has something to do with stolen U.S. Treasury plates taken by Iraqi insurgents or whatever (in the show, I don't remember what the group's "crime" was if it was even ever mentioned in the damn show!)--and they go on the lam to try to clear their name. Actress Jessica Biel adds the T & A to the flick by playing the ultra hot federal agent who's hell-bent on tracking them down. The film is actually not as schlocky as the TV show was as it features far more cursing and, unlike the show, the Team actually shoot AND kill people (although the B.A. character in the film has a sort of religious conversation while in prison and has a sort of crisis of conscience about killing people, though--spoiler alert!--that changes towards the end of the film when he's forced to kill one of the bad guys who's about to kill Face). Interestingly enough, there's a brief cameo from the original actor who played the "Face" character in the original TV show (again, I'd say his name here, but I'm too damn lazy to look it up!). Besides the main characters, the movie is also like the TV show in that it's pretty much escapist fare that you'll probably forget about as soon as you finish watching it (although the flying tank scene is pretty memorable!). It'll most certainly appeal to fans of hardcore action flicks even if they had never watch the original TV show.