THE WHOLE NINE YARDS

 

 

The Whole Nine Yards is actually a pretty decent comedic flick starring some A-list--and even some B-list--actors and actresses such as Bruce Willis, the late Michael Clarke Duncan, Amanda Peet, Patricia Arquette, that hot chick from Species, and, oh yeah, Matthew Perry. In the flick, Matthew Perry does his usual Chandler Bing impersonation--Chandler Bing being Matthew Perry's character on that yuppie-suck-fest-of-a-TV-show Friends--playing a dentist who discovers that his wife (played by Patricia Arquette) has hired a hit man--played by Bruce Willis--to off him. Complicating matters is that the hit man moves in next door to Perry's character and Perry's character starts banging the hit man's wife (played by that hot chick from Species). Anyway, in spite of all this, Bruce's character develops a soft spot for Matthew's character and decides not to go through with the hit and, as you might've already guessed, hilarity ensues! Oh yeah, during one scene, Amanda Peet walks around for about 5-10 minutes starkers showing off her bodacious ta-tas. But, really, who the hell wants to see that, am I right, fellas? A sidenote: This movie spawned the obligatory sequel wittingly-titled The Whole Ten Yards. I admit, I haven't seen it yet, though I'm guessing it's not as "good" as the original as is usually the case with sequels (though I do know Amanda Peet doesn't have a 5-10 topless scene but instead parades around in her bra & panties, as if, again, anyone wants to see THAT!).



I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY

 

 

This flick stars Adam Sandler (yes, THAT Adam Sandler!) and the fat guy from King Of Queens (yes, THAT fat guy from King Of Queens!) as two fireman who pose as "gay" lovers for one's insurance policy or some such shit. Quite frankly, the only reason I see to waste, uh, I mean, invest your time in watching this rather asinine flick is for the scene where Jessica Biel (yes, THAT Jessica Biel!) parades around in her underwear in front of Adam Sandler and allows him to grab her boobs (man, is THIS D-Bag, uh, I mean, guy lucky or what!). A lot of gay rights groups got up in arms about this particular flick about its "negative" portrayal of homosexuals (apparently they haven't watched Glee!). The producers of this rather asinine flick also got sued by the producers of an earlier flick called Strange Bedfellows that stars Paul "Crocodile Dundee" Hogan that bears a striking resemblance to this rather asinine flick (as if anyone would want to admit getting ripped off by THIS rather asinine flick!). A sidenote: Jessica Biel once by-now-infamously posed naked for a men's magazine--that wasn't Playboy, by the way--to try to get kicked off that rather asinine "family-oriented" show 7th Heaven (or 7th Hell, as I liked to call it!). Years later she complained in a magazine interview I read of hers how she felt that (my paraphrasing) being too pretty was a detriment to her career. To me, that's kind of like Adam Sandler griping about how being "too funny" was a detriment to his career when, in reality, him NOT being "too funny" was a--that's right!--detriment to his rather inexplicable career! (No offense, Adam!)

SID & NANCY

 

 

Sid & Nancy is a "fictionalized" account of the real-life relationship between noted American "groupie" Nancy Spungen and her boyfriend British punk rocker Sid Vicious (of Sex Pistols fame). To say their "relationship"--which was heavily fueled by heroin--was tumultuous would be an understatement, as is evidenced by this film. Anyone who knows the story of Sid Vicious (played by Gary Oldman) and Nancy Spungen (played by Chloe Webb) knows their "relationship" ended with Nancy being murdered reportedly by Sid Vicious in their hotel room. And I say "reportedly" because some believe that Sid didn't murder Nancy (even though he initially "confessed" to committing the crime). The movie portrays Nancy's murder as more or less "accidental" when Sid plunges a knife into her stomach after a heated drug-induced argument and she begs him to kill her. Anyway, Oldman and Webb drew positive reviews for their pretty much spot-on portrayal of Sid & Nancy, which I feel is the primary reason to watch this flick even if punk rock isn't your cup of tea. One complaint I have about the movie is that, during one scene, Sid Vicious is wearing a T-shirt with a picture of the hammer & sickle from old communist Russia instead of the shirt with Hitler's swastika he was known to wear. The producers of the film reportedly had Gary wear this shirt instead of the swastika shirt because they felt it would be less offensive to viewers. Yeah, right, like Stalin wasn't every bit the murderous bastard Hitler was! A sidenote: Somebody who apparently had a BIG problem with this movie was Johnny Lydon who was Sex Pistols front-man the notorious Johnny Rotten who actually stated during an interview how he approached director Alex Cox and told him how he should be shot for how he portrayed his "friend" Sid Vicious in his film. Johnny even cried during his interview for the Sex Pistols documentary The Filth & The Fury while discussing how he couldn't "save" his friend Sid (which, anyone who is familiar at all with the former Johnny Rotten, knows how that's rather uncharacteristic of him). I also highly recommend reading the book And I Don't Want To Live This Life about the life of Nancy Spungen written by her mother Deborah. The book clearly shows that Nancy had "problems" LONG before she met and dated the notorious Sid Vicious (and I'm, of course, not saying that to be detrimental of Miss Spungen).

A VERY BRADY SEQUEL

 

 

WHY?

THE FLINSTONES

 

 

Never watched it. Never will!

FEMME FATALE

 

 

Femme Fatale is another in a series of rather weird-ass flicks directed by rather weird-ass film director Brain De Palma. I would tell you about the plot, but, seeing as it is a rather weird-ass Brian De Palma flick, well, you get the picture. This flick stars former "supermodel" Rebecca Romijn back when she was still inexplicably married to that Full House D-Bag, uh, I mean, actor John Stamos.  But, really, there are really only two--count 'em!--TWO reasons to watch this flick: 1) Rebecca gets, shall we say, frisky in the ladies room with another hot babe (hey, it is a Brian De Palma flick!) and you get to see what D-Bag, uh, I mean, actor John Stamos inexplicably got to see every night, if you know what I mean (and I'm, of course, quite certain that you do!)! Oh yeah, this flick also stars Antonio Banderas who, uh-hum, earned the nickname Latin Loser, uh, I mean, Lover! (No offense, Antonio!)

FIND ME GUILTY

 

 

I don't know about you, but I'm not a big fan of movies that glorify the mob (which is why I wasn't a fan of the "classic" film The Godfather, although I did enjoy reading the book mainly because I'm a fan of author the late Mario Puzo's writing). And the mob don't get much more "glorified" than in Find Me Guilty which stars--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--Vin Diesel in his first--and, hopefully, LAST--"dramatic" film role. In this film, Diesel plays real life "gangster" Giacomo "Jackie Dee" DiNorscio--hairpiece and all!--who was on trial with dozen of his other fellow "gangsters" in what was reportedly the longest criminal trial in American history where "Jackie Dee" acted as his own attorney. The movie ends with Vin giving the jury an impassioned plea to--that's right!--find him guilty, which they do, and "Jackie Dee" returns to prison to a virtual standing-ovation from the other inmates. Then the film ends with a close-up of Diesel's grinning mug. (For me, the scene before that was even more obnoxious as the brutal newly-freed "gangsters" take to the street and thank the jurors personally as they're leaving the courthouse. Cue audience applause here!) This movie was one of the last films made by legendary film director Sidney Lumet who's directed countless "classic" films (The Wiz notwithstanding!). Why he chose to direct this particular film, and why he cast Vin Diesel in the lead role (was Al Pacino not returning his calls?), is beyond me. As for Vin Diesel's, uh-hum, performance in this film, some prominent film critics actually praised his, uh-hum, performance, including this blog's namesake Roger Ebert. Personally, and frankly, I think Vin Diesel is at his, for lack of a better word, best when he's doing B-movie-esque action films (XXX notwithstanding!). But, come to think of it, maybe--just maybe!--I'm being a bit too harsh on Mr. Diesel. Maybe--just maybe!--I was too distracted by Vin's hairpiece. You think? A sidenote: Giacomo "Jackie Dee" DiNorscio actually died during the making of his biopic. Maybe--just maybe!--he felt a sense of embarrassment both at being a shameless brutal "gangster" and having Vin Diesel portray him in said biopic. Again, you think?



THIEF OF HEARTS

 

  

I've already pointed out how I'm not much of a fan of so-called chick flicks, though, as I also stated, there are exceptions, the 1984 flick Thief Of Hearts being one of them. This film stars Steven Bauer (of Scarface fame) as a "professional" burglar who teams up with fellow "pro"-burglar David Caruso (of NYPD Blue and CSI: Miami fame) in one of his earlier film roles. They end up robbing the house of a prominent children's book author (played by John Getz) and his bored wife played by ultra hot Barbara Williams. Steven's character also steals Barbara's character's rather erotic diary and finds himself becoming intrigued, so much so that he meets up with her and she in turn becomes intrigued to the point that they end up having a hot & heavy affair. This flick has one of sexiest “love” scenes I’ve ever seen. But this is not your ordinary lovey-dovey “love” scene as it starts out with Steven teaching Barbara how to shoot a gun and it escalates with him grabbing her breasts from behind and they wind up--where else!--in bed doing the nasty and Barbara ends up showing every blessed thing she’s got, if you know what I mean (and I'm, of course, sure that you do!)! This "romantic" film also has a bit more action in it than your regular so-called chick flick, so it might be a pretty good choice the next time your gal pesters you about watching a "romantic"-type film (Steven Bauer will probably distract her from the rampant nudity . . . probably!). This film also stars actor George Wendt (of Cheers fame) and was also produced by Jerry Bruckheimer who, as film buffs know, normally produces action-type flicks (such as top-grossing films like Beverly Hills Cop and Top Gun), which, of course, may explain why there's a bit more action in it than, say, Pretty Woman. A sidenote: Barbara Williams also had a pretty nice topless scene in a later movie called--if memory serves--Oh, What A Night where she steps out of a lake--topless--while being spied upon by a younger boy. Just thought you'd like to know!

TWILIGHT (a.k.a. NOT THAT TWILIGHT!)

 

 

This particular Twilight film came out over a decade before that other Twilight flick and stars the late Paul Newman as a . . . well, to tell the truth, I stopped watching--or caring about--this particular flick after the first five or the minutes when Reese Witherspoon (yes, THAT Reese Witherspoon!) parades around topless--let me repeat!--TOPLESS. Needless to say, this was one of Reese's earlier--and, of course, lesser-known--flicks. And, needless to say, she's eschewed doing anymore nudity in films, and she's even pretty much denied that she ever did this film--TOPLESS--to begin with. Oh well, at least she's left us something to remember her bodacious ta-tas by! (And, believe you me, those ta-tas are quite bodacious indeed!)



BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY

 

 

As far as this politically-incorrect movie reviewer is concerned, there's only two--count 'em!--TWO main reasons to watch this dreck, uh, I mean, flick where Renee "The Narcissistic Squinter" Zellweger plays a "plumper" British chick who is vying for the affections of two--count 'em!--TWO British dudes (one of whom is played by noted bad-toothed backseat BJ aficionado Hugh Grant): 1) when Renee "The Narcissistic Squinter" Zellweger gets dressed up in a Playboy bunny outfit and 2) when she slides down on a fireman's pole--while NOT in a strip club, by the way--and her pantyhose-laden "plumper" ass smashes against the camera. (In case you haven't noticed it yet, I have a bit of a "plumper" fetish!) 



FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

 

 

 

To be brutally honest, I will never EVER watch this particular flick about a small Southern town high school football team who are practically worshipped like gods. You want to know why I'll never EVER watch this particular flick about a small Southern town high school football team who are practically worshipped like gods? Because I actually grew up in a small Southern town where the high school football team were practically worshipped like gods (and, if you weren't said god-like football team member, God help you!). That's why I'll never EVER watch this particular flick about a small Southern town high school football team who are practically worshipped like gods!  

THE MATRIX

 

 

When I figure out just what in the blessed fuck this movie is actually about, I'll give it a proper review. Deal?

DIRTY DANCING

 

 

So, let me get this straight, a film about an older man having an, uh-hum, affair with a girl who's not technically, shall we say, "legal" is not only considered a "romantic" film but a "family" film as well? Plus it has an "illegal" abortion to boot? What's next, Deep Throat being regarded as social commentary? (Oh, wait a second . . .) 

KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE

 

 

This movie was a spoof on what was then considered pop culture (and, as you undoubtedly know, it hasn’t improved much since then!). In the final scene, actress Tara Strohmeir (and please don’t ask me how to pronounce her last name, alright?) and her “boyfriend” start making out while watching the eyewitness news and, as things start to get, uh-hum, friskier, the newsman, “seeing” what’s going on, calls in three of the crew and they all start making groaning noises and cheering them on as Tara and her “boyfriend” bump some serious uglies. It’s one of those scenes where you’ll laugh while you’re, uh, doing other things at the same time (and, believe you me, I’ve done plenty of both with this one!)! Oh yeah, the spoof of "Catholic High School Girls In Trouble" is also, uh, hilarious! Yeah, that's it! And, oh yeah: DEEP THROAT!!!! (You'll just have to watch the movie to see what I'm referring to, alright?)



YOUR HIGHNESS

 

 

 

There is one main reason to watch this film: Natalie Portman's thong-laden derriere! Need I say more? I didn't think so!

NINA ASSASSIN

 

 

 

In case I haven't already stated this before, I'm a huge fan of cheesy-ass karate flicks. And they don't come much more cheesy-ass than Ninja Assassin! Actually, this is one of the more elaborately-made "ninja" flicks I've seen (for more on less-elaborately-made "ninja" flicks, check out the earlier-reviewed The Hunted and Enter The Ninja). Ninja Assassin stars Korean pop star Rain as the head ninja assassin Raizo who was an orphan raised by a ninja clan who trains him and other children to be--you guessed it!--ninja assassins. Along the way, Raizo becomes disenfranchised with said ninja clan after they murder his love-interest who's a fellow ninja-in-training who escapes before getting caught and executed as he's made to watch. When he turns upon his master, his fellow ninja attack him and leave him for dead. Needless to say, he survives and wreaks his ninja-esque vengeance upon his former clan. Along the way, he enlists the help of a Europol investigator--who's a female, of course!--who he rescues from being assassinated by said ninja clan and one of her colleagues who are investigating his former clan. Like I said, Ninja Assassin is of better quality than other "ninja" flicks I've watched in the writing, acting and the action sequences (which can get pretty gory at times even for a "ninja" movie, which, in turn, aroused the ire of a number of film critics). That probably has something to do that it was produced, at least in part, by the people who brought you movies like The Matrix flicks (of course, just how good some of those flicks are are likewise opened to debate!). Of course, the real reason to watch a movie like this is not for the plot or the acting but rather for the action scenes. And, in that regard, Ninja Assassin does not disappoint! Plus this flick has one of the coolest movie posters EVER!

IN DEFENSE OF GEORGE LUCAS

 

 

 

In case you haven't figured it out from some of my posts, I'm a HUGE Star Wars fan. However, certain Stars Wars fans, not so much! I mean, some--or most--Star Wars fans griped when George Lucas re-released his original Star Wars trilogy with "updated" special effects, then they griped when Lucas released the prequels and now they're griping because Lucas dared sell his beloved Star Wars franchise to--horror of horrors!--Disney. To which I say: GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!!! To paraphrase William Shatner from that by-now-infamous--and hilarious!--Saturday Night Live "Trekkies" skit during the eighties: "Get a life! It's JUST a movie!" It's certainly NOT something to base your entire life on (as some tend to do). Now I can just hear the Star Wars fans practically screaming at me at this point how dare I say this, especially with me being such a HUGE fan and all. But I say there are far, FAR more important things to get "upset" over than Mickey Mouse taking over the Star Wars helm. In spite of what the D-Bags from South Park may have claimed, Star Wars "belongs" to George Lucas, NOT the fans, and he can therefore do what the hell he wants to do to HIS films, as far as I'm concerned. For the record, the reason why I'm such a HUGE fan of the Star Wars movies is because these movies helped make my childhood a little easier (and, as Forrest Gump might say, that's all I'm going to say about THAT!). That's why George Lucas is kind of a "hero" to me and that's why I myself get a little miffed whenever I hear someone gripe about him; like, for instance, those D-Bags from South Park, one of whom actually boasted in their Playboy Interview how they approached Mr. Lucas--drunk--and told him to his face how much The Phantom Menace "sucked" and how no one should go see it. (Frankly, fellas, I don't think anyone who takes a cinematic dump like the earlier-reviewed BASEketball is in much of a position to tell ANYONE that their movie "sucked," you know?) The bottom line is, Star Wars is entertainment. Granted, some of the movies were more "entertaining" than others (which I will attempt to get into more detail later on), but it's entrainment nonetheless. I know I'm committing "sacrilege" by saying this, but this is MY movie review blog, so there! Not only that, but I bet that those very same Star Wars "fans" who are bitching about Disney now "owning" the franchise--and who might even do a pretty good job making new Star Wars films (did anyone stop to think about THAT?)--would more than likely bitch about George Lucas releasing another Star Wars film himself (especially since he insisted he would make no more Star Wars films). You think? 

DOGFIGHT

 

 

 

Readers of this blog (God help you!) will know that I'm not much of a "fan" of romantic-esque movies (The Ugly Truth not withstanding!), but this is one of the few romantic-type flicks that I actually did, for lack of a better word, enjoy. It stars the late River Phoenix, who died of a drug overdose a couple of years after this film was released, and Liv Tyler as the lovebirds. River plays a Marine named Birdlace who is about to be shipped off to Vietnam who brings a waitress he just met played by Tyler named Rose to this "contest" thrown by his fellow Marines called a "dogfight" where soldiers bring "unattractive" women to see who is the most--again, for lack of a better word--ugly. When Rose learns of what's going on from one of the other "contestants" she meets in the ladies room, she understandably flies into a rage and punches Birdlace's lights out before stomping off. Birdlace, feeling guilty, approaches Rose again to try to make amends. They end up going on a "date" that ends up with them in bed (and, no, I'm not talking about actual sleep!). Birdlace leaves for Vietnam and (spoiler alert!) finds Rose again when he comes back. Dogfight is a rather low-key "romantic" flick that's actually--and this will probably be the LAST time I use this word on this blog!--sweet. Fellas, if your gal keeps pestering you about wanting to watch a "romantic" movie, just pop in this one. With its title, she might think you're watching another one of your "guy" flicks. Imagine HER surprise (and, of course, YOUR reward!)! Enjoy!

KICK-ASS

 

 

 

Kick-Ass is about a "geeky" boy who decides to turn himself into a superhero named--you guessed it!--Kick-Ass. However, he soon discovers that being said superhero is not nearly as glamorous as he envisioned; like, for instance, during his first outing as Kick-Ass, as he attempts to stop a car-jacking, he gets stabbed and then run over by a car. After getting metal pins and other medical implants put into his body ala Wolverine, he continues on as Kick-Ass and allies himself with two other superheroes, an 11-year-old who calls herself Hit Girl (played by promising young actress Chloe Grace Moretz) and her father who calls himself Big Daddy (played by noted eccentric actor Nic Cage who, for some reason, didn't get top billing in the film). Big Daddy was a former cop who was framed after he refused to be on the "take" for a notorious drug kingpin whom is on BD's hit list for framing him. Although BD may dress like Batman, he is anything BUT Bats as he goes through a warehouse and slaughters all the bad guys and he winds up getting set on fire when he and Kick-Ass are captured after being set up by another supposed superhero named The Red Mist who is actually the son of said notorious drug kingpin. Hit Girl also follows in her father's footsteps as she rescues Kick-Ass from some baddies by slicing & dicing them all to pieces. This film, understandably, drew criticism from certain critics who blasted the film for its excessive violence and crass language, especially coming from 11-year-old Hit Girl, among them celebrated film critic--and this site's namesake--Roger Ebert who pointed out how inappropriate it was for a movie like this to be released during a time when you hear about kids killing each other in the news all the time. While i can certainly see Mr. Ebert's point, and while I agree this movie at times can be pretty brutal, the kids-committing-violence plot has been mined before in films, e.g. in the late John Wayne's film The Cowboys where a bunch of young cowpokes--some of whom were even younger than the Hit Girl character--avenge The Duke's death by gunning down all the bad guys responsible for The Duke's death. Plus you can pretty much see about the same level of violence in prime-time TV nowadays. Roger Ebert also pointed out in his review of this film how the average-person-becoming-a-superhero plot has likewise been mined before in previous films, e.g. the late John Ritter's 1980 flick Hero At Large comes to mind. Going back to the film, Kick-Ass teams up with Hit Girl to avenge her father's death. Are they successful? Well, they are, at the time of this writing, planning a sequel, if that should tell you something! In any case, while Kick-Ass might not be for every moviegoer, especially ones who prefer their superheroes NOT to be cold-blooded foul-mouthed murdering vigilantes (The Punisher, anyone?) and who are in fact disturbed by watching little girls commit cold-blooded acts of murder (even if those acts are committed against the bad guys), it's an especially good film to watch for those who get tired of seeing the typical superhero flick (like, of course, yours truly!).