My Non-PC Review of STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS (&, Yes, There's "Spoilers" Included!)

The movie poster for Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

"You know you're about to get your ass kicked by a girl, right?"

"I'm Luke Skywalker, bee-yoch!"

"Hey, Rey, the Millennium Falcon is THIS way!"

  

Darth Vader & Snoke: Separated at birth?

"Aren't you a little BLACK to be a Stormtrooper?"

Meet the Empire, uh, I mean The First Order!

"Chewie, I'm about to be stabbed by my son's lightsaber!"

"I am Jedi! Hear me roar!"

"I'm Finn: ex-Stormtrooper/sanitation worker extraordinaire!"

Captain Phasma: proof a lady boss can SUCK as much as a man!

Good question!

For anyone who's been living under a damned rock for the past several months, Star Wars: The Force Awakens is the long-awaited continuation—notice I didn't say sequel—to the original Star Wars trilogy. Let me preface this review by saying I thought Star Wars: The Force Awakens was a thoroughly enjoyable SW film. That being said, there was hardly a scene in the movie that WASN'T, shall we say, reminiscent and/or borrowed from not only the original trilogy but also the much-panned prequels.

First, here's a basic rundown of the plot: the movie picks up purportedly 30 years after the end of Return of the Jedi. The Republic that Skywalker & friends fought so hard to restore is being threatened by an Empire-like group called The First Order headed by an Emperor, uh, I mean Supreme Leader named Snoke who only appears via hologram ala the Emperor in The Empire Strikes Back. SL Snoke's apprentice is helmet-clad lightsaber-wielding Kylo Ren who, as it turns out, is not only a Darth Vader-wannabe but is also DV's grandson as he is the Force-sensitive offspring of none other than Han Solo and Princess Leia. Luke Skywalker (SPOILER ALERT!) is MIA throughout almost the entire movie until the very end because he feels responsible for Ren turning to The Dark Side while he's training him (and others) as Jedi (and is “influenced” by Snoke much in the SAME way his father was “influenced” to turn to TDS by Emperor Palpatine). Everyone—or nearly everyone, I should say—is looking for Luke because they desperately need his help not only defeating The First Order but also helping the Rebellion, uh, I mean Resistance blow up the Death Star, uh, I mean Starkiller, which is a big-ass space station that is the actual size of a planet and apparently has the power to destroy multiple planets at once. (Diehard Star Wars geeks will undoubtedly recognize the name Starkiller as being George Lucas's original name for Skywalker as well as being a character in a Star Wars video game called The Force Unleashed, if I'm not mistaken.)

And, yes, there's a small chirping robot—named BB-8—whom its master, a wisecracking ace pilot named Poe (not to be confused, of course, with that OTHER wisecracking ace pilot—oh, what WAS his name?), implants him with part of a map that purports to tell the whereabouts of Luke that the Empire, uh, I mean The First Order is also seeking. In the opening scene of the movie (after, of course, we see the obligatory shot of a massive Star Destroyer flying into the frame; I assume they're STILL called Star Destroyers), Poe is handed said piece-of-map by a “wise” elder—whose name I didn't quite catch—who just happens to look—and talk—like Obi-Wan Kenobi. Then the big bad Empire, uh, I mean, The First Order shows up to get into a firefight that somehow resembles the firefight at the beginning of the first Star Wars. And, oh yeah, this all takes place on a planet called Jakku that just happens to look like Tatooine from—you guessed it!—A New Hope.

You already see where THIS is going, don't you?

Along with the original characters, we're introduced to “new” characters. Besides said chirping robot BB-8 (who does resemble a rather familiar robot, but NOT the one you're obviously thinking of, as I'll discuss in a bit), we're introduced to Finn who's the black Stormtrooper—and, yes, they're STILL called Stormtroopers—everyone made such a big fuss over (at least in the beginning when he was first introduced in the movie trailer). Finn—whose name is given to him by wisecracking Poe after he helps Poe escape—has a crisis of conscience after he watches his fellow Stormtroopers cold-bloodedly kill villagers after their boss Ren decapitates the aforesaid village elder (well, at least it WASN'T an arm this time!). Next we meet a young woman named Rey who's a scavenger on Tatooine, uh, I mean Jakku who also turns out to be Force-sensitive (and who's also been likened to Luke, which is rather appropriate since, according to Star Wars lore, Luke was initially a female). Anyway, Finn, Rey AND BB-8 all manage to meet up in that oh-so-coincidental way Star Wars is most known for, although in The Force Awakens viewers, diehard Star Wars fans or no, REALLY have to suspend disbelief, especially how they first meet Han Solo and Chewbacca (and, I must say, while it was still entertaining to watch, I still rolled my eyes when I saw THAT setup). I won't go into any grand detail on how they meet (for those few who haven't seen the film yet), but let's just say out of ALL the spaceships Finn, Rey AND BB-8 could have hijacked while running from the Empire, uh, I mean The First Order it just HAD to be the Millennium Falcon, proving that the galaxy is MUCH smaller than one would think indeed! (And why-oh-why would Han Solo allow himself to be Falcon-jacked like THAT?) Personally, I feel this was all set up this way by the writers so that Han can utter his line that we say ad nauseam in the trailer: “Chewie, we're home!” (Insert audience tears here!)

One criticism I've read from other reviewers of The Force Awakens that I kind of disagreed with was how (SPOILER ALERT!) Rey manages to “defeat” Ren during their obligatory climatic lightsaber battle (while using Luke's famed lightsaber, no less!) even though, unlike Ren, she hadn't been “trained” in the ways of The Force yet. Well, in all fairness to Ren, he WAS already wounded when (SPOILER ALERT!) he got shot by Chewbacca who was understandably upset after Ren KILLED HIS VERY OWN FATHER HAN SOLO WITH HIS VERY OWN LIGHTSABER when Han, at Leia's urging, attempts to bring his estranged son back to The Light Side (sound familiar?). And, after he first knocks Rey unconscious by using The Force to slam her against a tree (nice!) and he engages in a lightsaber fight with Finn (who's apparently NOT Force-sensitive), Finn manages to strike a serious blow against Ren before he gets sliced & diced by Ren. Then Rey wakes up just in time to use The Force to retrieve Luke's lightsaber before Ren can get his hands on it and, though Ren nearly defeats her, she apparently gets her second wind and . . . well, you know the rest (even if you haven't yet watched the film!). At one point we see The Emperor, uh, I mean The Supreme Leader tell one of his henchmen to abandon ship before the Death Star, uh, I mean Starkiller gets blown the f up—in a climatic battle scene that's reminiscent of (surprise!) A New Hope (only on a strangely smaller scale)—and to pick up his apparently defeated apprentice Kylo Ren so he can “complete” his training. Another criticism of Kylo Ren was that he wasn't as “evil” as his famous granddaddy Darth Vader. Well, Ren DID kill his own father. I mean, Darth didn't even manage to kill his own son Luke and wouldn't let the Emperor fry his whiny ass to death as he picked him up with the hand that Luke didn't chop off (seriously, what was up with George Lucas and his apparent fetish for limb-chopping?) and tossed him down into the generator of the new Death Star in Return of the Jedi.

Along with all the rebooting, there are some genuine moments in The Force Awakens; like, for instance, I myself got a tad bit emotional during the scene where Han reunites with his former love Leia. Even Chewbacca walks over and gives her a big hug. Of course, C-3PO has to interrupt, much to Han's obvious chagrin. But, unlike when he interrupted their famous first kiss in The Empire Strikes Back, he seemed to realize his “mistake” and went on about his way, red arm and all (oh, right, SPOILER ALERT!). This was an understated scene unlike many of the other scenes in TFA (I mean, if Leia had said “You got a lot of guts comin' here!” ala Lando Calrissian in ESB I would've walked out of that damn movie theater right then and there!). And then there was the later scene where Han and Leia discuss how they coped after “losing” their son to The Dark Side. This could've been a scene in any other movie where an estranged couple discuss the “loss” of their son to, say, drug addiction or crime or the like. This, too, was an understated scene thanks in large part to the acting chops of Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher. I also rather enjoyed the interaction between Han Solo and Finn and Rey, which I found to be some of the more entertaining scenes in TFA. Of course, I think I can safely speak for the vast majority of other Star Wars fans when I say it would've been nice to see Han & Luke interact with each other before Han--well, YOU know!--but alas that WON'T happen.

One thing I was kind of worried about is that The Force Awakens would be WAY politically correct (and anyone who's read my political blog knows how much I utterly loathe any & all things politically correct!), especially after reading some of the comments made by director J.J. Abrams before the movie came out about wanting more “diversity” in the films since some—or many—have complained about the “whiteness” of the previous films (Lando Calrissian & Mace Windu, take note!). But I was actually relieved there didn't seem to be as much of the PC BS as Abrams would have led people to believe. Some non-PC sites and/or blogs took issue with the character Rey, in particular the scene where, while running from the Stormtroopers on Tatooine, uh, I mean Jakku, Finn attempts to grab hold of her hand and lead her to safety and she scolds him by saying how she doesn't need anyone to hold her hand. Some critics, especially “anti-feminist” critics, have charged that this scene was supposed to strike a blow for feminism. Another interpretation of this scene could be that the character Rey had been living on her own for a long time, according to the story, and therefore had to rely on herself and didn't need—or at least she didn't think she needed—anyone's help. Something else critics have taken issue with—again, especially the “anti-feminist” ones—was how “easily” she was able to fix the Millennium Falcon as opposed to Han Solo who, according to these critics, knew the Falcon inside and out. However, if everyone will recall in The Empire Strikes Back Han could barely keep the ship flying and finally had the ship “fixed” at Bespin (before, of course, he found out his “buddy” Lando had “betrayed” him and the others to the Empire in the by-now-infamous dinner scene where Han shoots at Darth Vader but to no avail). Besides, is Rey being able to expertly “fix” the Falcon and/or being able to fight off Kylo Ren anymore “unbelievable” than Luke Skywalker in A New Hope being able to expertly fly an X-Wing fighter—a ship he'd, of course, never flown before—and being able to use The Force—something that he'd only recently learned the existence of (like Rey, unsurprisingly)—to destroy the dreaded Death Star? Or the charge that Rey was an “expert” shot with a laser blaster even though she didn't know where the “safety” was (seriously, laser blasters have “safeties” on them?), is that anymore “unbelievable” than Stormtroopers being able to hit anyone and everything BUT the major protagonists? Still yet another criticism of the Rey character--there again, largely from the "anti-feminist" critics--was that she was able to "understand" Chewbacca. Hell, I'm STILL trying to figure out how in the Wookie hell Han Solo could understand his furry ass.

Just saying!

However, if Abrams was indeed trying to be PC or “feminist” with the Rey character, I actually think he failed miserably. Why? Well, while she did literally slap Finn's hand away at the very beginning of their burgeoning relationship, later on she runs up and hugs him with tears in her eyes when she learns that he “convinced” Han & Chewie to help him rescue her from the Death Star, uh, I mean Starkiller base. So I guess the not-so-subtle message here is that, in spite of what a woman initially says, she STILL needs a man to “rescue” her. And what the hell was up with all the damned crying from Rey? I mean, she cries about half-a-dozen times in this movie. Hell, I don't ever recall Princess Leia EVER crying, not even when Han Solo was getting his pirate ass frozen in Carbonite in Empire. (Thankfully, there are NO Carbonite-freezing scenes in TFA.) As for the other women in The Force Awakens, there's Captain Phasma, the female leader of the Stormtroopers who ends up “betraying” the Empire, uh, I mean The First Order at the slightest provocation and THEN gets dumped into—what else!—a garbage chute when the MEN are finished with her. (Nice!) And then there's Finn a.k.a. The Black Stormtrooper. At first we're led to believe he's this well-trained warrior when, on the ice planet that houses the Death Star, uh, I mean Starkiller (Hoth, anyone?), we learned that he “worked” in sanitation. Yes, you heard right, J.J. “Mr. PC” Abrams made the ONE black character in his film A JANITOR. Way to be PC there, J.J.!

And, just think, people thought Jar-Jar Binks was a “racist” character!

Overall, I give Star Wars: The Force Awakens a solid B rating. I would, of course, have likely given it a higher rating had it NOT “borrowed” so heavily from the originals and/or the heavily-panned prequels (did you catch the reference to the clones?). I mean, the similarities between all the movies reached the point that it sometimes bordered on parody; like, for instance, the scene where the Rebellion, uh, I mean The Resistance were standing around in the conference room—which, of course, included none other than fish-headed Admiral “It's a trap!” Ackbar from Return of the Jedi—looking for that ONE all-so-important vulnerability on the Death Star, uh, I mean Starkiller and Han Solo quipped how “easy” it was to destroy these things could have VERY easily been a scene from Mel Brooks's “classic” Star Wars parody flick Spaceballs. Hell, even Emperor, uh, I mean Supreme Leader Snoke's visible head scare is in practically the same place as Darth Vader's head scare when Luke takes his helmet off in Return of the Jedi (which have led some to theorize that Snoke is actually—somehow—Darth Vader incarnate, which, of course, ANYTHING is possible in SW!).

In the end, J.J. Abrams did with Star Wars pretty much the same as he did with his Star Trek reboots: he made highly entertaining films that really didn't add much, if anything, to the series. Of course, diehard Star Wars fans—including many movie reviewers who gave this film a high rating—watched this movie through nostalgia glasses, so they were more likely to give its apparent flaws more of a free pass unlike the much-panned prequels. (I read somewhere J.J. Abrams was intially going to make the new Star Wars film more “original” but decided against it because he DIDN'T wish to receive the same amount of shit George Lucas got for his heavily-criticized prequels. But, say what you want about the prequels, which I actually LIKED, at least GL attempted to give SW fans a different cinematic experience than what they got watching the original trilogy, which, of course, is why I feel a lot of SW fans got “upset” about the prequels, but I digress.) Hopefully the next Star Wars flick WON'T be a retread of The Empire Strikes Back—and with that literal cliffhanger ending where Rey presents the newly-found Luke with his very own lightsaber I'm not too sure (Luke meeting Yoda at Degobah, anyone?)—and the newer characters, especially with Finn and Rey, will get fleshed out more. (We already know quite a bit about Kylo Ren whose backstory—that unsurprisingly mirrors his granddaddy Darth Vader—could have been made into its very own trilogy.) It probably goes without saying that both Finn and Rey will have some long-lost “personal” connection to one or more of the original characters; like, for instance, Finn will be Lando's long-lost son—as some people have surmised—and Rey will probably turn out to be Yoda's long-lost cousin or something and that's why she's so Force-sensitive (hey, with SW you know ANYTHING can happen!). 

I think TFA's biggest sin is that J.J. Abrams played it WAY too safe in terms of doing something more original with the film given the franchise's history of cinematic innovation (and, yes, that also includes the overly-panned prequels). Of course, I'm sure corporate behemoth Disney--who, as you probably already know, also "owns" Marvel and a whole slew of other entertainment entities (which, of course, could explain a lot!)--probably had at least a little something to do with THAT since they obviously wanted a return on their huge investment (which they apparently got as Star Wars: The Force Awakens was one of the biggest if not the biggest box office hits of all-time).

Oh yeah, earlier I mentioned about how the robot BB-8 looking similar to another robot. Back in the late-seventies Disney—which, of course, bought the Star Wars franchise from SW creator George Lucas a few years back for a paltry $4 BILLION (most if not all of which Lucas reportedly donated to charity)—released their very own space movie in a blatant attempt to try to cash in on the Star Wars craze that was going on at the time—which didn't quite work out as well for them—called The Black Hole. Anyway, in TBH, there was a robot named Vincent that bore a striking resemblance—albeit a cheesier resemblance—to BB-8. Here's a picture of both robots and you can decide for yourself:

BB-8 or . . . 

Vincent?

Lastly, for those getting "upset" about Star Wars: The Force Awakens (along with the universally-panned prequels, which, again, I really LIKED), and even those who've highly praised this flick in spite of its apparent flaws, I'd just like to remind everyone that, at the end of the day, Star Wars is STILL a movie about a bunch a guys (and gals!) flying around in spaceships blowing shit up, OK? (And I can say THAT since I am a lifelong Star Wars fan as I saw the original trilogy when they first came out back in the seventies,) 

May the Schwartz, uh, I mean the Force be with you!

A sidenote: Some diehard Star Wars fans were reportedly "upset" when others decided to "leak" online and elsewhere about the fate of beloved smuggler Han Solo (including a guy who actually had the fate of Han literally spelled out on the back of his truck), and this even reportedly included, believe it or not, death threats (such as rightie commentator Katherine Timpf who made a "joke" about Star Wars and its sometimes rabid fans while appearing on Fox (Non) News about how she didn't want to watch a bunch of nerds hitting each other with nerd sticks, which I found rather amusing myself). Anyway, apart from the fact you can see the scene were Han meets his fate coming a mile away in the movie, Harrison Ford spilled the beans himself about his character before TFA came out on Conan O'Brian's talk show when he appeared with director J.J. Abrams, saying how he ONLY agreed to reprise his celebrated role if J.J. agreed to--you guessed it!--killed off his character (and, of course, pay him a buttload of moo-lah as Ford was reportedly paid far more than his co-stars in TFA). And, if you watch the clip, you can see a visibly nervous J.J. Abrams literally squirming in his seat next to Harrison as he spills the beans about Han's fate. Whoops!

Here's another video review of TFA (from YouTube) that's less-than-"positive" than mine:

Here's why the new all-female Ghostbusters movie will bomb (from YouTube)

I actually laughed my ass off at this video thinking that someone had the balls to put this out in THIS politically correct age. I myself don't plan to watch this movie for the SAME reason I don't plan to watch, say, American Sniper or the last Mad Max movie because the producers of these films attached a "message" to these films even though they're technically supposed to be an action and/or a comedy film. When I see a comedy film I want to laugh just like when I watch an action film I want to see shit get blown up. The LAST thing I want is for there to be some "political" message tagged on even if it's a message that I happen to agree with. Besides, those damned SJWs--and we all know how much I just LOVE that group!--have praised BOTH the new Ghostbusters and the last Mad Max movie, so that's enough to turn me off to BOTH films. Besides, I wasn't that big a fan of the original Ghostbusters, so there you go!