BATMAN

Batman is the 1989 theatrical version of the legendary comic book character directed by noted eccentric film director Tim Burton. The film stars Michael Keaton--who had previously starred in the title role of Tim Burton's earlier film Beetlejuice--as Bruce Wayne/Batman and Jack Nicholson as Batman's archenemy The Joker. The film shows billionaire Bruce Wayne as he begins his "moonlighting" as the Caped Crusader in his quest to fight crime in the fictional city of Gotham, the very crime that led to him witnessing the shooting deaths of his mother and father during a robbery as a child (which we see in flashbacks). Also in the film, we see the origins of The Joker who starts off being a murderous henchman of a major Gotham crime lord. During a fight with Batman, the future Joker falls in a vat of acid and winds up with a permanent smile on his face and all but winds up insane, which, of course, makes him all the more dangerous. Not only that, but Bruce Wayne figures out it was The Joker--back when he was a low level criminal--who had murdered his parents, which, of course, makes him all the more determined to stop the murderous clown. The issue I've always had with the Batman character is that he's either made too campy (ala the classic sixties TV series starring Adam West in the title role) or he's made too serious (ala the Christopher Nolan films with notoriously intense actor Christian Bale in the title role). I think Tim Burton's Batman finds the perfect balance of camp and seriousness. I also felt Jack Nicholson made the perfect Joker (some Batman fans, of course, might cite the late Heath Ledger's performance as The Joker in Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight as being the all-time best, but I digress). Of course, an added bonus to the film is that there's no Robin ("Holy annoyances, Batman!")! And it's most certainly a damned sight BETTER than the hilariously campy Batman & Robin (which starred incredibly miscast George Clooney in the title role and pretty much killed the Batman franchise until Christopher Nolan rebooted it with his Batman Begins)! A sidenote: Diehard Batman fans took serious issue with the casting of "comedic" actor Michael Keaton as Batman, at least initially so, but most eventually warmed to him when they saw his performance as The Dark Knight in both Batman and its darker sequel--which, of course, was also directed by Tim Burton--Batman Returns (which also DIDN'T include Robin!). Batman was also noted for its breaking box office records at the time and also for beginning the "trend" of "darker" superhero films. (I'll, of course, let YOU decide if that's a good or a bad thing, OK?) 

ONE FOR THE MONEY

One For The Money is a 2012 action "comedy" that stars Katherine Heigl (of Grey's Anatomy fame). In the film, Katherine plays a down-on-her-luck former--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--lingerie seller who turns to--and, again, I'm NOT making this up!--bounty hunting to help makes ends meet. She goes after a former flame of hers--whom she once ran over with her car on purpose--who's an ex-cop wanted for murdering a suspect. While she believes he's guilty of the crime he's accused of, at least at first, she finally reluctantly agrees to help him prove his innocence. The film, though it does have its entertaining moments, is pretty formulaic and has a nineties feel to it. The main reason to watch this particular flick is for Katherine Heigl's performance. Although she might not have the best reputation in Hollywood (Anne Hathaway, are you listening?), I myself have long been a fan of Katherine Heigl even back during the days she was starring in such low-budget cinematic fare like Bug Buster (co-starring the guy who played Sulu on Star Trek). I would recommend this film for diehard Katherine Heigl fans and/or if it's a slow night and you've got nothing better to watch. Oh yeah, there's also a sexy shower scene in this flick that, while Katherine doesn't show EVERYTHING, she comes pretty damn close!   

Here's a clip of the Katherine Heigl shower scene from One For The Money (enjoy!): 

HALLOWEEN II (the Rob Zombie remake)

Halloween II is the sequel to rocker-turned-film-director Rob Zombie's controversial remake of John Carpenter's late-seventies horror classic. The film, for those few of you who have never seen or heard of the Halloween flicks, further documents notorious mask-wearing murderer Michael Myers. The sequel focuses less on Michael and more on Laurie who is Michael's long lost sister (who was played by actress Jamie Lee Curtis in John Carpenter's film and following sequel along with two other sequels). The film begins showing the aftermath of the first film where Laurie shoots Michael and she gets sent to the hospital while Michael "escapes" out of the ambulance he's being carried off in. Just like in the first sequel, Laurie "imagines" Michael is stalking her while she's in the hospital. She and everyone else involved with the case believes Michael is dead. However, unbeknownst to Laurie, not only is Michael still alive and continuing his gruesome killing spree on his way back to her but she also learns that she is Michael's long lost sister after reading Dr. Loomis's book--Dr. Loomis being, of course, the doctor who "treated" Myers before his bloody escape from the loony bin--about Michael's bloody killing spree. It probably goes without saying that Laurie is none too happy finding out about this and it ends up seriously screwing with her head. Michael ends up kidnapping Laurie and takes her to an abandoned shed. Throughout the movie, Michael sees visions of his mother along with his younger self who "instruct" him on what do to. While in the shed, Laurie also "sees" their mother and her younger brother who likewise "instructs" her what to do. To make amends for what he's done, Dr. Loomis enters the shed while the police is surrounding the shed with their guns drawn and tries to convince Michael to let Laurie go. Now there's two different endings to this flick. The theatrical version--spoiler alert!--shows Michael stabbiing Loomis literally to death before being shot by police. Laurie then grabs Michael's knife and, after telling him that she "loves" him, stabs him to death before stepping outside the cabin while wearing Michael's infamous murder mask. The "alternate" ending, the one which Zombie reportedly preferred (and another spoiler alert!), shows Michael gripping Dr. Loomis in a bear hug outside the shed before removing his mask and showing his face (something he, of course, has NEVER done in any of the earlier films) and he says "Die!"--his first works EVER spoken--and fatally stabs Loomis. The police then shoot him down. Laurie then steps out and grabs Michael's knife and walks over to the lifeless body of Dr. Loomis. As she's staring down at the doctor's body while holding her dead brother's bloody knife, one of the cops inexplicably shoots her. Both endings show Laurie in a loony bin imagining her mother walking towards her next to a white horse. Frankly, I prefer the theatrical ending myself since I think it makes Michael Myers LESS scary unmasking him and showing the actor's face (the actor in this case being former pro-wrestler Tyler Mane who played mutant villain Sabretooth in the very first X-Men movie). Plus it didn't make much sense, at least for me, to have Laurie shot by police and THEN showing her in the nut house or whatever (so does THAT mean she only "imagined" her encounter with Michael like she did in the hospital?). Again, frankly, I think Rob Zombie likes screwing around with moviegoers (as he seemingly did in his notoriously nonsensical the earlier-reviewed Lords Of Salem flick). However, in spite of the two vastly different endings, I still think Rob Zombie's Halloween II is a pretty decent--albeit gory-as-hell--remake of the classic film (which, I must admit, I wasn't the biggest fan of to begin with). It was certainly a hell of a lot better--again, at least to me--than the rather crappy sequels throughout the eighties and nineties (with the exception of H2O which marked the return of Jamie Lee Curtis in the Halloween franchise and which would have to be my all-time favorite Halloween film). And DON'T get me started on that godawful third Halloween sequel which didn't even feature Michael Myers at all. Even WITH the rather questionable "alternate" ending, Zombie's Halloween sequel was certainly a hell of a lot better than THAT! A sidenote: Halloween fans will probably know there was likewise an "alternate" ending to the first Halloween sequel that was shown on TV known as the TV cut. Maybe--just maybe!--Rob was paying "homage" to this by filming an "alternate" ending to his own Halloween sequel. You think? There was also a grisly murder "connected" to the first Halloween sequel where a deranged man by the name of Richard Delmer Boyer repeatedly stabbed elderly couple Francis and Eileen Harbitz to death back in 1982. It was revealed in court that Boyer suffered from hallucinations and that he had seen Halloween 2 while under the influence of PCP, marijuana and alcohol. Boyer was convicted and sentenced to death. The case became known in the press as the Halloween II Murders when the flick became the first motion picture in American legal history to be entered as "evidence" in a murder trial. Predictably, the brutal murders caused SOME "moral" critics to call for ALL horror/slasher flicks to be--that's right!--banned. Good thing that DIDN'T happen! Actually, I think Rob Zombie or somebody ought to do a movie about this, wouldn't you agree?

Here's a video someone posted on YouTube combining both the theatrical and alternate endings of Rob Zombie's Halloween II that I found rather interesting: 

NINJA

Ninja is a 2009 martial arts film about an orphaned American who was left at a dojo in Japan when he was a child and trained in the ways of the--you guessed it!--ninja. (Ninjas, for those of you needing a history lesson, were mercenaries and/or assassins who operated back in feudal Japan until they were completely outlawed by the Japanese government and forced to operate underground. Or something like that!) Anyway, the plot of Ninja has been seen in countless other martial arts/ninja flicks: the American has a heated rivalry going with another member of the dojo. When said rival is ousted by the sensi for disobeying the rules, he becomes a brutal assassin-for-hire who vows revenge against the dojo who ousted him. He also wants a "secret weapon" that the dojo is hiding so it doesn't all into the wrong hands. When the ousted member comes to the dojo and makes a not-so-thinly veiled threat, the sensi asks the American and his daughter--whom said American has the apparent hots for--to take said "secret weapon" to a "friend" of his for safe-keeping. Along the way, they get violently attacked by the thugs who work for the underground crime organization that the ousted dojo member works for who end up killing the sensi's friend. The American and the sensi's daughter gets arrested by police for the murder. While they're being interrogated by police, the ousted dojo member breaks into the police station--after he attacks the dojo and ends up killing his former sensi--where he kidnaps the girl. After going after the crime organization his rival works for, the American offers the "secret weapon" in exchange for the girl. You can probably figure out the rest here, can't you? Actually, in spite of its familiar plot, Ninja is for the most part a pretty decent martial arts film and not nearly as cheesy as I thought it would be. It helped that the acting was actually better than what one normally sees in a flick like this (and, believe you me, the acting in at least some of these flicks tends to be sub-par at best!). Plus the fight scenes--and, of course, there are plenty of them--are actually well-choreographed. For those who are into martial arts/ninja films, Ninja might be worthy of a look (especially since they don't seem to make as many of these type of flicks as they used to).

TUCKER & DALE VS. EVIL

Tucker & Dale vs, Evil is a 2010 horror/comedy film--from Canada, no less!--about a couple of good ol' boys who get mistaken for serial killers. While on "vacation" at their "vacation" home (which is really a beat-down cabin in the woods!), Tucker & Dale come across some snooty college kids who immediately look down their noses at them. One night while they're doing some night-fishing, Tucker & Dale catch one of the hot college chicks falling into the lake and hitting her head on a rock knocking her unconscious while she and her friends are out doing some late-night skinny-dipping. So they decide to take her back to their cabin and nurse her back to health. Of course, her snooty college friends mistakenly believe that the rednecks kidnapped her to do unspeakably horrible things to her. So they take it upon themselves to "rescue" her from said redneck degenerates. This, of course, doesn't go none too well for said snooty college kids; like, for instance, when one of them makes a run at Tucker while he's throwing some old wood through his wood chipper and, just when Tucker turns around, the snooty college kid falls headfirst into the wood chipper. Hilarious! Anyway, it turns out that the "leader" of the college group harbors a serious grudge against any & all rednecks/hillbillies as his mother was the lone survivor of what was known as the Memorial Day Massacre where a hillbilly serial killer went on a murderous rampage in the very same woods 20 years earlier. And things go from bad to worse as he and his college buddies "accidentally" set fire to their cabin when they again try to "rescue" her and the head college guy kidnaps the girl when he believes she's "gone hillbilly" and Dale goes and rescues her. One of the things that makes Tucker & Dale vs. Evil so funny is that it pokes fun at all the horror flicks over the years where the killers are usually--you guessed it!--psychotic hillbillies. And, yes, there's enough hardcore gore in this flick to satisfy even the more ardent horror flick fan! Best line in the flick (from Dale): "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I'm not hung like a bear!" Second best line (from Tucker): "He's heavy for half a guy!"

Here's a video collection of some of the best clips from Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (from YouTube):

ZOMBIE NIGHT

Zombie Night is a 2013 horror flick released by film production company The Asylum, which is the company that produces all these cheesy horror/sci-fi flicks you tend to see on the Syfy channel such as the, uh-hum, classic Sharknado. Asylum flicks usually features stars who are, shall we say, past their prime, and Zombie Night is no different in that regard as it stars Daryl Hannah (of Splash and both Kill Bill movies) and former child star Anthony Michael Hall (of The Breakfast Club fame) along with the guy who played the best friend in that Ferris Bueller flick. Anyway, to be honest, I wasn't expecting much from this flick because, as I believe I've posted before, I'm not the biggest fan of zombie flicks--with exception, of course--as they all tend to be so damn repetitive. And the "plot" of Zombie Night is also no different in that regard as it shows the inhabitants of a town trying to survive a sudden zombie horde that inexplicably begins one night (with corpses rising from the grave, dead people turning into zombies, the usual). In spite of the fact that we've seen this very same "plot" in countless zombie flicks before, Zombie Night actually turned out to be a pretty entertaining film; again, in spite of the fact that I'm not the biggest "fan" of zombie flicks. It helped that it had more higher-caliber stars that what you normally see in Asylum flicks (like, for instance, "stars" who appeared in cheesy nineties TV shows like Beverly Hills 90210 and Baywatch). Truthfully, I initially primarily watched this flick because it starred the lovely Daryl Hannah whom hasn't starred in too many films since she made a big splash (pardon the pun!) in the second Kill Bill movie (remember that awesome sword fight between her and Uma Thurman, which, to me, was the best part about the movie). There's also a couple of--dare I say it!--rather heartbreaking scenes in this film; like, for instance, when Daryl Hannah's character is forced to shoot her mother--played by the actress who played the mom on the classic TV show The Partridge Family--in the head after she suddenly dies of a heart attack and then--of course!--comes back to life as a dreaded zombie. Of course, Zombie Night won't be considered a classic film, zombie or otherwise, but, for someone who is a diehard (again, pardon the pun!) fan of zombie fans, they could do FAR worse than Zombie Night (and, believe you me, I've seen some pretty damn cheesy zombie flicks!).

Here's the trailer to Zombie Night (from YouTube):

DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE

DOA: Dead Or Alive is a 2006 "karate" film based on the video game of the same name. The film stars noted TV and movie stars Jaime Pressly and Eric Roberts along with an assortment of hot scantily-clad kick-ass chicks! The "plot" of this flick, such as it is, involves a group of (so-called) martial artists who get "invited" by this "evil" rich dude--played by Roberts (of course!)--to compete in this martial arts competition called--you guessed it!--Dead Or Alive. The "contestants" include . . . aw, who the hell cares! All you REALLY need to "know" about THIS flick is that it features a bevy of, like I said, hot scantily-clad ass-kicking chicks, including Miss Pressly (again, of course!)! I'm not sure if the ladies did all or most or part of their stunts in this flick, but, again, WHO CARES! Picture a cross between Enter The Dragon and Mortal Kombat--only with LOTS more T & A!--and you'll get an idea of what THIS flick is like, OK? Oh yeah, Eric's character is planning to take over the world or something with these computer-enhanced sunglasses that can predict another fighter's moves or some such thing. I'd just thought I'd throw that out there for those who actually "care" about the "plots" of flicks like this. In the end, DOA: Dead Or Alive may NOT be regarded as among the greatest martial arts movies of all-time (like, say, Enter The Dragon starring the late great Bruce Lee), but, there again, with THIS much T & A chances are you WON'T care! I know I sure didn't! (Yeah, I know, I'm a perv!)

Here's the "introduction" scene of Jaime Pressly's character in DOA (from YouTube): 

GRUDGE MATCH

Grudge Match is a 2013 movie starring Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro. In the film, Stallone and De Niro star as two aging boxing rivals named Razor and Kid, respectfully, who agree to one last boxing match that they agreed to fight years earlier but didn't when Razor abruptly "retired" from boxing (which isn't totally explained in the film, by the way). Apart from their boxing rivalry, there's other bad blood between Razor and Kid as Kid slept with Razor's girlfriend and wound up getting her pregnant. Kid's grown son meets with his father after his mother finally told him the truth about him after her husband who had raised him passed away and he agrees to train him for the fight much to his mother's chagrin since she hates Kid's guts. Razor at first refuses to fight his old boxing rival when the offer is first presented to him by a younger boxing promoter named Slate (played by comedian Kevin Hart) whose boxing promoter father had screwed him over financially. He reluctantly agrees because he needs the money in order to properly take care of his ailing boxing trainer (played by Alan Arkin). Along the way, Razor reunites with his ex-girlfriend to find exactly why she ended up sleeping with and getting pregnant by his boxing rival Kid. (Razor's girlfriend is played by Kim Basinger. It's actually nice to see her in a film since she's starred sporadically in movies in recent years. Personally, I feel Miss Basinger is a rather underrated actress who I feel would have had a bigger movie career had she NOT gotten hooked up with that bullying, child-abusing, homophobic D-Bag Alec Baldwin, but I digress.) The climatic boxing match between Razor and Kid might be a bit predictable--although there is a twist to the fight on Razor's part (which I, of course, won't reveal here!)--but it's still entertaining to watch. Of course, Stallone and De Niro have both starred in two of the most famous and most beloved boxing movies of all-time, namely Rocky and Raging Bull; again, respectfully. And, though Grudge Match will most likely not be as famous or as beloved as those films, it's still a pretty entertaining little film nonetheless and is a flick that I feel hasn't gotten its just deserts, at least in my view. And, while it's entertaining to watch Stallone and De Niro's interactions in the film (they starred together previously in Cop Land), I think the most enjoyable part of the films are the highly comical interactions between Alan Arkin and Kevin Hart, though they are few and far between, at least in my view. There's also a highly comical post-credits scene which actually reunites boxing legends Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield as Slate tries to convince them to do a "reunion" boxing match. (Tyson, if you'll recall, infamously bit off Holyfield's ear during their one & only boxing match together.) And, again, you'll just have to watch to movie to see how THAT goes!

DETENTION OF THE DEAD

Detention Of The Dead is a 2012 horror "comedy" which is just as it sounds. This flick has been described as a cross between The Breakfast Club and Night Of The Living Dead. And that pretty much describes it. But, for those who haven't figured out the plot of this flick by now, a group of high school students in detention--a jock, a cheerleader, a nerd, a bully, a goth chick and a stoner (yes, just like in TBC!)--all of a sudden have to fight off a zombie horde when a zombie virus inexplicably decimates their school. A couple of the scenes are an apparent rip-off of TBC: the scene where some of the students fall through the vents and the scene where they bare their souls to each other or whatever. My own personal favorite character in the film is the "goth girl" Willow played by actress Alexa Nikolas who's best known for her role in the Nickelodeon TV show Zoey 101 and in the--of course!--zombie TV show The Walking Dead (in which her character was killed off after only appearing in a few episodes, by the way). She was kind of like the Ally Sheedy character in TBC, though not as, shall we say, intense. (Alexa is also known for a picture that surfaced online of her kissing Vanessa Hudgens, of which she also appeared in a music of Vanessa's, but I digress!) I believe I've stated before on this blog how I'm not the biggest "fan" of zombie flicks and/or TV shows, but Detention Of The Dead at least attempts to do something different in the zombie genre (which, in my opinion, is more or less a rip-off of George Romero's late-sixties zombie classic Night Of The Living Dead), and it's actually not a bad film as far as zombie "comedies" go. If you're a fan of The Breakfast Club AND Night Of The Living Dead (with a bit of The Faculty thrown in!), then Detention Of The Dead could very well be the flick for you! Best line in the flick (from Willow, of course!): "Everyone in this school knows you've got a mouth that could suck start a jet engine." Second best line in the flick (again, from Willow!): "Goth chicks kick ass!"

Here's a clip of Willow from Detention Of The Dead (from YouTube): 

THE PACKAGE

The Package is a 2013 action film starring pro-wrestler Steve Austin--who's, of course, known in the wrestling world as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin--and Dolph Lundgren (of Rocky fame). This is their first cinematic outing since the Sylvester Stallone vehicle The Expendables (although they weren't in any scenes together in that film). In this film, Steve Austin plays a mob enforcer whose mob boss offers him a job in order to clear his incarcerated brother's huge debt to him. The "job" is to deliver a "package" to a man who's known as The German--played by Dolph as his usual sinister self--without telling him what the package specifically is. Steve's character agrees to the job, thinking it to be a simple one. However, he soon finds that the job is anything BUT simple as he's attacked by a group of mercenaries who wants to take the package from him. Austin's character, of course, fights his way through the mercenaries and other hired gunmen until he is finally apprehended by The German's henchmen. It turns out the package was a ruse to get Steve's character in the clutches of The German because, for one, both characters have an apparently unpleasant history together after having a major fallout when they both served in the military (although we don't find out precisely what that "history" was), and two, The German is apparently dying from a rare blood disorder and he desperately needs a blood transfusion from Steve's character who turns out to be the only blood match to his as they both happen to share the same ultra-rare blood type. I, of course, won't say how the film exactly ends and/or which character wins (although you can probably pretty much tell that for yourself). Even though the film was nowhere near as popular or as well-known as The Expendables (it was a direct-to-video release), it's still a pretty decent action flick with plenty of fight and/or gunplay scenes to satisfy even the most ardent action flick fan. Steve Austin actually makes a pretty passable action star, although he arguably isn't as good as, say, his fellow pro-wrestler Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson who's become a pretty popular action film star himself since "retiring" from pro-wrestling, but he's still got some at least halfway decent acting chops, at least as far as B-movie-esque action films like The Package goes (at least in MY oh-so-humble view!).  

CYRUS: MIND OF A SERIAL KILLER

Cyrus: Mind Of A Serial Killer is a rather unique horror film about a serial killer named--you guessed it!---Cyrus who's known as "The County Line Cannibal." A Geraldo Rivera-esque reporter--played by noted horror film actress Danielle Harris (who actually resembles actress Jennifer Love Hewitt who herself is an alumnus of horror flicks)--wants to do a story on Cyrus, so she along with her cameraman travel to the small town where Cyrus lived to talk to his rather weird friend--played by Lance Henriksen (of Aliens fame)--where he agrees to talk with her on the condition that she not air any of the footage. Of course, she agrees to his terms--even though she, of course, plans to air the footage anyway--and he starts recounting the life & gruesome times of Cyrus The Country Line Cannibal. As he's talking, it shows a series of flashbacks of how Cyrus came to be a serial killer--he had an abusive mother as well as a non-supportive, cheating wife--as well as his brutal killing spree. The first time Cyrus kills is when he comes home to find his wife having sex with another man and he not only kills both of them but he kills their infant son as well. From there, he goes on to kill several women and men. Even more disturbing he grinds up their innards into meat patties and sausages and stuff and sells them as "roadkill" to the unsuspecting townsfolk (ala the "classic" horror flick Motel Hell). Interspersed with the flashbacks are a number of "interviews" with serial killer/mass murderer "experts" on what makes these psychos tick. Anyway, the movie at times plays out like a typical episode of the TV show Criminal Minds, only gorier. Plus the fact that one can pretty much see the ending coming from a mile away in that one can tell early on that Lance's character is either Cyrus himself or he is somehow in cahoots with Cyrus (I'll just let you watch the movie for yourself to see which one he actually is, all right?), especially when Danielle's character tells him something like, "I'll bet my life on it!" Anyway, in spite of its obvious flaws (like, for instance, law enforcement doesn't seem to be looking too hard for Cyrus), it's still a pretty interesting little film and is not like your "standard" serial killer/horror flick fare (if you can stomach watching it, that is). A sidenote: This film was reportedly "inspired" by serial killers such as Henry Lee Lucas who is considered to be America's most prolific serial killer who had confessed to committing over 200 killings and Fritz Haarman who was known as "The Butcher Of Hanover" and "The Vampire Of Hanover" who was a German serial killer believed to have been responsible for the brutal murders of over 20 young boys and men. Ain't humanity grand! 

JOE'S APARTMENT

Joe's Apartment is a 1996 film based on a 1992 short film of the same name that was regularly shown on MTV. Both the film and the short is about a schlub who lives in a cramped dingy apartment with a bunch of talking--and singing!--cockroaches. Yes, you heard THAT right! The film stars--of course!--Jerry O'Connell as schlub Joe. (I don't recall who starred in the 1992 short film, though it wasn't Jerry.) The film was the first flick put out by--of course!--MTV (back when they were STILL playing music videos, by the way). While the film wasn't a box office hit (go figure!), it has since gone on to become a sort of cult classic (again, go figure!). For those who haven't had the, uh-hum, pleasure of seeing this particular flick yet, if you, uh-hum, enjoy spending 90 minutes watching a bunch of talking--and singing!--cockroaches and/or watching Jerry O'Connell do things like literally pick up shit (which, of course, could very well be the PERFECT metaphor for his "acting" career!), then Joe's Apartment might--and I say MIGHT!--very well be the PERFECT flick for you! A sidenote: This blog's namesake the late Roger Ebert, for those who are interested, wrote in his review of Joe's Apartment: "Joe's Apartment would be a very bad comedy even without the roaches, but it would not be a disgusting one. No, wait: I take that back. Even without the roaches, we would still have the subplot involving the pink disinfectant urinal cakes." Oh yeah, did I also mention there was a sort of "subplot" in the film about pink urinal cakes?

Here's the MTV film short of Joe's Apartment (which, in my view, was far more "entertaining" then the film): 

And, while we're at it, here's one of the, um, musical numbers in the movie version of Joe's Apartment (my apologies in advance!):

ELEPHANT WHITE

Elephant White is a rather unique--some, of course, might even say weird--2011 action film starring Djimon Hounsou (of Amistad, Blood Diamond and Gladiator fame) and Kevin Bacon (yes, THAT Kevin Bacon!). In the film, Hounsou plays a hit man named Curtie Church who is hired to take out sex traffickers in Thailand. The man who "hired" him claims his daughter was murdered by said sex traffickers (of course, we learn later on that he has ulterior motives for wanting them dead, which I, of course, won't reveal here). Church enlists the aid of a former rather shady associate of his named Jimmy the Brit--played by Kevin Bacon (who has a rather questionable British accent)--who supplies him with the weaponry he needs to carry out the job. Along with way, Church reluctantly takes up with a teenaged prostitute named Mae who decides to help him out with his mission. Elephant White has a bit more plot to it than your average action film, though the movie has enough action in it to satisfy the most hardcore action fan in spite of the film's rather dark subject matter. However, the movie does take a 180 degree turn towards the end when the plot kind of takes on a supernatural bent (which, again, I won't reveal here). Djimon Hounsou actually makes a pretty decent kick-ass action star. In fact, I'd go as far as saying that he's at least on par with the likes of Matt Damon (oh, am I bound to catch some heat for THAT one!). At least I'd say he's better than, say, Steven Seagal, especially Seagal in his later years (again, I know I'm bound to get some flak for saying THAT!). If you're on the lookout for a "different" type of action film to watch other than your wang-bang "typical" action fare (and, yes, I'm looking at YOU, Seagal!), then you might want to give Elephant White a try (though you HAVE been warned about the rather dark subject matter). 

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE (The Remake)

I Spit On Your Grave is the 2010 remake of the 1978 "cult classic" film about a woman who gets viciously gang-raped--repeatedly--and seeks brutal revenge against her attackers. The remake is pretty much the same plot-wise as the original--of which I've also reviewed on this blog--as it centers on a young woman who rents a cabin out in the woods and ends up getting brutally beaten and raped by a gang of sadistic backwoods thugs, including a "mentally-challenged" one. What separates the remake from the original is that, in the remake, a redneck cop gets "involved" on the rape and then later "encourages" the others to burn her car and get rid of all the evidence, including footage of the rape shot by one of the rapists on his video camera after they erroneously believe the woman is dead. However, unbeknownst to them, the woman survives and begins stalking her rapists. She then begins dispatching them one-by-one in the most brutal ways imaginable (like, for instance, as in the original, the woman slices off one of the rapists's, shall we say, appendages--in the remake, it's with a pair of garden shears--and lets him bleed to death while he's hanging from the ceiling). Another way the remake is "different" from the original is that the woman actually kidnaps the sheriff's young daughter towards the end of the film and it's never revealed what happened to her, which made me feel a little less sympathetic towards her character. In any case, the remake is every bit as brutal and uncompromising as the original, perhaps even more so, especially how the woman gets her revenge on her attackers (and, of course, you'll have to watch the film to see what I'm talking about, if you handle it, that is!). So is I Spit On Your Grave a "better" film than the original? I would say it seems more professionally-made than the original. As for whether or not it's a "good" film, as I stated about the original, I can't say whether or not it is a "good" film, at least for myself. It is one of the most brutally savage films, along with the original, that I've ever seen. I can also safely say it's most definitely a film you WON'T soon forget! (I, for one, found the "fish torture" scene rather, shall we say, unique!) A sidenote: This blog's namesake the late Roger Ebert thoroughly trashed this film the same as he did the original, calling it a, and I quote, "despicable remake of the despicable 1978 film." Come on, Roger, tell us how you REALLY feel!

Here's the trailer for the remake of I Spit On Your Grave (you've been warned!):

WE'RE THE MILLERS

We're The Millers is a comedy flick starring Jennifer Aniston (of Friends and Brad Pitt fame) and Emma Roberts (who's the daughter of actor Eric Roberts and the niece of actress Julia Roberts). Unlike a number of other R-rated "comedies" released in recent years (and, yes, I'm looking at YOU, The Hangover!), We're The Millers is actually a FUNNY movie as well as being raunchy and sexy. The flick is about a low-level pot dealer who runs afoul of a rich drug lord supplier. To make amends with said rich drug lord supplier, the lowly pot dealer agrees to run an "errand" for him, the "errand" being him going down to Mexico and pick up a small load of pot--or a "smidgen" as he calls it--and bring it back to him in the States. So the pot dealer comes up with an ingenious plan that, to avoid attracting unwarranted attention to himself, he would bring along his "family" consisting of a stripper who lives in his apartment building (played by Aniston), a rather goofy "virginal" 18-year-old kid who also lives in his building, and a street urchin whom he and the kid "rescue" one night from a gang a ruffians (played by Roberts). Anyway, they rent an RV and go down to Mexico to pick up the "smidgen" of pot. However, they discover when they pick it up that it's not a "smidgen" but a whole busload of pot that they have to take back to the States. On top of that, it turns out the pot actually belongs to another high-level--and violent--drug kingpin. Of course, hilarity ensues when they travel back to the States while being chased by this drug kingpin; like, for instance, when the goofy "virginal" 18-year-old gets his testicles bitten by a poisonous spider. There's also another hilarious scene when they meet up with another family traveling in an RV--who turns out to be a DEA agent and his family (of course!)--who encourages the pot dealer and the stripper, believing they're an actual married couple, to help them "spice up" their love life inside their tent one night while they're all camping out (and, of course, you'll have to watch the movie to see what I'm talking about!). There's also a sexy-ass striptease that Aniston's character performs to "distract" the kingpin and his thugs when they catch up to them. If THAT doesn't convince you to watch We're The Millers, I don't know WHAT will!

Here's the sexy-ass Jennifer Aniston striptease scene from We're The Millers (from YouTube):

AN ODE (OF FU?) TO SCARLETT JOHANSSON a.k.a. A CELEBRITY WHO COULD BE A PORN STAR!: A Commentary W/Pics & Clip

AN ODE (OF FU?) TO SCARLETT JOHANSSON a.k.a. A CELEBRITY WHO COULD BE A PORN STAR!: A Commentary W/Pics & Clip

AGAINST THE DARK

Against The Dark is yet another straight-to-video Steven Seagal flick. This one is different from Seagal's usual cinematic fare in that it's more of a horror flick than a straight-out action flick that he's most noted for. The plot of this film centers around a virus that spreads worldwide (of course!) that turns its victims into a kind of vampire/zombie hybrid that both eats people and infects others by biting them. The non-infected civilians must fight to survive (of course!). This film focuses on a group of survivors who get trapped in this hospital that's been overrun with these vampire/zombie hybrids and they must fight their way out before the military "cleans" the hospital and the surrounding area by bombing the hell out of it. To be honest, I wasn't really expecting much from this film, especially given that it was a Steven Seagal straight-to-video flick, but, I must admit, I was rather surprised at how--dare I say it!--entertaining this particular flick actually was in spite of the fact that it "starred" Steven Seagal. Actually, Steven's role is rather negligible in this flick as he's more or less phoning it in as the leader of a group of "hunters" who patrol the streets killing off these vampire/zombie hybrids. There's not a whole lot of martial arts in the film, though there are a number of fight scenes between the "hunters" and/or the group of non-infected civilians. Of course, not everyone makes it out alive towards the end. Now, the million-dollar question it, does Steven make it out alive? Seeing as he co-produced the thing (and given that he stars in it), what do YOU think? Frankly, I think Steven Seagal could've been kept out of the flick entirely and it would have been JUST as entertaining, perhaps even MORE so! Overall, in spite of the fact that it "stars" Steven Seagal (and I'll, of course, let you decide for yourself if that's a good or a bad thing!), Against The Dark isn't that bad of a horror or action flick or whatever cinematic genre you want to put it in. In fact, I'll go as far as saying that it's actually better than some other vampire/zombie flicks I've seen and/or reviewed on this blog (again, in spite of the fact that it "stars" Steven Seagal!).

RED RIDING HOOD

Red Riding Hood is a 2011 "horror" flick that's supposed to be loosely based on the children's fable Little Red Riding Hood. The film stars Amanda Seyfried in the title role. In the film, Red's old-timey village is being terrorized by a werewolf. So the villagers enlist the help of this fanatical werewolf hunter played by Gary Oldman. (I was actually kind of surprised to see Oldman in a movie such as this. Perhaps he needed a quick paycheck?) Oldman's character is also a sadistic religious whack-job (but then, aren't they all in these type of films?). For instance, in one particularly harrowing scene, he tortures a young boy who's clearly mentally-challenged to the point he can hardly speak. But, because he's "different" from the other villagers, he gets targeted and interrogated by Gary's sadistic character and, when he can't give him the name of the wolf, he tortures him by throwing him in this nasty little torture device called The Elephant that ends up killing him (you can, of course, watch the film to see what I'm talking about). Nice! Anyway, Seyfried's Red has two love-interests in this flick (of course!). One is a good guy whom her family wants her to marry and the other is a stereotypical bad boy (again, of course!). And guess WHICH one Red goes for? (Hint: it's NOT the good guy!) This film is marred by occasional overacting and even bad acting at times not to mention the special effects are ofttimes cheesy. Also, some of the clothing worn by some of the villagers looks more "modern" than others (I'm not sure what time period exactly this flick is supposed to be set in). Which is kind of surprising given that this film stars Seyfried and Oldman and was even produced by none other than Leonardo DiCaprio (of Titanic fame). So it probably goes without saying that Red Riding Hood is by no means a great film, although I would call it passable. It would certainly do on a slow night when there's nothing else "good" on TV. Plus the fact that Amanda Seyfried (who starred in the previously-reviewed sex-fest Chloe) makes about the sexiest Red Riding Hood I've ever seen (which, of course, is the primary reason I initially wanted to see it!)! And, yes, there's even a dream sequence where Red and her Grandma in the film say the lines about "What big eyes you have, Grandma!" and "All the better to see you with, my dear!" from the fairy tale which I thought was more than a little lame. Oh well! Again, at least Amanda Seyfried looked HOT as always! Oh yeah, in spite of its title, Red Riding Hood doesn't do any actual riding in the flick (well, except for the bad boy she's into, which, of course, WASN'T in the original fairy tale!)!

THE NAKED HYPOCRISY OF CAMERON DIAZ (Or The Tale Of Cameron’s Sex Tape): A Commentary W/Pics & Clip

THE NAKED HYPOCRISY OF CAMERON DIAZ (Or The Tale Of Cameron’s Sex Tape): A Commentary W/Pics & Clip

CHILD'S PLAY

Child's Play is a rather entertaining little horror flick released back in 1988 about a demonically-possessed murderous doll named Chucky. The film begins with a cop chasing after a notorious serial killer who's been dubbed the Lakeshore Strangler. After The Strangler's partner-in-crime flees, the cop corners The Strangler in a toy store (of course!) where he gets shot by the cop. Before he dies, he transfers his soul to a doll called a Good Guy doll by chanting this voodoo spell. Suddenly the store is struck by lightning and explodes, making the cop believe that The Strangler is dead & buried. The possessed Good Guy doll is bought by this single mom from this homeless man who found the doll in the wreckage of the toy store for her young son for his birthday. Having to stay and work late at her job, she has her friend and coworker pick up her son at school and babysit him at their apartment where she gives him the doll. The doll introduces himself to the kid with his infamous tagline: "Hi, I'm Chucky. Wanna play?" Of course, when the babysitter puts the kid--and Chucky--to bed, Chucky ends up hitting said babysitter with a hammer and throws her out the kitchen window where she plunges to her death. And, of course, the cop who "killed" the Lakeshore Strangler believes that it may have been the mother's son who did the evil deed and doesn't believe the kid when he says that Chucky did it. Afterwards, Chucky "convinces" the kid to skip school one day and take him by bus to his former partner's place so he can seek revenge for his ditching him the night he got shot by the cop. He ends up blowing up his house and, again, the cop believes the kid had something to do with it and ends up taking him away from his mother and putting him in a psych ward. The mother finally sees that her son is telling the truth when Chucky tries to kill her when she sees that he's "operating" without batteries. However, she still has no luck convincing the cop of that. That is, until Chucky tries to stab the cop while he's driving in his car in what's got to be the most memorable--and hilarious--scene in the flick. Chucky manages to escape and the cop and the boy's mother work together to defeat Chucky once and for all (or at least until the sequel!). Actor Brad Dourif, of course, did the voice of Chucky and, in my opinion, did for the Chucky character what actor Robert Englund did for the Freddy Kruger character in the Nightmare On Elm Street horror franchise. The film spawned a number of sequels, including the horrifically bad Seed Of Chucky. However, unlike some of the sequels (especially the later ones), the first Child's Play was more of a straight-up horror flick. Made on what would today be regarded as a "shoestring" budget, I think one of the reasons why the film works as a horror flick because it plays upon the childhood--and even adult--fear of the "creepy" doll. I think a lot of people can remember seeing that one doll when they were a kid that not only looked creepy-as-hell but looked like it could come alive at any moment and just strangle the life out of you. I mean, let's face it, Chucky just as a doll alone would probably scare the living hell out of most kids AND adults even without the serial killer's soul inside of it, you know what I mean? Even this blog's namesake Roger Ebert gave this film a positive review even though he was known to not be a major fan of horror flicks. Actually, I thought the kid--who appeared in subsequent Child's Play sequels--was about as creepy as Chucky in this film, especially towards the end when he (spoiler alert!) sets Chucky on fire in the fireplace while he's trying to choke his mom (but then, kids in horror flicks tend to creep me out anyway, but I digress!).

Here's a clip of the car scene from Child's Play (from YouTube):

THE LORDS OF SALEM

The Lords Of Salem is an "independent" horror flick directed by rocker-turned-director Rob Zombie (of White Zombie fame). The film is about . . . well, to be quite honest, I'm not entirely sure what in the blessed hell this flick is about. First off, the film begins back in Salem, Massachusetts during the time of the Salem Witch Trials and a group of--you guessed it!--witches are standing around a huge campfire when all of a sudden they strip off their robes and they're standing around said fire naked--and I'm NOT talking about "good" naked either!--and they all start running around the fire and scream their heads off at each other while a goat watches. That was my FIRST clue this was going to be one effed-up flick! Anyway, the film centers around a female radio DJ in Salem--played by Rob Zombie's "uber" hot wife Sherrie Moon Zombie--who turns out to be the descendant of a Reverend Johnathan Hawthorne who had the coven of witches we see at the beginning of the film burned at the stake. The head witch, it turns out, "curses" all descendants of Hawthorne while she's burning at the stake and promises that one of said descendants will give birth to Satan's child or whatever (and we, of course, find out later on why this is so important). Anyway, the DJ receives this mysterious record album at the station by a group no one has ever heard of called The Lords and/or The Lords Of Salem (it goes back & forth in the film). When she and her fellow DJ's play the weird-sounding record on the air, it puts her and the other women of Salem who are listening into a trance. From there, the DJ's "hallucinations" continue to get worse and worse; like, for instance, she "hallucinates" that this priest is sexually assaulting her when she goes inside this church and then she wakes up and runs out of the church where she has another "hallucination" of a "demon" with a misshapen grey head walking towards her with a goat on a leash. (In fact, since the DJ is a recovering--and then later relapsing--drug addict, it's kind of left open to interpretation whether or not she's having drug-induced "hallucinations" and whatnot.) Anyway, three more "witches"--or whoever the hell they are since the film really doesn't make that quite clear (at least not to me)--who are not only sisters but one of whom is the DJ's landlord are somehow "controlling" the DJ throughout much of the film. In the last half of the film, which is without a doubt the most effed-up part of the film, they "convince" her to give birth at this concert hall to this creature that's supposed to be the anti-Christ or something (although it looks more like the face-planting alien from the Alien films). In between her giving birth (with bloody streams running out from between her legs, by the way), we see "visions" of the grey "demons" dressed in priest robes "masturbating" and naked women walking in unison while wearing goat heads and the DJ straddling a goat and . . . well, you get the effed-up picture. The movie ends by (spoiler alert!) showing the DJ standing atop what looks to be a pile of female corpses while looking like a "demonic" version of the Virgin Mary with white eyes as the three sister "witches" or whoever the hell they were look on with apparent awe all the while this Velvet Underground song plays. Then the movie cuts to the credits where we hear this voice-over of a man discussing how there was an apparent mass suicide of a group of women, all of whom happen to be descendants of people who lived during the time of the Salem Witch Trials, inside the concert hall and added how the DJ had mysteriously disappeared. Yeah. As you can probably imagine, this isn't one of Rob Zombie's better-known--or better-liked--horror flicks. That, of course, isn't to say that The Lords Of Salem is a necessarily bad movie. It was just--how shall I put it?--nonsensical (again, at least for me). As for his wife Sherri Moon's role in the film, while she certainly isn't the best actress around (although I will say she was pretty menacing in her hubby's horror flick House Of 1000 Corpses and its sequel The Devil's Rejects), she does have a definite, shall we say, presence, especially towards the beginning in the film where she's lying butt-naked on the bed (yeah, I know, I'm a perv!). As for the film itself, I would recommend it for those horror fans who don't mind their horror flicks being effed-up. Otherwise, I would suggest watching one of Mr. Zombie's more--dare I say it!--traditional horror flicks like the aforesaid Corpses and/or Rejects and/or his Halloween reboots. I will give kudos to Rob for trying to do something different instead of the standard "slasher" horror fare, but there's different and then there's . . . this. (No offense, Rob!) Frankly, I think that maybe--just maybe!--Rob's wife Sherrie was busting his chops about making her the "lead" in one of his movies as opposed to a mere co-star and he pulled THIS one out of his . . . well, you know!

Here's a clip from The Lords Of Salem (from YouTube) where Sherri Moon Zombie's DJ character goes into a room in her apartment building that is apparently "haunted" or "possessed" or whatever it is (and you can, of course, see for yourself just how effed-up this flick is!):

TAKEN 2

Taken 2 is, of course, the sequel to the box office hit Taken where Liam Neeson plays a CIA agent "with a certain set of skills" who goes after bad guys who target his family. In the first Taken, Neeson's character goes after the men who kidnap his daughter while she's vacationing overseas and sell her into sex slavery. In the second Taken, the menacing father whose sons were killed by Neeson's character in the first film targets Liam's character and his family, including both his daughter and his ex-wife. In the first one, you had to suspend disbelief a little to enjoy the film. In the second one, you have to suspend disbelief a lot. I mean, Neeson's character's family decides to meet up with him while he's on "business" in Istanbul (since, you know, the family going overseas worked so well the FIRST time!). Of course, it just so happens that the bad guys are already waiting for them when they arrive in Istanbul! Secondly, when the bad guys kidnap Liam's character and his ex-wife, he calls his daughter via a hidden cell phone he's got and tells her to get to the U.S. embassy and, when she refuses, he relents and lets his daughter help rescue him thereby putting her life in danger. You with me so far? (And, while we're at it, how the bad guys never overhear him talking to his daughter on his cell phone is beyond me!) So she's throwing grenades and getting into car chases with her father running away from the bad guys AND the police. See what I mean about suspending disbelief when watching THIS film? Now this isn't to say that Taken 2 is a bad film. It's actually OK as far as action movie sequels go. It's just that the first Taken was a lot more leaner and meaner. Of course, just like in the first one, it's a real treat watching Liam Neeson's character dispatch the bad guys who seek to do him and his family harm one-by-one. And, I must say, the father of the slain sons is a REALLY nasty SOB who tells Liam's character while he's chained up that he's going to kidnap his daughter and sell her again to the sex trade where she'll be "abused" repeatedly. Later on, he tells the ex-wife while she's chained up, after saying what a "good mother" she is, that she'll send her back home piece-by-piece. Of course, he gets what he deserves when Neeson's character . . . well, you'll just have to watch the flick to find out, all rightie? 

SKELETON MAN

Skeleton Man is a straight-to-video horror flick that's, well, bad. And when I say it's bad, I mean it's laughably bad! The movie is about an army unit that takes on and gets picked off one-by-one by this Native-American demon or whatever the hell it actually is called Cottonmouth Joe. (I know, I know the title of this flick is Skeleton Man, but bear with me!) First off, the Skeleton Man/Cottonmouth Joe you see on the video box cover doesn't even come CLOSE to looking like the "demon" in the actual movie. That Skeleton Man/Cottonmouth Joe looks like a guy dressed in a hooded cape wearing a cheap skeleton mask, which it what it essentially is. I mean, if the "demon" in the movie looked more the one on the video box cover, it might--and I say MIGHT--have made it a better horror flick! And the inconsistencies in the flick DON'T end there! For instance, early on in the film, Cottonmouth Joe/Skeleton Man kills off one of the female soldiers . . . AND NOBODY SEEMS TO NOTICE HER MISSING!!!! At another point in this dumbass film, another one of the soldiers--played by actor Casper Van Dien who's perhaps best known for his role in the "classic" sci-fi flick Starship Troopers (where the army unit in THAT flick was battling giant space bugs, if you'll recall)--follows Cottonmouth/Skeleton all the way to the interstate where the soldier inexplicably steals a semi-truck and then it crashes and explodes and when said soldier gets out of the truck he gets stabbed by . . . well, you know! Still yet another female soldier--all the female soldiers in this flick, by the way, look like more like swimsuit models than actual soldiers (not that I really minded, of course!)--gets conked in the head by Cottonmouth/Skeleton a couple of times yet he doesn't finish her off for some odd reason. And, to top it off, the scar on this female soldier's head keeps changing sides and shapes! Not only that, but Cottonmouth/Skeleton's horse keeps changing as well! Now I understand the budget on this particular flick was probably pretty much near-to-non-existent, but still! Besides Casper, the only "name" actor in this godawful flick is Michael Rooker who's starred in a number of films and TV shows, including on the popular show The Walking Dead. My guess is that Rooker probably starred in this flick because he needed a quick paycheck. As for Casper, well . . . Anyway, the movie reaches its "climatic" end when Cottonmouth/Skeleton goes on some inexplicable murderous rampage in some chemical plant and Rooker's character confronts him and . . . well, I frankly didn't even care at THIS point. My bullshit meter with this particular film reached its limit during the scene when Cottonmouth Joe/Skeleton Man actually shoots an army helicopter out of the sky--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--WITH A BOW AND ARROW!!!! Seriously! I've seen some campy-ass horror--and other--flicks in my time (which I've, of course, reviewed on this blog), but THIS one took the campy cake! All I can say is that this would be a, uh-hum, good film to watch if you're bored out of your skull (pardon the pun!) and you want to watch a REALLY bad horror flick. What made this film even WORSE--as if it couldn't get ANY worse!--was that you could tell that it was a blatant rip-off of the classic eighties sci-fi/horror flick Predator starring none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Skeleton Man--or whatever it is he's actually called--even looks at his "prey" like the Predator did in THAT movie and even "steals" skeletons like the Predator did. My suggestion would be to watch THAT movie instead of THIS claptrap-of-a-flick. Hell, even the less-than-stellar Predator sequels would be FAR better to watch, you know what I mean?

CHLOE

Chloe is an erotically-charged movie starring Liam Neeson, Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried. The premise of the movie is pretty simple enough: Julianne Moore plays a doctor--specifically, a gynecologist (surprised?)--who suspects that her college professor husband--played by Liam Neeson (in one of his more low-key roles)--is cheating on her after finding a suspicious text message from one of his female students on his phone. So she hires a sexy younger prostitute--played by Amanda Seyfried in the title role--to try to seduce him to either confirm or deny her fears. During their meetings, Chloe tells Julianne's character in graphic detail how she "seduces" her husband, which, in turn, turns Moore's character on. So much so that Chloe ends up seducing Julianne's character (yes, it's THAT type of movie!). That's pretty much the flick. The movie tries a Fatal Attraction-type ending--sans the boiled bunny!--when Moore's character attempts to break it off with Chloe after she finds out that she's lied to her about "seducing" her hubby so she could get into HER pants (again, it's THAT type of flick!). To get back at her, Chloe seduces their son, who's a little turd throughout the film, and Julianne's character catches them in bed together in her bedroom and . . . well, I'll just let you watch the movie and see for yourself, all right? One issue I had with this film is that there's no discernible motivation for Chloe's actions as there's really no back-story on her character. But, let's face facts, in spite of whatever "ending" this movie attempts, the REAL reason to, er, watch this flick is to see the, um, relationship between Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried. It's fairly low-key as far as erotic thrillers go, but, if you're into seeing hot women getting together (like, of course, yours truly!), then THIS is the kinky flick for you (you pervs!)!

Here's a video collage of some of the sexier scenes between Julianne Moore & Amanda Seyfried (from YouTube):

BEAUTY & THE BEAST (A TV Show Review)

The CW's Beauty & The Beast

This is a clip from the "abuse" scene of BATB.

BATB's Vincent ripping the heart out of another "beast."

Ron Perlman's Vincent: a "beast" on the outside ONLY!

This is the "VinCat" that I prefer!

I know, I know this is supposed to be a MOVIE review blog, but I feel it's my civic duty to point out crap, be it cinematic or otherwise, whenever it rears its ugly head. And, believe you me, it doesn't get much uglier than the CW's televised crap-fest Beauty & The Beast. The show is--or at least purports to be--an updated version of the classic TV show from the late-eighties starring Ron Perlman (who played Hellboy) who played the "beast" and Linda Hamilton (the babe from The Terminator) playing the "beauty." However, about the only real resemblance to THAT show was that the main characters are named Catherine and Vincent like in the older TV series. To be honest, about the only reason I even bothered watching BATB is because I was such a fan of the original TV series--which was also written & produced by George R.R. Martin (yeah, the Game Of Thrones dude!)--that I was curious how they would rework the show. Plus I have a slight crush on actress Kristin Kreuk who's perhaps best known for her role as Lana Lang in another CW show Smallville, which in itself was a "retelling" of the Superman story. Anyway, in this show, Kristin plays the "beauty" Catherine--who also goes by Cat--who hooks up with "beast" Vincent played by Jay Ryan (which, to be honest, I don't know what he starred in before). However, unlike in the original show where Vincent looks like a lion, Vincent in the new BATB doesn't outwardly look "beastly" save for a scar along the side of his face that mysteriously disappears in later episodes. Of course, this IS the CW TV network, which I call The Pretty People Network. Plus the shows on this network generally "appeals" to a mostly younger female audience, including THIS train-wreck-of-a-TV-show. And why do I call this particular show a train wreck? 

Well, let's get to that, shall we? 

This show starts off with Cat witnessing her mother's own brutal murder when she gets gunned down in front of her. When the gunmen tries to kill her, she is saved by a mysterious "beastly" figure. Some years later, Cat, who's a police detective (in the original, Catherine was an assistant DA), discovers her savior hiding out in his friend JT's place while she and her partner Tess are investigating a case. It turns out Vincent is a former doctor who joined the military after 911 and volunteered for this military experience where he got shot up with this mysterious serum that turned him into a "beast" whenever he got upset or otherwise worked up. Well, it turns out, not only does Cat find out that Vincent was her "beastly" savior years before but that he's also been in hiding for years after faking his own death from the shadowy government outfit called Muirfield that came up with this serum that's responsible for his "beastly" transformation. At first, Vincent  tries to scare Cat off by telling her things like, "I can kill you in just a few seconds." (Ah, those magical words EVERY woman longs to hear!) Of course, the show being what it is, Cat can't stay away from Vincent as she keeps going to JT's place to see him all the while keeping his "beastly" secret. Vincent, in turn, begins stalking, uh, I mean, following Cat and ends up helping her solve crimes. I thought maybe this was going to be the gist of the show sort of like the eighties show. NOPE!!!! This show inexplicably took an 180 degree turn and . . . well, let me give you an example: 

I myself started souring on the show when they actually used domestic violence as a plot point. At one point, Vincent gets kidnapped by a man who turns out to be Cat's biological father who's a rogue FBI agent who seeks to destroy Muirfield and the "beasts" it created. So he wipes Vincent's memory and turns him into a "beast" assassin. Cat, after spending all her time trying in vain to find her beloved Vincent, finally finds him and is distressed to find he doesn't remember her. At one point, she confronts him and demands to know what he's been up to and why he's been missing all this time. And, at one point, Vincent becomes enraged by all her questioning and he . . . well, let's just say she winds up with a huge bruise on her neck. Cat then covers up for Vincent (like she does all throughout the show, by the way) by trying to hide said bruise from friends and family. When Cat's sister sees the bruise and asks her about it (Cat's sister's boyfriend, by the way, was "accidentally" killed by Vincent to which Cat lied to her about), Cat says to her that she must have slept on it wrong or something like that. To which Cat's sister then replies to her something like, "You better be careful or people are going to think you're in an abusive relationship." Seriously, who's writing this show? When she finally fesses up to what Vincent did to her, she again tries to cover up for him (like, again, she does ALL THROUGHOUT THE DAMN SHOW!) by insisting how he's never done that to her before and that he wasn't in his right mind and . . . well, you get the picture, don't you? Even Vincent confesses to his pal JT what he did to his beloved Cat and, though he expresses remorse, he says that she was just asking too many questions for him to handle. So, remember, ladies, according to the "logic" of THIS show, it's OK for a man to become "physical" with you so long as he's got amnesia and/or you ask him too many questions and especially if you're "destined" to be together. Later on, Vincent "abuses" Cat some more when he "beasts up" and causes her car to crash in order to kill her father once he's realized what he's done to him after she arrests him and she's trying to take him in. She tries to reason with Vincent by telling him it's over and that her dear old dad will be sent to jail and whatnot, but, when he's still intent on killing her dad, she actually shoots him. 

Seriously, just who in the hell is writing this damn show? Chris Brown?! 

Aside from the domestic violence aspect of the show (along with all the other violence in the show perpetrated by Vincent; like, for instance, when he rips out another beast's heart of which Cat, being the dutiful cop that she is, helps him cover up), there's also the extreme plot points, the inane dialogue (for instance, Cat tells Vincent upon first meeting him, "You look pretty good for a dead guy!"), the added characters (including another love-interest for Cat named Gabe who's also Cat's boss who's also a beast before he's "cured" who also kidnapped Cat at one point so he could lure and kill Vincent), the less-than-stellar acting, plus the notion that Cat and Vincent--who's also known by inexplicably diehard fans of this show as "VinCat"--is wholly unbelievable as there's absolutely no chemistry whatsoever between the characters. Oh yeah, Cat is also one of the WORST police detectives in TV history as she stops solving crimes and instead spends all her time covering up the crimes committed by her beloved Vincent (by altering evidence connected to his crimes and whatnot). Even Barney Fife would shake his head at the rampant ineptness of Cat as a cop. I mean, she's even gotten people killed on the show while trying to cover up for Vincent. Quite frankly, the only likeable--and believable--characters on this stupid show are Cat's partner Tess and Vincent's "friend" JT who actually both wind up getting together. Actually, Tess & JT's relationship is the ONLY one to root for in this godawful show. But, of course, JT isn't a "hunk" like Vincent (though Tess is a "hottie" like Cat), so they couldn't have their relationship as the one to most "root" for. If I haven't stressed this point already, this show is bad, and I don't even mean "good" bad or "campy" bad. Hell, it's not even good enough to qualify as a guilty pleasure! Seriously, this show has gotten SO off-the-rails I don't think adding George R.R. Martin as a writer could help improve this jumbled misogynistic mess it at THIS point! 

As for the "abuse" angle inexplicably written into the show, I'm not normally one to blame societal ills on so-called popular culture, but, as other critics have pointed out about this show, I wonder how many women in "abusive" relationships, including those that watch this insipid show, have done precisely as Cat and gone out of their way to "cover up" for their "abusive" boyfriends and/or spouses. I mean, Cat is constantly reminding EVERYONE on the show just what a "good guy" Vincent is as if the character is not only reminding herself but is also reminding the viewers since, in any OTHER context, Vincent would most likely be regarded as the bad guy. To be fair, Ron Perlman's Vincent was also prone to violence, but he killed primarily to protect Katherine. He certainly, at least from I recall from the show, never raised a hand to her (although I will admit it's been a while since I seen the show). I would strongly advise TV viewers to not--I repeat--NOT waste their time watching this show and instead watch the eighties original. Me, I only still watch this show--of which I admittedly have only watched in fits & starts since the episode where Vincent gets physical with Catherine--because I'm frankly curious as to how they're going to end this train-wreck-of-a-show (of which, at the time of this writing, is in its third--count 'em!--THIRD season even though there have been far better shows with MUCH higher ratings that have only lasted just one season and sometimes not THAT long!). Frankly, I think the PERFECT way to end this dumbass show is to have Ron Perlman make a cameo as the "original" Vincent where he rips the "new" Vincent's heart out--while Cat watches, of course!--and Cat ends up in jail for aiding & abetting. Of course, I knew the, uh-hum, talented writers of this show will find some unbelievable way for "VinCat" to be together forever. 

Yes, the CW's Beauty & The Beast is truly a love story for the ages . . . the DARK ages!