LARA CROFT TOMB RAIDER

  

Lara Croft Tomb Raider stars none other than Angelina Jolie as the titular (emphasis on tit!) video game action heroine. This is a passable action flick with decent action sequences and whatnot. Actually, the main reason to watch this particular flick is to see Miss Jolie parading around in skintight outfits battling robots and whatnot all the while speaking with an incredibly sexy British accent. But, then again, what isn't sexy about Angelina Jolie (other than, of course, her "choices" in boyfriends!)? Oh yeah, this flick also features a cameo from Angelina's rather nutty right-wing estranged father Jon "Karate Dog" Voight for anyone who is interested!



GIA

 

Gia was an HBO flick starring Angelina Jolie (yes, THAT Angelina Jolie!) back when she was seemingly making out with her very own brother in public and/or banging noted weird-ass actor Billy Bob Thornton and wearing his blood as a necklace before she got hooked up with Brad Pitt (yes, THAT Brad Pitt!) and became a "respectable" actress. Actually, there's really only one thing you need to know about this particular flick: ANGELINA JOLIE IS NAKED!!!! Plus she makes out with another hot chick . . . WHILE SHE'S NAKED!!!! As for the plot, she plays a drugged-out eighties "supermodel" named Gia something-or-'nother who died of AIDS or something. PLUS SHE'S NAKED!!!! Need I say more? I didn't think so!



HENRY & JUNE

Henry & June is a 1990 "erotic" film based on "erotic" writer's Anais Nin's book about her "relationship" with fellow controversial "erotic" writer Henry Miller (of Tropic Of Cancer and Tropic Of Capricorn fame) and his wife June. The movie stars rather underrated actor Fred Ward as Miller and Uma Thurman (of Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill fame) as Miller's wife and Nin is played by the actress who played Bruce Willis's rather dimwitted girlfriend in Tarantino's Pulp Fiction (I would say her name but it's just too damn long and I'm too damn lazy!). When the movie came out (pardon the pun!), it was the very first "mainstream" flick to be rated NC-17 (which is just a tiny step above X), although by today's standards, it would probably be regarded as more of a Disney flick! There are, of course, some "erotic" scenes in this flick, including a few lesbian scenes, including one with "Nin" and "June" (although, I'm sorry to say, Uma Thurman doesn't show moviegoers the goods in this flick unlike her hot foreign co-star!). Again, this movie may not be as, shall we say, prurient compared to what one can see on--again, shall we say--Cinemax/"Skinemax" (and let's NOT forget the Internet!), but it's still pretty damn "erotic" nevertheless! (For those, of course, who are into that sort of thing!)

CROSSROADS

 

Crossroads is one of my favorite flicks of all-time (next to, of course, Star Wars!). It stars Ralph Macchio (of Karate Kid, My Cousin Vinny and Dancing With The Stars fame) as a wannabe blues musician named Eugene who starts out studying at the prestigious Julliard School who becomes obsessed with the legend of legendary bluesman Robert Johnson, especially about Robert having a mysterious long-lost song that Eugene wishes to learn on his own guitar to record and become famous as a result. He finds a colleague of Johnson in a nursing home named Willie Brown (played by the late Joe Seneca) who's a well-known blues harmonica player. Willie, after at first denying to Eugene that he is in fact the "legendary" Willie Brown, agrees to teach Eugene said long-lost Robert Johnson song if he agrees to break him out of the old folks home, which Eugene eagerly does. They both head off to Mississippi where Willie claims to have "unfinished" business. They wind up "hoboing" it there after Eugene discovers that Willie doesn't have near as much money as he initially let on. Along the way, Eugene picks up a new guitar and a hitchhiker named Frances played by a younger Jami Gertz who eventually leaves them. Eugene and Willie finally reach their destination which is the "crossroads" where both Willie and Robert were said to have made their "deals" with the Devil himself where they literally sold their souls to achieve their musical ability and subsequent fame. The Devil appears as a man who calls himself Legba who's also nicknamed Scratch. When Willie pleads with him to "release" him, Eugene agrees to a guitar-dealing contest with one of Legba's current "clients" named Jack Butler played by legendary guitarist Steve Vai (of Frank Zappa and Whitesnake fame) in exchange for Willie's soul in what's got to be one of the greatest movie scenes ever (at least in my oh-so-humble view!). Crossroads is a must-see for fans of blues music and/or road trip movies. (Just make sure you're NOT watching that Britney Spears monstrosity of the same name!) A sidenote: Just in case you were wondering (and I'm sure that you were!), Ralph Macchio's guitar parts were played by guitarist Ry Cooder. And, yes, Steve Vai's parts were played by Steve Vai himself. Just thought you'd like to know!



UNITED 93

 

United 93 purports to tell the "story" of the doomed flight that landed in a Pennsylvania field while purportedly en route to the White House on 9/11. The film, not surprisingly, follows the "official" story that the passengers on said flight "revolted" and fought with the "terrorists" and the plane crashed during the struggle. However, according to then-Vice President Dick Cheney himself in subsequent interviews, including the one featured in the YouTube clip below, he was the one who actually "ordered" the plane to be shot down. Now, if what D.C. himself said is in fact the truth (and, with Dick, one can never tell!), then the "premise" of this whole movie--of the whole "official" story, in fact--is pure & utter BULLSHIT! Conspiracy theorists unite!



BILLY JACK

 

Billy Jack is a "classic" 1971 film starring Tom Laughlin as the title character. Billy Jack is a "half-breed" American Indian, a Green Beret Vietnam veteran and a martial arts master of which he displays throughout the movie, especially in the flick's most infamous scene. In the scene, a group of students from the local hippy-dippy Freedom School try to get ice cream from a local shop but are denied service because they were from said local hippy-dippy Freedom School of which the townspeople apparently despise. When the kids get bullied by a gang of local rednecks, Billy Jack steps in and opens a can of whup-ass on said bullying local rednecks. This leads to Billy confronting the town's head redneck where he says his infamous line about--my paraphrasing--how he was gonna take his foot and whup him upside the head with it and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. Then guess what happens? Things, as you can probably imagine, only go from bad to worse as the head of Freedom School (played by Tom's real-life wife Delores Taylor) gets raped by the son of the town's head redneck--who was, of course, among those who bullied the children at the ice cream store--and Billy winds up--spoiler alert!--killing him with a karate chop to the throat, all of which leads to a climatic shootout with the cops. When said head of the Freedom School convinces Billy to surrender, all the kids from the school raise their fists in solidarity with the embattled Billy Jack as he's driven away handcuffed in the back of the police car. Billy Jack actually became a hero of sorts to the "peacenik" crowd that was still going on at the time in spite of the violent nature of Billy Jack. While I don't mean to open up a can of political whup-ass here, I guess in SOME peacenik's minds it's okay to inflict on others so long as it's inflicted on the "right" people! In any case, Billy Jack is a pretty good action flick in spite of its hippy-dippy nature and/or its B-movie type quality. Oh yeah, the flick also marked the cinematic debut of none other than George Carlin look-a-like Howard Hesseman who would later be known as the gin-soaked DJ of the "classic" TV show WKRP In Cincinnati. Just thought you'd like to know! A sidenote: That infamous kick-to-the-head in that aforementioned confrontation scene wasn't actually "performed" by Mr. Laughlin but rather his karate instructor on the set who is said to be one of only a handful of people to be able to "perform" that particular karate kick. There were also three other Billy Jack flicks, including the first one--which wasn't Billy Jack--The Born Losers (where Billy goes after a gang-raping motorcycle gang), the follow-up to Billy Jack The Trial Of Billy Jack (where BJ opens up a can of whup-ass whilst in prison) and the fourth and final BJ flick Billy Jack Goes To Washington (where BJ goes to . . . well, you know!). There was supposed to be a fifth Billy Jack flick some years ago but, unfortunately, it never came to fruition. Again, just thought you'd like to know!