THE DOOR IN THE FLOOR

I could, of course, tell you the "plot" of this movie, but, really, there are only two real reasons to see it: 1) Kim Basinger (of 9 1/2 Weeks and Alec Baldwin fame) has naked sex with a younger guy and 2) Mimi Rogers (of Full Body Massage and Tom Cruise fame) shows every blessed thing she has (even MORE so than in the earlier-reviewed Full Body Massage!). Oh yeah, it stars Jeff "The Dude" Bridges as . . . well, who the hell cares! DID I MENTION KIM BASINGER & MIMI ROGERS ARE NAKED IN THIS FLICK!!!!

9 1/2 WEEKS

9 1/2 Weeks stars Mickey Rourke (of The Wrestler fame) and Kim Basinger (of Alec Baldwin fame) as a couple who engage in a variety of S & M-style "erotic" games. Plus it shows Kim Basinger naked! Really, do I need to say anything MORE about this flick? I didn't think so!

THE WRESTLER

The Wrestler is about a washed-up professional wrestler named Randy The Ram who's desperately trying to make a comeback. Randy, played by actor Mickey Rourke (whom many movie critics likewise regarded as washed-up before this flick came out), makes his living during the week working in a supermarket and wrestles on the weekends. He gets his chance at a comeback when he gets offered to wrestle one of his past opponents from his most famous wrestling match who calls himself The Ayatollah. However, a few weeks before the match, Randy suffers a debilitating heart attack after a rather grueling match where his opponent staples him (yes, you heard that right), among other brutal things. The doctor informs him that he can't wrestle anymore or he could very well die in the process. Randy reluctantly agrees to "retire" from pro-wrestling and backs out of his upcoming match with The Ayatollah. However, after his attempted reconciliation with his estranged daughter--played by noted eccentric actress Evan Rachel Wood (who once dated noted shock rocker Marilyn Manson)--doesn't go as planned and his advances towards his love-interest in the film who's an aging stripper--played by Marisa Tomei--gets rebuffed, he decides to do the wrestling match between him and The Ayatollah regardless of the risks. I, of course, won't tell you how said wrestling match ends except that it kind of leaves it up in the air what exactly happens to Randy The Ram after he performs his signature leap onto his old wrestling nemesis. Like I pointed out before, many critics and/or filmgoers regarded The Wrestler as Mickey Rourke's comeback film. If truth be told, Rourke himself probably regarded this as his "comeback" movie. In fact, in the scene before his match with The Ayatollah when he gives his teary-eyed speech to all his loyal fans, one could easily think Mickey was giving that speech not just to Randy The Ram's fans but his "loyal" moviegoing fans as well. The Wrestler is not like your typical Hollywood-type blockbuster in that it was shot like a documentary and some of the scenes were actually improvised. However, don't expect a Rocky-style "inspirational" film and especially don't expect a happily-ever-after ending, as, again, I pointed out before. However, Mickey Rourke's acting more than makes up for the rather bleakness of the film (and, believe you me, this film can be rather bleak).

OXFORD BLUES

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY, DECENT & GOOD, DO NOT--I REPEAT--DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!! AS A MATTER OF FACT, DON'T WATCH ANY FILM WITH  NOTED D-BAG "ACTOR" ROB LOWE IN IT (THE POSSIBLE EXCEPTIONS BEING HIS FILMS BAD INFLUENCE AND THAT ONE WAYNE'S WORLD FLICK)!!!! I MEAN, THIS IS A GUY WHO WAS (ALLEGEDLY) CAUGHT HAVING SEX ON TAPE WITH A 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL, FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!! ANYWAY, THIS FILM WAS THE ABSOLUTE WORST FILM I'VE EVER PAID TO GO SEE!!!! IN FACT, IT SUCKED SO BAD THAT I'VE EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT ALL THESE YEARS LATER PULLING A SOUTH PARK ON ROB LOWE'S (ALLEGEDLY) PERVERTED ASS AND GOING TO HIS PLACE AND DEMANDING MY MONEY BACK!!!! BUT PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE AND DON'T--I REPEAT--DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY AND/OR YOUR TIME WATCHING THIS PIECE OF CINEMATIC SHIT!!!! I MEAN, IT ENDS WITH ROB DANCING AROUND IN FRONT OF A MIRROR PLAYING DRESS-UP!!!! IF THAT DON'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH IT TOTALLY FUCKING SUCKS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL!!!!

RESIDENT EVIL

 

Resident Evil is the first in the successful film franchise based on the video game. The film stars noted action film hotties Milla Jovovich and Michelle Rodriquez who, along with a group of others, are trapped in a top-secret government research facility where a deadly virus has just been unleashed and turns nearly everyone into--wait for it!--zombies. Milla really doesn't show off her zombie-fighting skills in this one like she does in the sequels. But that's okay. At least we get to see her, shall we say, other assets, if you know what I mean (and I'm, of course, sure that you do!). Michelle actually does the bulk of the femme ass-kissing in this flick. Michelle has gained a reputation in Hollywood for playing the baddie and/or the tough chick, be it a soldier, a boxer, a villian, you get the picture. And she does it with such gutso, as evidenced by this flick. Of course, her character--spoiler alert!--gets changed into a zombie towards the end of the flick and gets her head blown off as a result. Oh well! At least she still looks hot doing it! So if you're into hot-ass chicks kicking zombie butt, then you could do worse than Resident Evil (and, of course, its subsequent sequels)! A sidenote: Fans of the ultra hot Milla Jovovich have undoubtedly noticed she seemingly has no aversion to showing off her--again, shall we say!--goodies in many of the films she appears in, which, of course, could very well explain why they're such "fans" of hers, if you know what I mean (and, again, I'm quite certain that you do!)!

IDIOCRACY

Idiocracy was directed by Mike Judge who created the popular animated TV shows King Of The Hill and Beavis & Butthead (yes, THAT Beavis & Butthead!). The film stars Luke Wilson--brother of fellow actor Owen Wilson (yes, THAT Owen Wilson!)--as a man of average intelligence--not too dumb, not too bright--who volunteers to be cryogenically frozen as part of a military experiment. When said military experiment gets abruptly shut down, Luke's character doesn't get "reawakened" until years later and finds himself in an America SO dumbed down that it's a wonder people can walk upright! Whereas during his time Luke's character was deemed of average intelligence, everyone in the future America that he finds himself in is such a simpleton that he's actually considered a genius. This film was billed as a comedy, but, after watching it, I felt kind of depressed. Why, you might ask? Because America is about halfway there to the America depicted in the film, that's why! For instance, one of the first things Luke's character does is go see a movie called "Ass" which just shows a person's naked ass for about ninety minutes. Remember, we now live in a country where a film like "Jackass"--a flick which shows a bunch of doofuses playing pranks that the average high-schooler plays on a daily basis in this country--is a box office hit. Also, the President of the United States is a former professional wrestler. I mean, we're currently way too smart to EVER elect a mere celebrity to high office, isn't THAT right, Ronald Reagan & Arnold Schwarzenegger? In fact, this film reportedly bombed with test audiences because they couldn't "understand" the plot of the flick. I don't think there's anything more that needs to be said, do you?

A SPECIAL FU TO WILL SMITH

I was intially going to review a Will Smith movie here--I won't say which one--even though I'm NOT the biggest Will Smith fan. However, I kindly decided against it after he went off half-cocked and bitch-slapped a hapless reporter while he was promoting his latest film--I won't say which one--in Moscow when said hapless reporter tried to give him one of those European-style man kisses AFTER he voiced his "support" for Barack Obama's recent stance on "gay" marriage. I guess Will's one of these macho-asshole-dickhead types who "supports" the "gays" so long as they keep their distance (you know, kind of like those racist dickwads who claims they don't have a problem with "blacks" so long as none of them dates their daughter). This, of course, wasn't the first time Will has assaulted a hapless reporter who got "too close." Because of all this, I'm designating this movie blog as a Will Smith Free Zone. Of course, I'm certain his movie and/or crappy-ass rap career will survive as I'm sure he wouldn't give a tin shit what this small town white boy has to say about him. And, since I know he doesn't care, I have another special message I would like to give Mr. Smith if I may: STOP SHOVING YOUR TALENTLESS FUCKING KIDS DOWN OUR FUCKING THROATS!!!! Just a suggestion, Will! A sidenote: I also thought it rather amusing that Big Willie apperently felt it wasn't "manly" for a man to kiss another man. So how DOES he "prove" his, uh-hum, manhood? By giving the reporter who tried to kiss him a girlie backhand slap. Yep, Will, that was REAL "manly" of you! Tommy Lee Jones would be SO proud!

GHOST RIDER

Ghost Rider is yet another comic book film adaptation starring noted weirdo actor Nicolas Cage in the title role. In the film, Nic Cage plays daredevil motorcycle rider Johnny Blaze who becomes the literally flaming skull-faced vigilante Ghost Rider after making a deal with the Devil--played by legendary actor Peter Fonda--to save his dying father. Of course, the crafty Devil winds up killing Johnny's Daddy anyway in a--what else!--motorcycle accident after making the deal with Blaze. To honor his rather crooked deal, the Devil enlists Johnny 's "help" as the Ghost Rider to fight against his sons who are--of course!--trying to take over the world and turn it into a living Hell. The ultra-hot Eva Mendes plays Cage's obligatory love-interest in the film. Gravelly-voiced legendary actor Sam Elliot also plays the previous Ghost Rider from the Old West who manages to ride away (pardon the pun!) and hide from the Devil for years and ends up helping Blaze save the world from the Devil's offspring. The movie, as you can probably guess, has a B-movie vibe to it, and that includes the acting. There's also--again, as you might've guessed--a cheesiness to the flick. However, in spite of its B-movie quality and its apparent cheesiness, it's not that bad of a film. It's definitely a passable film to watch on a slow night and you've got nothing better to do (and, believe it or not, I mean that as a compliment!). A sidenote: Johnny Blaze/Ghost Rider's motorcycle was reportedly modeled after Peter Fonda's bike in his legendary sixties film Easy Rider. Just thought you'd like to know!

BULLY

So let me see if I got the basic premise of this film correct: The producers of this film spend a year filming what's got to be the geekiest, scrawniest, gawkiest, nerdiest kid they can find being mercilessly bullied by his fellow classmates with the stated purpose of "stopping" bullying. Uh-huh. Well, they [the film's producers] sure as shit did a grand job of stopping THIS kid from being bullied, didn't they? Then there was that insipid controversy about the film being granted an R rating for the all the cursing that goes on while the kid's being bullied (those fucking kids!) and the film's producers petitioned the MPAA who grants movie ratings to give the film at least a PG-13 rating and they [the film's producers] even enlist such A-listers as Meryl Streep who stated her agreement with the film's producers that this film should be seen by every schoolkid and whatnot to help stop bullying for good. Again, uh-huh. Apparently they [the film's producers] have never heard of this little thing called the World Wide Web where they could have put it up FOR FREE like that "Kony" guy did and everyone--including Hollywood lefties--were kissing his ass until he went totally batshit crazy. I wonder why they [the film's producers] DIDN'T go the "free" Internet route since, of course, their [the film's producers] stated "goal" was to have every single schoolkid see this movie to supposedly help "end" bullying once and for all? Hmmmm, that's a real puzzler, isn't it? Oh yeah, here's a personal message I would like to give to the film's producers personally: If you TRULY want to stop bullying, then might I suggest the NEXT time you see a kid being mercilessly bullied PUT DOWN THE FUCKING CAMERA AND HELP THE KID OUT!!!! Just a suggestion, you know?

AN ODE TO GWYNETH PALTROW

Let's face it: there's a lot of people in this country who thinks that actress/"singer" Gwyneth Paltrow, well, sucks. And they don't think she "sucks" because they think she's a bad actress--I mean, she did win an Oscar for Shakespeare In Love--but because of her other activities; like, for instance, her seemingly incessant need to tell others how to live either through her interviews or through her godawful Website appropriately-called Goop and her being one of these countless whiny narcisstic celebrities who whine about their celebrity and then turn around and talk about seemingly every single aspect of their personal life in practically every single interview she gives. It's shit like this which is undoubtedly why many moviegoers cheered at her rather cheesy-ass death scene in the film Contagion. However, in spite of all this, I decided to write an "ode" to Miss Paltrow because she's apparently NOT shy about showing us, shall we say, the goodies in many of her flicks, including the aforesaid Shakespeare In Love. I mean, for all of her apparent--again, shall we say--quirks, the daughter of Blythe Danner is one sexy beast, as Austin Powers might say (and I believe Gwyneth starred in one of those flicks too!)! So, here's the deal, Gwyndie dear, keep taking it off for the camera and I won't bitch too much about your other--once again, shall we say--qualities, all right? A sidenote: One time a while back while I was watching the celebrity gossip show TMZ (hey, I was bored!), they showed a video captured by paparazzi (of course!) showing Gwyneth out with her D-Bag husband who's the D-Bag lead singer of the D-Bag "rock" group Coldplay--whose D-Bag name escapes me for the moment--beating up on some wimpy paparazzo. The interesting thing about the video, I thought, was that there were about half-a-dozen photographers there surrounding them, including the one with the video camera, and Mr. D-Bag Coldplay guy seemingly went after the shortest--and thereby weakest--one. Man, what a fucking D-Bag! Normally I would ask why Gwyneth is married to such a D-Bag, but I believe it's rather obvious, don't you? 

THE GREEN BERETS

The Green Berets, like the earlier-reviewed John Wayne flick The Conqueror, is a film that I've only watched a minute or two of, but that was quite enough for me to realize how bad it SUCKED. In this film, Wayne plays a Green Beret during the Vietnam War, and was actually one of the few if not the only pro-war film released during that time. And that certainly DIDN'T happen by accident as the Defense Department actually contacted The Duke and actually asked him to do a pro-war propaganda film in support of the highly-unpopular war. And the result was THIS piece of jingoistic cinematic crap. Of course, this film is, like countless other gung-ho right-wingers past & present (George W. Bush & Dick Cheney, are you listening?), was the closest John "Marion" Wayne EVER came to actual combat as he all but admitted how he avoided serving his (supposedly) beloved country during WWII by saying during one interview how he had contacted the military during that time and asked about signing up but said military informed him how he would have to start out as a lowly private just like anyone else and that apparently didn't sit none too well with The Duke as he said that he decided his, er, talents would be better served if he stayed behind--while his fellow thespians were actually serving their country--by appearing in "patriotic" war movies. Put another way, John "The Ultimate American Patriot" Wayne would have rather PLAYED a war hero than actually putting his life on the line--as, of course, he demanded OTHERS do (and, of course, chastised those who didn't)--and maybe--just maybe!--become one himself. The Ultimate American Patriot, indeed! Oh yeah, this film also stars George "Mr. Sulu" Takei (but, of course, THAT shouldn't be held against him!).