SANTA'S SLAY

 

Santa's Slay is one of the most underrated "holiday" (and, no, Fox News, I didn't say Christmas!) films of all-time. It stars pro-wrestler Bill Goldberg as Santa, only this Santa is not the jolly old fat man we've all come to know and (supposedly) love. No, Bill's Saint Nick is a homicidal psychopath (the best kind of psychopath!). The movie starts off with Santa breaking into this incredibly annoying family's house--through the chimney, of course!--where they're having a (gag!) traditional Christmas feast and Santa winds up--dare I say it!--slaying them all in hilariously brutal ways (like, for instance, he drowns one guy in a bowl of eggnog!). But, for all you (so-called) Christmas purists out there who would no doubt object to this (Bill O'Reilly, are you listening?), the family-in-question consists of rather annoying former SNL player Chris Kattan and Fran Drescher who's otherwise known as that highly annoying chick from The Nanny with that highly annoying laugh, so thus it's a family you'd WANT to see offed in a hilariously brutal fashion! Anyway, the reason why Claus is not so jolly in this film is because he was defeated in battle eons before by an angel (played by Robert Culp who died a few years after making this film) and was therefore "cursed" by said angel to become the jolly old fat man we've all come to know and (allegedly) love. However, once Santa's "curse" is lifted he goes back to his TRUE murderous psychopathic self (and anyone who's familiar with the Santa Claus legend knows that isn't really too far off the mark) and begins--again, dare I say it!--slaying both the wicked and the not-so-wicked alike. Culp's character again fights Santa along with his grandson and girlfriend, and, of course, you'll just have to see the film to see how that fight ends, OK? Favorite scene in the film: when Santa goes into a strip club (nobody tell Mrs. Claus!) where, upon gazing at all the scantily-clad strippers (but then, are there any other kind!), he goes, "Ho, ho . . . hoes!" Then he grabs one of them and kisses them full on the mouth. (Gives new meaning to the phrase "So, little girl, what do YOU want for Christmas?", doesn't it?) Oh yeah, by the way, have you ever noticed how, if you rearrange the letters in the name Santa, you get SATAN? Just saying, Fox (Non) News (Bill "Mr. Christmas" O'Reilly, are you STILL listening?)!