AN ODE TO LINDSAY LOHAN

 

I thought I'd take a break from reviewing movies to pay homage to (purported) actress Lindsay Lohan. Why am I doing this, you might be asking? To be brutally honest, I don't really know! It's not that I'm a big fan or anything of Lindsay's films since about the only film of hers that I've actually watched all the way through is her flick Freaky Friday that she starred in some years back with Jamie Lee Curtis (of Trading Places and Tony Curtis fame) back when she was considered both a child star and a bankable actress that wasn't all that bad (for a "family-friendly" flick, that is, and we all, of course, know how much I just LOVE those!). Hell, I haven't even watched Mean Girls yet (which is arguably her biggest hit and most popular film). I am even LESS of a "fan" of Lindsay's public persona as she comes off as just another spoiled, entitled young Hollywood starlet who bitches about their "fame" (Kristen Stewart, are you listening?) and then tries to capitalize in some way on said fame (in Lindsay's case, she's obviously tried to use her supposed fame to keep her voluptuous ass out of jail for DUI and other drug-related charges). However, in spite of all this, I'm totally and completely obsessed with this chick! It might have a little something to do with her semi-nude and fully-nude appearances--where she "appeared" as, ironically enough, Marilyn Monroe (and we all know what happened to HER, don't we?)--in magazines like New York and her newest one in--where else?--Playboy (where she was reportedly paid a million smackers to pose in ze buff; only in America, am I right, people?) even though, in her Playboy nudie pics, she looks like a stripper's version of Marilyn Monroe (if said stripper was airbrushed all to hell, of course!). Still, it seems like the more nudie "appearances" Lindsay makes, the more I become obsessed with her! She just seems to ooze--dare I say it!--sexuality, meaning that if you were to get together with her, if you know what I mean (and I'm, of cuurse, sure that you do!), she'd give you a night you WOULDN'T soon forget (but then, I could be wrong about that!)! Put another way, Lindsay reminds me of that high school cheerleader you thought was a stuck-up bitch but STILL fantasized about doing all types of naughty things to her; again, if you know what I mean (and, again, I'm sure that you do!)! However, there are other famous chicks out there that I'm totally and completely obsessed with (but NOT in a "stalker" way, of course!), so WHY am I focusing on the rather embattled Lindsay Lohan? Well, it's like Gerard Butler said to Katherine Heigl in the earlier-reviewed "chick flick" The Ugly Truth: "Beats the shit out of me!" (Hope THAT clears it up for ya!)