TED

 

 

Ted marks the directorial debut of Seth MacFarlane who's the weirdo, uh, I mean, the guy who brought us Family Guy (yes, THAT Family Guy!). As one might expect, this is most definitely NOT a children's flick in spite of the cute little teddy bear taking a leak in the movie poster. Anyway, the flick starts off--dare I say it!--innocently enough as a young boy wishes that his stuffed teddy bear can become real. Well, the little boy gets his "wish" and THEN some as Ted the Teddy Bear--voiced by Seth MacFarlane himself (which, of course, could explain why Ted sounds suspiciously like Peter Griffin)--not only "magically" comes to life but grows up to be a foul-mouthed, pot-smoking horny little stuffed bear who, among other things, encourages prostitutes to take a deuce on the floor. Oh, did I mention this was NOT a kid's flick? Anyway, the little boy whose wish brought Ted to life grows up to become Mark "Don't Call Me Marky Mark!" Wahlberg who has a hot-as-hell live-in girlfriend played by Mila "That Hot Chick From That 70s Show" Kunis. Of course, Mila's character wants Mark's character to grow up and/or settle down and she blames Ted--who also lives with the cozy couple--for him not doing so. As a result, Ted is made to move out and get a job. He ends up getting a job as a cashier at a grocery store, much to Ted's chagrin, where, among other things, he ends up bumping teddy uglies with the hot-as-hell cashier in back of the store on top of the produce. Again, did I mention this WASN'T a kiddie flick? Actually, this film wasn't as raunchy as I thought it'd be. Of course, as I've just pointed out, this flick has MORE than its fair share of raunchy moments, but it does have its--again, dare I say it!--sentimental moments as well, especially towards the end when Ted gets kidnapped by some weirdo who wants a "magical" teddy bear of his own and for his equally-weirdo son and Mark's and Mila's characters come to Ted's rescue and Ted gets--spoiler alert!--ripped in half by said weirdo and winds up going to teddy bear heaven (or hell!). As a result, Mila's character "wishes" that Ted will come back to life and . . . well, I don't think I have to tell you what happens next, do I? As you can probably already tell, Ted is not only NOT a children's flick but is most definitely NOT for the easily-offended! So put the kids to bed BEFORE you watch this flick (or don't, I don't really care!)! Best line in the flick: "No, I don't sound like Peter Griffin!" Second best line in the flick: "Is that a shit?"