WE'RE THE MILLERS

We're The Millers is a comedy flick starring Jennifer Aniston (of Friends and Brad Pitt fame) and Emma Roberts (who's the daughter of actor Eric Roberts and the niece of actress Julia Roberts). Unlike a number of other R-rated "comedies" released in recent years (and, yes, I'm looking at YOU, The Hangover!), We're The Millers is actually a FUNNY movie as well as being raunchy and sexy. The flick is about a low-level pot dealer who runs afoul of a rich drug lord supplier. To make amends with said rich drug lord supplier, the lowly pot dealer agrees to run an "errand" for him, the "errand" being him going down to Mexico and pick up a small load of pot--or a "smidgen" as he calls it--and bring it back to him in the States. So the pot dealer comes up with an ingenious plan that, to avoid attracting unwarranted attention to himself, he would bring along his "family" consisting of a stripper who lives in his apartment building (played by Aniston), a rather goofy "virginal" 18-year-old kid who also lives in his building, and a street urchin whom he and the kid "rescue" one night from a gang a ruffians (played by Roberts). Anyway, they rent an RV and go down to Mexico to pick up the "smidgen" of pot. However, they discover when they pick it up that it's not a "smidgen" but a whole busload of pot that they have to take back to the States. On top of that, it turns out the pot actually belongs to another high-level--and violent--drug kingpin. Of course, hilarity ensues when they travel back to the States while being chased by this drug kingpin; like, for instance, when the goofy "virginal" 18-year-old gets his testicles bitten by a poisonous spider. There's also another hilarious scene when they meet up with another family traveling in an RV--who turns out to be a DEA agent and his family (of course!)--who encourages the pot dealer and the stripper, believing they're an actual married couple, to help them "spice up" their love life inside their tent one night while they're all camping out (and, of course, you'll have to watch the movie to see what I'm talking about!). There's also a sexy-ass striptease that Aniston's character performs to "distract" the kingpin and his thugs when they catch up to them. If THAT doesn't convince you to watch We're The Millers, I don't know WHAT will!

Here's the sexy-ass Jennifer Aniston striptease scene from We're The Millers (from YouTube):

AN ODE (OF FU?) TO SCARLETT JOHANSSON a.k.a. A CELEBRITY WHO COULD BE A PORN STAR!: A Commentary W/Pics & Clip

AN ODE (OF FU?) TO SCARLETT JOHANSSON a.k.a. A CELEBRITY WHO COULD BE A PORN STAR!: A Commentary W/Pics & Clip

AGAINST THE DARK

Against The Dark is yet another straight-to-video Steven Seagal flick. This one is different from Seagal's usual cinematic fare in that it's more of a horror flick than a straight-out action flick that he's most noted for. The plot of this film centers around a virus that spreads worldwide (of course!) that turns its victims into a kind of vampire/zombie hybrid that both eats people and infects others by biting them. The non-infected civilians must fight to survive (of course!). This film focuses on a group of survivors who get trapped in this hospital that's been overrun with these vampire/zombie hybrids and they must fight their way out before the military "cleans" the hospital and the surrounding area by bombing the hell out of it. To be honest, I wasn't really expecting much from this film, especially given that it was a Steven Seagal straight-to-video flick, but, I must admit, I was rather surprised at how--dare I say it!--entertaining this particular flick actually was in spite of the fact that it "starred" Steven Seagal. Actually, Steven's role is rather negligible in this flick as he's more or less phoning it in as the leader of a group of "hunters" who patrol the streets killing off these vampire/zombie hybrids. There's not a whole lot of martial arts in the film, though there are a number of fight scenes between the "hunters" and/or the group of non-infected civilians. Of course, not everyone makes it out alive towards the end. Now, the million-dollar question it, does Steven make it out alive? Seeing as he co-produced the thing (and given that he stars in it), what do YOU think? Frankly, I think Steven Seagal could've been kept out of the flick entirely and it would have been JUST as entertaining, perhaps even MORE so! Overall, in spite of the fact that it "stars" Steven Seagal (and I'll, of course, let you decide for yourself if that's a good or a bad thing!), Against The Dark isn't that bad of a horror or action flick or whatever cinematic genre you want to put it in. In fact, I'll go as far as saying that it's actually better than some other vampire/zombie flicks I've seen and/or reviewed on this blog (again, in spite of the fact that it "stars" Steven Seagal!).

RED RIDING HOOD

Red Riding Hood is a 2011 "horror" flick that's supposed to be loosely based on the children's fable Little Red Riding Hood. The film stars Amanda Seyfried in the title role. In the film, Red's old-timey village is being terrorized by a werewolf. So the villagers enlist the help of this fanatical werewolf hunter played by Gary Oldman. (I was actually kind of surprised to see Oldman in a movie such as this. Perhaps he needed a quick paycheck?) Oldman's character is also a sadistic religious whack-job (but then, aren't they all in these type of films?). For instance, in one particularly harrowing scene, he tortures a young boy who's clearly mentally-challenged to the point he can hardly speak. But, because he's "different" from the other villagers, he gets targeted and interrogated by Gary's sadistic character and, when he can't give him the name of the wolf, he tortures him by throwing him in this nasty little torture device called The Elephant that ends up killing him (you can, of course, watch the film to see what I'm talking about). Nice! Anyway, Seyfried's Red has two love-interests in this flick (of course!). One is a good guy whom her family wants her to marry and the other is a stereotypical bad boy (again, of course!). And guess WHICH one Red goes for? (Hint: it's NOT the good guy!) This film is marred by occasional overacting and even bad acting at times not to mention the special effects are ofttimes cheesy. Also, some of the clothing worn by some of the villagers looks more "modern" than others (I'm not sure what time period exactly this flick is supposed to be set in). Which is kind of surprising given that this film stars Seyfried and Oldman and was even produced by none other than Leonardo DiCaprio (of Titanic fame). So it probably goes without saying that Red Riding Hood is by no means a great film, although I would call it passable. It would certainly do on a slow night when there's nothing else "good" on TV. Plus the fact that Amanda Seyfried (who starred in the previously-reviewed sex-fest Chloe) makes about the sexiest Red Riding Hood I've ever seen (which, of course, is the primary reason I initially wanted to see it!)! And, yes, there's even a dream sequence where Red and her Grandma in the film say the lines about "What big eyes you have, Grandma!" and "All the better to see you with, my dear!" from the fairy tale which I thought was more than a little lame. Oh well! Again, at least Amanda Seyfried looked HOT as always! Oh yeah, in spite of its title, Red Riding Hood doesn't do any actual riding in the flick (well, except for the bad boy she's into, which, of course, WASN'T in the original fairy tale!)!

THE NAKED HYPOCRISY OF CAMERON DIAZ (Or The Tale Of Cameron’s Sex Tape): A Commentary W/Pics & Clip

THE NAKED HYPOCRISY OF CAMERON DIAZ (Or The Tale Of Cameron’s Sex Tape): A Commentary W/Pics & Clip

CHILD'S PLAY

Child's Play is a rather entertaining little horror flick released back in 1988 about a demonically-possessed murderous doll named Chucky. The film begins with a cop chasing after a notorious serial killer who's been dubbed the Lakeshore Strangler. After The Strangler's partner-in-crime flees, the cop corners The Strangler in a toy store (of course!) where he gets shot by the cop. Before he dies, he transfers his soul to a doll called a Good Guy doll by chanting this voodoo spell. Suddenly the store is struck by lightning and explodes, making the cop believe that The Strangler is dead & buried. The possessed Good Guy doll is bought by this single mom from this homeless man who found the doll in the wreckage of the toy store for her young son for his birthday. Having to stay and work late at her job, she has her friend and coworker pick up her son at school and babysit him at their apartment where she gives him the doll. The doll introduces himself to the kid with his infamous tagline: "Hi, I'm Chucky. Wanna play?" Of course, when the babysitter puts the kid--and Chucky--to bed, Chucky ends up hitting said babysitter with a hammer and throws her out the kitchen window where she plunges to her death. And, of course, the cop who "killed" the Lakeshore Strangler believes that it may have been the mother's son who did the evil deed and doesn't believe the kid when he says that Chucky did it. Afterwards, Chucky "convinces" the kid to skip school one day and take him by bus to his former partner's place so he can seek revenge for his ditching him the night he got shot by the cop. He ends up blowing up his house and, again, the cop believes the kid had something to do with it and ends up taking him away from his mother and putting him in a psych ward. The mother finally sees that her son is telling the truth when Chucky tries to kill her when she sees that he's "operating" without batteries. However, she still has no luck convincing the cop of that. That is, until Chucky tries to stab the cop while he's driving in his car in what's got to be the most memorable--and hilarious--scene in the flick. Chucky manages to escape and the cop and the boy's mother work together to defeat Chucky once and for all (or at least until the sequel!). Actor Brad Dourif, of course, did the voice of Chucky and, in my opinion, did for the Chucky character what actor Robert Englund did for the Freddy Kruger character in the Nightmare On Elm Street horror franchise. The film spawned a number of sequels, including the horrifically bad Seed Of Chucky. However, unlike some of the sequels (especially the later ones), the first Child's Play was more of a straight-up horror flick. Made on what would today be regarded as a "shoestring" budget, I think one of the reasons why the film works as a horror flick because it plays upon the childhood--and even adult--fear of the "creepy" doll. I think a lot of people can remember seeing that one doll when they were a kid that not only looked creepy-as-hell but looked like it could come alive at any moment and just strangle the life out of you. I mean, let's face it, Chucky just as a doll alone would probably scare the living hell out of most kids AND adults even without the serial killer's soul inside of it, you know what I mean? Even this blog's namesake Roger Ebert gave this film a positive review even though he was known to not be a major fan of horror flicks. Actually, I thought the kid--who appeared in subsequent Child's Play sequels--was about as creepy as Chucky in this film, especially towards the end when he (spoiler alert!) sets Chucky on fire in the fireplace while he's trying to choke his mom (but then, kids in horror flicks tend to creep me out anyway, but I digress!).

Here's a clip of the car scene from Child's Play (from YouTube):

THE LORDS OF SALEM

The Lords Of Salem is an "independent" horror flick directed by rocker-turned-director Rob Zombie (of White Zombie fame). The film is about . . . well, to be quite honest, I'm not entirely sure what in the blessed hell this flick is about. First off, the film begins back in Salem, Massachusetts during the time of the Salem Witch Trials and a group of--you guessed it!--witches are standing around a huge campfire when all of a sudden they strip off their robes and they're standing around said fire naked--and I'm NOT talking about "good" naked either!--and they all start running around the fire and scream their heads off at each other while a goat watches. That was my FIRST clue this was going to be one effed-up flick! Anyway, the film centers around a female radio DJ in Salem--played by Rob Zombie's "uber" hot wife Sherrie Moon Zombie--who turns out to be the descendant of a Reverend Johnathan Hawthorne who had the coven of witches we see at the beginning of the film burned at the stake. The head witch, it turns out, "curses" all descendants of Hawthorne while she's burning at the stake and promises that one of said descendants will give birth to Satan's child or whatever (and we, of course, find out later on why this is so important). Anyway, the DJ receives this mysterious record album at the station by a group no one has ever heard of called The Lords and/or The Lords Of Salem (it goes back & forth in the film). When she and her fellow DJ's play the weird-sounding record on the air, it puts her and the other women of Salem who are listening into a trance. From there, the DJ's "hallucinations" continue to get worse and worse; like, for instance, she "hallucinates" that this priest is sexually assaulting her when she goes inside this church and then she wakes up and runs out of the church where she has another "hallucination" of a "demon" with a misshapen grey head walking towards her with a goat on a leash. (In fact, since the DJ is a recovering--and then later relapsing--drug addict, it's kind of left open to interpretation whether or not she's having drug-induced "hallucinations" and whatnot.) Anyway, three more "witches"--or whoever the hell they are since the film really doesn't make that quite clear (at least not to me)--who are not only sisters but one of whom is the DJ's landlord are somehow "controlling" the DJ throughout much of the film. In the last half of the film, which is without a doubt the most effed-up part of the film, they "convince" her to give birth at this concert hall to this creature that's supposed to be the anti-Christ or something (although it looks more like the face-planting alien from the Alien films). In between her giving birth (with bloody streams running out from between her legs, by the way), we see "visions" of the grey "demons" dressed in priest robes "masturbating" and naked women walking in unison while wearing goat heads and the DJ straddling a goat and . . . well, you get the effed-up picture. The movie ends by (spoiler alert!) showing the DJ standing atop what looks to be a pile of female corpses while looking like a "demonic" version of the Virgin Mary with white eyes as the three sister "witches" or whoever the hell they were look on with apparent awe all the while this Velvet Underground song plays. Then the movie cuts to the credits where we hear this voice-over of a man discussing how there was an apparent mass suicide of a group of women, all of whom happen to be descendants of people who lived during the time of the Salem Witch Trials, inside the concert hall and added how the DJ had mysteriously disappeared. Yeah. As you can probably imagine, this isn't one of Rob Zombie's better-known--or better-liked--horror flicks. That, of course, isn't to say that The Lords Of Salem is a necessarily bad movie. It was just--how shall I put it?--nonsensical (again, at least for me). As for his wife Sherri Moon's role in the film, while she certainly isn't the best actress around (although I will say she was pretty menacing in her hubby's horror flick House Of 1000 Corpses and its sequel The Devil's Rejects), she does have a definite, shall we say, presence, especially towards the beginning in the film where she's lying butt-naked on the bed (yeah, I know, I'm a perv!). As for the film itself, I would recommend it for those horror fans who don't mind their horror flicks being effed-up. Otherwise, I would suggest watching one of Mr. Zombie's more--dare I say it!--traditional horror flicks like the aforesaid Corpses and/or Rejects and/or his Halloween reboots. I will give kudos to Rob for trying to do something different instead of the standard "slasher" horror fare, but there's different and then there's . . . this. (No offense, Rob!) Frankly, I think that maybe--just maybe!--Rob's wife Sherrie was busting his chops about making her the "lead" in one of his movies as opposed to a mere co-star and he pulled THIS one out of his . . . well, you know!

Here's a clip from The Lords Of Salem (from YouTube) where Sherri Moon Zombie's DJ character goes into a room in her apartment building that is apparently "haunted" or "possessed" or whatever it is (and you can, of course, see for yourself just how effed-up this flick is!):