BAD SANTA

Bad Santa is a 2005 comedy "holiday" flick starring noted weirdo actor Billy Bob Thornton. In the film, Thornton plays a VERY foul-mouthed, boozing and womanizing washed-up safecracker who poses as a department store Santa while he's planning a caper with an African-American "little person" who's also his longtime burglary partner. While he's planning said caper, Thornton's character hides out at this weird kid's house whom he meets while he's posing as said department store Santa and who actually believes he's the real Santa. (And when I say weird, I mean a future Ted Bundy-type weird!) And, while this film might--and I say MIGHT--be regarded as a "holiday" flick (at least technically so!), about the only thing "holiday" about it is that it has "Santa" in the movie title as this has got to one of the MOST effed-up politically-incorrect flicks I have EVER seen (and, believe you me, that's saying a lot!)! I mean, Thornton's "Santa" actually curses out the children TO THEIR FACES!!!! And, when he's NOT acting like a verbally-abusive D-Bag to the kids while dressed in a Santa suit (which he wears in about three-fourths of the film, by the way), he's boozing it up and having carnal relations with oversized women in, let's say, unholy places (and, for those who haven't seen the film yet, I'll just let you figure THAT one out for yourself, all right?). And Thornton's "Santa" doesn't have a major life-changing revelation at the end of the film ala Scrooge, although he does seem to soften a bit--just a bit!--towards the end of the film after his African-American "little person" burglary partner--and his Asian-American full-sized girlfriend--double-crosses him and attempts to kill him and he--spoiler alert!--gets shot in the back multiple times by police while dressed in his Santa suit--in front of a group of screaming children, of course!--while he tries to deliver his "present" to the weird kid he's been hiding out with after a high-speed chase. (Puts you in the "holiday" spirit, doesn't it!) Of course, I won't say whether or not Thornton's "Santa" survives said police shooting (though here's a hint: at the time of this writing, they're planning on releasing a Bad Santa 2!). So if you're looking for a annoyingly cheerful Hallmark Channel-esque "holiday" flick to watch, Bad Santa is definitely NOT the flick for you since, as you can CLEARLY tell, Miracle On 34th Street this flick most definitely AIN'T! But, if you're like me and you'd like to see a "holiday" flick that's anything BUT annoyingly cheerful and Hallmark Channel-esque, then Bad Santa is most definitely the "holiday" flick for you (you Scrooge!)! Oh yeah, the film also stars the late John Ritter--in his final film role, by the way--and comedian Bernie Mac. (I'll let you decide for yourselves if you think that's a good or a bad thing, OK?)  

Here's a video compilation of some funny clips from Bad Santa (again, Hallmark it AIN'T!):

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES

Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is the fourth installment of the popular film franchise (based on a ride at Disney World, no less!). This film continues to follow the adventures of eccentric pirate "Captain" Jack Sparrow--played excellently by Johnny Depp in what's perhaps his most iconic role to date--who's always getting himself into--and, of course, out of--trouble. In this film, Jack gets shanghaied first by the British empire and then by the notorious pirate Blackbeard--played menacingly by Ian McShane--with the help of his sexy pirate daughter Angelica--played by the "uber" hot Penelope Cruz--whom Jack had "corrupted" years before--and whom Jack first finds her "impersonating" him at this pirate bar and they get into this sword fight before being chased by the British navy whom Jack had escaped from--to find the legendary Fountain Of Youth. Along the way, they encounter half-naked mermaids--who turn out to be man-hungry demons of sorts--and even former pirate Captain Barbossa--played, of course, by Geoffrey Rush in all four POTC films--who is now a member of the British royal navy. Personally, I think On Stranger Tides is the best out of all three POTC sequels as it seemed to return to the more humorous aspects that made the first one--and by far the best one--such an enjoyable film (even if it WAS based on a Disney ride!). Frankly, I think the other two POTC sequels took themselves a bit too seriously for my tastes. And, of course, having half-naked mermaids AND sexy-as-hell Penelope Cruz as one of the sexiest cinematic female pirates of all-time definitely DOESN'T hurt! Oh yeah, there's also a cameo by rocker Keith Richards (of Rolling Stones fame) as Sparrow's father--who also made a cameo in the previous POTC sequel--whom Depp famously "based" the Sparrow character on. (As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!) 

Here's a clip from On Stranger Tides (from YouTube) on the Jack Sparrow sword fight scene with Blackbeard's daughter Angelica. Enjoy!

MY TAKE ON THE “ANTI-PORN” FILM THE LOCK IN: A Commentary AND Review

MY TAKE ON THE “ANTI-PORN” FILM THE LOCK IN: A Commentary AND Review

GOD LOVES UGANDA

God Loves Uganda is a 2013 documentary about the horrid persecution of gays and lesbians in the African nation of Uganda in the name of religion, specifically Christianity or so-called Christianity. The movie examines the "influence" of U.S. evangelicals in this anti-gay fervor, most notably an evangelical/missionary outfit called--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--International House Of Prayer. Yes, IHOP! Anyway, IHOP regularly sends missionaries to spread the Good Word to Uganda and other places in Africa. Now, to be fair, IHOP does seem to do some decent humanitarian work in Uganda and other places in Africa. Here's the specific issue I have with this and other evangelical/missionary work: whatever "humanitarian" work that "Christian" outfits like IHOP does more-often-than-not comes with a pricetag in that they'll provide said "humanitarian" work so long as the natives "listen" to their "Christian message" and whatnot. Of course, the documentary also focuses in on the rampant AIDS crisis in Africa, including Uganda, and how homosexuals have been blamed for said AIDS crisis and/or the perceived rise in so-called immorality in Uganda and Africa in general. And, yes, the documentary also zeroes in on the VERY controversial "anti-gay" law that was eventually passed in Uganda--which was largely "influenced" by so-called Christian activists such as the rather vile "anti-gay" U.S. minister named Scott Lively who actually had a meeting with Uganda officials (gee, I wonder what THEY were talking about!)--that calls for "practicing" homosexuals to be locked up and even given the death penalty in certain instances. Of course, one's own personal beliefs will no doubt largely determine how one views this documentary; like, for instance, a more religious person might view this film as "anti-religious" and one who supports LGBT rights will no doubt be appalled by what's going on in Uganda. Speaking strictly for myself, I am ALWAYS appalled whenever rampant persecution against a certain group is done in the name of religion regardless of what religion that may be (and, yes, that includes the rampant and sometimes violent persecution of Christians in predominantly Muslim countries, just so you know). Documentarian Roger Ross Williams lets his "bias" be known right from the very beginning and, there again, some--or most--in the religious community would probably see Williams as having an "anti-religious" or "anti-Christian" bias, although, to be fair, he does interview a couple of "pro-gay" bishops, including one in Uganda who himself has been "targeted" for his "pro-gay" beliefs. Williams was reportedly influenced to make this documentary by an Uganda gay-rights activist named David Kato who was featured in the film and who was bludgeoned to death presumably because he was a gay-rights activist. Again, God Loves Uganda might be an uneasy film to watch either for gay-rights activists or pro-religious types; again depending on what your point of view on this issue might be. I must say, I find it rather ironic when I hear so-called Christian evangelicals harp in the film and elsewhere about gay-rights advocates and gays and lesbians in general trying to "indoctrinate" others, especially young people, into the "gay" lifestyle when some--including, of course, myself--might point out that it seems like the MAIN ones who are doing the "indoctrinating" of young people and others, as portrayed in the documentary, ARE THE SO-CALLED "CHRISTIAN" EVANGELICALS THEMSELVES!!!! I mean, it's NOT like I've ever had any "gay" people coming to MY door handing out pamphlets and whatnot explaining about their lifestyle, you know what I mean?  

ELYSIUM

Elysium is an action/sci-fi movie starring Matt Damon and Jodie Foster. Actually, it could also be called a political thriller since the political "message" of this film is anything BUT subtle. The film takes place in the not-so-distant future where the wealthy--i.e. the 1%--live in luxury in a space station called Elysium while the rest of the population--i.e. the 99%--live in abject poverty and squalor on a ruined Earth. On top of that, the "citizens" of Elysium have access to health care that can cure practically any disease and can even reverse the aging process. (A not-so-subtle nod to so-called Obamacare, perhaps?) Jodie Foster plays a rather ruthless Defense Secretary on Elysium named Delacourt who seemingly has no empathy or compassion whatsoever. She even orders a group of ships carrying "illegal" immigrants shot down before they can reach Elysium. (A not-so-subtle nod to Republicans, perhaps?) Anyway, Matt Damon plays Max, a former car thief on parole who works at the plant assembling robots that act as the police who are rather ruthless. Anyway, one day while on the job, Max is exposed to a lethal dose of radiation and is given five days to live. He convinces a local criminal named Spider to help him get to Elysium to help cure him in exchange for Max's help in getting some information that's embedded in the brain of a big-time CEO who also happened to be Max's former boss who is taking this information to Delacourt so she can overthrow the President whom she regards as weak so she can take over Elysium. Because of his weakened condition, Spider equips Max with an exoskeleton that's infused with his body. After his operation, Max goes with some of Spider's men to retrieve the information from said CEO. During the ensuing battle with the CEO's robotic bodyguards and a group of "sleeper" agents working for Delacourt led by a hardcore criminal named Kruger after shooting down his ship, the CEO is mortally wounded, though Max and Spider's men are able to retrieve the information and embed it in Max's brain. A wounded Max barely escapes and seeks the assistance of a former girlfriend of his who is also a nurse. She patches him up the best she can and he tells her what's happened to him and his plan to go to Elysium so he can be cured. She begs him to take her ailing daughter with him, but he refuses saying that it wouldn't be safe. After Max leaves, Kruger and his men kidnaps the nurse and her daughter while Max goes to Spider who tells him that the info he uploaded into his brain is a way to reboot Elysium and therefore allow the entire population of Earth to become "citizens" of Elysium and thus have access to their health care. (Again, a nod to Obamacare?) Max goes and tracks down Kruger to make a deal with him to take him to Elysium unaware that he's kidnapped the nurse and her daughter. While en route to Elysium, Kruger and his men try to get "fresh" with his ex-girlfriend and a fight ensues causing their ship to crash on Elysium. Max along with the nurse and her daughter are arrested by Delacourt. While Delacourt is attempting to extract the information from Max's brain even though the process would kill him, Kruger's men reconstruct Kruger's face that was all but blown off during the explosion on their ship. After he's revived, Kruger seeks out to retrieve the information from Max's head for himself so he can take over Elysium after--spoiler alert!--he kills Delacourt with a shard of glass to her throat. Max manages to escape before Delacourt's doctors can upload the info from his brain. After he gets outfitted with an exoskeleton of his own that's more powerful than Max's, they both do battle and . . . well, I won't tell you how it ends, although you can probably pretty much figure that out for yourself. I must say, Matt Damon seems like an unlikely action hero, although he proved his action film chops with his popular Bourne movies. Elysium is actually not a bad action/sci-fi flick. I just wished they focused more on the action and less on the film's rather heavy-handed and/or ham-fisted political "message" and whatnot. Even the film's director Neill Blomkamp--who also directed the popular sci-fi film District 9 that seemed to be less heavy-handed (though that may have been because that film was about aliens who get stranded on Earth and are treated like . . . well, you know!)--himself copped to this when he reportedly stated of the movie's overall theme at the time: "Everybody wants to ask me lately about my predictions for the future . . . This isn't science fiction. This is today. This is now." It doesn't get MORE heavy-handed than THAT, does it?

DON'T GO IN THE WOODS

Don't Go In The Woods is a "horror" film that came out a couple of years ago and is not--I repeat--NOT to be confused with the eighties slasher "classic" of the name (and, as you're about to see, that's a VERY good thing!). This film also marks the directorial debut of noted actor Vincent D'Onofrio who's perhaps best known for his role on one of those countless Law & Order shows. I must say, if this film is indicative of Vincent's "talent" as a filmmaker (as opposed to an actor), then I think he'd do best just to stick with acting since this film--oh, how do I put this?--SUCKED. The movie is about the lead singer of this indie rock group--who is such a pretentious little D-Bag he makes Justin Bieber look like Jim Morrison!--who convinces his bandmates to spend some time out in the woods so they can write some new songs for their next album. Upon entering the woods, they come across this ominous-looking sign that reads: Don't Go In The Woods. They ignore it. When gathering firewood, they come upon a cabin filled with assorted weapons, including a sledgehammer (and you're about to see why that's so important). They again ignore it. (You see where this is going, don't you?) While they're practicing, they're joined by their girlfriends and other girls, including this French chick who speaks broken English (and, again, you'll see why that's important). Then they ALL start singing and dancing and even breaking out the bongos at one point (and THAT'S when I started thinking that maybe--just maybe!--this flick was going to SUCK!). The singing and the dancing and the bongo-playing goes on for about the next thirty minutes or so. The only killing that occurs during this time is the band's manager who gets lost in the woods and ends up getting killed by the killer, although we don't get to see the actual killing but rather see the camera sneak up behind said manager and then the screen all of a sudden fades-to-black. The next killing scene occurs when a couple of the girls leave in a huff and they walk back to their car. Now I feel I should point out that one of the gals bursts out in song for no apparent reason while having unseen musical accompaniment. (Oh, did I mention this flick was also a damned musical?!) So, anyway, before they drive away one of the gals goes into the woods to take a leak while her pal waits in the car. All of a sudden the windshield gets hit with an unseen object--which turns out to be the sledgehammer--and the girl in the car starts to scream before she gets her head bashed in (which again we don't see). Of course, this is a scene we have seen in countless OTHER horror flicks, but I digress. Anyhoo, we go back to the campsite where there's even MORE singing, including a song that the band's blind bass player plays with his bass--even though there's no electricity for him to hook up his amp--that goes something like: "I'm glad I'm blind so I can't see all the bad in the world!" Yeah. At one point, some of the group gets confronted by a couple of intense-looking hunters who actually stare at them silently for about a minute before they stalk off. The thing about THIS scene is that we never see these hunters again EVEN THOUGH THERE'S A KILLER IN THE VERY SAME WOODS THEY'RE HUNTING IN!!!! And the plot holes DON'T end there! After "meeting" the not-doomed hunters, one of the band members finds out their van won't start and, when he goes back to inform the lead singer, instead of calling for help LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WOULD DO, he instead has everyone hand over their cell phones and then smashes them in a fit of anger. Oh, wait, it gets better! Two of the girls, including the French chick who speaks broken English, go off in the woods alone together hand-in-hand where they sing yet another crappy-ass song--again, complete with unseen accompaniment!--about how much they "love" each other or whatever before the killer comes out and grabs the one chick and drags her off screaming. The French chick then goes off to "warn" the others but, instead of speaking in English, she starts singing. In French. Yeah. This, of course, gives the killer enough time to "sneak" up behind her and whack her behind her head with his trusty sledgehammer. I think I should also point out at this point that the killer is dressed in--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--a top hat and a cape, making him look like a hokey street magician one might see on the streets of Las Vegas instead of some maniacal killer. Anyway, as the rest of the group are running and/or being picked off by the killer, the lead singer decides to abruptly stop running and start singing another crappy-ass song and make his girlfriend record the damn thing. When she finally does run, she gets attacked by the killer while her boyfriend's song is playing and, as she tries to get away from the killer, she starts singing her boyfriend's lame-ass song. Anyway, the lead singer--spoiler alert!--winds up killing the killer while he's apparently so mesmerized listening to the recording of his lame-ass song that he doesn't see him picking up his sledgehammer that he's inexplicably dropped on the ground AND EVEN THOUGH HE'S LOOKING DOWN RIGHT AT HIS SLEDGEHAMMER and conks him on the back of the head and his body drops down in the lake. (What got to me about this scene is that one moment the lead singer is drenched in blood and the next moment he doesn't have a speck of blood on him. Go figure!) Then the lead singer leaves his girlfriend lying on the ground practically bleeding to death. The movie ends--again, spoiler alert!--with this record executive played by Eric Bogosian--who also starred with Vincent in that Law & Order show (and was probably doing him a favor)--handing him a copy of his latest album while he's wearing a top hat (seriously, what the hell is up with top hats in this movie?!) which is called--wait for it!--Don't Go In The Woods and telling him he did a good thing ditching his bandmates. Then he stares ominously at the camera making viewers wonder if he was the real killer (at least that's what Wikipedia made you believe!) before the credits start rolling AND HIS CRAPPY-ASS SONG THAT HE SUNG ABOUT TWO OR THREE TIMES BEFORE IN THE FLICK STARTS TO PLAY!!!! I, of course, could probably go on about how much this movie SUCKED but I believe you get the idea at this point, don't you? There have been, of course, other horror musicals, the most famous one being arguably The Rocky Horror Picture Show, although that was arguably more of a "comedy" than a straight-up horror flick. About the only thing horrific--besides, of course, the music--and/or comedic--besides, of course, the music!--was the scene where the keyboardist gets impaled to a tree with his keyboard, which was one of those portable numbers you can buy from Wal-Mart for about ten or twenty bucks. I mean, this movie was SO damn bad that I was actually begging the killer to kill all of them and put ME out of my damned misery! Hell, he probably killed all of them not because he was some deranged killer but rather he wanted them to stop playing their shitty music! This movie actually started off promising enough with the killer attacking this girl--there again, off-camera--and then we get a quick shot of the girl's mutilated body. Plus the woods the movie took place in--which was reportedly shot on Vincent's own property--looked pretty creepy. But the movie itself .  . . well, you know! I mean, if this movie wouldn't be in my top five least favorite films of all-time, horror or otherwise, it would most definitely be in my all-time top ten. Don't Go In The Woods? More like DON'T GO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!

Here's a clip from YouTube of the blind bass player's "I'm glad I'm blind!" song (my apologies in advance!). (Here's something about said blind bass player's death scene: He gets pelted with rocks from the killer--I guess he misplaced his sledgehammer!--and actually recites lines from his lame-ass song before the killer bashes him over the head with a big-ass rock. There again, he was probably just trying to get him to shut the hell up, you know what I mean?)

COCKNEYS VS. ZOMBIES

Cockneys vs. Zombies is a 2012 horror film that was also billed as a comedy. This flick is among a rather long line of something-versus-zombies flicks that seem to have been popping up the past few years with the success of the zombie genre as a whole (like, for instance, the immensely popular TV show The Walking Dead). However, unlike some of those other flicks (like, say, Strippers vs. Zombies), this flick actually ain't half bad. The film takes place in--where else!--London (is it just me or do a lot of these zombie end-of-the-world type flicks take place in London?) and focuses on two "slacker" brothers who seek to help out their hardnosed grandfather who had raised them after the deaths of their parents (who died in a shootout with police while they watched). To keep the nursing home where their grandfather is residing in from closing down, they plan to rob a bank with the help of a couple of friends--including a psycho gun-toting black guy with a plate in his head--and their hottie cousin. However, during the course of said bank robbery, London falls victim to a--what else!--zombie plague. So, instead of being on the run from the law, they--along with their hostages--are on the run from--again, what else!--zombies when they try to rescue their beloved grandpa and the nursing home residents. I must say, it was rather amusing to watch the old folks gunning down the zombies (especially the old dude fighting in the zombies while in his wheelchair!)! Besides that, one of my favorite things about this flick was British actress hottie Michelle Ryan (who's perhaps best known, at least in the U.S., as having starred in the title role in the ill-fated Bionic Woman TV reboot some years ago). Michelle, of course, plays the hottie cousin who can unpick locks, hotwire cars and kick zombie ass! One minor complaint I did have with this flick, though, is that the accents got a little thick at times and was kind of hard to understand at times. Other than that minor issue, Cockneys vs. Zombies is actually a pretty entertaining flick--and, as I've pointed out before on this blog, I'm not the biggest fan of zombie flicks in general--and is not as campy or as silly as one might expect given the movie's name (and, honestly, how many films--horror or otherwise--can one say THAT about?). 

Here's a sexy still of Michelle Ryan from Cockneys vs. Zombies!

Here's a sexy pic collage of Michelle Ryan for your, uh-hum, enjoyment (from YouTube):