DIRTY DANCING

 

 

So, let me get this straight, a film about an older man having an, uh-hum, affair with a girl who's not technically, shall we say, "legal" is not only considered a "romantic" film but a "family" film as well? Plus it has an "illegal" abortion to boot? What's next, Deep Throat being regarded as social commentary? (Oh, wait a second . . .) 

KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE

 

 

This movie was a spoof on what was then considered pop culture (and, as you undoubtedly know, it hasn’t improved much since then!). In the final scene, actress Tara Strohmeir (and please don’t ask me how to pronounce her last name, alright?) and her “boyfriend” start making out while watching the eyewitness news and, as things start to get, uh-hum, friskier, the newsman, “seeing” what’s going on, calls in three of the crew and they all start making groaning noises and cheering them on as Tara and her “boyfriend” bump some serious uglies. It’s one of those scenes where you’ll laugh while you’re, uh, doing other things at the same time (and, believe you me, I’ve done plenty of both with this one!)! Oh yeah, the spoof of "Catholic High School Girls In Trouble" is also, uh, hilarious! Yeah, that's it! And, oh yeah: DEEP THROAT!!!! (You'll just have to watch the movie to see what I'm referring to, alright?)



YOUR HIGHNESS

 

 

 

There is one main reason to watch this film: Natalie Portman's thong-laden derriere! Need I say more? I didn't think so!

NINA ASSASSIN

 

 

 

In case I haven't already stated this before, I'm a huge fan of cheesy-ass karate flicks. And they don't come much more cheesy-ass than Ninja Assassin! Actually, this is one of the more elaborately-made "ninja" flicks I've seen (for more on less-elaborately-made "ninja" flicks, check out the earlier-reviewed The Hunted and Enter The Ninja). Ninja Assassin stars Korean pop star Rain as the head ninja assassin Raizo who was an orphan raised by a ninja clan who trains him and other children to be--you guessed it!--ninja assassins. Along the way, Raizo becomes disenfranchised with said ninja clan after they murder his love-interest who's a fellow ninja-in-training who escapes before getting caught and executed as he's made to watch. When he turns upon his master, his fellow ninja attack him and leave him for dead. Needless to say, he survives and wreaks his ninja-esque vengeance upon his former clan. Along the way, he enlists the help of a Europol investigator--who's a female, of course!--who he rescues from being assassinated by said ninja clan and one of her colleagues who are investigating his former clan. Like I said, Ninja Assassin is of better quality than other "ninja" flicks I've watched in the writing, acting and the action sequences (which can get pretty gory at times even for a "ninja" movie, which, in turn, aroused the ire of a number of film critics). That probably has something to do that it was produced, at least in part, by the people who brought you movies like The Matrix flicks (of course, just how good some of those flicks are are likewise opened to debate!). Of course, the real reason to watch a movie like this is not for the plot or the acting but rather for the action scenes. And, in that regard, Ninja Assassin does not disappoint! Plus this flick has one of the coolest movie posters EVER!

IN DEFENSE OF GEORGE LUCAS

 

 

 

In case you haven't figured it out from some of my posts, I'm a HUGE Star Wars fan. However, certain Stars Wars fans, not so much! I mean, some--or most--Star Wars fans griped when George Lucas re-released his original Star Wars trilogy with "updated" special effects, then they griped when Lucas released the prequels and now they're griping because Lucas dared sell his beloved Star Wars franchise to--horror of horrors!--Disney. To which I say: GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!!! To paraphrase William Shatner from that by-now-infamous--and hilarious!--Saturday Night Live "Trekkies" skit during the eighties: "Get a life! It's JUST a movie!" It's certainly NOT something to base your entire life on (as some tend to do). Now I can just hear the Star Wars fans practically screaming at me at this point how dare I say this, especially with me being such a HUGE fan and all. But I say there are far, FAR more important things to get "upset" over than Mickey Mouse taking over the Star Wars helm. In spite of what the D-Bags from South Park may have claimed, Star Wars "belongs" to George Lucas, NOT the fans, and he can therefore do what the hell he wants to do to HIS films, as far as I'm concerned. For the record, the reason why I'm such a HUGE fan of the Star Wars movies is because these movies helped make my childhood a little easier (and, as Forrest Gump might say, that's all I'm going to say about THAT!). That's why George Lucas is kind of a "hero" to me and that's why I myself get a little miffed whenever I hear someone gripe about him; like, for instance, those D-Bags from South Park, one of whom actually boasted in their Playboy Interview how they approached Mr. Lucas--drunk--and told him to his face how much The Phantom Menace "sucked" and how no one should go see it. (Frankly, fellas, I don't think anyone who takes a cinematic dump like the earlier-reviewed BASEketball is in much of a position to tell ANYONE that their movie "sucked," you know?) The bottom line is, Star Wars is entertainment. Granted, some of the movies were more "entertaining" than others (which I will attempt to get into more detail later on), but it's entrainment nonetheless. I know I'm committing "sacrilege" by saying this, but this is MY movie review blog, so there! Not only that, but I bet that those very same Star Wars "fans" who are bitching about Disney now "owning" the franchise--and who might even do a pretty good job making new Star Wars films (did anyone stop to think about THAT?)--would more than likely bitch about George Lucas releasing another Star Wars film himself (especially since he insisted he would make no more Star Wars films). You think? 

DOGFIGHT

 

 

 

Readers of this blog (God help you!) will know that I'm not much of a "fan" of romantic-esque movies (The Ugly Truth not withstanding!), but this is one of the few romantic-type flicks that I actually did, for lack of a better word, enjoy. It stars the late River Phoenix, who died of a drug overdose a couple of years after this film was released, and Liv Tyler as the lovebirds. River plays a Marine named Birdlace who is about to be shipped off to Vietnam who brings a waitress he just met played by Tyler named Rose to this "contest" thrown by his fellow Marines called a "dogfight" where soldiers bring "unattractive" women to see who is the most--again, for lack of a better word--ugly. When Rose learns of what's going on from one of the other "contestants" she meets in the ladies room, she understandably flies into a rage and punches Birdlace's lights out before stomping off. Birdlace, feeling guilty, approaches Rose again to try to make amends. They end up going on a "date" that ends up with them in bed (and, no, I'm not talking about actual sleep!). Birdlace leaves for Vietnam and (spoiler alert!) finds Rose again when he comes back. Dogfight is a rather low-key "romantic" flick that's actually--and this will probably be the LAST time I use this word on this blog!--sweet. Fellas, if your gal keeps pestering you about wanting to watch a "romantic" movie, just pop in this one. With its title, she might think you're watching another one of your "guy" flicks. Imagine HER surprise (and, of course, YOUR reward!)! Enjoy!

KICK-ASS

 

 

 

Kick-Ass is about a "geeky" boy who decides to turn himself into a superhero named--you guessed it!--Kick-Ass. However, he soon discovers that being said superhero is not nearly as glamorous as he envisioned; like, for instance, during his first outing as Kick-Ass, as he attempts to stop a car-jacking, he gets stabbed and then run over by a car. After getting metal pins and other medical implants put into his body ala Wolverine, he continues on as Kick-Ass and allies himself with two other superheroes, an 11-year-old who calls herself Hit Girl (played by promising young actress Chloe Grace Moretz) and her father who calls himself Big Daddy (played by noted eccentric actor Nic Cage who, for some reason, didn't get top billing in the film). Big Daddy was a former cop who was framed after he refused to be on the "take" for a notorious drug kingpin whom is on BD's hit list for framing him. Although BD may dress like Batman, he is anything BUT Bats as he goes through a warehouse and slaughters all the bad guys and he winds up getting set on fire when he and Kick-Ass are captured after being set up by another supposed superhero named The Red Mist who is actually the son of said notorious drug kingpin. Hit Girl also follows in her father's footsteps as she rescues Kick-Ass from some baddies by slicing & dicing them all to pieces. This film, understandably, drew criticism from certain critics who blasted the film for its excessive violence and crass language, especially coming from 11-year-old Hit Girl, among them celebrated film critic--and this site's namesake--Roger Ebert who pointed out how inappropriate it was for a movie like this to be released during a time when you hear about kids killing each other in the news all the time. While i can certainly see Mr. Ebert's point, and while I agree this movie at times can be pretty brutal, the kids-committing-violence plot has been mined before in films, e.g. in the late John Wayne's film The Cowboys where a bunch of young cowpokes--some of whom were even younger than the Hit Girl character--avenge The Duke's death by gunning down all the bad guys responsible for The Duke's death. Plus you can pretty much see about the same level of violence in prime-time TV nowadays. Roger Ebert also pointed out in his review of this film how the average-person-becoming-a-superhero plot has likewise been mined before in previous films, e.g. the late John Ritter's 1980 flick Hero At Large comes to mind. Going back to the film, Kick-Ass teams up with Hit Girl to avenge her father's death. Are they successful? Well, they are, at the time of this writing, planning a sequel, if that should tell you something! In any case, while Kick-Ass might not be for every moviegoer, especially ones who prefer their superheroes NOT to be cold-blooded foul-mouthed murdering vigilantes (The Punisher, anyone?) and who are in fact disturbed by watching little girls commit cold-blooded acts of murder (even if those acts are committed against the bad guys), it's an especially good film to watch for those who get tired of seeing the typical superhero flick (like, of course, yours truly!).