CHOPPER

 

 

Chopper is a 2000 Australian-made film (supposedly) about the life and criminal "career" of an Australian man named Mark "Chopper" Read and loosely based on his "autobiographical" books which became best-sellers in Australia. The film starts by letting you know upfront how this is NOT a "biographical" film since they apparently took a lot of "liberties" with this guy's (supposed) life story. In other words, this flick is probably about as made-up as Read's books probably were. I believe I've posted before how it takes a lot for me to really dislike or even hate a film. Well, to be brutally honest, the only thing that I found even remotely "likable" about this film is the acting of Eric Bana who plays "Chopper" in the film. Other than that, this film is basically an hour-and-a-half of a brutish A-Hole brutalizing those around them. I mean, if he's not stabbing and/or shooting someone for really no good reason, he's brutalizing those around him, including his girlfriend and even his girlfriend's mother whom he head-butts when she dares try to stop him from "attacking" her daughter and then "blames" her for "making" him act so brutally towards her and her mom. Nice! My guess is, the real-life "Chopper" was a low-level "criminal" at best and, realizing what a useless S.O.B. he truly is (or was since he died back in October of this year), he wrote his "autobiographical" books to build himself up and make himself and/or his apparently worthless life--he was, not surprisingly, in and out of prison for a good chunk of his life--look tons better than it actually was (if you call "admitting" to about 20 murders and/or the attempted murders of about a dozen more people "important," that is). And the scandal-hungry media, not surprisingly, ate his whole "act" up (the Australian version of 60 Minutes actually interviewed this worthless D-Bag just before his death where he claimed he actually "killed" about only four people and not the 20 or so he initially claimed). In short, Chopper amounted to about 90 minutes of my life I'll never get back and, quite frankly, I could've done without watching this film and/or "learning" about the, uh-hum, life of Mark "Chopper" Read. If any of my fellow movie-watchers wish to waste THEIR time watching a film about a guy who spends his time acting like a brutal bastard, have at it! (This film, by the way, has actually become a sort of "cult classic" and won a slew of awards from the Australian Film Institute mainly for Eric Bana's acting, which, like I said, is about the only redeeming thing about this particular flick.) About the only "noble" thing this guy had seemingly done in his whole entire useless life is that he reportedly refused a liver transplant as he reportedly said to give said liver transplant to someone more "deserving" than him (but then, this was probably just another "fabrication" on his part to make himself look more "noble" than he actually was, you know?). A sidenote: Another prime example of Hollywood going ga-ga over useless bastards would be the film American Gangster. (In case you're wondering, the reason why I'm not reviewing this film separately is because I haven't watched it and don't plan on watching it, to be honest.) The film stars Denzel Washington as a Harlem "gangster" named Frank Lucas who was, if you "believe" the film, a high-level drug kingpin in Harlem during the seventies. Even Denzel Washington himself hyped this guy in interviews while promoting the film how big of a drug dealer he was. In reality, Lucas was a low-level drug dealer at best as Frank himself dismissed the film about his own life as being pretty much un-factual. Even some of the investigators who investigated Lucas and his drug-dealing associates wound up suing the producers of the film claiming they had been "slandered" by their less-than-factual portrayal in the film (the lawsuit was, of course, thrown out). Again, why Hollyweird chooses to focus their "attention" on these worthless A-Holes/D-Bags like "Chopper" Read and Frank Lucas is beyond me. On second thought, I know why they do it: MONEY!!!!  



DRIVE ANGRY

 

 

Drive Angry is a rather weird-ass film in a rather long line of weird-ass films that actor Nic Cage has done in recent years (Bad Lieutenant, anyone?). In Drive Angry, Nic plays a deceased criminal who escapes out of Hell to rescue his infant granddaughter from being sacrificed by a--you guessed it!--Satanic cult led by a Jim Jones-type who's hell-bent (pardon the pun!) on destroying humanity or some such thing. Along the way, Nic's character is joined by a hot-as-hell waitress played by hot-as-hell actress Amber Heard who spends the film wearing these shorty-shorts and/or some other type of tight apparel. Anyway, Nic & Amber's characters spend their time dodging not only the cops but this Satanic assassin-type guy called The Accountant who poses as an FBI agent who seeks to return Nic's character to Hell where he clearly belongs. Anyway, Drive Angry is an appropriate title for this film as at least three-fourths of the film consists of car chases (when, of course, Nic's character isn't blowing people away!). It should come as no surprise that this film, along with pretty much every other Nic Cage film of recent years, took a drubbing not only from critics but at the all-important box office. Granted, this film--as, again, with other recent Nic Cage flicks--isn't for everyone as it's more likely to appeal to fans of those Grindhouse-style "uber" violent flicks from the seventies of which this film is clearly mirrored after. It's actually kind of similar to Nic's comic book flick the previously-reviewed Ghost Rider, although, at least in my oh-so-humble opinion, Drive Angry is more bad ass than that flick (especially its sequel Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance!). And, yes, in spite of what a good number of the "critics" said about Drive Angry, I did rather enjoy this film, although I think it would've been more interesting if it showed Nic's character actually breaking out of Hell (but then, I'm rather weird-ass that way!). A sidenote: I'll give Nic Cage credit in one area: From all the drubbing he's taken in recent years not only for his choice of movie roles but his rather weird-ass off-screen antics (Google it if you dare!), he's apparently not afraid to take on movie roles that other actors of his (former?) caliber--remember, he HAS won an Oscar--would probably not take (but then, he probably does it for an apparently much-needed paycheck given his reported financial woes, but I digress!).



REAL STEEL

 

 

Real Steel is basically a flick about a bunch of robots beating the crap out of each other with a rather schmaltzy father-son story thrown in. Actually, Real Steel is a pretty entertaining little flick in spite of it being a not-so-subtle rip-off of other films--think Rocky with robots!--and you can see the ending coming a mile away. The film stars Hugh Jackman (of X-Men and Wolverine fame) who plays a rather sleazy former human boxer in the future who's barely eking out a living fighting robots which has completely replaced human boxing. Hugh's character gets informed that an ex-girlfriend of his has died thus leaving him the 11-year-old son he abandoned upon learning that his girlfriend was pregnant. Hugh's character agrees to take the boy temporarily in exchange for several thousand dollars. Along the way, Hugh's character begins bonding with his estranged son and . . . well, you already know where this is going, don't you? Anyway, along the way father & son pick up a discarded robot out of a robotic trash heap after the robot Hugh's character spends all the money he got for "watching" his own son gets thoroughly trashed in a robot boxing match. Over his father's initial objections, the son enters the robot--whom he names Atom--in an "underground" robot boxing match and--surprise!--Atom the Robot wins. Against all odds, Atom the Robot keeps winning robot boxing matches and ends up catching the eye of the robotic boxing big leagues. After winning a big match against the reigning robot boxing champion, Atom the Robot gets a shot at boxing Zeus, a robot boxer behemoth who's never lost a match. Again, you know where this is going, don't you? Like I said, Real Steel is an entertaining enough flick in spite of its, shall we say, familiar plot, and even I must admit I found myself rooting for Atom the Robot during his climatic match with Zeus (even though, there again, I knew how it was all going to turn out at the end). This flick would especially appeal to those who do in fact enjoy watching robots beating the crap out of each other (if they can overlook all the father-son schmaltz, that is!).



COP OUT

 

 

Cop Out is a "cop buddy" movie directed by "independent" film director Kevin Smith (of Clerks and Chasing Amy fame) starring action flick stalwart Bruce Willis (of Die Hard fame) and Saturday Night Live alumnus Tracy Morgan. In the movie, Willis and Morgan play a couple of rather bumbling police officers who end up going after a gangster for stealing Bruce's character's rare baseball card that he wants to use to pay for his daughter's wedding. (Yes, ladies & gents, this is the "plot" of this particular flick!) This flick uses just about every "cop buddy" flick cliche imaginable as Willis is seemingly doing a parody of his celebrated John McClane Die Hard character and Morgan does his Saturday Night Live schtick he's been doing for years. This flick seemingly tries to have it both ways as it's both a "comedy" and an action flick. The action scenes are actually pretty good, in my oh-so-humble opinion, but the comedy aspect of it--again, in my oh-so-humble opinion--tends to fall rather flat. Critics of Kevin Smith's films have charged that his flicks can either be hit-or-miss, and, like a number of critics of this film have surmised, I'm sorely tempted to put it in the "miss" category. Personally, I think Smith did it primarily to make money (which it actually was a "minor" hit at the box office and was reportedly Smith's highest-grossing flick to date). Diehard (pardon the pun!) fans of Bruce Willis and/or Tracy Morgan might really enjoy this flick, though. Like they say, there's no accounting for taste! (That was me trying to be "comedic," by the way!) A sidenote: Kevin Smith has stated in various interviews, including one he did for Playboy (where he once photographed his naked wife being groped by Superman, by the way!), how he nearly came to blows with Bruce Willis on the set of Cop Out, which is really not so surprising considering Bruce's D-Bag reputation on the sets of his films. The original title, interestingly enough, was A Couple Of Dicks. Ironically, if they had kept THAT title, it would have been the funniest part of the whole damn movie!

SILENT NIGHT

 

 

Silent Night is a remake of the “classic” eighties horror “slasher” flick Silent Night Deadly Night. The flick is about a killer Santa Claus--or rather a serial killer dressed up in a Santa suit and a mask--who goes on a killing spree in a small town where he kills those whom he deems as naughty and NOT nice. The film stars Malcolm McDowell (of A Clockwork Orange and Halloween fame) who hams it up as the rather egotistical town sheriff--and who looks like a deranged Santa himself in the film!--and actress hottie Jaime King as his deputy. The film itself is pretty standard horror “slasher” fare with some dark humor thrown in. Perhaps the most disturbing scene in the film is when “Santa the Slasher”--by the way, he’s NOT called that in the film--shows up at a young girl’s front door--a foul-mouthed ungrateful young girl who keeps giving her mother a hard time (naughty, get it?)--and zaps her bratty ass with a taser, causing her to foam at the mouth, before skewering her. My own personal favorite scene is when a tattooed model--played by Cortney Palm (no pun intended!)--runs around TOPLESS for about five-ten minutes of the film. It’s my favorite scene of the film, that is, until “Santa the Slasher”--seriously, why WASN’T he called that in the film?--chases her down at a Christmas tree lot where he slashes her leg off with an ax before throwing her TOPLESS body into a wood chipper. (Sexy!) Like I said, Silent Night is pretty standard horror “slasher” fare. It certainly WON’T disappoint fans of the horror “slasher” genre. I would say it’s even a step above some of the other rather cheesy horror “slasher” flicks I’ve seen. It even shows you the killer’s “origins” at the end of the film where, as a young boy, he watches his father burn down his cheating mother in front of a church with a flamethrower--which the killer also uses in the film (and what deputy Jaime uses to set him on fire towards the end of the film)--while dressed up in a--you guessed it!--Santa outfit who gets gunned down by Jaime King’s cop father who gets offed in the film by said Santa killer. (Is it too late to say spoiler alert?) Is Silent Night “better” than the original? Like they say on Fox (Non) News (but, of course, DON‘T mean!): You decide! Best line in the film (from one of Santa‘s sexy victims before she gives, shall we say, oral pleasure to another guy in a Santa suit): “It looks like Santa is gonna come early this year!” Second best line (from the aforesaid young girl before she gets tased by Santa): “I didn’t ask for that!” A sidenote: The original flick Silent Night became one of the most controversial films released during the eighties after parent groups objected to the ad campaigns for the flick depicting Santa Claus as a serial killer. Said angry parent groups actually managed to get the flick pulled from theaters after it had been out in theaters for just a couple of weeks (after, by the way, it had beat out Wes Craven’s “classic” horror flick A Nightmare On Elm Street for the top horror spot the week it was released). Even this blog’s namesake the late Roger Ebert thoroughly trashed this film and even read the film’s production credits on the movie review show he co-hosted with the late Gene Siskel--who said the money made from the film amounted to “blood money”--and said “shame, shame, shame” after each one. However, Roger Ebert would later describe the “classic” horror film The Silence Of The Lambs as a “horror masterpiece” even though it’s about a--that’s right!--serial killer who skins women and wears their skin. Go figure!