AN ODE TO JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Jennifer Jason Leigh, in my-so-humble opinion, is not only an underrated actress but an underrated sex symbol as well. That may be because, unlike her better-known contemporaries, Jennifer has tended to take on darker roles, especially roles that involve darker sexuality. For instance, she was gang-raped in Last Exit to Brooklyn. She was abducted and had a torrid affair with her abductor in Flesh & Blood. She kissed Bridget Fonda at knifepoint and gave Bridget's boyfriend a rather disturbing BJ in Single White Female. Even in her fluffier roles like in the eighties teen classic Fast Times at Ridgemont High, while her co-star Phoebe Cates got all the accolades for her by-now-legendary topless pool scene, Jennifer's rather ample nudity in the flick has gotten nowhere near the accolades probably because, in her first "love" scene, her character loses her virginity while complaining how much it hurts and, in her second "love" scene, her character's sexual encounter leads to a pregnancy and an eventual abortion. Plus the fact that Jennifer actually looks like your typical teenager in the film unlike Phoebe who looks like Hollywood's version of your typical teenager. Even in her non-sexual roles, her performances can be memorably intense such as in the earlier-reviewed The Hitcher where she gets strapped to two semis and literally torn apart by her abducter played by Rutger Hauer (who also played her abducter/lover in the aforementioned Flesh & Blood). Regarding her sex symbol status (or lack thereof), Jennifer Jason Leigh is not considered to be as glamourous as, say, an Angelina Jolie or a Julia Roberts even though, as far as her acting capabilities are concerned, she's just as good as Jolie and Roberts and--again, in my-so-humble opinion--perhaps even better. 

EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE

Next to Showgirls and Basic Instinct, Embrace of the Vampire is without a doubt one of the greatest celebrity nudie flicks of all-time! It stars the ultra hot Alyssa Milano in her post-Who's the Boss? days when she was seemingly doing everything she could--short of doing hardcore porn!--to shed her "good girl" image. And believe you me when I say that she sheds said "good girl" image in more than ways than one in THIS soft-core flick! The plot, if anyone cares, is a rather convuluted tale of a vampire--played by Martin Kemp who was the bassist for the eighties soft rock band Spandau Ballet--who has the hots for a human female played by Miss Milano. Gee, where have we seen THAT plot before (Twilight, are you listening?)? Of course, as I've just pointed out, the plot is most definitely NOT the reason to watch this flick as Alyssa shows practically everything she's got (and I, of course, am NOT talking about her acting!)! There's also a couple of pretty hot lesbian scenes between Milano and co-star Charlotte Lewis (who's perhaps best known as the hottie in the Eddie Murphy vehicle The Golden Child), although Charlotte keeps her clothes on, unfortunately enough (though she has showed us her goodies in other flicks as well as in--where else!--Playboy). In one famous and/or infamous scene, Lewis takes topless pictures of Alyssa, and, in the other scene, Alyssa actually fingers Charlotte (and, no, I don't mean they played a kiddie game together, if you know what I mean!)! And, lest anyone thinks I'm being a complete sexist pig here, Martin Kemp also shows his naked behind in an "imaginary" three-way scene with Milano and Lewis and another actor who plays Alyssa's human love-interest in the film whose name is . . . aw, who the hell cares, right? Alyssa Milano is buck-ass-naked! Just make sure you, uh-hum, watch the "unrated" version (for, I believe, obvious reasons!)! A sidenote: Alyssa Milano, like Sharon Stone initially did with Basic Instinct, has expressed regret about doing this movie. She's even had her very own mother to send cease & desist letters to Websites who post "unauthorized" pics of her daughter's nudie scenes in this flick. Of course, judging from how many sites I've seen her nudie pics  from this film on, she hasn't had very much luck in this regard, if you know what I mean (and, as always, I'm certain that you do!)!  

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Friends With Benefits is what one would call a "chick flick," albeit a more raunchier one. It stars former boy bander Justin "I'm Bringin' Sexy Back!" Timberlake--who, if you'll recall, also starred in the earlier-reviewed film Bad Teacher (and who's actually a pretty decent actor)--and Mila Kunis (of That '70s Show fame). Justin and Mila play "friends" who, after going through bad break-ups, decide to just have sex with each other and skip all the emotional baggage that comes (pardon the pun!) with being in relationships. Well, after bumping uglies for a period of time (and rather hilariously, I might add!), things get complicated (of course!) and they both wind up having feelings for each other (again, of course!). Now, at this point, I don't have to tell you how the flick turns out, do I? Although Friends With Benefits is pretty much your standard "chick flick" fare and you can pretty much guess the plot as you're watching it, it's actually not a bad film and is more tolerable--and, of course, raunchier!--than other so-called "chick flicks" and you can watch it with your gal without feeling too whipped in the process. Mila also shows some skin in the flick, although she does have a butt double (while, unfortunately for us fellas, Justin DOESN'T).

BUG



Bug, if I'm not mistaken, was the last film Ashley Judd (who's a member of The Judds clan) starred in, and, I've got to tell you, it's one creepy-ass flick! It's based on a play of the same name, and it shows. Anyway, in the flick, Ashley Judd plays a woman living in a rundown motel as she's trying to run away from her abusive husband played by singer/actor Harry Connick, Jr. While at the hotel, she comes across this creepy-ass drifter played by rather eccentric actor Michael Shannon who also starred in the play version of this flick. Anyway, during the course of the film, both Ashley and Michael's characters delve further and further into madness as Michael's drifter character convinces Ashley's increasingly unhinged character how he had these "experiments" conducted on him while he served in the military and that's why his body is "infested" with bugs, a delusion which increases when the hotel room actually does become infested with--you guessed it!--bugs. And things go from bad to worse when Connick's abusive character enters the picture and it seems to trigger something within Ashley's character and she becomes convinced, with Michael's character's help, that his supposed military experiments were somehow "linked" to her son's disappearance some years before. Then this rather weird-ass doctor shows up and tells her that said drifter is actually a--surprise! surprise!--mental patient who needs serious help. Have you got all of this thus far? I won't tell you how this crazy-ass flick ends except to say that, if you watch the credits, certain scenes make you question whether or not the "ending" actually happened or if it was all another delusion. Best line of the flick was when Ashley holds up her arms and cries out, "I am the queen mother bug!" Best scene is--of course!--the "love" scene between her and Shannon where Ashley once again gives moviegoers a look at her goodies (which she's apparently NOT afraid of showing!)! Mama & Sister Judd must really be proud!

ENTER THE NINJA

Enter the Ninja is such a laughably bad "ninja" flick that it makes the previously-reviewed The Hunted look like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon! It was produced by the Golan Globus Cannon company that produced a slew a martial arts and/or other action films throughout the eighties and at least part of the nineties. Sometimes these flicks were actually watchable while others, like THIS one, were so hilariously bad they were good! The film stars actor Franco Nero (precisely!) who plays a Westerner who trains in Japan to become a--you guessed it!--ninja. When his "training" is complete (although it is quite clear that someone else is doing most if not all of the main fighting sequences for him ala Tom Loughlin in the MUCH better martial arts flick Billy Jack), he travels to another Asian or Asian-esque island to visit his old friend and former war buddy played by . . . aw, who the hell cares, right? The ninja's buddy's wife is played by the MILF-esque Susan George--who's perhaps best known for her rather intense role in the Sam Pekinpah classic flick Straw Dogs (where she "stars" in one of the most disturbing rape scenes I've ever seen)--who at first doesn't seem to like her hubby's war buddy as she approaches him with a shotgun and he ends up kicking her in the shapely ass and then later she sleeps with him (although we don't get to see anything, which, of course, hasn't stopped Susan from showing us the goods before!). Anyway, Nero's character's friend owns a farm and is being threatened by the local gang because his farm is apparently right under a shitload of oil. The gang looks like they couldn't rough up a high school choir much less a bunch of farmers. Anyway, disbelief suspended, the main henchman of the gang looks like a pigman (Jerry Seinfeld, are you listening?) with a hook for a hand. And the leader of the gang isn't much better as his death scene at the hands of Nero the Ninja is SO over-the-top that it makes William Shatner's death scene in that one Star Trek film look like Shakespeare by comparison! In any case, after the final climatic battle between Nero the Ninja--or, rather, his martial arts double--and his main rival at ninja training camp and Nero the Ninja avenges his war buddy's death at the hands of and the kidnapping of his beloved Susan by said main ninja rival (spoiler alert!), he leaves Susan George in the dust and heads off to the airport after promising her that he'll be back (Ah-nold, are you listening?), he finds pigman working at the airport--since, of course, his former boss is dead with a throwing star to the chest and all--and starts running for his life and, as Nero the Ninja starts walking off in his general direction, he winks at directly at the camera as if to let moviegoers know, "Hey, I know this film is utter crap! I needed the paycheck! What's your excuse?" What's your excuse, indeed!



THE HUNTED

The Hunted is a mid-nineties ninja/samurai flick that is one of those flicks that it's SO bad it's good! The film stars Christopher Lambert (of Highlander and Diane Lane fame) and a whole slew of Asian actors and actresses whose names are too hard to pronounce. One of the Asian actresses who stars in the movie is the ultra hot Joan Chen whom Christopher bangs at the beginning of the film and, later on, he winds up watching her get decapitated by this one ninja played by John Lone (of Rush Hour fame) who's head ninja of this mysterious ninja cult who no one outside of his cult has ever seen his face. Anyway, Chris gets attacked and winds up in the hospital. When word leaks out to the ninja cult that he's still alive, they set out to assassinate him even though he winds up getting protection from this rather weird-ass samurai and his wife whose clan has had a long-standing fued with said ninja cult. Are you keeping up with me so far? Anyway, after an initial confrontation on a train where nearly everyone on the train gets slaughtered by members of said ninja cult who are all killed by the samurai and his wife, the samurai is understandably upset when Chris informs him that none of the ninja are the head ninja he's been after for so long. So he takes Chris to his secret island where he's offered protection but then he winds up being a prisoner to draw out the head ninja of the ultra mysterious ninja cult his clan has been at "war" with for so long. Again, are you keeping up with me so far? Anyway, it's during this time that Chris learns the basics of sword fighting from the samurai's drunken sword maker who makes his master a new sword after he breaks his old one to keep the police from "touching" it. There's also this rather melodramatic moment where the samurai is majorly upset that Chris has "touched" his new sword and there's a minor sword fight between the two of them where the samurai threatens to kill him even though he's supposed to be protecting him. Again, do you got that? Anyway, as you can probably imagine, there's a climatic battle between the samurai clan and the ninja cult on the samurai's clan's mysterious island and all the members of each group is slaughtered save for the head ninja--who ends up killing the samurai during their inevitable duel (spoiler alert!)--and the samurai's wife who is wounded (again, spoiler alert!) and Christopher who ends up killing said head ninja after an amazing stroke of luck (there again, spoiler alert!) by decapitating him (of course!). Oh yeah, the sword master also survives said battle after showing up after all the killing is over and done with and delivers what is undoubtedly the best line in this whole awfully "good" movie: "I must've scared all the ninja away!" Oh yeah, one more thing about this rather crazy-ass flick: the ninja featured in this flick are perhaps the most incompetent ninja in ALL of cinematic history! 

TITANIC

Since they're going to rerelease Titanic in that annoying 3-D, I thought I'd go ahead and "review" it here. The film, as you probably already know by now, stars Kate Winslet--who was nominated for an Oscar but didn't win--and Leonardo DiCraprio (and that's NOT a mispelling!) as passengers/lovers on the doomed sea vessel. This film was directed by James Cameron whom I'm not the biggest fan of (reread my earlier review of The Terminator and you'll see what I mean) and it made like a gajillion bucks at the all-important box office. Anyway, my favorite part about the movie wasn't the ginned-up "romance" involving Kate & Leo or the doomed boat or any of that melodramatic crap but rather the scene where Leo sketches Kate in ze buff and shows moviegoeres her titty, which, of course, she does in about ALL of her movies, even in a PG-13 rated "family" movie like THIS one. Hell, Kate could play the title role in the remake of Mary Poppins and she'd STILL be flashing filmgoers her bodacious ta-tas while singing, "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down!" Actually, I think Kate's breast should have been nominated for an Oscar (and, of course, WON!)! And, if nothing else, just remember, boys & girls, you CAN'T spell Titanic without TIT!

AN ODE TO JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT'S BREASTS

 



If there was EVER an award for Best Overall Prick Tease, it would undoubtedly go to actress/"singer" Jennifer Love Hewitt who has made a virtual career out of, well, prick teasing as Jennifer has appeared in countless TV shows and movies--and has even appeared half-naked in magazines such as noted "lad mag" Maxim--and has always teased TV viewers and moviegoers with her, shall we say, goodies but has never pulled a--again, shall we say--Sharon Stone or a Lindsay Lohan and REALLY showed everyone her, um, talent. Hell, even Hewitt herself has "joked" that her ta-tas has often had a BETTER career than she has had! Even some critics had "joked" that her horror flick I Know What You Did Last Summer should've been renamed I Know What Your Breasts Did Last Summer! Jennifer has been smarter than a number of Hollywood starlets, such as Lindsay Lohan, and has pretty much not gone down the druggie and/or rehab road they have gone down as about the only public controversies she has encountered is that she has been in a number of high-profile relationships, including a few broken engagements, with both "civilians" and celebrities such as--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--comic "actor" Jamie Kennedy who co-starred with Love on Ghost Whisperer--which, of course, could have been renamed Breast Whisperer!--and singer/D-Bag John "I Have a David Duke Cock!" Mayer who reportedly wrote his hit song "Your Body Is a Wonderland" or whatever the hell it was called for his then-girlfriend Jennifer. Jennifer has also recorded a song or two, one of which was even titled Barenaked! Hmmm, I wonder, if JLH trying to tell us something? Then, of course, there was that time she was caught with her then-fiance wearing a bikini with her flabby ass hanging out (and STILL looked pretty damn sexy, as far as I was concerned!). Frankly, I think if Miss Hewitt should ever "retire" from the show bizz, she ought to do a movie called My Breasts where all it is is just a 90-minutes closeup of her ta-tas and nothing more. No dialogue. No plot. Just JLH's beautiful bountiful juggies. How much do you wanna bet THAT film would become the highest-grossing flick of ALL time? (Hey, it would sure beat the hell out of The Tuxedo!) 

JENNIFER'S BODY

Jennifer's Body is probably one of the more whacked-out movies I've seen in a while (which is really saying a lot!). It stars Megan Fox (of Transformers and Brian Austin Green fame) as a high school hottie named, of course, Jennifer and bug-eyed Amanda Seyfried plays her best friend named--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--Needy. The film starts out with Needy in the nut house and, during the course of the movie, she explains why she's in said nut house. Apparently the trouble starts when Jennifer drags Needy to some seedy bar to see this indie rock group whom Jennifer is into. Well, during said indie rock group's set, a mysterious fire breaks out and, during the commotion (you know, bar patrons with their skin on fire and whatnot), the members of the indie rock group wind up dragging Jennifer off in their creepy van. Uh-oh! After Jennifer shows up later on that night at Needy's house all blood-soaked and spewing vile all over the kitchen floor, Needy realizes that something's up with her bestest bud, especially when boys start showing up around town with their entrails hanging out. And Jennifer finally spills the beans after an intense boner-inducing make-out session with Needy one night on Needy's bed--and this happens after Needy envisions Jennifer brutally killing a boy while she's banging her boyfriend Chip for the first time and she's screaming bloody murder (and not in the good way either!)--how she was brutally murdered by her beloved indie rock group who were--and, again, I'm NOT making this up!--offering her up as a human sacrifice to Satan so they could become rich & famous. The sacrifice didn't take because Jennifer wasn't a virgin and so the demon they summoned entered (pardon the pun!) Jennifer's body and thus needed souls--preferably of young men--to survive. Anyhow, Needy decides that Jennifer needs killing after she witnesses her killing her boyfriend Chip. I won't tell you how the movie turns out (but then, you can probably figure that out for yourself by now, can't you?). This movie, in spite of what some (or most) critics said, wasn't that bad, though, as you can imagine from reading this review, it was kind of silly at times, but, if you're into B-movie-type schlock with a boner-inducing lesbian make-out scene between two hot chicks (like, of course, yours truly!), you could wind up liking this flick as well. Hey, it sure beats trying to masturbate to Sophie's Choice! A sidenote: Diablo Cody wrote the screenplay for this film. What makes this so significant is that she actually won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay for writing the screenplay for her critically-acclaimed film Juno. Not surprisingly, they didn't ask for her Oscar back after this film was released!

BLAME IT ON RIO

When I first watched this movie as a horny virginal adolescent, it was like watching porn (seeing, of course, how I hadn't watched actual porn yet!). This movie stars Michael Caine (yes, THAT Michael Caine) who goes with his best friend played by Joseph Bologna (yes, that's his actual name) on a trip to Rio de Janeiro and winds up banging his hot teenaged daughter played by the ultra hot Michelle Johnson who's best friends with Caine's daughter played by the aforementioned Demi Moore. There's, of course, nudity galore in this flick thanks largely--and I do mean largely!--to the ample assets of Miss Johnson, although Miss Moore also shows her then-nearly-flattened ta-tas during a topless beach scene. Of course, hilarity ensues when Michael and Michelle attempt to keep their "affair" secret and then when Mr. Bologna's character (spoiler alert!) discovers his daughter's sexual relationship with his best bud Caine's character. My favorite scene is when Michelle Thompson takes a nudie photo of herself for Michael Caine wearing nothing but a huge grin and flowers covering her . . . well, you know! How much do you wanna bet old Michael really enjoyed, uh-hum, working on THIS picture? (Hey, I'm sure it beat the hell out of that crappy-ass Jaws picture he did!) 



AN ODE TO DEMI MOORE



Demi Moore is more known for other things than for any acting she's done in recent years--which has been rather scattershot--such as her marriage--and subsequent divorce--to former-model-turned-(alleged)-actor Ashton "Dude, Where's My Car?" Kutcher who, of course, is considerably younger than her. Of course, one could easily say that about Demi Moore's entire career as she's made headlines not so much for her acting but rather for, again, other things. For instance, Demi drew headlines for appearing nude and pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair back during the time when it was still a relative no-no for a major celebrity to pose starkers--and pregnant--on the cover of a national magazine whereas nowadays celebrities pose naked on magazine covers all the time and no one hardly bats an eye towards it (like, for instance, as I write this TV actress Kate Walsh is naked-as-a-jaybird on the cover of Shape magazine). She made headlines again when she posed starkers again on the cover of Vanity Fair this time clad only in body paint made to look like a tuxedo. Demi also made cinematic history--if one wants to call it that--by being paid a reported twelve-and-a-half million bucks more than any other actress in cinematic history to show her surgically-enhanced bod in the by-now-notorious box office bomb the appropriately-titled Striptease by playing a stripper at a club called--again, appropriately enough--The Eager Beaver (while, at the same time, bemoaning the state of women in film). Of course, it wasn't like Demi was any stranger to showing moviegoers her non-surgically-enhanced bod in previous films such as Blame It On Rio and About Last Night where she had perhaps one the most explicit "love" scenes ever captured on celluloid with, of all people, Rob Lowe (yes, the very same Rob Lowe who was caught having sex on tape with a reported 16-year-old girl). Before that, she showed everyone her, shall we say, goodies in Playboy's one-time sister mag Oui (and also showing everyone her apparent aversion to razors, if you know what I mean!) while she was appearing on the daytime TV soap opera General Hospital. Of course, this is not to say that she hasn't had at least some success in film, especially in flicks such as Ghost (where she had the hots for "ghost" the late Patrick Swayze), G.I. Jane (where she famously--or infamously--shaved her head) and Indecent Proposal (where Robert Redford paid her $1 million to bang her brains out). So Demi Moore has definitely made her mark not only on American cinema but on American (so-called) culture as well. Whether or not that's a good thing I think I'll leave to the cinematic and/or cultural experts (if there even is such a thing!) to decide whether that's good or bad, all right? Oh yeah, she was also married to Bruce "Die Hard" Willis, for those of you who've been living under a damned rock these past several years (or at least since the late-nineties!). 

BAD TEACHER

"It's not that all teachers are bad. It's just that good teachers are rare." This was from a review I read of this film starring Cameron Diaz as a VERY bad teacher who acts like she would've been better suited as a stripper, a porn star or a serial killer as she drinks, smokes dope, throws basketballs at her students and otherwise treats not only her students but her fellow teachers like, well, like absolute shit. About the only person she warms up to is a new teacher played by Justin Timberlake who acts like well, like a complete dork whom Diaz is primarily "interested" in because his family has money, which she needs to get her new boob job, which, by the way, motivates her to become a better teacher--or at least a not-so-bad one--when she discovers that the teacher with the highest grade-point average on the standardized test every year gets an extra bonus, which, of course, she "needs" to pay for said boob job. Most other reviews I've read of this film pointed out how Cameron's character doesn't "change" at the end of this flick like so many other flicks where the lead character has a life-changing moment or whatever (like, for instance, in the earlier-reviewed A Christmas Carol) and that's what the reviewers found so, shall we say, refreshing about this film. Well, actually, that's not entirely true as Diaz's character winds up NOT getting her boob job and ends up turning down Justin's dorky teacher and instead winds up with the lowly gym teacher played by Jason Segel. Of course, all this happens after she sets up her rival teacher played by Lucy Punch--whom dates Justin's teacher until she finds out that he and Diaz had literally dry-humped each other on a school field trip--on a phony drug charge when she finds out that Diaz's teacher had cheated on the standardized tests (of course!). Best line in the movie comes from Cameron after she intially "retires" from teaching at the beginning of the film and she goes home and tells her soon-to-be-ex-fiance how he'd better get "hard" and how she's about to "suck your dick like I'm mad at it!" Best scene in the film is the car wash scene when Cameron shows up in a tied-off flannel shirt and short-shorts at a school fundraiser so, again, she can embezzle the money to go towards her new tit job. Well, that scene and the other scene where Cameron is feeling up the plastic surgeon's nurse's nude tits in his office to check out his, um, work. Blackboard Jungle this flick AIN'T! A sidenote: What really got to me about this movie wasn't so much the movie but the movie trailer which started out by pointing out how the U.S. was #1 in education for about fifty years and now ranks at #17 and then seemingly proudly boasts, "And here's why!" Then it cuts to the scene of Cameron Diaz chucking basketballs at her students. I know this is just a "comedy" flick, but is this something we should be taking so lightly that the educational system in this country is SO fucked up that they're making "comedies" about it? Just saying! 

PRIEST



The film Priest, based on the graphic novel of the same name and initially released in 3-D, takes place in an alternate world where humans war with vampires for years and, fearing extinction from the vamps, the Catholic Church trains these super-soldiers called Priests who eventually defeat the vampires who are subsequently put into these reservations and the "chosen" humans are put into these walled cities that are ruled with an iron fist by the almighty Catholic Church whose motto is, "If you go against the Church, you're going against God!" After his brother, wife and niece who live in what's known as the Wastelands are attacked by a surprise vampire attack and his brother and wife are killed and his niece abducted, the sheriff of the Wastelands who's also the niece's boyfriend enlists the help of the head "retired" Priest played by Paul Bettany who breaks his vows to go after her. I think you should know that these vampires aren't your typical cinematic bloodsuckers moviegoers have seen for decades such as the Bela Lugosi archetype and the (so-called) vampires in those sappy-crappy Twilight flicks that have all the teenage girls all atwitter. No, these vampires are inhuman monsters that are literally the stuff of nightmares. In fact, the Priest goes up against the very first humanoid vampire who is his former friend who is "created" by the vampire queen after he is captured in battle and presumed dead. The Priest goes up against his former friend and the other vampires who've hatched a plan to start a new war with the humans to take back control of the world they once ruled over with the help of the aforesaid sheriff and the Priest's former alley in the form of a sexy female priest played by the ultra hot Maggie Q (of TV's Nikita fame) whom the Church sends after the renegade Priest. I, of course, won't tell you how the battle ends, though you can probably already figure it out for yourself, but I will say that the Priest's niece turns out to be (spoiler alert!) his daughter. Critics weren't that kind to this flick when it was released and the movie flopped at the all-important box office, but I thought it was a pretty unique horror/action flick. Kind of like a higher-grade B-movie. Anything else you'd like to know you'll just have to watch the damn movie, okay?