MACHETE

 

Machete is a sort of spoof on exploitation-style films of the seventies directed by Robert Rodriguez (of Spy Kids fame) and starring Danny Trejo--who usually plays the bad guys in the films he stars in--in his very first lead role and is an extension of a "fake" trailer featured in the grindhouse film Robert co-directed with Quentin Tarantino called, well, Grindhouse. In fact, some of the footage shown in the faux trailer was also featured in the film. In the film, Danny plays a Mexican cop who goes by the name of Machete because his weapon-of-choice is a machete whose family gets killed and he gets left for dead by a vindictive drug lord played by none other than action film "star" Steven Seagal in his very first "bad guy" role. Machete shows up in the U.S. a few years later where he works as a day laborer. He gets approached by this rather mysterious man played by Jeff Fahey who pays Machete a few thousand bucks to off this controversial "anti-immigrant" politician played by Robert De Niro (yes, THAT Robert De Niro!). It probably goes without saying that Machete gets set up by said rather mysterious man and goes on the run. Along the way, Machete teams up with a sexy federal agent played by Jessica Alba along with a just-as-sexy leader of an "underground" immigrant movement played by Michelle Rodriguez (who starred in the previously-reviewed first Resident Evil film) who gets her eye shot out by an almost unrecognizable Don Johnson (of Miami Vice fame) who plays a Sheriff Joe Arpaio type (without the homicidal intent) who patrols the border along with his group and executes "illegal" immigrants they come across. As you can probably already tell by now, subtle is NOT in this movie's vocabulary; like, for instance, the scene where Machete faces down a group of hit men and he rips out one of their intestines and uses it as a rope to escape out a window. The movie culminates in what's got to be one of the most over-the-top shootouts in cinematic history that includes, among other things, Lindsay Lohan (yes, THAT Lindsay Lohan!) appearing dressed as--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--a nun who winds up shooting Robert De Niro's character. I don't think there's anything else that needs to be about this particular flick, do you? A sidenote: I'm kind of surprised Steven Seagal actually agreed to do this particular flick since it doesn't put "anti-immigrant" public figures in a very good light. Especially since Seagal's apparently pretty good buddies with the aforementioned Sheriff Joe Arpaio. The two have even appeared together in their very own "reality" show. I guess Steven really needed the paycheck, huh?