THE EXPENDABLES

 

The Expendables is an action flick fan's ultimate wet dream as it stars many of the main action stars of the eighties, the nineties and today, including Sylvester Stallone (who also directed the flick), Dolph Lungren (who, of course, co-starred with Stallone in the fourth Rocky flick), Jet Li and current action star Jason Statham (who starred in the earlier-reviewed Death Race), among others. Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger appear in cameos. Mickey Rourke (who starred in the earlier-reviewed flicks 9 1/2 Weeks and The Wrestler) plays a minor--but, I think, memorable--role in this flick. Anyway, Stallone stars as head of a group of elite mercenaries who are "hired" by Willis to take out a Latin dictator along with a rogue CIA agent played by Eric Roberts (similar to the "baddie" role he played in the earlier-reviewed Batman flick The Dark Knight). But the plot of this flick is rather negligible. The main reason to view this particular flick is to watch all these action stars kicking ass & taking names of which they do PLENTY of in this flick! If you're a fan of old-style action flicks, like myself, then you definitely WON'T be disappointed by The Expendables! Really, about the only thing that kind of marred this flick for me is that sometimes the action scenes tended to be a trite dark to the point where it was kind of hard to tell, at least for me, who was doing what to whom. Another thing that kind of marred this flick for me was the scene where former pro-wrestler Steve Austin--who plays Roberts's right-hand man--strikes a woman and then "waterboards" her. Austin, for those of you not in the know, was arrested and placed on one year's probation for domestic violence against his ex-wife. Why in the world someone who was arrested and placed on one year's probation for committing domestic violence against his ex-wife would accept a movie role like this is beyond me. I mean, that's kind of like fallen football star O.J. Simpson writing a book wherein he claimed that he didn't murder his ex-wife but, if he did, here's how he'd do it. (Oh, wait a second . . .)

WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S

 

Weekend At Bernie's is a 1989 "sleeper" hit about two morons whose boss dies on them unexpectedly and they try to make everyone believe that he's still alive for an entire weekend. OK, you have to have a MAJOR suspension of disbelief to be able to, uh-hum, enjoy this incredibly asinine flick. I mean, Citizen Kane it most definitely AIN'T! But what's REALLY asinine was that they came out with a sequel--let me repeat--A SEQUEL a few years later WITH THE SAME DAMN CHARACTERS!!!! Of course, the "dead" character Bernie looks EXACTLY the same as he did in the first one. I mean, this takes suspension of disbelief to a whole new flippin' level! I mean, to make said incredibly asinine flick more entertaining, they could've had Bernie's limbs fall off and the two said morons could've found hilarious ways to keep his limbs attached--like duck tape, perhaps?--and/or have somebody remark about the smell and maybe tell "dead" Bernie that he needed to use more deodorant or something like that, you know? Oh well, I hear these flicks are really popular with the necrophiliac crowd! (Ba-da-boom!) 

DIRTY LOVE

 

Dirty Love is a 2005 film starring, er, actress Jenny McCarthy and was directed by her then-husband at the time (they were divorced, by the way, the very month the film was released). About the only reason I see to REALLY watch this universally-panned flick (this blog's namesake Roger Ebert gave it a rare "zero star" rating and stated how the film was "so pitiful it doesn't rise to the level to the badness") is when Jenny staggers out of a nightclub wearing a rather loose-fitting dress with no brassiere and she has a "wardrobe malfunction" and she inadvertently shows everyone outside the club--including co-star Carmen Electra (who, sadly, doesn't have a "wardrobe malfunction" of her own!)--her bodacious ta-tas and, when she looks down and sees her, er, talents hanging out in full display for everyone to see, she then grabs said bodacious ta-tas and jiggles and/or shakes them in front of everyone before stalking off. Of course, you could want to see this particular flick because you're a fan of Jenny McCarthy! (Excuse me while I go laugh my bodacious ass off!)

PLANET OF THE APES

 

Before there was Star Wars, there was Planet Of The Apes. Planet Of The Apes is the late-sixties sci-fi classic that was based on the book written by some French guy. The film stars the late Charlton Heston, hamming it up as he usually did in his films, and the late Roddy McDowell as one of the apes. Charlton Heston plays an astronaut who, along with his crew, travels in time and crash lands on what they at first believe is an "alien" planet. However, after having their gear stolen from them by a group of "savage" humans while they're skinny-dipping in a lake, they're shocked to discover a group of apes chasing after them on horseback. (I must say, I was kind of creeped out when I first saw this film when I was a younger and it came to the scene that showed a close-up of the apes on horseback!) Heston's character Taylor is captured after being shot in the throat by one of the apes and gets taken to a research facility headed by a female scientist named Zira--played by the late Kim Hunter--and her fiance Cornelius (played by Roddy). Taylor is at first unable to talk due to his throat wound so Zira and Cornelius believe that he's just like all the other "mute" humans. They find out otherwise when he tries to escape and he utters his by-now-legendary line: "Keep your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" He informs Cornelius and Zira, along with the rather treacherous Dr. Zaius (played by the late Maurice Evans), about how he's a "spaceman" from another planet. Of course, none of the apes want to hear it since his tale and his very existence contradicts their "sacred" scrolls written by great ape Ceaser (he's like a simian version of Moses) that says basically the gods made ape in his own image and such. When Dr. Zaius threatens to execute Taylor, Cornelius and Zira hatch an escape plot to set him free. Aided by Cornelius's nephew, and with a sexy female human named Nova--played by the half-naked Linda Harrison--who gets "paired" with Taylor in tow, they take a trip to the Forbidden Zone where Taylor says he came from and, after they capture Dr. Zaius, they take him into this cave where Cornelius tries to prove his "theory" that a man-like civilization existed years before the so-called sacred scrolls were written. For those few of you who haven't yet watched this flick, I won't spoil the by-now-legendary "shocked" ending for you (though you might be able to figure it out by taking a gander at the movie poster above). The movie, of course, spawned four sequels, a TV show, a cartoon, two cinematic reboots (thus far), and even an album. However, the original 1968 film will always be, at least in my view, the best out of all the films (and I won't say anything about the 2001 "reboot" by noted eccentric movie director Tim Burton, all right?).  

HOLY SMOKE!

 

Holy Smoke! is a film where award-winning actress Kate Winslet plays a woman who gets involved with a cult and her family hires this rather creepy "deprogrammer" played by Harvey Keitel (who played a rather creepy cop in Bad Lieutenant) who . . . aw, screw it! The only thing you REALLY need to know about this particular flick is that Miss Winslet is stark-ass-naked in reel after reel of the film. But, then again, name me one film where Kate Winslet WASN'T stark-ass-naked in! I mean, hell, she even showed her goodies in the "family-oriented" flick Titanic (and, just think, everyone thought the film made so much money because of all the special effects and--gag!--Leonardo DiCaprio!). What makes Holy Smoke! different is that Kate shows her full, er, talent in the flick. So, if you want to see Kate Winslet's, er, talent (and you know you do, you pervs!), you might want to watch Holy Smoke! (that is, if you can get over the fact that she's doing the nasty with Harvey Keitel!).

IMMORTALITY (a.k.a. THE WISDOM OF CROCODILES)

 

Immortality--which was also released under the title The Wisdom Of Crocodiles (don't ask me why)--is a pseudo-vampire flick starring Jude Law. And I use the word "pseudo" because it's kind of up in the air whether or not Jude Law's character is a real life vampire or not. The only time in the film when you think he's actually a vampire is when he gets involved with one woman at the beginning of the film whom he saves from killing herself and then later kills her after striking up a relationship with her and then, as they're about to do the deed at his place, he kills her by biting her in the neck and letting her bleed to death. But, unlike other cinematic vampires, he's able to walk out in sunlight and he's able to touch a cross necklace, so there you go. The film is also rather low-key (but then, what Jude Law flick ISN'T low-key in some way?). The film co-stars actress Elina Lowensohn as Jude's love-interest. Elina is perhaps best know for her appearance on the "classic" TV show Seinfeld where she plays the Russian gymnast girlfriend of Jerry's who disappoints Jerry, shall we say, sexually. She also shows her bodacious ta-tas in this flick for anyone who is--again, shall we say--interested in that. Anyway, I think I should note that there's not much action in this flick as there tends to be in other vampire-oriented flicks. In fact, the only real "action" in this flick is the scene where Jude's character takes on a street gang when they try to assault his lady (and is, as one might imagine, my favorite scene in the entire flick besides--of course!--the bodacious ta-tas scene!). But, if you'd like to watch a different type of "vampire" flick, then Immortality (a.k.a. The Wisdom Of Crocodiles) could very well be that "vampire" flick.

THE A-TEAM

 

The A-Team is, of course, based on the schlocky TV show from the eighties. It stars Liam Neesom as "Hannibal" (played by, of course, George Peppard in the TV show), "mixed" martial artist Quinton "Rampage" Jackson in the B.A.--which stood for Bad Attitude--role played by Mr. T and "hunky" Bradley Cooper plays the "Face" character. (I would say who played crazy-ass Murdoch, but who the hell cares, am I right?) Anyway, the film follows the basic plot of the show: an elite military team gets accused of a crime they didn't commit--in the film, the "crime" has something to do with stolen U.S. Treasury plates taken by Iraqi insurgents or whatever (in the show, I don't remember what the group's "crime" was if it was even ever mentioned in the damn show!)--and they go on the lam to try to clear their name. Actress Jessica Biel adds the T & A to the flick by playing the ultra hot federal agent who's hell-bent on tracking them down. The film is actually not as schlocky as the TV show was as it features far more cursing and, unlike the show, the Team actually shoot AND kill people (although the B.A. character in the film has a sort of religious conversation while in prison and has a sort of crisis of conscience about killing people, though--spoiler alert!--that changes towards the end of the film when he's forced to kill one of the bad guys who's about to kill Face). Interestingly enough, there's a brief cameo from the original actor who played the "Face" character in the original TV show (again, I'd say his name here, but I'm too damn lazy to look it up!). Besides the main characters, the movie is also like the TV show in that it's pretty much escapist fare that you'll probably forget about as soon as you finish watching it (although the flying tank scene is pretty memorable!). It'll most certainly appeal to fans of hardcore action flicks even if they had never watch the original TV show.