GIA

 

Gia was an HBO flick starring Angelina Jolie (yes, THAT Angelina Jolie!) back when she was seemingly making out with her very own brother in public and/or banging noted weird-ass actor Billy Bob Thornton and wearing his blood as a necklace before she got hooked up with Brad Pitt (yes, THAT Brad Pitt!) and became a "respectable" actress. Actually, there's really only one thing you need to know about this particular flick: ANGELINA JOLIE IS NAKED!!!! Plus she makes out with another hot chick . . . WHILE SHE'S NAKED!!!! As for the plot, she plays a drugged-out eighties "supermodel" named Gia something-or-'nother who died of AIDS or something. PLUS SHE'S NAKED!!!! Need I say more? I didn't think so!



HENRY & JUNE

Henry & June is a 1990 "erotic" film based on "erotic" writer's Anais Nin's book about her "relationship" with fellow controversial "erotic" writer Henry Miller (of Tropic Of Cancer and Tropic Of Capricorn fame) and his wife June. The movie stars rather underrated actor Fred Ward as Miller and Uma Thurman (of Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill fame) as Miller's wife and Nin is played by the actress who played Bruce Willis's rather dimwitted girlfriend in Tarantino's Pulp Fiction (I would say her name but it's just too damn long and I'm too damn lazy!). When the movie came out (pardon the pun!), it was the very first "mainstream" flick to be rated NC-17 (which is just a tiny step above X), although by today's standards, it would probably be regarded as more of a Disney flick! There are, of course, some "erotic" scenes in this flick, including a few lesbian scenes, including one with "Nin" and "June" (although, I'm sorry to say, Uma Thurman doesn't show moviegoers the goods in this flick unlike her hot foreign co-star!). Again, this movie may not be as, shall we say, prurient compared to what one can see on--again, shall we say--Cinemax/"Skinemax" (and let's NOT forget the Internet!), but it's still pretty damn "erotic" nevertheless! (For those, of course, who are into that sort of thing!)

CROSSROADS

 

Crossroads is one of my favorite flicks of all-time (next to, of course, Star Wars!). It stars Ralph Macchio (of Karate Kid, My Cousin Vinny and Dancing With The Stars fame) as a wannabe blues musician named Eugene who starts out studying at the prestigious Julliard School who becomes obsessed with the legend of legendary bluesman Robert Johnson, especially about Robert having a mysterious long-lost song that Eugene wishes to learn on his own guitar to record and become famous as a result. He finds a colleague of Johnson in a nursing home named Willie Brown (played by the late Joe Seneca) who's a well-known blues harmonica player. Willie, after at first denying to Eugene that he is in fact the "legendary" Willie Brown, agrees to teach Eugene said long-lost Robert Johnson song if he agrees to break him out of the old folks home, which Eugene eagerly does. They both head off to Mississippi where Willie claims to have "unfinished" business. They wind up "hoboing" it there after Eugene discovers that Willie doesn't have near as much money as he initially let on. Along the way, Eugene picks up a new guitar and a hitchhiker named Frances played by a younger Jami Gertz who eventually leaves them. Eugene and Willie finally reach their destination which is the "crossroads" where both Willie and Robert were said to have made their "deals" with the Devil himself where they literally sold their souls to achieve their musical ability and subsequent fame. The Devil appears as a man who calls himself Legba who's also nicknamed Scratch. When Willie pleads with him to "release" him, Eugene agrees to a guitar-dealing contest with one of Legba's current "clients" named Jack Butler played by legendary guitarist Steve Vai (of Frank Zappa and Whitesnake fame) in exchange for Willie's soul in what's got to be one of the greatest movie scenes ever (at least in my oh-so-humble view!). Crossroads is a must-see for fans of blues music and/or road trip movies. (Just make sure you're NOT watching that Britney Spears monstrosity of the same name!) A sidenote: Just in case you were wondering (and I'm sure that you were!), Ralph Macchio's guitar parts were played by guitarist Ry Cooder. And, yes, Steve Vai's parts were played by Steve Vai himself. Just thought you'd like to know!



UNITED 93

 

United 93 purports to tell the "story" of the doomed flight that landed in a Pennsylvania field while purportedly en route to the White House on 9/11. The film, not surprisingly, follows the "official" story that the passengers on said flight "revolted" and fought with the "terrorists" and the plane crashed during the struggle. However, according to then-Vice President Dick Cheney himself in subsequent interviews, including the one featured in the YouTube clip below, he was the one who actually "ordered" the plane to be shot down. Now, if what D.C. himself said is in fact the truth (and, with Dick, one can never tell!), then the "premise" of this whole movie--of the whole "official" story, in fact--is pure & utter BULLSHIT! Conspiracy theorists unite!



BILLY JACK

 

Billy Jack is a "classic" 1971 film starring Tom Laughlin as the title character. Billy Jack is a "half-breed" American Indian, a Green Beret Vietnam veteran and a martial arts master of which he displays throughout the movie, especially in the flick's most infamous scene. In the scene, a group of students from the local hippy-dippy Freedom School try to get ice cream from a local shop but are denied service because they were from said local hippy-dippy Freedom School of which the townspeople apparently despise. When the kids get bullied by a gang of local rednecks, Billy Jack steps in and opens a can of whup-ass on said bullying local rednecks. This leads to Billy confronting the town's head redneck where he says his infamous line about--my paraphrasing--how he was gonna take his foot and whup him upside the head with it and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. Then guess what happens? Things, as you can probably imagine, only go from bad to worse as the head of Freedom School (played by Tom's real-life wife Delores Taylor) gets raped by the son of the town's head redneck--who was, of course, among those who bullied the children at the ice cream store--and Billy winds up--spoiler alert!--killing him with a karate chop to the throat, all of which leads to a climatic shootout with the cops. When said head of the Freedom School convinces Billy to surrender, all the kids from the school raise their fists in solidarity with the embattled Billy Jack as he's driven away handcuffed in the back of the police car. Billy Jack actually became a hero of sorts to the "peacenik" crowd that was still going on at the time in spite of the violent nature of Billy Jack. While I don't mean to open up a can of political whup-ass here, I guess in SOME peacenik's minds it's okay to inflict on others so long as it's inflicted on the "right" people! In any case, Billy Jack is a pretty good action flick in spite of its hippy-dippy nature and/or its B-movie type quality. Oh yeah, the flick also marked the cinematic debut of none other than George Carlin look-a-like Howard Hesseman who would later be known as the gin-soaked DJ of the "classic" TV show WKRP In Cincinnati. Just thought you'd like to know! A sidenote: That infamous kick-to-the-head in that aforementioned confrontation scene wasn't actually "performed" by Mr. Laughlin but rather his karate instructor on the set who is said to be one of only a handful of people to be able to "perform" that particular karate kick. There were also three other Billy Jack flicks, including the first one--which wasn't Billy Jack--The Born Losers (where Billy goes after a gang-raping motorcycle gang), the follow-up to Billy Jack The Trial Of Billy Jack (where BJ opens up a can of whup-ass whilst in prison) and the fourth and final BJ flick Billy Jack Goes To Washington (where BJ goes to . . . well, you know!). There was supposed to be a fifth Billy Jack flick some years ago but, unfortunately, it never came to fruition. Again, just thought you'd like to know!



PINK FLAMINGOS

 

Pink Flamingos is the 1972 controversial cult classic directed by noted eccentric film director John Waters. Described by Wikipedia as a "transgressive black comedy exploitation film," the flick follows the perverted exploits of Babs Johnson played by overweight transsexual performer the late Divine (who had starred in a number of John Waters's rather crazy-ass flicks) who lives in a--where else!--trailer park complete with fake pink flamingos in the front yard with "her" rather crazy-ass mother who has a serious egg fetish. Babs and her rivals hold a contest of sorts to see who can "win" the title of "filthiest people alive." And just how "filthy" do they get? Well, this film does end with Divine literally eating a dog's . . . well, let's just say that this is probably the FIRST example of a cinematic shit-eating grin! Oh yeah, there's also the scene where Divine gives uncensored, shall we say, oral pleasures to "her son" after they break into their rivals's home and--no, I'm NOT making this up!--lick their furniture to spread their "filthiness" and get incredibly turned on in the process. If you want to find out what other acts of "filthiness" the characters engage in (which also involves a contortionist at a birthday party who does "tricks" with his sphincter that has to be seen to be believed!), well, you'll just have to watch the damn flick, won't you, you pervs! A sidenote: I saw John Waters give a couple of interviews where he told the tale of how he actually got the law called on him by what I assume was this VERY whitebread family after they actually rented Pink Flamingos after renting another John Waters/Divine vehicle Hairspray--one of Waters's VERY few "family-oriented" flicks that was later remade with John Travolta playing the Divine role (yeah, I know, BIG surprise, right?)--and, since they enjoyed Hairspray so much, they decided to rent another "family-oriented" flick from John Waters, which was, of course, none other than Pink Flamingos! (I wonder if they made it all the way to the "dog" scene BEFORE calling the po-po on him?) With a shit-eating grin of his own (non-literal, of course!), John stated how he himself had never called the law after he saw Forrest Gump running! Frankly, I would've called the law on Mr. Waters after watching Hairspray, but then, that's just me! 



AN ODE (OR FU) TO MEGAN FOX

 

Megan Fox became a household name by starring in those asinine Transformers movies--you know, the flicks based on a TOY line--directed by schlock-meister movie director Michael Bay. Well, she at least starred in the first two until she opened up her mouth and declared said director Bay a, and I quote, Nazi. It probably goes without saying that she was noticeably (?) absent from the third one. Of course, in Transformers, as in pretty much all of her films, she was there to provide the requisite T & A (like, for instance, she gets her bra-laden boobs groped by another chick in the flick This Is 40). Thus far, her only “major” starring role was in the so-bad-it-was-good cheesy-ass “horror” flick Jennifer’s Body. Anyway, between making contributions to crappy cinema--and usually while doing half-naked photo shoots for men’s magazines--Megan has gone-on-record complaining about her “career” and how “hard” it is not only to be a rich & famous celebrity but also how she’s apparently sick & tired of being a sex symbol (again, usually while appearing half-naked in the accompanying photo, er, spread). Of course, as is the case with all other rich & famous celebs who likewise bitch & moan & gripe & complain about being rich & famous (Kristen “Being Famous Is Just Like Being Raped!” Stewart, are you listening?), no one has yet posed (pardon the pun!) the question that would she be “happier” if she were broke & unknown? Or, better yet, if she no longer wishes to be rich & famous and/or to be thought of solely as a sex symbol or eye candy or whatever, why then does she NOT go and do something else (since, of course, no one has “forced” Megan Fox--nor her fellow whiny celebs--to BE rich & famous and/or a sex symbol and whatnot)? In fact, in her utterly fascinating interview in the February 2013 issue of Esquire (complete with half-naked cover shot!) wherein she offers her utterly fascinating take on “important” issues such of the Book of Revelation in the Bible (which she’s claimed to have read “a million times”) and her firm belief in--and, no, I’m NOT making this up!--leprechauns, and wherein she reiterates her stated distaste of being rich & famous and--of course!--a damnable sex symbol, she claims towards the end of the interview how she’d rather be--and, again, I’m NOT making this up!--an archeologist. Which brings me to a suggestion I’d like to offer Megan Fox (and, as always, her fellow whiny celebs who share Megan’s “distaste” of being a celeb): If you’d rather be an archeologist than a rich & famous celebrity, then BE a damned archeologist and stop--I repeat!--STOP bitching & moaning & whining & complaining about living a life that most people can only dream about living! I mean, it’s just like with “normal” people, if you don’t like your “job,” THEN FUCKING QUIT YOUR "JOB"!!!! Just a suggestion! And, FYI, Megan, just wait a few more years and you won’t have to worry about people thinking of you as a “lowly” sex symbol. I mean, you don’t see Sophia Loren--who was the Megan Fox of her day--posing half-naked on the covers of any men’s magazines nowadays, now do ya? A sidenote: I found it rather amusing when I read in the same Esquire article about how Megan Fox’s husband Brian Austin Green--who’s perhaps best known as the rappin’ dweeby teen on the original Beverly Hills 90210--virtually attacks any paparazzo who dares tries to take a picture of him and his beloved wife Megan. Why I find this so amusing is that no one, paparazzo or no, would being giving a flying you-know-what about Brian Austin Green were it NOT for the fact that his wife is Megan Fox! A second sidenote: Apparently Megan Fox has made nice with Michael Bay since, at the time of this writing, she's been cast to play the--what else!--comic book character April O'Neil from the--again, what else!--comic book Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (Please insert your own joke here!)