TITANIC

Since they're going to rerelease Titanic in that annoying 3-D, I thought I'd go ahead and "review" it here. The film, as you probably already know by now, stars Kate Winslet--who was nominated for an Oscar but didn't win--and Leonardo DiCraprio (and that's NOT a mispelling!) as passengers/lovers on the doomed sea vessel. This film was directed by James Cameron whom I'm not the biggest fan of (reread my earlier review of The Terminator and you'll see what I mean) and it made like a gajillion bucks at the all-important box office. Anyway, my favorite part about the movie wasn't the ginned-up "romance" involving Kate & Leo or the doomed boat or any of that melodramatic crap but rather the scene where Leo sketches Kate in ze buff and shows moviegoeres her titty, which, of course, she does in about ALL of her movies, even in a PG-13 rated "family" movie like THIS one. Hell, Kate could play the title role in the remake of Mary Poppins and she'd STILL be flashing filmgoers her bodacious ta-tas while singing, "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down!" Actually, I think Kate's breast should have been nominated for an Oscar (and, of course, WON!)! And, if nothing else, just remember, boys & girls, you CAN'T spell Titanic without TIT!

AN ODE TO JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT'S BREASTS

 



If there was EVER an award for Best Overall Prick Tease, it would undoubtedly go to actress/"singer" Jennifer Love Hewitt who has made a virtual career out of, well, prick teasing as Jennifer has appeared in countless TV shows and movies--and has even appeared half-naked in magazines such as noted "lad mag" Maxim--and has always teased TV viewers and moviegoers with her, shall we say, goodies but has never pulled a--again, shall we say--Sharon Stone or a Lindsay Lohan and REALLY showed everyone her, um, talent. Hell, even Hewitt herself has "joked" that her ta-tas has often had a BETTER career than she has had! Even some critics had "joked" that her horror flick I Know What You Did Last Summer should've been renamed I Know What Your Breasts Did Last Summer! Jennifer has been smarter than a number of Hollywood starlets, such as Lindsay Lohan, and has pretty much not gone down the druggie and/or rehab road they have gone down as about the only public controversies she has encountered is that she has been in a number of high-profile relationships, including a few broken engagements, with both "civilians" and celebrities such as--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--comic "actor" Jamie Kennedy who co-starred with Love on Ghost Whisperer--which, of course, could have been renamed Breast Whisperer!--and singer/D-Bag John "I Have a David Duke Cock!" Mayer who reportedly wrote his hit song "Your Body Is a Wonderland" or whatever the hell it was called for his then-girlfriend Jennifer. Jennifer has also recorded a song or two, one of which was even titled Barenaked! Hmmm, I wonder, if JLH trying to tell us something? Then, of course, there was that time she was caught with her then-fiance wearing a bikini with her flabby ass hanging out (and STILL looked pretty damn sexy, as far as I was concerned!). Frankly, I think if Miss Hewitt should ever "retire" from the show bizz, she ought to do a movie called My Breasts where all it is is just a 90-minutes closeup of her ta-tas and nothing more. No dialogue. No plot. Just JLH's beautiful bountiful juggies. How much do you wanna bet THAT film would become the highest-grossing flick of ALL time? (Hey, it would sure beat the hell out of The Tuxedo!) 

JENNIFER'S BODY

Jennifer's Body is probably one of the more whacked-out movies I've seen in a while (which is really saying a lot!). It stars Megan Fox (of Transformers and Brian Austin Green fame) as a high school hottie named, of course, Jennifer and bug-eyed Amanda Seyfried plays her best friend named--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--Needy. The film starts out with Needy in the nut house and, during the course of the movie, she explains why she's in said nut house. Apparently the trouble starts when Jennifer drags Needy to some seedy bar to see this indie rock group whom Jennifer is into. Well, during said indie rock group's set, a mysterious fire breaks out and, during the commotion (you know, bar patrons with their skin on fire and whatnot), the members of the indie rock group wind up dragging Jennifer off in their creepy van. Uh-oh! After Jennifer shows up later on that night at Needy's house all blood-soaked and spewing vile all over the kitchen floor, Needy realizes that something's up with her bestest bud, especially when boys start showing up around town with their entrails hanging out. And Jennifer finally spills the beans after an intense boner-inducing make-out session with Needy one night on Needy's bed--and this happens after Needy envisions Jennifer brutally killing a boy while she's banging her boyfriend Chip for the first time and she's screaming bloody murder (and not in the good way either!)--how she was brutally murdered by her beloved indie rock group who were--and, again, I'm NOT making this up!--offering her up as a human sacrifice to Satan so they could become rich & famous. The sacrifice didn't take because Jennifer wasn't a virgin and so the demon they summoned entered (pardon the pun!) Jennifer's body and thus needed souls--preferably of young men--to survive. Anyhow, Needy decides that Jennifer needs killing after she witnesses her killing her boyfriend Chip. I won't tell you how the movie turns out (but then, you can probably figure that out for yourself by now, can't you?). This movie, in spite of what some (or most) critics said, wasn't that bad, though, as you can imagine from reading this review, it was kind of silly at times, but, if you're into B-movie-type schlock with a boner-inducing lesbian make-out scene between two hot chicks (like, of course, yours truly!), you could wind up liking this flick as well. Hey, it sure beats trying to masturbate to Sophie's Choice! A sidenote: Diablo Cody wrote the screenplay for this film. What makes this so significant is that she actually won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay for writing the screenplay for her critically-acclaimed film Juno. Not surprisingly, they didn't ask for her Oscar back after this film was released!

BLAME IT ON RIO

When I first watched this movie as a horny virginal adolescent, it was like watching porn (seeing, of course, how I hadn't watched actual porn yet!). This movie stars Michael Caine (yes, THAT Michael Caine) who goes with his best friend played by Joseph Bologna (yes, that's his actual name) on a trip to Rio de Janeiro and winds up banging his hot teenaged daughter played by the ultra hot Michelle Johnson who's best friends with Caine's daughter played by the aforementioned Demi Moore. There's, of course, nudity galore in this flick thanks largely--and I do mean largely!--to the ample assets of Miss Johnson, although Miss Moore also shows her then-nearly-flattened ta-tas during a topless beach scene. Of course, hilarity ensues when Michael and Michelle attempt to keep their "affair" secret and then when Mr. Bologna's character (spoiler alert!) discovers his daughter's sexual relationship with his best bud Caine's character. My favorite scene is when Michelle Thompson takes a nudie photo of herself for Michael Caine wearing nothing but a huge grin and flowers covering her . . . well, you know! How much do you wanna bet old Michael really enjoyed, uh-hum, working on THIS picture? (Hey, I'm sure it beat the hell out of that crappy-ass Jaws picture he did!) 



AN ODE TO DEMI MOORE



Demi Moore is more known for other things than for any acting she's done in recent years--which has been rather scattershot--such as her marriage--and subsequent divorce--to former-model-turned-(alleged)-actor Ashton "Dude, Where's My Car?" Kutcher who, of course, is considerably younger than her. Of course, one could easily say that about Demi Moore's entire career as she's made headlines not so much for her acting but rather for, again, other things. For instance, Demi drew headlines for appearing nude and pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair back during the time when it was still a relative no-no for a major celebrity to pose starkers--and pregnant--on the cover of a national magazine whereas nowadays celebrities pose naked on magazine covers all the time and no one hardly bats an eye towards it (like, for instance, as I write this TV actress Kate Walsh is naked-as-a-jaybird on the cover of Shape magazine). She made headlines again when she posed starkers again on the cover of Vanity Fair this time clad only in body paint made to look like a tuxedo. Demi also made cinematic history--if one wants to call it that--by being paid a reported twelve-and-a-half million bucks more than any other actress in cinematic history to show her surgically-enhanced bod in the by-now-notorious box office bomb the appropriately-titled Striptease by playing a stripper at a club called--again, appropriately enough--The Eager Beaver (while, at the same time, bemoaning the state of women in film). Of course, it wasn't like Demi was any stranger to showing moviegoers her non-surgically-enhanced bod in previous films such as Blame It On Rio and About Last Night where she had perhaps one the most explicit "love" scenes ever captured on celluloid with, of all people, Rob Lowe (yes, the very same Rob Lowe who was caught having sex on tape with a reported 16-year-old girl). Before that, she showed everyone her, shall we say, goodies in Playboy's one-time sister mag Oui (and also showing everyone her apparent aversion to razors, if you know what I mean!) while she was appearing on the daytime TV soap opera General Hospital. Of course, this is not to say that she hasn't had at least some success in film, especially in flicks such as Ghost (where she had the hots for "ghost" the late Patrick Swayze), G.I. Jane (where she famously--or infamously--shaved her head) and Indecent Proposal (where Robert Redford paid her $1 million to bang her brains out). So Demi Moore has definitely made her mark not only on American cinema but on American (so-called) culture as well. Whether or not that's a good thing I think I'll leave to the cinematic and/or cultural experts (if there even is such a thing!) to decide whether that's good or bad, all right? Oh yeah, she was also married to Bruce "Die Hard" Willis, for those of you who've been living under a damned rock these past several years (or at least since the late-nineties!). 

BAD TEACHER

"It's not that all teachers are bad. It's just that good teachers are rare." This was from a review I read of this film starring Cameron Diaz as a VERY bad teacher who acts like she would've been better suited as a stripper, a porn star or a serial killer as she drinks, smokes dope, throws basketballs at her students and otherwise treats not only her students but her fellow teachers like, well, like absolute shit. About the only person she warms up to is a new teacher played by Justin Timberlake who acts like well, like a complete dork whom Diaz is primarily "interested" in because his family has money, which she needs to get her new boob job, which, by the way, motivates her to become a better teacher--or at least a not-so-bad one--when she discovers that the teacher with the highest grade-point average on the standardized test every year gets an extra bonus, which, of course, she "needs" to pay for said boob job. Most other reviews I've read of this film pointed out how Cameron's character doesn't "change" at the end of this flick like so many other flicks where the lead character has a life-changing moment or whatever (like, for instance, in the earlier-reviewed A Christmas Carol) and that's what the reviewers found so, shall we say, refreshing about this film. Well, actually, that's not entirely true as Diaz's character winds up NOT getting her boob job and ends up turning down Justin's dorky teacher and instead winds up with the lowly gym teacher played by Jason Segel. Of course, all this happens after she sets up her rival teacher played by Lucy Punch--whom dates Justin's teacher until she finds out that he and Diaz had literally dry-humped each other on a school field trip--on a phony drug charge when she finds out that Diaz's teacher had cheated on the standardized tests (of course!). Best line in the movie comes from Cameron after she intially "retires" from teaching at the beginning of the film and she goes home and tells her soon-to-be-ex-fiance how he'd better get "hard" and how she's about to "suck your dick like I'm mad at it!" Best scene in the film is the car wash scene when Cameron shows up in a tied-off flannel shirt and short-shorts at a school fundraiser so, again, she can embezzle the money to go towards her new tit job. Well, that scene and the other scene where Cameron is feeling up the plastic surgeon's nurse's nude tits in his office to check out his, um, work. Blackboard Jungle this flick AIN'T! A sidenote: What really got to me about this movie wasn't so much the movie but the movie trailer which started out by pointing out how the U.S. was #1 in education for about fifty years and now ranks at #17 and then seemingly proudly boasts, "And here's why!" Then it cuts to the scene of Cameron Diaz chucking basketballs at her students. I know this is just a "comedy" flick, but is this something we should be taking so lightly that the educational system in this country is SO fucked up that they're making "comedies" about it? Just saying! 

PRIEST



The film Priest, based on the graphic novel of the same name and initially released in 3-D, takes place in an alternate world where humans war with vampires for years and, fearing extinction from the vamps, the Catholic Church trains these super-soldiers called Priests who eventually defeat the vampires who are subsequently put into these reservations and the "chosen" humans are put into these walled cities that are ruled with an iron fist by the almighty Catholic Church whose motto is, "If you go against the Church, you're going against God!" After his brother, wife and niece who live in what's known as the Wastelands are attacked by a surprise vampire attack and his brother and wife are killed and his niece abducted, the sheriff of the Wastelands who's also the niece's boyfriend enlists the help of the head "retired" Priest played by Paul Bettany who breaks his vows to go after her. I think you should know that these vampires aren't your typical cinematic bloodsuckers moviegoers have seen for decades such as the Bela Lugosi archetype and the (so-called) vampires in those sappy-crappy Twilight flicks that have all the teenage girls all atwitter. No, these vampires are inhuman monsters that are literally the stuff of nightmares. In fact, the Priest goes up against the very first humanoid vampire who is his former friend who is "created" by the vampire queen after he is captured in battle and presumed dead. The Priest goes up against his former friend and the other vampires who've hatched a plan to start a new war with the humans to take back control of the world they once ruled over with the help of the aforesaid sheriff and the Priest's former alley in the form of a sexy female priest played by the ultra hot Maggie Q (of TV's Nikita fame) whom the Church sends after the renegade Priest. I, of course, won't tell you how the battle ends, though you can probably already figure it out for yourself, but I will say that the Priest's niece turns out to be (spoiler alert!) his daughter. Critics weren't that kind to this flick when it was released and the movie flopped at the all-important box office, but I thought it was a pretty unique horror/action flick. Kind of like a higher-grade B-movie. Anything else you'd like to know you'll just have to watch the damn movie, okay?