CONTAGION

To be honest, I haven't yet watched this movie, but I hear Gwyneth Paltrow dies a horrible death, so it can't be ALL bad!

BEYOND THE CLOUDS

Beyond the Clouds is a foreign film starring John Malkovich and the ultra hot Sophie Marceau who's a French actress who's perhaps best known to American audiences for her role in Mel "Batshit Crazy" Gibson's film Braveheart and for her role as a James Bond girl in the 007 flick The World Is Not Enough (where Bond shots her right between the eyes after she hooks him up to some medieval-looking torture device; kinky!). Anyway, the REAL reason to even bother watching this flick is the ultra hot nudie scene where Sophie shows film-watchers every single thing she has, including--and especially!--her unshaven punani. 'Nuff said! 

BLOODY MURDER 2

Bloody Murder 2 is the sequel to the cheesy-as-hell Friday the 13th knockoff Bloody Murder. The reason why I'm reviewing the sequel and not the original is because the sequel is WAY better. As for the basic plot of both films, stop me if any of THIS sounds familiar: A bunch of young people go to a camp where a "tragedy" involving a creepy kid happened years before and thus it's rumored that a vengeful killer is lurking around in the woods surrounding the camp seeking revenge for what happened to him as a child. And guess what happens? At least in Bloody Murder the sequel, the killer isn't a deliberately blatant rip-off of Jason Voorhees who, of course, is the legendary killer in the Friday the 13th franchise. The killer in the Bloody Murder films, by the way, is called Trevor Moorehouse. Sounds totally different, doesn't it? Anyway, like I said, the sequel is far, for lack of a better word, superior to the original in that the death scenes are far gorier than in the original; the killer looks more original than the hockey-masked Jason rip-off in the first film; and, on top of that, there's actual nudity and/or sex--well, simulated sex anyway!--thanks to ultra hot "scream queen" Tiffany Shepis (who--spoiler alert!--gets her head all but lopped off by the killer). I won't give away the ending since you can probably already have a pretty good idea how it ends (and, yes, it involves a white girl who stands up to the killer and somehow miraculously survives!). In all, Bloody Murder 2 is pretty standard horror fare, but, if you're a fan of the Friday the 13th films (and, of course, all of its knockoffs), then this flick probably won't disappoint. As for the original, put it in if you want a cheap--albeit VERY cheap!--laugh! Oh yeah, there's an actual character in both films named--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--Jason who may--or may not--have gotten killed in the first film and who may--or may not--be the actual killer in the second film (and, of course, you'll have to watch BOTH films to see what I'm getting at!)! And, lastly, here's my favorite line from the first film (and should've served as the film's tagline): "You'll never know when Jason will show up!" How true THAT is!  

A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO HALLE BERRY

I could, of course, write separate reviews for different Halle Berry movies, but I figured I'd just kill a bunch of birds with one stone and write some "quickie" reviews of some of Halle Berry's best (or worst) known films. And, without any further ado, here they are:

B.A.P.S: Some movies just scream at you WTF. This is one of those films.

Swordfish: For some strange reason, the only thing I can really recall about this flick is Halle Berry's bodacious ta-tas. Go figure!

Monster's Ball: Again, I don't really recall much about this flick, of which Miss Berry won an Academy Award, save for Halle's rather intense--and rather weird-ass--sex scene with none other than Billy Bob Thornton (better known as the lucky bastard who got to bang Angelina Jolie before Brad "I'm Too Sexy For My Career!" Pitt!). Again, go figure!

Die Another Day: Halle Berry as a bikini-clad James Bond chick named Jinx. Need I say more?

Catwoman: A number of critics panned this film. But, with Halle Berry dressed in a black leather skintight catsuit, who the hell cares just how "good" the film is? Oh yeah, gay-ass MOVIE CRITICS!!!! 

Well, there you have it, a bunch of Halle Berry films in ONE review. Do I know how to "please" MY, uh-hum, loyal readers or WHAT!

THE BEAVER

Imagine my disappointment when I realized that, in spite of what the title of this film suggests, it's about this rather disturbed guy, played by noted raving anti-Semitic lunatic Mel "The Passion" Gibson, who spends a good chunk of the film with his fist up a beaver puppet's ass. WORST . . . PORNO . . . EVER!!!!

CLASH OF THE TITANS

Clash Of The Titans is a remake of sorts of the 1981 schlock-fest starring Harry Hamlin. In the reboot, Harry Hamlin's role as Perseus, who's the demigod son of Zeus for all you Greek mythology fans out there, is played by Sam Worthington. As in the original, Perseus fulfills his destiny as the savior of mankind when Zeus's brother Hades, who's the lord of the underworld (again, for all you Greek myth fans out there), along with his creation the almighty sea monster the Kraken is let loose upon the world by Zeus--played in the reboot by Liam Neeson (and played in the original by Laurence Olivier)--as a punishment for mankind's disobedience and/or wickedness. Aiding the almighty Perseus with his quest is a group of human soldiers and "lo" who's a fellow demigod (or whatever the hell she actually is) and, of course, his winged horse Pegasus. This film reminds me of the old Sinbad films I watched when I was a kid. Of course, there was no CGI back then and films resorted to using stop motion animation, which was most notably done by stop motion master Ray Harryhausen who also worked on the original Clash Of The Titans, which, as it turned out, was the last major film he worked on. Of course, moviegoers can make up their own minds whether or not they prefer stop motion to CGI (though I myself find stop motion to be more realistic-looking than CGI, but then, that's just me). One of Ray's creations in the original COTT who makes a brief--and rather amusing--cameo in the remake is the mechanical owl Bubo (who is not part of Greek mythology, at least not the mechanical version, for those of you not in the know). Both the original and the remake are both pretty good films, especially if you're like me and you enjoy watching these types of films, though the remake lacks the noticeable camp of the original (and, again, moviegoers can decide for themselves if that's a good or bad thing, all right?). A sidenote: Ray Harryhausen was actually accused of ripping off noted beloved Star Wars robot R2-D2 for Bubo. Ray not only strongly denied this but claimed that he came up with the idea for Bubo before Star Wars even came out. There again, filmgoers can make up their own minds if they think Bubo was a blatant rip-off of R2-D2. I myself don't see it, but, there again, that's just me!

ELEKTRA

Elektra is a spin-off of the rather lackluster Ben Assfleck, uh, I mean, Affleck vehicle Daredevil. In both films, Jennifer Garner (who eventually married Mr. Assfleck, uh, I mean, Affleck) plays Elektra who, after being killed off in Daredevil, gets resurrected and becomes a hired assassin. However, Elektra has a change of heart about her career path when she's hired to assassinate a father and his young daughter and vows to protect them instead from this other band of assassins who wants to kill the young girl because of her special powers. Got all that? It's most certainly not the greatest superhero movie ever made, but it's not too bad. I've certainly seen a hell of a lot worse! Of course, the main reason to watch this flick is Jennifer Garner (and not just for her acting capabilities, if you know what I mean, and I'm, of course, certain that you do!)! Oh yeah, there's also a pretty hot kissing scene between Jennifer and her co-star Natassia Malthe who plays an assassin called--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--Typhoid Mary. Need I say more?  

THE BLEEDING

It takes a lot for me to really hate a movie, but, I've got to tell ya, this film came awfully damn close to me REALLY hating it! The best way to describe this flick is that it's a low-rent Blade, a VERY low-rent Blade, in that it's about a vampire slayer who's the only one who can defeat a vampire lord who's intent on dominating and/or destroying humanity. Stop me if you've heard ALL of this before! The slayer-in-question is played by Michael Matthias. Yes, THE Michael Matthias! If it sounds like I'm being sarcastic, you're absolutely right I am! I mean, this Vin Diesel wannabe--complete with bald head and steroid-esque arms--doesn't even get top billing in the movie poster, for crying out loud! Of course, it could be because Matthew's, uh-hum, acting makes Vin Diesel's thespian skills look like Yul Brynner's by comparison! And that's not where the suckiness of this flick ends. I mean, not only does it contain bad acting (and NOT just from Michael), but it contains bad editing--one second Michael is holding two machine guns and in the very next second he's holding a shotgun--and the fight scenes are choppy, to say the least! What's even more head-scratching about this flick is that it also stars more seasoned actors Armand Assante--who's in the film for maybe (maybe!) five minutes--and Michael Madsen as the other Michael's sidekick/mentor named--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--Reverend Roy. I think Madsen would have been better cast as the vampire slayer, but then, that's just me. Anyway, I guess this film overall is passable--barely--as a B-movie flick and is all right to watch if you've got nothing--and I do mean NOTHING--better to do. I mean, if you want to watch a vampire slayer flick, you'd be better off watching the third--and, by all accounts, the worst--installment of the Blade trilogy which, compared to THIS flick, is a cinematic masterpiece! Oh yeah, this film also marks the "acting" debut of noted tattoo artist and "reality" TV personality Kat Von D. I don't believe there's anything else that needs to be said about THIS flick, is there? 

COWBOYS & ALIENS

Do you ever get the distinct feeling that Hollywood movie scripts are written by fucking 8-year-olds nowadays? (And, judging by how much pissing & moaning that Harrion Ford reportedly did about doing and/or promoting this flick, Hollywood is also apparently inhabited by fucking 8-year-olds!)

SPIDER-MAN 3

Spider-Man 3 is the third--and, apparently, final--installment in the highly-successful franchise with Tobey Maguire in the title role as the web-slinging hero. In this film, Spidey goes against not one, not two, but three--count 'em!--THREE super-villains, namely the revamped Green Goblin (whom Spidey defeated in the first film), the Sandman--which is a super-villain who can be "defeated" by water (WATER!)--and the completely bad-ass Venom. Well, I say Venom is "bad-ass" even though he's played in this flick by none other than Topher Grace. Yes, the wiseass skinny jag-off with the Prince Valiant hairdo was actually cast as a super-villain. This made about as much sense as Arnold Schwarzenegger being cast as super-villain Mr. Freeze in the George Clooney mega-bomb Batman & Robin (or George Clooney cast as Batman, but I digress). As for the overall flick itself, the action scenes are pretty good; that is, when it finally gets around to them as the movie is slow-going at times and tends to be melodramatic in places. And just how melodramatic does this flick get, you might ask? Well, Spidey breaks down and cries towards the end of the film after his friend Harry a.k.a. the revamped Green Goblin dies in his girlfriend's Mary Jane's arms after "helping" Spider-Man defeat the Sandman and Venom. Lame. 

KING KONG

To be honest, I've never seen the original King Kong film from the thirties, though I have seen the newest remake (along with the ultra crap-fest King Kong Lives with hottie Linda Hamilton of the previously-reviewed The Terminator fame), although both films pretty much share the same plot: a group goes off into the jungle, hogtie a big-ass ape and bring it back to the States where said big-ass ape escapes and wreaks havoc and is ultimately shot down while atop the Empire State Building by planes, all the while big-ass ape gets the hots for the blond hottie in the group, which, in the thirties film, was played by Fay Wray and in the remake was played by Naomi Watts (of the earlier-reviewed "horror" crap-fest The Ring). The CGI in the remake was pretty damn good. I especially enjoyed the fight scene with Kong and the two T-Rexes whom Kong prevents them from taking a bite out of said blond hottie. But the thing that got to me about the King Kong films, and I'm kind of surprised that others didn't bring this up (at least not that I know of anyway), was the apparent bestiality angle. I mean, there was some freaky-ass shit going down in THAT jungle, if you know what I mean (and I'm, of course, quite sure that you do!)! Oh yeah, this flick also stars Jack Black, if that's, of course, of interest to anyone (which, of course, I'm quite certain are quite a few of you out there!)!

WILD SIDE

I actually haven't watched this movie in a while, a number of years, as a matter of fact, but what I do remember is the ultra hot lesbian scene between stars Anne "Batcrap Crazy" Heche and Joan "Asian Hottie" Chen (and this was before Anne supposedly came out of the closet, so to speak, and began "dating" Ellen DeGeneres). In fact, the scene-in-question was SO damn hot that it made me, uh-hum, think that maybe--just maybe!--it wasn't simulated. Hey, a pervert can hope, can't he?

AIR FORCE ONE

In case you don't already know the plot of this Harrison Ford flick by now, Ford stars as none other than the President of the United States who defends Air Force One after it's hijacked by terrorists. While it's certainly an entertaining action thriller, I couldn't help but call the bullshit flag while I was watching it thinking how this could NEVER happen in real life. I mean, could you imagine ANY of our recent Presidents acting THIS heroically under similar circumstances? Please. What makes this even MORE ironic is that Harrison's President is a Vietnam War veteran. Again, at least a couple of our most recent Presidents tried like to hell to avoid combat during Vietnam (cough . . . George W. Bush and Bill Clinton!). The only recent U.S. President who may--and I say MAY--have acted even remotely like Harrison Ford in this flick is George Bush, Sr. who actually saw actual combat in WWII (unlike, of course, his cowardly-lion-of-a-son Dubya who reportedly actually bragged about using his daddy's political connections to keep his apparently cowardly ass OUT of Vietnam). Sure, these cowards, uh, I mean, commanders-in-chiefs talk a big game when they're sending OTHER people's children to die in their insipid wars, but, when push came to shove in their OWN lives, they were seemingly more than happy to let other people fight--and, of course, die--in their place. Well, that's my political commentary. Hope you liked it! A sidenote: It would seem like Presidential candidates aren't MUCH better; like, for instance, during the Vietnam War, current Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney actually protested IN FAVOR OF the draft and then fled, uh, I mean, left the country for France to do Mormon "missionary" work. At least Barack Obama, in spite of what Fox (Non) News and/or Rush Limbaugh might try to tell you, had a valid reason for NOT serving during Vietnam: HE WAS A KID!!!! Again, that's the end of my political commentary . . . for now! (Bet'cha can't wait, can ya!)

THE NOTEBOOK

SUCKS!!!!

AN ODE TO JANE MARCH (YES, THE JANE MARCH!)

Jane March is NOT a household name by ANY means. A former model-turned-actress, Jane has starred sporadically in films and TV throughout the past couple of decades, most notably in the films The Lover, where she played the teenaged lover of an older Chinese man, and the Bruce Willis soft-core porn epic Color Of Night, where Jane spent about three-fourths of the flick buck-ass-naked, and a pretty-much-forgettable Tarzan flick with Jane playing, well, Jane and Casper Van Dien (of Starship Troopers fame and NOT much else!) playing the buffed-up Tazan role. If you haven't already noticed, Jane has no apparent aversion to being nude oncamera in spite of what she's stated publicly; like, for instance, rumors were floating around about the numerous sex scenes in her first film The Lover being unsimulated that were reportedly fueled by the film's director, which Jane reportedly took grave offense to. However, if you pause the film in certain places at JUST the right moments, you can tell that the actor Jane is "banging" is clearly NOT wearing a "crotch patch" (i.e. patches that actors oftentimes wear on their privates during love scenes in flicks so they'll be no, as Chelsea Handler would put it, penetration). In her second film Color Of Night, Jane claimed to have been initially hesitant to do all the nude scenes the script required her to do but then reportedly changed her mind when she started to feel "comfortable" on the set of the film (plus the fact that she probably felt starring in a flick with the one & only Bruce "Die Hard" Willis would boost her career, which apparently DIDN'T happen judging by the film's rather abysmal box office performance and the fact that Jane seemingly dropped off the face of the Hollywood map after the film's release). And I, of course, can't pen an "ode" to the lovely Jane March without mentioning her, shall we say, exotic looks, which, of course, may have at least a little something to do with the fact that her mother was Chinese and Vietnamese. Oh yeah, Jane also appeared nude in the B-movie-esque Provocateur. Just thought you'd like to know!