DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE

DOA: Dead Or Alive is a 2006 "karate" film based on the video game of the same name. The film stars noted TV and movie stars Jaime Pressly and Eric Roberts along with an assortment of hot scantily-clad kick-ass chicks! The "plot" of this flick, such as it is, involves a group of (so-called) martial artists who get "invited" by this "evil" rich dude--played by Roberts (of course!)--to compete in this martial arts competition called--you guessed it!--Dead Or Alive. The "contestants" include . . . aw, who the hell cares! All you REALLY need to "know" about THIS flick is that it features a bevy of, like I said, hot scantily-clad ass-kicking chicks, including Miss Pressly (again, of course!)! I'm not sure if the ladies did all or most or part of their stunts in this flick, but, again, WHO CARES! Picture a cross between Enter The Dragon and Mortal Kombat--only with LOTS more T & A!--and you'll get an idea of what THIS flick is like, OK? Oh yeah, Eric's character is planning to take over the world or something with these computer-enhanced sunglasses that can predict another fighter's moves or some such thing. I'd just thought I'd throw that out there for those who actually "care" about the "plots" of flicks like this. In the end, DOA: Dead Or Alive may NOT be regarded as among the greatest martial arts movies of all-time (like, say, Enter The Dragon starring the late great Bruce Lee), but, there again, with THIS much T & A chances are you WON'T care! I know I sure didn't! (Yeah, I know, I'm a perv!)

Here's the "introduction" scene of Jaime Pressly's character in DOA (from YouTube): 

GRUDGE MATCH

Grudge Match is a 2013 movie starring Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro. In the film, Stallone and De Niro star as two aging boxing rivals named Razor and Kid, respectfully, who agree to one last boxing match that they agreed to fight years earlier but didn't when Razor abruptly "retired" from boxing (which isn't totally explained in the film, by the way). Apart from their boxing rivalry, there's other bad blood between Razor and Kid as Kid slept with Razor's girlfriend and wound up getting her pregnant. Kid's grown son meets with his father after his mother finally told him the truth about him after her husband who had raised him passed away and he agrees to train him for the fight much to his mother's chagrin since she hates Kid's guts. Razor at first refuses to fight his old boxing rival when the offer is first presented to him by a younger boxing promoter named Slate (played by comedian Kevin Hart) whose boxing promoter father had screwed him over financially. He reluctantly agrees because he needs the money in order to properly take care of his ailing boxing trainer (played by Alan Arkin). Along the way, Razor reunites with his ex-girlfriend to find exactly why she ended up sleeping with and getting pregnant by his boxing rival Kid. (Razor's girlfriend is played by Kim Basinger. It's actually nice to see her in a film since she's starred sporadically in movies in recent years. Personally, I feel Miss Basinger is a rather underrated actress who I feel would have had a bigger movie career had she NOT gotten hooked up with that bullying, child-abusing, homophobic D-Bag Alec Baldwin, but I digress.) The climatic boxing match between Razor and Kid might be a bit predictable--although there is a twist to the fight on Razor's part (which I, of course, won't reveal here!)--but it's still entertaining to watch. Of course, Stallone and De Niro have both starred in two of the most famous and most beloved boxing movies of all-time, namely Rocky and Raging Bull; again, respectfully. And, though Grudge Match will most likely not be as famous or as beloved as those films, it's still a pretty entertaining little film nonetheless and is a flick that I feel hasn't gotten its just deserts, at least in my view. And, while it's entertaining to watch Stallone and De Niro's interactions in the film (they starred together previously in Cop Land), I think the most enjoyable part of the films are the highly comical interactions between Alan Arkin and Kevin Hart, though they are few and far between, at least in my view. There's also a highly comical post-credits scene which actually reunites boxing legends Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield as Slate tries to convince them to do a "reunion" boxing match. (Tyson, if you'll recall, infamously bit off Holyfield's ear during their one & only boxing match together.) And, again, you'll just have to watch to movie to see how THAT goes!

DETENTION OF THE DEAD

Detention Of The Dead is a 2012 horror "comedy" which is just as it sounds. This flick has been described as a cross between The Breakfast Club and Night Of The Living Dead. And that pretty much describes it. But, for those who haven't figured out the plot of this flick by now, a group of high school students in detention--a jock, a cheerleader, a nerd, a bully, a goth chick and a stoner (yes, just like in TBC!)--all of a sudden have to fight off a zombie horde when a zombie virus inexplicably decimates their school. A couple of the scenes are an apparent rip-off of TBC: the scene where some of the students fall through the vents and the scene where they bare their souls to each other or whatever. My own personal favorite character in the film is the "goth girl" Willow played by actress Alexa Nikolas who's best known for her role in the Nickelodeon TV show Zoey 101 and in the--of course!--zombie TV show The Walking Dead (in which her character was killed off after only appearing in a few episodes, by the way). She was kind of like the Ally Sheedy character in TBC, though not as, shall we say, intense. (Alexa is also known for a picture that surfaced online of her kissing Vanessa Hudgens, of which she also appeared in a music of Vanessa's, but I digress!) I believe I've stated before on this blog how I'm not the biggest "fan" of zombie flicks and/or TV shows, but Detention Of The Dead at least attempts to do something different in the zombie genre (which, in my opinion, is more or less a rip-off of George Romero's late-sixties zombie classic Night Of The Living Dead), and it's actually not a bad film as far as zombie "comedies" go. If you're a fan of The Breakfast Club AND Night Of The Living Dead (with a bit of The Faculty thrown in!), then Detention Of The Dead could very well be the flick for you! Best line in the flick (from Willow, of course!): "Everyone in this school knows you've got a mouth that could suck start a jet engine." Second best line in the flick (again, from Willow!): "Goth chicks kick ass!"

Here's a clip of Willow from Detention Of The Dead (from YouTube): 

THE PACKAGE

The Package is a 2013 action film starring pro-wrestler Steve Austin--who's, of course, known in the wrestling world as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin--and Dolph Lundgren (of Rocky fame). This is their first cinematic outing since the Sylvester Stallone vehicle The Expendables (although they weren't in any scenes together in that film). In this film, Steve Austin plays a mob enforcer whose mob boss offers him a job in order to clear his incarcerated brother's huge debt to him. The "job" is to deliver a "package" to a man who's known as The German--played by Dolph as his usual sinister self--without telling him what the package specifically is. Steve's character agrees to the job, thinking it to be a simple one. However, he soon finds that the job is anything BUT simple as he's attacked by a group of mercenaries who wants to take the package from him. Austin's character, of course, fights his way through the mercenaries and other hired gunmen until he is finally apprehended by The German's henchmen. It turns out the package was a ruse to get Steve's character in the clutches of The German because, for one, both characters have an apparently unpleasant history together after having a major fallout when they both served in the military (although we don't find out precisely what that "history" was), and two, The German is apparently dying from a rare blood disorder and he desperately needs a blood transfusion from Steve's character who turns out to be the only blood match to his as they both happen to share the same ultra-rare blood type. I, of course, won't say how the film exactly ends and/or which character wins (although you can probably pretty much tell that for yourself). Even though the film was nowhere near as popular or as well-known as The Expendables (it was a direct-to-video release), it's still a pretty decent action flick with plenty of fight and/or gunplay scenes to satisfy even the most ardent action flick fan. Steve Austin actually makes a pretty passable action star, although he arguably isn't as good as, say, his fellow pro-wrestler Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson who's become a pretty popular action film star himself since "retiring" from pro-wrestling, but he's still got some at least halfway decent acting chops, at least as far as B-movie-esque action films like The Package goes (at least in MY oh-so-humble view!).  

CYRUS: MIND OF A SERIAL KILLER

Cyrus: Mind Of A Serial Killer is a rather unique horror film about a serial killer named--you guessed it!---Cyrus who's known as "The County Line Cannibal." A Geraldo Rivera-esque reporter--played by noted horror film actress Danielle Harris (who actually resembles actress Jennifer Love Hewitt who herself is an alumnus of horror flicks)--wants to do a story on Cyrus, so she along with her cameraman travel to the small town where Cyrus lived to talk to his rather weird friend--played by Lance Henriksen (of Aliens fame)--where he agrees to talk with her on the condition that she not air any of the footage. Of course, she agrees to his terms--even though she, of course, plans to air the footage anyway--and he starts recounting the life & gruesome times of Cyrus The Country Line Cannibal. As he's talking, it shows a series of flashbacks of how Cyrus came to be a serial killer--he had an abusive mother as well as a non-supportive, cheating wife--as well as his brutal killing spree. The first time Cyrus kills is when he comes home to find his wife having sex with another man and he not only kills both of them but he kills their infant son as well. From there, he goes on to kill several women and men. Even more disturbing he grinds up their innards into meat patties and sausages and stuff and sells them as "roadkill" to the unsuspecting townsfolk (ala the "classic" horror flick Motel Hell). Interspersed with the flashbacks are a number of "interviews" with serial killer/mass murderer "experts" on what makes these psychos tick. Anyway, the movie at times plays out like a typical episode of the TV show Criminal Minds, only gorier. Plus the fact that one can pretty much see the ending coming from a mile away in that one can tell early on that Lance's character is either Cyrus himself or he is somehow in cahoots with Cyrus (I'll just let you watch the movie for yourself to see which one he actually is, all right?), especially when Danielle's character tells him something like, "I'll bet my life on it!" Anyway, in spite of its obvious flaws (like, for instance, law enforcement doesn't seem to be looking too hard for Cyrus), it's still a pretty interesting little film and is not like your "standard" serial killer/horror flick fare (if you can stomach watching it, that is). A sidenote: This film was reportedly "inspired" by serial killers such as Henry Lee Lucas who is considered to be America's most prolific serial killer who had confessed to committing over 200 killings and Fritz Haarman who was known as "The Butcher Of Hanover" and "The Vampire Of Hanover" who was a German serial killer believed to have been responsible for the brutal murders of over 20 young boys and men. Ain't humanity grand! 

JOE'S APARTMENT

Joe's Apartment is a 1996 film based on a 1992 short film of the same name that was regularly shown on MTV. Both the film and the short is about a schlub who lives in a cramped dingy apartment with a bunch of talking--and singing!--cockroaches. Yes, you heard THAT right! The film stars--of course!--Jerry O'Connell as schlub Joe. (I don't recall who starred in the 1992 short film, though it wasn't Jerry.) The film was the first flick put out by--of course!--MTV (back when they were STILL playing music videos, by the way). While the film wasn't a box office hit (go figure!), it has since gone on to become a sort of cult classic (again, go figure!). For those who haven't had the, uh-hum, pleasure of seeing this particular flick yet, if you, uh-hum, enjoy spending 90 minutes watching a bunch of talking--and singing!--cockroaches and/or watching Jerry O'Connell do things like literally pick up shit (which, of course, could very well be the PERFECT metaphor for his "acting" career!), then Joe's Apartment might--and I say MIGHT!--very well be the PERFECT flick for you! A sidenote: This blog's namesake the late Roger Ebert, for those who are interested, wrote in his review of Joe's Apartment: "Joe's Apartment would be a very bad comedy even without the roaches, but it would not be a disgusting one. No, wait: I take that back. Even without the roaches, we would still have the subplot involving the pink disinfectant urinal cakes." Oh yeah, did I also mention there was a sort of "subplot" in the film about pink urinal cakes?

Here's the MTV film short of Joe's Apartment (which, in my view, was far more "entertaining" then the film): 

And, while we're at it, here's one of the, um, musical numbers in the movie version of Joe's Apartment (my apologies in advance!):

ELEPHANT WHITE

Elephant White is a rather unique--some, of course, might even say weird--2011 action film starring Djimon Hounsou (of Amistad, Blood Diamond and Gladiator fame) and Kevin Bacon (yes, THAT Kevin Bacon!). In the film, Hounsou plays a hit man named Curtie Church who is hired to take out sex traffickers in Thailand. The man who "hired" him claims his daughter was murdered by said sex traffickers (of course, we learn later on that he has ulterior motives for wanting them dead, which I, of course, won't reveal here). Church enlists the aid of a former rather shady associate of his named Jimmy the Brit--played by Kevin Bacon (who has a rather questionable British accent)--who supplies him with the weaponry he needs to carry out the job. Along with way, Church reluctantly takes up with a teenaged prostitute named Mae who decides to help him out with his mission. Elephant White has a bit more plot to it than your average action film, though the movie has enough action in it to satisfy the most hardcore action fan in spite of the film's rather dark subject matter. However, the movie does take a 180 degree turn towards the end when the plot kind of takes on a supernatural bent (which, again, I won't reveal here). Djimon Hounsou actually makes a pretty decent kick-ass action star. In fact, I'd go as far as saying that he's at least on par with the likes of Matt Damon (oh, am I bound to catch some heat for THAT one!). At least I'd say he's better than, say, Steven Seagal, especially Seagal in his later years (again, I know I'm bound to get some flak for saying THAT!). If you're on the lookout for a "different" type of action film to watch other than your wang-bang "typical" action fare (and, yes, I'm looking at YOU, Seagal!), then you might want to give Elephant White a try (though you HAVE been warned about the rather dark subject matter).