AN ODE TO DIANE LANE

I've had a huge crush on actress Diane Lane ever since I saw her in the eighties B-movie-esque psychological horror flick Lady Beware. And, yes, she had a topless scene in the flick! As you might've already guessed, one of the reasons why I'm such a fan of Miss Lane is because she has no apparent aversions to appearing in ze buff in a number of her movies, even baring her ultra hot bod in films at an age when most actresses get regulated to playing moms and whatnot (as Diane herself has done in the Robin Williams vehicle Jack). She's also a fine actress, and, yet, she's not a household name like other older actresses like, say, a Meryl Streep or a Susan Sarandon. Diane Lane got her big break in show business as a child star by starring in movies like the early-eighties Kenny Rogers' flick Six Pack. Needless to say, she didn't show the goods in that film, but she, of course, went on to show off her goodies in later flicks such as The Big Town and in the aforementioned Lady Beware and in her even later MILF-esque roles such as A Walk On the Moon and Unfaithful. Of course, she's had non-nudie roles in flicks such as the aforesaid Jack, Untraceable and the box office hit Secretariat. On a more personal level, Diane has been married to actor Christopher Lambert (of Highlander and Mortal Kombat fame) and is now married to actor Josh Brolin (who played George W. Bush in noted conspiracy theorist nutjob Oliver Stone's movie about King Dubya and also starred in the remake of the John Wayne classic True Grit). Not that this is really all that important (at least to me), but I thought I'd just throw it out there, if that's all right with you.   

IF THESE WALLS COULD TALK 2

Anyone who's read my previous reviews know I'm a HUGE fan of lesbian-themed movies. And this movie, which is an HBO film released back in the nineties, is certainly NO disappointment in this regard as it features three different lesbian-themed stories in one single film. The first story is pretty forgettable as it's about a couple of old lesbians discussing their relationship or some such shit, so you can pretty much skip over it and you WON'T be missing much (if anything). However, it's the next two stories that will get your blood (and, of course, other body parts!) flowing! The second story features ultra hot actresses Chloe Sevigny and Michelle Williams who play lesbian lovers who . . . ah, who the hell cares! Chloe and Michelle have an ultra hot lesbian "love" scene that will most definitely get the blood flowing to all the right body parts, if you know what I mean (and I'm, of course, sure that you do!)! The third and final story of the film features ultra, uh, well, actress Sharon Stone and, believe it or not, comedienne-turned-actress-turned-talk-show-host Ellen DeGeneres as two lesbians in a serious relationship who wish to have a baby. Boring! Sharon and Ellen (already sounds like a lesbian story, doesn't it!), like Chloe and Michelle, also have a lesbian "love" scene that's also pretty hot (well, if you don't mind seeing Ellen DeGeneres in ze buff along with Sharon Stone who, of course, we've seen plenty of her, um, talent before!). A sidenote: I believe Chloe Sevigny missed her calling to be a porn star as she's not only appeared in ze buff in various films, including the critically-acclaimed "indie" flick Boys Don't Cry where she had a rather intense "love" scene with a transvestite played by Hilary Swank and in The Brown Bunny where she had an actual completely uncensored BJ with then-boyfriend noted weirdo actor-director Vincent Gallo (which, of course, you can find FOR FREE on the Interwebz if you don't want to watch the entire movie, which--of course!--might just be the best idea!).  

XXX

To be honest, I haven't watched this movie all the way through. Why? Well, whereas Lone Wolf McQuade is my all-time favorite action flick of all-time (or is at least in my top five), this flick starring the ultra talented Vin Diesel (sarcasm alert!) is my all-time least favorite action flick (or is at least in my top five!). Again, why? Well, for starters, the acting is, shall we say, less-than-stellar and the dialogue is asinine at best. Hell, even the ultra hot Asia Argento or Samuel L. Jackson (who inexplicably has a co-starring role in this flick, which, of course, just goes to show that he'll star in practically ANYTHING sans porn!) couldn't even save this (fill in the blank for yourself!) flick. This flick even led me to create my own joke: You know something you'll never see? Vin Diesel in a GOOD movie! Oh hell, I think I'll just go watch The Pacifier again!

MARLEY & ME

Here's the entire plot of this film (spoiler alert!): Cute dog gets old and dies at the end of the film. It's kind of like the ending to Old Yeller without, of course, the rabies and the dog's brains being splattered all over the yard by his owner's shotgun. Of course, I'll probably get some angry comments from some PETA members over this one! Told you I was politically incorrect!

LONE WOLF MCQUADE

 

Lone Wolf McQuade has got to be without a doubt my absolute favorite action flick of all-time. In the film, karate legend Chuck Norris plays Texax Ranger J.J. McQuade. And, before you start having your doubts, this isn't that asinine Walker Texas Ranger bullshit! The movie character McQuade, unlike the TV character Walker, is a hard-drinking, habitual-womanizing actual ass-kicker (now, before you WTR fans start leaving me angry comments, in the movie, unlike the TV show, Chuck actually performs ALL of his own fight scenes). Chuck's primary love-interest in the film--besides, of course, beer and his souped-up truck!--is the ultra hot Barbara Carrera and his nemesis is the other karate legend the late David Carradine (who's primarily known more nowadays for dying of reported erotic asphyxiation than his actual martial arts skills). David plays a ruthless gunrunner who, as you might've already figured out by now, has a major showdown with Norris at his compound where he's kidnapped Chuck's daughter who seeks to rescue said daughter and bring down the ruthless gunrunning Carradine once and for all along with the help of his partner and a federal agent. I won't, of course, tell you who wins (though, again, I believe you might've figured that out by now as well, haven't you?). Oh yeah, there's also a midget, uh, I mean, little person in a wheelchair in the flick who also happens to be a bad guy. Told you this flick kicked ass, didn't I!

FORREST GUMP

Forrest Gump is the widely-acclaimed movie based on the book of the same name. The film, for those few who haven't seen it or at least heard of it, stars Tom Hanks in the title role of a retarded, uh, I mean, mentally-challenged man named--you guessed it!--Forrest Gump.. In spite of Forrest's obvious, for lack of a better word, challenges, he runs into an amazing string of good luck and ends up doing pretty damn well for himself. The film also features the other beloved character Lt. Dan played by Gary Sinise who is Forrest's commander in the Army in Vietnam who ends up losing both his legs during an attack and is rescued by Forrest. As a result, they begin a lifelong relationship and even go into the shrimping business together. Forrest even has a love-interest in the flim named Jenny played by Robin Wright who contracts AIDS from another man and becomes pregnant with Forrest's child after they have . . . well, you know! This film would undoubtedly be in a lot of people's top ten favorite films list of all-time. Me? Not so much! But, then again, does that surprise you? Actually, I liked this film more than I thought I would, but, as I think I stated before, I automatically get turned off to a film (or anything else, for that matter) that people make a big damn deal about (Star Wars being a major exception). I also got a little turned off to this film because I've actually known people similar to Forrest Gump in my home-state of Arkansas (though they weren't as, shall we say, likeable as the Gump character) in that I saw people who got an unbelievable string of good luck in spite of their--again, shall we say--handicap (and, no, I'm not referring to Forrest's type of handicap, if you know what I mean!). This movie also shows that movies are just like a box of choc-o-lates: you'll NEVER know what you're gonna get! 

RED SONJA

Red Sonja is a mid-eighties sword-and-sorcery flick that stars Brigitte Nielsen and Arnold "I Impregnated My Homely Housemaid!" Schwarzenegger. Nowadays Brigitte Nielsen is primarily known as a bat-crap crazy "reality" TV star, but, believe it not, she was once a bonafide actress (or at least she tried to be!). This was her first and, if I'm not mistaken, her last starring movie role as a Xena-type sword-wielding warrior who . . . well, who cares, right? Really, the ONLY reason to watch this flick, which was universally panned by both critics and audiences alike (the film didn't even recoup half of its production costs at the box office, if THAT should tell you something!), is if you're into watching Amazonian-type women in rather scantily-clad period costumes wielding huge swords (and I'm sure there's a sexual innuendo in there somewhere!). Frankly, I think she only got this role (and, of course, others) because she just happened to be married to Sylvester "Living Bobo Doll" Stallone at the time back when he (and let's not forget Ah-nold!) was still considered a bankable actor. To add insult to injury, this film won Brigitte her only, uh-hum, acting award--again, if I'm not mistaken--for Worst New Star and was, uh-hum, nominated for Worst Actress at the notorious Golden Raspberry Awards, better known as the Razzies (and also known as "the only awards that really matter"), back in 1985. Hell, even Ah-nold called this flick the "worst" film he's ever made (and, coming from Ah-nold who I less-than-affectionately refer to as The Foreign John Wayne, that's really saying at lot!)!