HANNIE CAULDER

Hannie Caulder is a western released back during the early-seventies that stars Raquel Welch as the title character who seeks revenge after her husband is brutally murdered and she is savagely gang-raped by three ruthless brothers (the lead brother played by Ernest Borgnine). Hannie seeks the help of an aging gunfighter she meets up with played by Robert Culp who reluctantly agrees to teach her how to properly shoot a gun while, at the same time, he tries to discourage her from her vengeance quest.  Then, when one of the brothers ends up killing Robert's character whom Hannie has grown attached, Caulder unleashes holy hell on the three brothers until (spoiler alert!) they're all gunned down one-by-one by her, the last one being killed is Ernest Borgnine's character. Hannie Caulder isn't your cookie-cutter Western (John Wayne, are you listening?) and also shows that Raquel Welch is not so underrated an actress as some critics have accused her of being. The best line in the movie comes from Raquel as, after she collects the bounty on one of the brothers she's just gunned down, she starts to walk away when the sheriff says to her, "You're a hard woman, Hannie Caulder." Then Raquel stops and turns back to the sheriff and says, "There are no hard women, sheriff. Just weak men!" You go, girl!

DEATH PROOF

Death Proof is a film directed by noted director Quentin Tarantino (of Pulp Fiction fame) and is the first  film of a "double feature" called Grindhouse along with another film called Planet Terror (which I may review at a later date) directed by another noted director Robert Rodriquez (of Spy Kids fame). The film stars Kurt Russell (of Goldie Hawn fame) who plays a homicidal stuntman who calls himself Stuntman Mike who uses his "death proof" car to savagely kill women. The first part of the film is rather boring save for a couple of rather gory scenes where he kills a handful of girls he chatted up at a bar. And when I say he chatted them up, I mean he REALLY chatted them up! In fact, a good chunk of this film features the characters talking. In my oh-so-humble opinion, the film doesn't get REALLY good until about the last 30 minutes when Stuntman Mike gets into a high-speed car chase with these three women who are joyriding in a souped-up sports car with one of them riding atop the hood of the car. He ends up running them off the road and taunts them a little. Big mistake! One of them shoots him in the shoulder and he quickly speeds off as the woman keeps shooting at him. The three women regroup and wind up chasing his ass until they wind up running him off the road and, after dragging his screaming ass out of the car, they wind up literally pummeling him to the ground and then, as the credits start to roll, one of the women (played by resident hottie Rosario Dawson) offers up the killing blow by driving her heel right into the middle of his face. Ouch! A sidenote: Grindhouse is Quentin and Robert's homage to so-called "grindhouse" films of the seventies that would usually show late night at these rather sleazy moviehouses and two or three movies would play in a row. These movies were usually B-movie horror flicks and flicks of a "erotic" nature. Apparently not ALL moviegoers got that. For instance, while Quentin was on one talk show while out promoting the film, he said that he was actually watching the film in a "regular" movie theater to kind of gauge the audience's reaction and he said how this one guy stood up after his film was over and, instead of waiting around for Robert's film, he walked up to Quentin, congratulated him for his film while shaking his hand and then walked out of the movie theater altogether. But, then again, what MORE can you expect from moviegoers raised on remakes of Alvin & The Chipmunks and The Smurfs? 

AN ODE TO "GREEN PORNO"

Educational AND fucked up, Green Porno is a series of short films produced and directed by award-winning actress Isabella Rosselini (who was, of course, naked in noted weirdo director David Lynch's "cult" flick Blue Velvet) exclusively for Robert Redford's the Sundance Channel and features Isabella--sometimes "acting" with her own children!--dressed in these skintight insect costumes describing and acting out various mating rituals of insects along with various other animals. You know, I thought about saying more about this, but even THIS is just too damn whacky for me to comment on!

THE RING

The Ring stars ultra hot actress Naomi Watts, and that's about the ONLY thing I can recommend about this asinine flick. And this flick was an actual box office hit! The movie, for those of you who haven't had the, uh-hum, pleasure of seeing it, is about a reporter (played by Watts) who comes across this--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--haunted videotape that is supposed to--and, again, I'm NOT making this up!--kill whoever watches it within about a week after watching it. Even after people in her life whom she shows the tape to begin dying off mysteriously and horribly, Watts keeps showing people the damn tape! We actually get to see what's on the tape once or twice, and it looks like some artsy-fartsy short film you might see on the Sundance channel. And, what was even worse, just when you thought the film was finally--mercifully--over, it went on for about another thirty rather grueling minutes! I watched this film with a friend of mine and he was actually scared out of his wits while I was sitting there watching this drivel thinking how glad I was going to be when it was finally--mercifully!--over. The main problem I had with this film is its basic plot. I mean, if this tape was so evil and capable of actually offing people who see it, here's a rather simple solution: JUST RIP OUT THE DAMN TAPE!!!! Simple, ain't it? And, just for the sheer hell of it, here are some unusual "haunted" items that they can make a future horror flick out of: a haunted toilet, a haunted dildo, a haunted barf bag, or how about a haunted gay bar? I'm sure they would make a much more entertaining horror film than one about a friggin "haunted" videotape! Hell, about the scariest thing about this stupid flick was the creepy-looking grey girl who crawls out of the TV at one point. Wouldn't you agree? A sidenote: This movie was a remake of a Japanese horror film of the same name, which was reportedly one of the highest if not the highest-grossing film in Japanese cinematic history. I haven't yet watched the Japanese version of this asinine flick, but I sincerely hope that it's far more superior than the asinine U.S. remake! Oh yeah, you're probably wondering why I used the movie poster of the film's inexplicable sequel rather than the original film for this review. The answer is simple: IT'S BECAUSE THEY MADE A SEQUEL TO THIS DUMBASS FLICK!!!! Again, simple, ain't it? 

THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS & DOGS

As you may already know, I'm not much of a fan of so-called romantic comedies. However, this film is an exception. The flick stars comedienne-turned-actress (or is it actress-turned-comedienne?) Janeane Garofalo and ultra hot actress Uma Thurman as two friends who have the hots for the same guy. Now you might be thinking at this point that this sounds like typical "romantic comedy" fare and, normally, you'd be right. However, there's a twist: Janeane's character has Uma's character pretend to be her because she doesn't think the guy--played by who-the-hell-cares!--would be interested in her if he knew what she truly looked like. And the reason why he doesn't know what she looks like is because Janeane's character hosts her own radio call-in show about--you guessed it!--cats & dogs and the guy-in-question calls in with a question about his dog (and, no, that's NOT a sexual metaphor!). They agree to meet and Janeane's character persuades Uma's character to portray her and things get, well, complicated. And, of course, you'll have to see the film to see what I'm talking about! And, sorry fellas, but there's absolutely NO nudity in this film on Uma Thurman's part (for that, you have to see Dangerous Liaisons to see a shot of Uma's bodacious ta-tas!). 



THE TEN

The Ten is one of the most absolutely fucked-up flicks I've probably ever seen. The movie satirizes The Ten Commandments with a vignette of each Ten Commandment. My own personal favorite is the one with noted kleptomaniac Winona Ryder in the "Thou Shalt Not Steal" parody where she has an affair on her husband with--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--a ventriloquist dummy she stole from the ventriloquist. And, yes, there's even a--and, again, I'm NOT making this up!--sex scene between Klepto Winona and said ventriloquist dummy (right after she tells the dummy how she "rubbed one off" while thinking of him!), which is rather odd (besides the obvious reasons!) since the only sex scene that I remember Winona, uh, doing is with Dennis Quaid in the Jerry Lee Lewis biopic Great Balls Of Fire where she kept her bra on (damn it!). Of course, she shows no nudity in this, uh, "love" scene (again, damn it!). Man, has her career come a long way since her, uh, incident. Anyway, going back to the film, watch it with a Sarah Palin supporter or a Jehovah's Witness or the fundamentalist freak in your life! Trust me, they'll be glad you did!

DUANE HOPWOOD

To be completely honest with you, I have never watched this movie and know absolutely nothing about its plot. So why am I "reviewing" it here if I've never even seen it? Because, quite frankly, I think Janeane Garofalo looks totally hot in the cover photo above. Any questions? (By the way, the guy she's snuggling up with is noted whiny Friends star David Schwimmer, just in case you were wondering, which, of course, I'm sure you were!)