LAST OF THE LIVING

Last Of The Living is a B-movie-type horror flick that's a cross between Zombieland and 28 Days Later. In this film, three British stoner slackers ride out the current zombie plague by staying in abandoned mansions playing video games and generally slacking off. Then, while out scavenging for food, they meet up with a random hot chick who turns out to be--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--scientist who may have found the "cure" to return zombies back to their normal human selves. So the three stoner slackers agree to help her . . . with, as you might imagine, rather disastrous results. (And, of course, you'll just have to watch the damn movie to see just how "disastrous" those results are, all right?) While I myself am not the biggest zombie fan (the best zombie film being, in my and other people's oh-so-humble opinions, George A. Romero's Night Of The Living Dead) since all zombie movies/shows are pretty much all the same (again, in my oh-so-humble opinion), this film was a rather pleasant surprise. It'll at least do on a slow night and you want to watch a flick just to pass the time. Plus it has a pretty killer soundtrack to boot (for a B-movie-type horror flick, that is!). (But, sorry, fellas, the hot scientist chick doesn't show her bodacious ta-tas. Just thought you'd like to know!)

AN ODE TO "OLD" ANGELINA JOLIE

Angelina Jolie has, by most if not all accounts, become a "respected" actress by being a "goodwill ambassador" for the U.N. and by her upcoming marriage to "respected" actor/humanitarian Brad Pitt and her adopting a bunch of third-world kids, etc., etc. However, I prefer the "old" Angelina Jolie: the one who openly discussed her love--or lust--for other women, her willingness to show her bodacious bod in such T & A classic films like Gia and Foxfire, her relationship and subsequent marriage to noted eccentric actor Billy Bob Thorton and even her seemingly making out in public with her very own brother. As for her acting career, Angelina has gone from starring in T & A-esque films like the aforementioned flicks like Gia, Foxfire and thte Antonio "Latin Lover" Banderas vehicle Original Sin to action films like the Tomb Raider flicks, Salt and Wanted, which was her last nudie appearance on film, and in more "mainstream" fare like . . . ah, who cares, right? It looks highly doubtful that Angelina Jolie will EVER go back to her more risque roots, but at least we can STILL watch her "old" movies (and pictures!), am I right, fellas? 

THE CONQUEROR

To be perfectly honest, I've only seen probably less than a minute of this particular film, but that was more than enough for me to see how much it SUCKED. While some channels seemingly play 24-hour-a-day John Wayne movie marathons, this is one film by The Duke--other than, of course, his hilariously bad early black & white B-westerns--that these channels WON'T play, and with apparently damn good reason! In this film which was produced by Howard Hughes (yes, THAT Howard Hughes!), John Wayne plays--and, no, I'm NOT making this up!--Genghis Khan (yes, THAT Genghis Khan!). John Wayne, while I'm certainly NOT the biggest John Wayne fan (especially his public persona as right-wing hypocrite/racist doesn't even begin to cover it!), was good at playing the character he created John Wayne (his real name being, believe it or not, Marion Morrison). When he ventured beyond that, like he did big time in THIS flick, the results are, well, disastrous. So diastrous, in fact, that The Conqueror routinely makes it in many a film reviewers "worst films of all-time" list. If THAT doesn't convince you just how shitty this flick truly is, then I guess you'll just how to see it for yourself, won't you? (That is, if you dare!)

PIRANHA 3D

To be perfectly honest, I've never actually seen this particular film. I just liked the movie poster! So there!

30 DAYS OF NIGHT

 

30 Days Of Night is a vampire movie based on a graphic novel. However, this isn't your typical vampire movie and the vamps featured are not your typical "sexy" vampires ala the sappy-crappy Twilight flicks. No, these vampires are anything but sexy as they are nothing more--or less--than inhuman killing machines. If there were such a thing as vampires, these vamps would probably be closer to--dare I say it!--reality. In the film, the vampires attack an Alaskan town that's clad in darkness for a straight month. No man, woman or even child is safe from their bloodthirsty attack. The town sheriff along with this girlfriend and a small group of survivors try to take on the vampires which culminates in a fight between the sheriff and the head vampire after the sheriff (spoiler alert!) turns himself into a vampire so he can defeat him. If you're idea of a "good" vampire flick are in fact the Twilight flicks, then you might want to stear clear of this flick. However, if you like your vampire flicks with a bit more--again, dare I say it!--bite, then 30 Days Of Night could be the vampire flick for you! A sidenote: The film's sequel Dark Days picks up where the first one left off with the dead sheriff's girlfriend hunting down the vampires with the help of a group of vampire hunters led by a half-vampire. It's not as good as the first one, it probably goes without saying, but it'll do in a pinch. 

BARBARELLA

Barbarella is a 1968 film starring Jane Fonda in the title role of space vixen Barbarella and directed by Roger Vadim who was Fonda's husband at the time. This movie was like watching porn when I first watched it as a kid with the by-now-infamous opening sequence of Jane Fonda stripping off her spacesuit while floating around in her spaceship and you get to see glimpses of her perky little ta-tas and Jane walking around in various skintight skimpy outfits throughout the film (and keep in mind that THIS was a PG-rated flick!). But, as sexy as Jane was in this movie, my favorite character would have to be the Great Tyrant played by the ultra hot Anita Pallenberg (whose voice was dubbed by Joan Greenwood) who wore a sexy eyepatch and kept calling Barbarella, "Pretty! Pretty!" The plot itself, as if THAT really matters, is about Barbarella who is sent by the future U.S. government to search for a missing scientist named Durand Durand who went missing in space some years before. Barbarella's search takes her to the far reaches of the galaxy where she encounters a whole slew of interesting and sometimes dangerous people and creatures, including a blind "angel" named Pygar who's lost the will to fly until Barbarella boffs his brains out (of course!) after he rescues her from some robots or whatever. Of course, she eventually finds Durand Durand who turns out to be a crazed maniac who straps Barbarella to this weird-ass sex machine that's supposed to kill people by stimulating them to have excessive orgasms. However, not only is Barbarella NOT killed by this machine but she has SO many orgasms that she actually breaks the machine! But by far the creepiest scene that stayed with me for a while after I first watched it as a kid would have to be when Barbarella crash-lands on this planet where she's abducted by these two creepy little girls who hog-tie her and sick these equally-creepy dolls with razor-sharp teeth on her to chew her up until she is rescued by this rather big dude dressed in a Chewbacca-esque outfit whom Barbarella, uh-hum, repays by boffing his brains out (again, of course!)! While Barbarella might be tame by today's standards (to say the least!), it's still hot enough to be of, uh-hum, interest to people with more, shall we say, prurient interests. (And, if you don't know what "prurient" means, you'll just have to look it up for your own damn self, all right?) A sidenote: The eighties pop group Duran Duran actually got its name from the character Durand Durand from this movie. Just thought you'd like to know!